'tis the season

Friday at work was reasonably enjoyable. Old habits reared their heads with my ridiculous campaign of winding up my friend. I think my psyche doesn't like me because I keep trying to sabotage my relationships by being stupid. I've just realised I've written about this before, oh well.

Saturday, went out for the christmas do with friends I hadn't seen for a while but I found it tiresome. It's not their fault, maybe I just wasn't feeling it that night so I went home early.

Sunday was spent getting drunk again. Just sat at the bar drinking until I couldn't fit anymore in. Went home slept for a couple of hours had a hangover slept some more and woke up around ten at night (you see I started at midday) and watched crap telly until I had to get ready for work.

Monday working again 'twas dead but that made the day drag worse than Lily Savage. Just spent the day pissing about. Went for a drink after with a mate, we had a couple of large ones and agreed christmas is a bit shit. On the way home I stopped in me local for a quick large one then went home and had a few large large ones, wrapped some presents and went to bed.

Today I've been up a few hours, no hangover to speak of, haven't opened any presents yet, again I just don't think I'm feeling it.

Merry Christmas Everyone

xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Watch me crank dat robocop *shrugs*

Friday

I started writing this in present tense but left it till now to complete so it switches to past tense somewhere.

OK, so it's just gone seven in the morning and I'm at work waiting for the day to start. No one else is here yet, I've got a long day ahead especially because there isn't anyone in that I like today. I'll just have to put my head down and actually do some work. I've got to work tomorrow aswell which is bad because the christmas do is tonight so I can't let go as much as I would like.

There's a girl at work who I adore and we get on great but I have this bizarre compulsion to wind her up. I have no idea why. Most people will use the old playground analogy of bullying a girl cause really you fancy her. There are also the immature colleagues who don't understand that members of the opposite sex can be friends without wanting to hook up. She's really attractive but I don't want to go out with her, which is odd because I normally would want to. I've said it before, I get crushes easily. With her it's just really comfortable, no pressure to impress, She calls me a geek which I don't mind at all, while I take the piss out of the big hood on her jacket and the fact she can't open the tropicana bottle in her McDonalds breakfast, oh, it's all fun and games in our office.

I went to the civil service christmas do where the drinks were ridiculously cheap and I still managed to spend £70. Drinks flowed, silliness ensued I even tried that soulja boy dance.

Saturday

Woke up half an hour late but I didn't have a hangover so I went to work, sod all happened there but afterwards we went for our own christmas meal. A poor showing, 8 out of 20, but free cocktails so it evened itself out. One of the cocktails had a cherry in it so I made what was quite possibly the naffest joke in the history of naff jokes and said to my friend from two paragraphs ago "Would you like my cherry?" much groaning and rolling of the eyes all round. After the meal I walked her to the station and listened to her talk, I don't talk much and I like to listen so it turned out good for me.

So two christmas dos and no dramas, how boring.

The Good Ship

I've spent the last 36 hours laid up in bed feeling terrible. Drifting in and out of consciousness a ridiculous amount of times. I think it's work making me feel like this.

Went for a big ol' walk on Sunday through a nicely quiet city of London in to the lively market at Middlesex Street which I hadn't been down in about 16 years, it hasn't changed much. I walked through the underpass to get to Whitechapel Road but the exit was shut and I ended up walking down Commercial Road then through an estate to Mile End Road I walked past streets that made me feel like there was some kind of community spirit even though they were empty. I thought of what it must've been like during the war, all the kids in the street playing, all the doors unlocked, number 12 a pile of rubble.

I said it sounds romantic, life during the war, and there was an audible gasp of incredulousness and shock from someone because they didn't hear all of what I was saying and took it out of context, twats, they started moaning about the atrociousness of war and losing relatives. I was thinking about the sense of people coming together as a community and looking out for eachother, people still carrying on even though they have lost everything, the spirit and passion, strength and courage, land of hope and glory indeed.

I don't feel English but I love Englishness. Or at least what I deem to be English or more specificaly London. Three bar electric fires in east end council flats, a Nan in a hat from a cracker at christmas watching the Queen's speech on telly. Music blasting from those big houses converted in to flats along the Westbourne Terrace. Fruit squashed underfoot and plastic wrapping blowing across the street after the market has closed. Old British Rail slam door trains to exotic coasts in Essex, Sussex and Kent. The South bank of the Thames between Westminster and London Bridges. Smokey, pokey pubs with tiny pool tables and bent cues. The songs of Peter and Carlos' Albion, the words of Graham Swift's London and Kent in Last Orders.

That's my England, the England of my memories and dreams. Romantic, nostalgic, that warm feeling inside like brandy.

I ended up walking past the Valance Road thinking of the song and on to Brick Lane where they were selling furniture like we had when I was a child and went in to a reverie about the flat I lived in behind the Old Kent Road even though I barley remember it.

I ended up back in Brick Lane later that night after drinking in the Griffin and the Old Blue Last to get salt beef on rye and a steaming cup of tea on which I burnt my tongue.

I walked for over 3 hours that day and when I finally got home sleep was a most welcome friend who I had been fighting stupidly for the previous few nights.

Something new

Mother Superior? No. Mother modest! It's hard for you, I know. You handle it with a grace and poise I find awe inspiring. You may not think so but what you do puts most of us to shame. You take on responsibility and make sacrifices which I don't think any of our peers would. A hero at home where the last thing on your mind is you, a princess in the pub your bastion of freedom where every so often to let your hair down, no one can deny you that precious respite although you do deny yourself.

I wish I had your strength to just ...be.

Know one thing, your friends are there for you like you are for them and that will never change.

Here's to you and your beautiful struggle.

x

Anchors

I'm a thinker not a talker.

Most of the time spent in silence, despair grips me tight across the chest. Relief comes in many forms. The music is an important one, I've come close to losing my faith in love and music but I hear those two voices and guitars and I know all is not lost. Certain people, old and new, fleeting and long-haul, they keep me here. Links are stronger than previously thought.

I wanted to say something so I did but I said it in my head and you didn't hear it, I thought you did though and when I asked you about it you gave me a funny look.

You still talk to me even though you probably shouldn't, so thank you.

I'm still here!

I know some...

Can't get to grips with these people.
Understanding not forthcoming.
Now I seem to be surrounded,
Top to bottom with miscreants.
Sorry, you just make me feel sick.

4G

Sunbeams balance on heavy air
through tired eyes. He cracks a smile
The bed is still warm with her scent.
A stretch, a yawn,
Feet in slippers,
Cane in hand and up for some tea
Everyday since September,
Twelfth, Nineteen Seventy Seven
It doesn't get any better than this
His love waits for him at the Kitchen table.

No point

My profile cuts a dark figure on the dirty bedroom wall. The candle nearly dead on the hardwood floor. Windows painted black, painted shut, it smells of sweat and spilt vodka. The room is hazy through my broken eyes but I can see someone else, slim and sleeping on a mattress under a heater that has never worked as if the mere thought of it being there gives off warmth. I know who she is though it takes me a minute to remember and I permit myself a smile before returning to a stony face I'm more comfortable with. Gently, I make my way across the room avoiding various debris and crouch down beside the girl. She stirs sightly but doesn't wake. I sit next to the mattress and move a stray lock from her pale white face and pull up the blanket over her skinny shoulders. The candle has gone out now leaving the sound of the street outside and my heavy breathing and I feel strangely more aware even though I'm tired now.

I hear a lock click in to place and realise it's the only sound I've heard for a while, I look down and see the blanket which covered her is now over my chest the early light is dim through the darkened windows. My cheek is moist and her image still indented on the bedding.

My heart hurts.

So I was out drinking Cristal...

and I've always wanted to say that. It was, in fact, a Belgian pils which was nice none the less.

Nothing new with me I just need to vent.

I went out for four days in a row last week. I didn't get any hangovers just that empty guilty feeling that tears me up inside. I was rude to someone. I reacquainted myself with the live music scene. I became closer to someone. I hurt someone. I kept a promise. I drank too much. I didn't drink too much. I wrote a poem.

I feel really mixed up at the minute. I don't deserve some of the friends I have. They put up with my bullshit and my mood swings. I can be an absolute cunt at times.

I don't believe in myself, you shouldn't either!

Taxi

The Taxi from the terminus takes me through town. Past cold, empty houses blocking the reluctant Sun. My journey was long and fraught with difficulty. The familiar smell in the cab is a relief. It was nearly over now while most were starting theirs. The Sun was getting braver now, I couldn't see through it's brightness. The cool air through the slit at the top of the window made my eyes water, It was like nature didn't want me to see. They didn't need much help though, I knew what was waiting for me at the end. Everything was in order. There were things I wanted to see but I knew I had the memories and didn't need to. There were people too, friends, family. Like pictures in an album I had in my heart. I'm here now, my breath still visible reminds me it's real. I wanted to be inside were it was warm and comfortable. I fumbled with the keys and eventually, I opened the door.

Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me gaaah

It is bugging me that I rarely post good news or anything fun. My life, while not a complete disaster, is lacking in that particular department. Sometimes I smile. Things make me laugh occasionally. Just minor digressions. I'm all doom and gloom as you know. Uplifting moments are few and far between and I appreciate every one. I'm wallowing now again after a good weekend. I saw the Foo Fighters at the O2 on Saturday which was excellent even half of Queen were there, I got a bit emotional during the acoustic part of Everlong. After the show we took a boat back to Waterloo Pier which was an interesting way to get home. The next day I was fatigued and lethargic and subsequently did not much.

Fuck! I've lost me train o' thought you knew where it was going anyway

ttfn

Single

I don't remember much about the day I got married, I can't even remember the name of the church (I suppose it hurts too much to). I remember the very second it ended though. I cried in silence, Damien Rice was on the stereo, Cheers Darlin'. I'd never felt so torn apart. I began to get short of breath, I couldn't think straight. I accepted it immediately, I'm just emotional. I didn't fight because I knew there was no point. I thought I loved her. When she spoke I could hear the upset but I didn't care. I hadn't seen her for two and a half days she came in to bed in the middle of night and said it, the kids were next door asleep not knowing it was about to get different.

She cheated and then decided to call it a day. I came out of it in such a bad state for the wronged party. Apparently women tend to come off better in divorce cases more often than not. I didn't mind though. I've grown accustomed to being kicked about like a football.

I don't know whether she's happy or not, I don't care either. She wanted to be friends after but it didn't work, I still can't stand the sight of her.

We settled reasonably amicably, I could have torn her to shreds in court but I couldn't do that to anybody. She got most everything and I get to see my boys regularly. I don't need or want any more.


It's taken a while but the last letter from the court came through last week declaring me officially single again. I'm not really in any fit state to be even entertaining the idea of seeing someone new. Not that they're breaking down the door.


I can chat to women but I can only go so far as being a friend, I even get along with women better than I do the fellas. I couldn't imagine dating in either sense and I would be mortified if my friends tried to set me up. To be honest I've never been out on the pull, but I have seen women try and use their charms to get what they want to varying degrees of success not that that is what every woman does, I'm just cynical. It did happen to me the other day though, a woman wanted my stool at the bar and she was chatting to me and it was clear so I excused myself and passed the stool. I came back and sat in another part of the pub and finished my drink and left. My friends seem to be really interested in trying to get members of the opposite sex in to bed. I feel like I'm surrounded by a load of horny bastards. I do partake in the occasional innuendo for giggles and I flirt with my friends but again it's just for fun. The way I feel seems to contradict the fact I get crushes easily, there's always some aspect of a person I fall for be it their wit or their pins. If I know you I have probably had a crush on you at some point in our relationship. Please don't be disconcerted by that because as you know it usually stays with me and comes to nothing.

So, do you know anyone who is hot and available?... Just kidding, for the moment anyway.

You got your head all tangled up

I don't think anyone is completely sane. Everyone has there own little neuroses. Sometimes you would never know and in others it's really obvious. I don't know where I would fall in the grand scheme of things. I have seen and heard of people doing some extreme things I know I would never do. What I do "do" is, well, nothing mostly. When I do something there has normally been a ridiculous amount of speculating and a sorting of the what ifs and the maybes before a decision is made and even then I'm never entirely certain.

Despite all this I wear my heart on my sleeve and most everybody knows who I am. There are things people don't know but they are few and for the most part unimportant.

I went to a gig last night and only had 2 pints so I was pleased with that after the Thursday when I was out for about 12 hours although that was a celebration of sorts.

I've just finished reading The Bell Jar in which I really identified with Esther even though she is ten years younger and female and forty odd years in the past. I suppose lots of people do. Idon't want to take a away from the book by saying that even though no one will think that, it's just the way I am.

unfinished

I missed you today. It was empty inside apart from a few random thoughts on the periphery. Nothing was clear like I had been drinking. When I opened my eyes no one noticed, they were all too busy doing their own thing. I should have been too but I couldn't concentrate.There was a hole and I wanted to hide from it. Those random thoughts floated by not making any sense just adding to the frustration.

Gone

Just like last year. The seasons turned and the sharp air brought with it nightmares reawakened, reiterated, repeated. I was gutted then, I am gutted now.

My loss is your gain, I feel guilty for wanting you to stay but we both know you're better off away from the maddening crowd. You took a leap with an unwanted push and now you are free. Free to do the things you've always wanted. I'll help with that.

To be Frank you didn't deserve it, to be Frank you are on your way to happier times, to be Frank.

You left me here, I don't blame you, it doesn't have anything to do with me anyway. I wish I were as brave as you to see, to seize new opportunities. My outlook is darkened with only little light and yours is opposite. I wish to emulate but fear, but fear holds me close though you loosened its grip it's not enough.

How ever seldom our contact I will cherish every one like those before I cherish still. Your reassurance is believable to a cynical old me.

Just like last year I will get on, just like last year I will never forget,

You

u r teh gay

I had a dream about being gay last night. It was very odd, there was someone I knew telling me I wasn't because you can't just become gay overnight. and someone I didn't know whose flowers I was holding. This all took place on a bus in the rain. The flowers were driping rain water over my jeans. Outside all the shops were closed and it was miserable, in the bus it was warm apart from the draft at the back (it was one of the old open back buses).

This comes after a dream in which I was kissing a confidant or rather she was kissing me. This dream was very vivid nad the kiss was very passionate and I woke with a start, and noticed I was very cold.

Dreams hey, who'd have 'em.

No direction home

I was listening to the new Eagles album on the way to work the other day. I walked through the park with the sounds making me feel like I was in sunny California as opposed to the biting London chill. The songs felt like I'd known them as well as their classics which I wasn't expecting at all, when bands get back together after a time the results are usually somewhat wanting. It also made a change hearing summery American tunes on the way to work which is when I usually hear cold British songs (that I adore) to take me to my cold British office (that I loathe).

So, I was thinking I might start a group about taking albums for walks, ones you usually wouldn't. There could be a "National Take an Album For a Walk Day" How about walking along a calm river listening to drum and bass or a busy street listening to chill out. That was a bit rubbish but I'm a do it anyway.

I like walking, I just go where my feet take me and I always end up somewhere with memories and those memories are always soundtracked.

do you ever get that feeling

you've forgotten to do something

and they said it would never come for you

Is there eloquence in these here words, some people seem to think so, I don't. What I try to put across is honesty and to be honest I do sometimes try to be beautiful. I love writing and I put out almost everything regardless of quality. I don't think I'm being modest when I'm dismissive of praise, (however I am always thankful when I get it) I genuinely don't think it's deserved. Praise isn't what I'm looking for, this is just an outlet that quite possibly saves me from being in a worse state than I'm already in.

Words, for me, are strange and beautiful and powerful and all in between. I like to read them and learn them and say them and write them and use them to create but not destroy. I try to use them to express my love but normally come up short. I get words wrong so much so that if there were a word police they'd lock me up. I don't mind if you don't "get" what I write, sometimes there is no point, sometimes you're not supposed to.

I was writing to a friend to try and tell them how I feel about them and I think I may have cocked it up monumentally. I won't know until I receive a reply, if I receive a reply at all. You see I'm a bit clumsy when it comes to that sort of thing. She's not someone whose pants I want to get in to, no matter how beautiful she is. I just want to be a friend in the truest, closest possible sense of the word. I saw The Bridge to Terebithia recently and I longed for a friendship like that of the two lead characters, I had nothing like it as a child and as an adult it's hard to achieve with all the adult distractions.

A thousand mile seems pretty far...throw away sentiments in a throw away song but I relate as, I would imagine, do many others. I'm pretty far from writing something like that even but I mean what I write at least.

I look for meaning when there's none to be found or it's staring me right in the face and I can't see it because I think it's more complicated than it really is. I wonder if it will be detrimental to my friendship.

Random ranting

Polar opposites drawn together somehow defying odds insurmountable.

It's not true, I don't think so anyway, everyone is connected in some way. Little Miss Popular is as lonely as the boy with no friends, they just deal differently. We're not equal but we're not so different either.

I have friends, with varying degrees of intimacy and success. I don't treat everybody the same, I should but I don't.

The selfishness of selflessness, do you only do selfless acts to seem righteous in front of your peers. These acts are surely kept to yourself or between you and god if you have faith. I do understand giving to charity and getting something out of it like the poppy for example, I suppose you wear it to promote awareness rather than look at me I gave to charity. If you get benefit of doubt.

I'm feeling rather despondent at the mo, I don't know where that comes from because there was no one there to begin with.

Sometimes I won't understand something you've said and instead of saying sorry I didn't understand I nod or say something non committal. Everyone has been polite enough to pretend not to notice, but I really wish I wouldn't do that because I carry on being ignorant of whichever subject we were discussing. I don't do it all the time just every once in a while. I baffle myself sometimes.

Aww look, he's asleep

I had a dream where two of my friends were staying at my house. They were lovers but I wasn't jealous. The thing I most remember about this dream was the cold silence and how it was uncomfortably broken by one of us. My friends looked different too how they normally do in reality. One was making tea while I was talking to the other who is one of the warmest people I've ever met but here she was ice cold and I felt, or my words rather, frozen by her. I also felt waves of insecurity coming from her. The friend who was making the tea came back in and sat on her lovers lap and they cuddled. I felt awkwardly excluded but a reassuring hand squeezed mine. There was more silence, unbroken this time. It felt like it should have been in black and white but wasn't.

In reality I do feel "awkwardly excluded" a lot and sometimes there is a reassuring hand in some guise or other just not always, I normally have to ask for it. The insecurity normally emanates from me (I'm normally too busy worrying about myself to see others). I don't know if my friends were representing themselves in this dream. The harshness of the cold upset me in the dream and still does now.

Flip the script so ridiculously

I went for a drink last night. I had about four pints and a tequila over about three hours. I woke with a ridiculous headache this morning, I was surprised because I hadn't had much. It was a rather odd night for me, for a start it was Sunday and I went out at 11pm when most pubs have been closed for an hour. I only wanted one or two but a couple of friends came so I decided to stay on .The landlord closed up with us still inside and he poured us some tequila and a pint each which was great, free drink always is though, we stayed a little while longer before heading off to a hotel bar for a last drink. I had a good time and a good chat with my friends and this made me feel the hangover was all the more undeserved.

Anyway got over it and went to HMV to see the newest releases and I picked up The Wombats, Sigur Ros and Jay-Z's albums, I wanted Bishi's debut but it's been pushed back to next Monday and thats pretty much all I've done today. I haven't really had contact with anyone today, I'm feeling rather odd about whether or not I want to be in company. I won't have a choice tomorrow because I have to go back to work. Will I put on a front or be moody, I don't know, it probably depends on who I see first when I get in. I like going to work, it's where I get most of my socialising done. I'm getting better at the hole (sic) socialising thing but I'm still awkward and shy like on the edge looking in. I still get things wrong but it's a learning curve, one which I'm glad to be on. Sometimes it's good to be on your own but I do it way too much.

(I just do as I'm told)

I don't hate anything or anyone but does that mean I don't really love anything or anyone. I'm thinking along the lines of passion, you can love or hate with it. Can you have one without the other. We all use both words far too much, I can't bring myself to write an example they're all too cheesy but you know what I mean. Are they linked or not, I hope they are not.

I don't know what love is, I thought I loved my ex but did I. I don't hate her now but she does get to me her infuriating smugness and righteousness drive me nuts but I don't hate, no, what I do feel is nothing, I just don't care. She hurts me but I don't care. She uses me but I don't care.

Before, there was happiness and contentment but was it love, does anybody really know and maybe it's different for each person, or not I don't know.

What makes me happy now is music, certain friends and certain places and it'd be great if I could say I loved these things and be certain of it.

I've lost touch with people I thought I loved and there was devastation but I got on, though I do still think about these people every now and then which warms and chills my heart all at once because the memories are great and I realise they're not here anymore.

What is hate? I'd imagine it consumes you completely with anger and aggression so much that you can't deal with anything else. I have felt like that but it doesn't last which is why I think I don't hate because hate is that but eternal, possibly.

What made me cry today - Rock 'n' Roll Suicide by David Bowie

Someone's coming - Look busy

I let someone read my journal.

I was in a revelatory mood and as it happened I was writing about said person when she asked if she could look. I didn't even hesitate. I passed it over and she read what I'd just written, I turned crimson with embarrassment, whilst not an expression of love it was, I felt, a beautiful piece of writing that happened to be about her (I may post it, it's only a line or two). She said she wanted to read the rest of it. I gave it to her later because I hadn't finished writing in it. She gave it back at the end of the day and was touched by what she told me. I wanted to discuss it with her further but didn't get the chance, I hope I do, soon.

Some people think I'm nuts letting someone in to my head like that but I didn't care, I don't care, I trust her completely. Although I may have said no on another day it's done now and I'm comfortable with my decision, so there.

:sticks out tongue:

Time for (my) Heroes The Best of The Libertines

It's not bad but it could have been so much better. I was wondering what everyone's own particiular best of would consist of.

I would like these tracks...

Music When The Lights Go Out (either from Legs 11 or The Libertines)
Dilly Boys
You're My Waterloo
Breck Road Lover
The Good Old Days
Arbeit Macht Frei
France
Hooray For The 21st Century
Skag & Bone Man

Not Exclusively and not in that order but yeah these and the singles I suppose.

Over to you...

Ooh Graphic

Remind me never to watch TV at 3am EVER again. Some bloke is castrating pigs and using their knackers for lottery balls.

Afterthought: sausages, eww!

You're a soppy cunt Mick but I love you!

Oh, for one more glimpse of that warm Californian sun. You burnt me but I forgave you, I hope you forgave me for my misguided preconceptions of the people you bathe everyday. When I hid from you under the pier whilst others were praying for your bounty I felt guilty for our time together was short but my Irish skin pleaded for me to stay. I was in awe as you beat a path up the Pacific Coast Highway through various places along the way like Big Sur and Long Beach and L.A. and Santa Monica and Santa Barbara and Monterey and Santa Cruz and finally San Francisco where the Colt cast it's shadow over our disoriented souls. We settled on Mission while you were hours away. You weren't as fierce in this city and my skin peeled under a straw trilby and long trousers. I'd like to imagine you tried your hardest to raise the temperature but to no avail this land being a peninsula, the water keeping you from glory. I remember you did come out one day while we were on the Embarcadero waiting to play Al Capone. When we headed home to Huntingdon you followed us back like a puppy who had taken a liking to us. Martha Wainwright and Snow Patrol figured heavily in the soundtrack to your direction. We spent a lot of time face to face once I'd grown accustomed to yours and I was happier for it. I miss the way you shone on us in the state you made golden.

Today I Watched a Spider Spin It's Web

Sometimes I forget that people have other circles of friends than the one I'm involved in. This means I will sometimes try to monopolise you or be paranoid about why you're not always there when I need you, selfish really.

Apparently I'm popular at work, when did that happen, hmm.

Do you know that saying that you can't love someome if you don't love yourself, is that true?

I've been wondering if I'd be better off in a relationship.

Iambic pentameter rocks my socks.

But I am still rubish at it you know.

Garage forecourt flowers for my sweetheart.

She threw them at me, my biggest mistake.

Eva, I'm sorry, but you will have me

A young lady stroked the back of my hand with her thumb but I didn't look her in the eye. She was saying something but I didn't hear her. I was concentrating on trying not to fall for her. I get crushes easily but I don't think it makes them any less meaningful. More often than not it turns to friendship or admiration depending on how well I've gotten to know them. It's like I date these people or I play the relationship out in my head sometimes before I even say two words to them. The end result being strange because I feel like I know them well but I don't and they don't know me. It sounds childish but I can't think of another way to write it, it's like I like them more than they like me, we're not on the same level emotionally, I've invested too much in something that was predominantly imaginary. I do it every time. Emotional detachment is nigh on impossible for me, more and more as I get older. I always thought it would be the other way round.

quite possibly

the funniest blog entry i've ever read

http://blag.xkcd.com/2007/10/06/wikipedia-blogs/

this just fell out of my fingers

I've found myself thinking about death a lot recently. My own, other people's. And what I can or can't do about it.

I'm going for promotion at work. I'm not bothered about getting it.

I'm listening to a beautifully voiced North London lass named Ny right now.

I've made some really good friends recently. Some of them I love unconditionally. They know who they are. I hope.

I can Still feel the last hug I participated in. It feels nice. It feels right.

I'm currently learning iambic pentameter. Thank you Stephen Fry.

I'm having nightmares. They also invade my daydreams.

The song You're My Waterloo makes me cry.

Randomorz with added cheese inspired by someone with the moon in her eye

You know you've grown up when you make friends with attractive people and you don't want to sleep with them.

She sent me on a guilt trip, I went to a place where I lost my grip.

I don't mind if you forget me.

I left my wit in the bottom of my pint glass.

It wasn't cold outside because there wasn't an outside.

Misty morning rain and the sweat of anticipation.

Note: I found these written in margins and the backs of books in my indecipherable handwriting. There were more but I couldn't read them and I know they're not great but i like them so I thought I'd share!

cheese on toast

The tie that binds is delicate, at least I think so. Though it's probably a lot stronger there's always a hint of naivety which comes from it's youth. It has strong roots and I hope they are enough to sustain it while it grows. We feed it as well because we need it and I don't know if our nourishment is helping regardless our heart being in the right place, it's true you can kill with kindness.

I need it, the tie, even though I shouldn't. I was OK before, well maybe not OK but settled at least. Now entwined is probably the best way to describe it and it's better, I think. The dangers while not physical are still real to me at least.

The truth is I'm scared not to be. It was lonely before. Surrounded by vines and reeds and weeds. I latched on when maybe I should have let it slip by to stay in my overgrown jungle.

I was comfortable there. Wallowing. It wasn't healthy but I knew my supposed place. Being out in the open is scary but a good scary. I was told recently about good scary and it's true, it exists. Though it changes from scary to thrilling and you are able to derive enjoyment from it.

I made the right choice I know I did.

An Orange on the table

Bouncy, high and low, nowhere in between.

The thing about things that bounce is that when they stop bouncing the stop at the bottom, on the ground, as low as you can go. What we need to find is an invisible platform just the right side of between high and low. That sounds rather boring, being at the same level. What would be the point, is it worth hitting the floor so hard after being so free in the air right on the top of the bounce.

I am not a thing that bounces despite all appearances to the contrary but I am acting that way right now.

I know what makes me happy in fact here is a short non exhaustive list

Music
Books
Nicole
Shey
Georga
Caz
Esther
The Thames
The Old Blue Last
The Trolley Stop
Last.fm
Grant Naylor
Joss Whedon
Proud Galleries Camden(RIP)
xkcd
Soho
The Fay Wrays
Ny
London Buses
Walking

but what makes me sad? Here is a short list

?
?
?
?

In short I'm stumped.

So, what I will try to do is concentrate on the 1st list and hope the 2nd becomes clear over time and try not to dwell on it or think too much because that just gets me in trouble.

Bounce, bounce

WTF is wrong with me?

I don't remember much about this weekend!

I dropped the kids home and went to an old haunt in Dalston, which had a golf club behind the bar that looked used, where I drank and wrote in my journal and chatted with the locals for a couple of hours. I should've went home at this point but instead I went to my local to carry on drinking and I met a mate's brother and we drank together for a while. This is where it gets hazy. For some reason I was sat round a table full of people I didn't know talking about god only knows what. The next thing I know all hell breaks loose and I'm stopping someone from chasing someone else out of the pub and he's saying who's this cunt and I remember being short of breath and I went outside to see what was going on, one of the bar staff was telling me to get my drinking buddies to leave. I went across to them and we did end up leaving but how it dissipated I'll never know.

The night was interspersed with drunken texts to people on my phone as well.

The next day I couldn't do anything, I felt really down and guilty the just for the day, the guilt is a result of the drink/text combo. I hadn't done it for a long time and I'm sure it's nothing to worry about but I can't shake the guilt til the next day the depression lasted for the day too.

Sunday I felt better and went for a walk but ended up in the pub again, I only stayed for a couple and had a bite to eat with it and read over what I'd written in my journal and remember most of it bar one passage, the last. This is it unedited.

"I don't know how long she can keep it going before she lets go in the wrong way. I really believe this but I could be mistaken. I love her to pieces and it ????? when the facade drops and I see the real girl inside."

Fiction or not I don't know, I have no idea what it means in the slightest. The question marks is a word I can't make out, I have atrocious hand writing but I think it says works which doesn't fit but I was pished so..

Before this weekend I'd had one drink in about two weeks and I have no plans to drink in such copious amounts anytime soon, although I'll probably do just that because I'm weak.

At least I was trying to stop someone fighting instead of jumping in, a small saving grace to know I'm not a thug and morally I'm in the right place.

EDIT: It turns out the missing word is hurts, who knew!

The Language of Love

Is it possible to be in love and not want a physical relationship. I mean there are things and people I love but is it different to be in love with them. Or is it just the new use of language where there are less rules and they mean one and the same, or is it different for each individual. There are certain people I feel really passionate about no matter how little I really know them and it feels misplaced sometimes, the passion that is, and I end up with all these feelings I don't know what to do with. Grrr. I know that the way you feel about people changes according to circumstance and I could easily not feel so in love or could fall deeper who knows but what I'm really interested in knowing is are we just using labels to make our feelings easier to pigeon hole, do we really need to, can't we just feel it and not name it and be happy that we can feel it in the first place, could you imagine not being able to feel, even bad feelings....

....I fell asleep writing this and can't remember where I was going with it!?

50 @ 100

Not an exhaustive list but it's me none the less, I tried to get a 50/50 balance but I don't know if it comes accross that way,here goes:

I expect too much of others.

I give people second chances.

I fall in love easily.

I can be selfless.

I have mood swings that baffle me.

I'm generous.

I'm Jealous.

I put others first.

I blush at compliments.

I take things for granted.

I'm happy when it'smy round.

I question my conscious.

I listen.

I'm overweight.

I'm not fussy.

I trust the wrong people.

I'm loyal.

I Care about the unimportant things too much.

I don't "hate" anyone.

I find it hard to say no.

I'm willing to learn

I panic quicker now.

I have a passion for music.

I have low self esteem.

I love to read.

I think too much instead of doing.

I will meet you anywhere at anytime whenever you need me.

I'm clumsy.

I wil give you my coat when you're cold.

I find it awkward talking to people.

I'm good at my job.

I'm emotionally retarded.

I have my heart in the right place though.

I'm socially inept.

I'm honest

I'm not afraid of dying but...

I am afraid of what I'll leave behind for others.

I'm trustworthy

I worry far too much.

I'll look after the bags while you go to the loo.

I suit the word Monotonous.

I don't want anything bar music and love

I drink a lot.

I wear my heart on my sleave.

I eat a lot.

I take responsability for my actions

I'm stubborn.

I'm open minded.

I'm confused.

I'm old fashioned in the sense of holding open doors and walking on the road side of the pavement but not in the stay at home in the kthen biatch sense.

Don't put your trust in walls or What I learned this week

After the weekends highs I fell into a black hole of some sort where I felt ridiculously low and heavy on my chest and in my heart. There was a feeling of impending doom that went straight through me like I was being run through with a bloodied extremity extremely slowly. I spent three days on the verge of tears which did come early on. I can honestly say I've never felt anything like it before, I just didn't know what to do at all. When I was at work I pretty much did everything on autopilot, most of the people thought I was "flu-ey" and I just let them believe it, it was easier than than telling them the truth which was unexplainable anyway.

I still don't know why I was in such a state but I'm not anymore. I think the reason for this was a good old chat with other people. I mean I spoke to Nicole at work for over an hour and a half, we touched on my feelings but it was just a good general chat about nothing in particular. Afterwards I chatted with Kymm for a while but I didn't tell her I was down because she was too distracted with work so I just talked about the good times. When I got home I chatted with Georga on msn for a bit which was extraordinarily reassuring and helpful and lifted my spirits somewhat.I also had an email conversation (at the same time as Georga on msn) with Caz whom I hardly know but extremely fond of where I just poured it all out and in a few short words on her part I was feeling better and it may also have had something to do with a small admission to her on my part that seemed to lift more weight from my tired soul.

Now I'm not ow anymore it feels wrong, which is bad of me to think or feel but I do and I can't help feeling bad about feeling good, well I wouldn't go so far as to say good just better, one step at a time I suppose.

and in no particular order:

I learned south of the river ain't so bad

I learned that it's good to talk

I learned not to assume what others are thinking

I learned that it's OK to like Calvin Harris

I learned I should trust myself

I learned I should trust friends

I'm sure I learned more but...

Far gone on one...

So I just got back from a night and a day with two friends and I'm feeling pretty shitty for some reason. I should be enjoying the memory of a wonderful time but here I am down in the dumps. I love these guys to bits and I will see them tomorrow so I don't think it's missing them that's making me feel blue.

She strode up to the bar and ordered nine sambuccas.

That's how good the night was. The next day was a slightly more subdued affair with a couple of hangovers doing the rounds. We went to Greenwich and looked around the markets and strolled through the park and sat on the heath for a bit. A spot of shopping followed with a near clepto interlude and we went to the station and said our goodbyes.

When I got back in to town I went to the pub but only stayed for a quick pint, I wasn't really in the drinking mood to be honest I wanted to go home and curl up in bed. Which is what I am about to do, I just thought I'd write for a bit to see if it would ease the stress of depression. It feels better having written but not much because I haven't discovered any answers to the ever growing list of questions I pose here.

Do you know when you scream so loud cause it hurts so much but it's in your head, well that's what I'm doing right now.

What made me smile today

A man drinking a pint of Guiness in Burger King

In other news...

still snorkling the depths of my depression, (I say 'my depression' because I know there are people in far worse than I am). I can function within society but it's a front. Am being selfish for now

untitled?

I have to be at work in a few hours, having not been there for a fortnight it feels odd to go back. It's not like this is my first holiday or anything but this time it seems different. Or the same, I can't remember. I'm not happy, I don't think I remember the last time I was really happy, there have been moments don't get me wrong but this current bout of gloominess feels really heavy on my heart.

Giving up the drink is proving difficult I did go out one night and not drink while everyone else was. I like the people I was with and watching them edge in to inebriation was grating. There was also the vicarious worry for my friends girlfriend being late which wasn't entirely unfounded (as it turned out she was safe at home). those two things made me feel uneasy. If I wasn't alone in my sobriety it might help.

If I wasn't alone fullstop it might help. The time I spend with others feels like a chore at times and I'd much rather be somewhere else. My time off was supposed to be spent far more wisely than it was. It just felt like a quick succession of peaks and troughs of something resembling emotion.

The last book I read was The Bedroom Secrets of the Masterchefs and it had two main characters, Danny Skinner who was a heavy drinking, drug taking, shagging, hooligan. And Brian Kibby who was pretty much the opposite. At certain times I would relate to Skinner and others Kibby, not there good points though, always there negative aspects ie: Skinner's drinking and Kibby's social ineptitude. The two sides of my personality coin.

I'm at a low at the moment but I don't think it's the drink because I haven't had one since Thursday and music has been my only indulgence til now. Music seems to be the only constant, it's there through all the moods and emotions I give out.

I'm not sure what to do to get out of this feeling or mood or whatever it is.

It feels like forever since I blogged about something good, oh well hopefully it won't be much longer...

Must get dressed for another day in that hellhole of a job, that's another thing that doesn't help but that's another blog.

dream maker, heart breaker

I went for a really nice walk the other day, I managed to listen to Hissing Fauna, Earthly Pleasures and half of Waterloo to Anywhere, to give you an idea of how long I walked. I walked toward the city but got as far as Holborn Viaduct before deciding to head for the Thames and I thought of erstwhile friends while crossing Blackfriars Bridge to get to the Southbank where it was relatively quiet. I remembered all the times I had been here before with and without other people. The tide was out as far as I'd seen it for a while, my boyish curiosity surfacing, I wanted to go down to the side of the water amongst the driftwood and beer cans, get a closer look at the barges moored a little further out, I always wondered what was in those vessels. I thought of my father, he'd sometimes take us down to the sand and dirty water, we would write our names in the dark, wet sand with sticks which we'd later use to rake across the railings back on the promenade. By the time I came out of my reverie I'd already walked under Waterloo Bridge and there was some sort of party going on under the Hungerford Pier I didn't look down I just felt the bass in my chest. There were more people now, mainly tourists as I neared Hungerford Bridge and the light from the new shops in front of the Royal Festival Hall annoyed me. I knew I wouldn't have to put up with tourists much longer because they rarely went underneath Westminster Bridge, they would climb the steps on to the bridge to get to the palace of Westminster and it's St Stephen's Tower. As I approached, passing by the London Eye and the County Hall with it's Storm Troopers aiming out across the dark river and the Dali sculptures with all the Maccy D litter strewn under them. I entered the damp tunnel glad to leave the tourists behind, looking forward to a quieter walk. On the other side St Thomas's Hospital looked down on me and I thought of the few times I had been in there, when my son was sick, the time my friend had her baby. The rest of the journey on the South side of the Thames was unfamiliar because I had rarely ventured this far west, I carried on under Lambeth and Vauxhall bridges till I could no longer follow the river. I turned back and crossed Vauxhall Bridge, a lot of buses were passing me and I thought I might jump on one because I was getting tired. When I was nearing the other side of the bridge I turned my ankle and had to sit down for a few minutes until the pain eased. Heading back in to town on Millbank, across to Whitehall, over Trafalger Square and home. I didn't do much thinking on the way back, probably because of the pain in my ankle and I didn't enjoy it as much as the Southbank again the pain was a dampener. The South seems to hold all the memories and you look over the river to home, maybe that's why I like it there.

Anyway that's what I did instead of drinking on Satruday night

Edit: I think I've fixed it but for some reason the sentences somehow ended up in the wrong order. I don't think it would make much difference anyway lol :)

Another blog about drinking

I went to Samina's leaving do today but I was still recovering from the excess of the previous night. Sobriety lasted all of four days as I went for it big time starting with four pints in little over half an hour. I did slow down a bit after because John and Diane came in and I chatted with them for a bit, when they left I had one more and went on to another pub where I sat at the bar and had a quick pint, feeling a bit restless I moved on to another pub where I settled with a 1664. A lot of the younger lot from my ends drink in this one for some reason and I chatted with them for a while until they called last orders. I must have had at least twelve pints and coming out tonight I felt a little uneasy but I persevered. I got my first drink at half four and I didn't finish it. I was feeling a bit claustrophobic, which is ironic as Wetherspoons are known for being cavernous, so I said my goodbyes and I left with Wasi and we had a drink in a bar around the corner while she waited for her fella I had a Gin & Orange and she a Cranberry juice. We talked about Old Street and music and relationships and society and drinking and blogging. We went to anothe pub closer to the station where I had a J2O and she a Tea.

Wasi is really cool and for some reason she makes me want to be healthy It's strange but I like it and the calming effect she has on me can only be good. She sings songs too check her out here.

So, only two alcoholic beverages tonight which I'm very happy about but still disappointed about the night before.

That Decision Was Mine

I really like Klaxons but I do think Natasha Khan was robbed oh and who got Lauren Laverne up the duff?

Also didn't The Young Knives look dapper especially The House of Lords and by the way Ade Edmondson is a G

liver let die or worst title ever

Had the boys over on Saturday. The 5 year old was saying things which pierced my soul and he obviously doesn't realise how much it hurts. It was hard for me to hide the pain but I told him not to say such things and made a go of the rest of the day but he misbehaved for the most part and I was exhausted by the time I dropped them home, I didn't tell their mother, she wouldn't care less anyway (about me, not the kids).

I went to a gig later that night and after the first drop of Staropramen passed my lips and slid gently and reassuringly down my throat I resolved to get absolutely, stupidly wrecked. Not the best idea in the world bearing in mind I was angry and alcohol is a mood enhancer as it turned out I behaved well though the lager induced amnesia reminded me of being attacked and felt guilty for not remembering anything like that night. The bits I remember and what I've been told are roughly as follows. Got to Old Blue Last for the gig saw the first band The Human Value who I enjoyed Then The Sessions played followed by Glasvegas this is where it gets hazy, Hey Gravity were playing and I was apparently dancing and I'm sure I remember the singer standing on the bar and holding her hand however I may have made that up I don't remember my friend leaving although he said he saw the last band who were on quite late. I don't remember leaving but I do remember getting a cab to my local instead of going home (stupid). My sister was leaving the pub as I was going in for what turned out to be a lock in. My friend said I was doing the whole your my best friend drunk routine and could tell I wanted to talk (possibly about the boys) but she was angry (not because of me, hopefully but I do believe her when she said it wasn't me) and apparently I didn't mind and carried on as normal. I was behind the bar at one point and I remember having a sambucca but Tina said me and Del were having a sambucca and asked in unison Do you want one I don't remember that. We left to go back to T's house but I had been up since 5 that morning and fell asleep there for a bit then I went home at god knows what time it was light outside.

The next day I resolved never to have a drink again, that lasted not very long at all when I was invited out for a "few". It felt good to be around people and I didn't over do it today although it was a monster session which didn't end till half five the next morning.

It was mentioned, more than once, that I'm getting back to being a more confident Mike like the one I was achieving before being assaulted. I still like to be alone but I am finding it easier to deal with more than one person at a time and being in large groups is less of a chore now and there's less anxiety involved. I still have a long way to go but I'm making steps in the right direction. I do miss being able to go out and not drink like we did when we were young but everything seems to revolve around the pub and drinking, I will be making a concerted effort to do things that don't involve drink and when we do drink I will try to drink less although I am a fool for male bravado and try and drink as much as everyone else then some just need to get over that mentality.

Mick's liver: What in the hell did I ever do to you, you bastard.
Mick: Sorry old son how can I earn your forgiveness.
Mick's liver: Knock the drink on the head for a bit dear boy
Mick's brian, kidneys and various other vital organs: Here, Here!
Mick: OK boys I'll give it me best shot, now where's the tequila.
Mick's vitals: :gasps:
Mick: Just kidding chaps.

I just re-read this and realised I'm quite dull (not sarcastic dull, actual dull dull)

Thursday

Esther's Leaving do. I got there 2 hours after everyone else because of work and they were all pissed and being sober around the intoxicated is unsettling for me so I proceeded to catch up which I did spending 50 odd quid in 4 hours, not bad considering we were in a cheap bar. Interesting things happened one of which was being kissed for the 1st time since I don't know when. This was odd because I wasn't expecting it and also because she is gay I either can't remember or don't know why it happened, not that I'm complaining, it was very nice, just odd that's all. She's a great girl and I love her to pieces and we planned to meet on Sunday to go to Soho Pride. Anyway we left the pub and headed down Victoria Street to St. James Park where we lay on the floor underneath the canape of the bandstand with heads on laps and songs in our voices, the girls danced around the poles holding up the bandstand making the water cascade around them with shrieks and giggles I thought why don't we do this more often I felt really happy at that moment. It felt as though we were there forever when we decided to get up, Georga (whose mother I was speaking with on the phone at one point during the night and was later told by Georga that she thought I was lovely, cue pangs of happiness and endearment) and I held hands for a bit which also made me very happy (it's amazing how the slightest touch from someone else can make you feel) while we walked to Trafalgar Square where I knew she would be leaving. We bade farewell and then there were three Paul, Esther and myself we elected to go drinking because we were sobering up an upon deciding a bar we headed for it but it was shut when we arrived. It was getting late and I was knackered so I went with Paul and Esther to their respective bus stops and went home where I was to call Esther and let her know I was back safe because she was worried about me since I hadn't been out much after being assaulted, I put the phone down and had a half decent sleep for the 1st time since I don't know when.

Saturday

I was working today and wasn't in the mood to go out drinking and I hadn't seen her all day which was odd because I thought I was over feeling that way but as I was leaving I saw Paul and Georga coming out of the lift and they gave me a card with a badge which I would wear on Monday. So we strolled to the station and decided to have a drink on Monday because it was my birthday and Georga was going on holiday the day after. I got home looking forward to a night of rest and my mood had lightened. My sister came later and said we're going out for my birthday and I couldn't really say no. So we went to a quiet pub on Queens Square and sat outside under the awning watching the rain it was miserable but the drink flowed until last orders when we went bowling where all the girls looked like the were trying out for Grease. Anyway we went on to Tina's and drank and talked till 6 in the morning.

Sunday

6 hours later I was meeting Esther and her friends at Leicester Square to go to Soho pride. We spent the day in various drinking establishments getting unsteadily sloshed. Everyone I met today was really nice and I felt very welcome as the relative stranger of the group. Later we ended up at a place called Candy Bar wherein the lack of a 'gents' was disconcerting and queueing for the loo was an odd experience in which I was very aware of my penis and being completely surrounded by lesbians. Outside the bar there was a gaydargirls radio stage so we went to the front and had a bit of a dance but I was getting tired and decided to call it a day. I didn't go straight home which was a bad idea. I went to my local where than landlord bought me a pint I sat inside at the bar and didn't notice my friends outside so when I was leaving they collared me and we went for a few more in The Cross Keys. I was wrecked by the time they called last orders but I still went back to my local but I physically couldn't fit anymore in so I left without word to my friend which I felt bad about and apologised for.

Monday

The day of my actual birthday, the day I turn 29, the dawning of an end of an era the last year of my twenties. I went to The George Tavern opposite work at about half three in the afternoon sat alone waiting for colleagues who won't get here till after four Paul and Georga get here first and we get a round in and move to more comfortable seats in the corner when Hena arrives. So we do a couple of shooters when Hena decides it would be a good idea to put make up on me and I thought it would be a good idea to let her much to the amusement of the rest of the pub I left it on for another round before she helped me remove it in the bathroom. Georga said something to me along the lines of she thinks I'm really great and I always look after her when we're out and her mum thinks I'm lovely, I didn't stay long after this and went to my local who were celebrating their birthday as well. My friends were there sitting outside so I got a Gin and OJ and joined them. Inside they had a DJ and Grease was playing on all the screens and after many, many sambuccas and even more gin a keg of lager was won and there was a dance off I actually enjoyed my birthday for the 1st time since I don't know when.

Apologies to my liver for the events of this weekend.

the mousey girl screams "violence, violence!"

Adolescent behaviour in a grown man does seem wrong but fuck it I'm being indulgent.

A few weeks back (the night HP7 came out) I went to Boogloo to see The Fay Wrays, Mat Saunders and Lisa Moorish who was doing Pussyole acapella which was quite funny . Any way I got there at 8ish ordered a drink and sat under the clock, I put my trilby on the stiool next to me and surveyed the pub from my vantage point, it was empty bar two fellas sitting at the corner of the bar in front of me. I felt really comfortable there, in the pub I mean, it felt special thinking of all the people who have drank and played here in the past and the fact it just looked like an ordinary boozer. Half of the Fay Wrays came in with Keara which brought me out of my reverie, hugs and handshakes later I was told they mentioned me in an interview and I was gobsmacked, my heart rose and I was really happy. We talked about their gig at Hackney Empire and it turned out there was a cock up with the guestlists and even they couldn't get in to their own gig and they were really disappointed that I didn't get in but I wasn't too fussed and it was nice to be thought of. We sat outside so the smokers could smoke and a young lady called Fizz came along who is a photographer and she shoots bands, I'd seen her at gigs before and was always intimidated by her,don't know why but it turns out she is very nice and easy to talk to.

All the bands were awesome and the DJ afterwards was great, I went to the bar once more and noticed that one of the fellas from earlier was actually Shane MacGowan and he was drinking triple gin and tonics of which I bought him one.

It was time to go, I wanted to pick up HP7 and read it before work the next day. I left with Lucie, Cammy, Keara, Fizz and Nip who got in a cab and I said I'd walk down to Archway to get a better chance of a bus...........I didn't make it. ..............There was someone on a pushbike........................ I said No you ain't and laughed. .....................So it's about 5:30 in the morning and someone is asking me if I'm ok I said yeah I just need to get back to central London, the woman pointed me in the direction of the bus back, it turns out i was in Crouch End which is about a mile and a half from the pub I was in. My hands were drenched in blood and everything was blurry It wasn't until later I figured out it was because my glasses were gone. Later I noticed I made 2 phone calls I don't remember making and my hat was gone. When I looked in the mirror my face was cut and bruised and my nose was bloody. I went to bed.

I went to hospital on Sunday where they said I had concussion and amnesia as a result of being hit about the head, I had a CT scan which was ok and they sent me home but I still had a raging headache that was to last 2 weeks.

This is the 1st time I've recounted the night in writing, but too many times orally.

 
I didn't go out after dark again for 2 weeks when I attended an of Montreal gig at the Scala my headache subsided and I was excited and apprehensive. The gig was sensational it was one of the best I've ever been, to anyone near the front got covered in red glitter and fake blood. When it was time to go I started to panic and my heart was racing but not like it was during the gig, I was scared and as soon as I left the club I jumped in the nearest taxi and it took the journey home to calm down and my headache flared up again.

Ever since I've been having really violent dreams but I think that's just my sub-concious trying to figure out what happened because I can't when awake. I've also been very run down and my immune system is really weak and I keep getting sick easily. I'm sure it will pass but for now I just feel fucked.

...

I did have a funny dream the other night though, I was at The Old Blue Last it was during the day and there was a battle going on with loads of indie bands fighting an unseen enemy "2 tribes" was the soundtrack. I had a guitar with a TV screen (???) and a large bottle of lager with a sports cap (???). There were also french groupies outside an Irish pub which isn't really there (???). I think I need help

...

What is wrong with the NME I mean the Shane/Peter compare in the Babyshambles interview was annoying and lazy and why do they keep slating the park. I might stop buying it.

Thank god it's friday ...or not

Just realised what day it is, this day has never bothered me and I'm not really superstitious but when I think of all the things that could go wrong tonight, well let's just say there are some trust issues I need to deal with and I should keep my jealousy in check.

:takes deep breath:

I have nothing to worry about!

I'm a neat guy!

I am a love machine

repeat

PS can you tell I was watching friends just recently although possibly misquoted

It's alright no one reads this anyway

If you tell me something I will keep it secret and no matter if we fall out I will never betray a confidence. I tell people things and I think I am quite open, but when I tell secrets I don't ask for them to be kept I just assume they will be and generally they are. I suppose it's a bit naive of me but I just can't bring myself to say don't tell anyone it sounds too weird.

There are things I have never told anybody and there are things I haven't told certain people and I hate keeping my own secrets to myself. This feels odd because I hold so many others' secrets.

I suppose sometimes it is better not to say anything but that feels wrong even though the possible consequences could be detrimental to my relationships with others.

I'm still here

I wasn't lost just misplaced for a while. I've been writing on paper a lot recently but I will copy it here soon, I think.

Unoriginal/cliche

We "spoke" on msn last night for three hours, I don't think I've been on it that long with everyone put together. We flirted or at least I did not on purpose I think. I don't want to mistake friendliness with the other thing but what's the point (in life) if you can't let go every once in a while. I sick of being guarded and I need a bit of freedom, what's that saying... No pain, no gain, that's true right for most things I suppose.

I want to talk to her face to face alone but that never seems to happen and when it does there's not enough time because I take ages to say things even normal day to day things. I think I express myself fairly clearly on here but it doesn't seem to translate to the real world.

Teen angst thirteen years too late gotta love it right.

There went nothing

Well, her friends came along too so I didn't get a chance to say what I wanted. I didn't feel bad afterwards though but maybe that's because I copped out of saying that thing that you say, or not I don't know. I do know I will do it soon and I am continuing to brace myself.

Here goes everything

I'm about to go to lunch with this girl from work and I'm shitting bricks because I'm going to ask her today.

 

I can expect rejection and disappointment but I will still be ill prepared for that outcome, wish me luck.

 

 

and now...more shallow consumerism

So,

 

I bought a hat.  It's a very nice hat, a trilby, black pinstripe. I'll put a picture up later.

Of all the frogs

So we went to a gig at a club night in the Mean Fiddler on Saturday Georga, Paul and I. We saw The More Assured, they came on about 1am and played for about half an hour. I really enjoyed it and we managed to stand at the front. We danced to some good indie classics and some old school dance tracks. I had a really good time and I'm sure my friends did too. I didn't get drunk either which was a plus point I suppose. We left about 3am and we walked to Trafalgar Square so Georga could get a bus and Paul a taxi and I went to a friends house where I talked to Tina about what's been going on with my life and had a few cans until 5.30am.

Today I didn't do anything much other than walk and listen to music on the iPod. I walked around Hampstead for a bit because I'd never been around there on foot before and I hopped on a bus back to home. I had a lot of time to think about things I always do when I walk, I just sort of wander aimlessly around town because it's not about getting somewhere it's just time, alone. When my thoughts are frantic I tend to walk quickly which I don't like so I try and and think slowly and clearly and not get over excited. I often take flights of fancy which helps no one because I have a lot to work out in my head but I can't do it if I daydream.

I've said it before. I like someone and most of my thoughts are of trying to figure out what to do about it and I have had some excellent advice but it's thinking about her or the situation is clouding my concentration, I'm a big boy and shouldn't let it get to me. I was with the same person for 7 years or so and she was the first relationship I'd been in and coming out of it I feel like I'm back at square one and haven't a clue as to what I'm supposed to do or how I'm supposed to act, I mean do people still court, I was out of the "game" for so long and for a while I didn't want to play and now I'm 28 in the position of a teenager. I'm wallowing now so will stop writing.

Material Boy

I'm ashamed of myself.

I went shopping today and I bought:

1 Pair of Katherine Hamnett Boots
2 Pairs of Aldo Loafers
1 Black Pinstripe Suit
2 Linen Shirts; 1 long sleeved and 1 short sleeved
1 Pair of Straight Cut Jeans
1 Chicken and Sweetcorn Baguette

This made me happy and that is why I'm ashamed.

But now I look sexy so it all evens itself out I suppose.

Uncomfortably Numb

So. I went out last night for a friends birthday, just to the pub after work and ended up staying for five hours. I drank a ridiculous amount of Bombay Sapphire and tonic and consequently don't remember much of the night and I hope I didn't cause offence to anyone.

I know I said I would stop worrying about what I do on nights out but I can't help it. I also know it's my own fault for drinking too much. So a new leaf methinks, moderate drinking ahoy.

But will I stick to it???

flitting

Deep depression<---------5 minutes------------>Excited schoolgirl

So I couldn't sleep or 5x5=25

There I go again reading into things that aren't necessarily there I've been on the phone with a girl I like the girl in fact. Just to hear her voice is a pleasure but when I finally put the phone down after thirteen minutes and thirty three seconds (a long time for me) I felt a bit shit. We didn't talk about anything in particular and she answered in the affirmative when I said we should do something when we both have the same day off. So why do I feel low? I think maybe because I wasn't more positive about asking her out, because I only did it in a round about sort of way not even directly really (saying "we should do something" isn't "I like you, would you like to go on a date with me" or whatever the cool kids are saying these days), because, because I don't know! She did mention she went for a drink with a someone from work while she was waiting for us to go to the pictures, they asked her if she wanted to it seemed so blase "do you want to go for a drink while you wait" I can't do that, I mean i can but I don't. I'm just rubbish and feeling sorry for myself as per.

Selfish Cunt

I'm being very self involved at the moment. I wonder if it reflects in what I'm doing and if anyone has noticed or been upset by my selfishness. I need to strike a balance between selfless and selfish I'm usually one or the other more recently the latter.

I don't normally have a specific thing to say when I write here, I just start typing and see what comes out like now. I'm not really going anywhere with this so I should just stop now and go to bed, early start tomorrow

Indecisive piece of shit

I can't stop playing the new Cribs album, don't know why. It's just great.

Yay for Jarmans!

Round 2

I'm jaded. At least with certain aspects of life. I'll be 29 in August. I've never worried about age. I don't believe in being the way society tells you to be. I do compromise despite myself. I don't like it that image is so important.

I feel like that bad guy in the shit version of The Italian Job who takes all the money and buys everyone else's dreams because he can't think of his own. I still don't really know what I want from life. I don't see the problem with just wondering at the moment. I wouldn't say it's aimless. I'm doing things I want to do.

If I ever end up with this girl I like what will she expect from me in the way of a future. I mean a woman can look after herself obviously but she'll never want someone without focus. Maybe my feelings are clouding my judgment. In the past I have been married and had a mortgage and a temporary promotion but all that went a bit pear shaped.

I feel like I'm starting again. Completely. New friends. New places. New crush. Go the all new teenage me.

I feel a bit pretentious saying all this but I've said it now so.

Old school like Happy Shopper

So I've found this new-fangled device for blogging it's great and you can take them anywhere it comes in two parts, wait for it... a pen and paper. It's great, I've been really enjoying writing anywhere and if a thought just pops in to my head I can jot it down.

I went for a walk the other day and popped into the post office and picked up a notepad and some biros, walked through Shoreditch to Dalston and sat in a pub for a couple of hours drinking and writing it flows much better out of a pen then a keyboard for me anyway so hence my absence from this here bloggy thing.

I suppose I will post my scribblings some time soon even though they are just as mind numbingly disappointing and boring. Just one problem, I can't decipher my own handwriting so it won't be word for word but the gist will still be there.

Paradise Found

I wen to see Paradise Lost with some chaps some from work and I had a really nice time, the film was shit but a nice time was had regardless. I felt a part of the group rather than tagging along like last time, so that's like progress right. Hang on, this sounds like starting over. Hail the all new socialising mike and his amazing wonderfriends.

Violent mood swings

Gotta love em.

I was reasonably happy not so long ago and now I'm back to feeling pessimistic and sorry for myself , I'd give anything for a bit of stability right now *sigh*

Once a glimpse

Where was I?

This weekend was a bit of a bust gigwise, I missed 2 gigs on Friday & Saturday. Friday was to see Paloma Faith & The Unfaithful at the Spitz but they weren't playing because their singer was sick so we toddled of towards Brick Lane to check out 93 feet east where JME & Plan B were playing but they were on too late and we didn't want to wait so we decided to call it a night. Saturday I was meant to see Of Montreal at the Scala, I even had a ticket for that one but I didn't go. I suppose I feel a bit drained this week after last weekends debauchery. Thursday was quite good though I went to an open mic in Archway to support my friend Wasi who was playing a couple of songs and I hadn't seen her since she left the job.

I had the kids round during the day on Saturday as well but the heat was ridiculous and Connor was unwell so we had a quiet day.

Today I'm supposed to be going to a gig at 93 feet east to see Olympus Mons and I'm not sure if I will go just yet but I can be swayed I just need a certain spur.

I have been having strange dreams again now that I'm sleeping. One was where my ex wife's Grandmother couldn't breathe and I had to fix her oxygen tank. Another was a teenage girl i have only seen in pictures walking down an empty city street catching glimpses of herself in the mirrored windows and she saw a perfect version or how she sees herself I'm not sure which but she was happy when she saw the reflection.

This will do for now methinks.

How I feel about the passing of a friend

My friend died last week.  I didn't know him as well as everyone else but I don't really know anyone as well as anyone else.  He was the first of my contemporaries to go.  It feels like it's just the start and more will follow inevitably.  Now I feel I should review the way I live my life because when something like this happens it makes you realise your own mortality. I'm not sure exactly what I want to say here but just had to get some words out. I've noticed myself becoming more, I don't know, maybe aware or alive.  I went to see some one I work with at her other job whom I hardly know but I did it without thinking, normally that's something I wouldn't do at all or worry about going and then bottle it when I get there.  It doesn't sound like much but for me it's quite a big deal.  I've made friends with some people at work and we've been out a few times, being able to connect to other people is more important than I thought it was.

 

So, I think a concerted effort is required on my side to just, be and to have an impact on other people hopefully in a positive way.

 

This took quite along time to write but it's not edited just as is when I've come back to add more thoughts

 

Rest in Peace George, I miss you, we all do.

Crushing

I said I wouldn't but alas
*sighs*
more later

This weekend continued

So I went out for a few more drinks with Faye and Stace add 5 more to make the tally 28 for the weekend we talked about George and how it made us feel and how we would try and make changes in our lives and actually live them instead of worrying about it. We also debated about free speech which Faye found therapeutic and in turn I found that odd. And talked about regrets and how it was better to regret having done something than to regret not having done it.

Here's to remembering not dwelling and looking to the future not dreaming it.

Every cloud

This Weekend

So it's a Bank Holiday weekend, yay for the extra day off although I did have to work on Saturday which was a pain seeing as I was still pissed from the night before.

Back to Friday. I went to the pictures with some guys from work to see Pirates of the Caribbean: The One with lots o' Jacks. It was really good but I found it quite long but that maybe down to the fact I hadn't been to the cinema in about a year and a half also because I live in the west end it's like a tenner to see a film and I'm normally brass. Anyway we left the picture house at about half ten and I was supposed to meet another friend to see a gig but I was way tired after a long week and said my goodbyes to everyone which was bizarre for reasons I won't go in to here (just yet). On my way home I popped in to the Crown & Anchor to see my sister and to pay my respects to a friend who died last week but I wasn't feeling like seeing people so I left and went home. At home I was feeling restless and I went out again to O'neills where I knew nobody would be there, just yet anyway, and started knocking back the pints at an alarming rate and decided to go back to the other pub but it was shut. It turned out they were in The White Hart because some of them are banned from O'neills (I'm not entirely sure how I figured out they would be at this pub). While there I met an old friend who was as pissed as I was and we chatted about the good old days and she said if my ex gives me any trouble she would sort her out and there are not many chaps like me who want to see their kids which made me smile and I started feeling less sorry for myself. We headed back to O'neills now The White Hart was closing but I still felt alone even though everyone was there and i was talking to them I even ask one of my friends I went to Cali with if he wanted to go to Brazil (which I completely mean to follow up on). Those of us still standing left at closing or about half an hour later being coaxed away from our drinks, I walked with a friend to there flat and talked to her about something I'd done but wasn't sure if it was OK to have done it (more on that later (probably)). So I made my way back home where fully intended to sleep for two days straight however work was but a few hours away.

Saturday, that was fun. I got to work just on time after an understandably sluggish start (sleep came and went every few minutes through the night/morning) I was hoping for a quiet day which mercifully it was, after some ibuprofen lots of water and fast food I started feeling a little better. It was then I realised I was supposed to be going out again tonight, I didn't want to look at another alcoholic beverage for at least a week. I'd asked some people to go with me so I couldn't let them down so I went home and changed for the gig Which was at The Old Blue Last to see The Noyze, The Genies The Sessions (who turned out to be DJing and not playing which was one of the main reasons for going), Horsebox and Mark Keds Like A Bitch. We got there just before 9 and the first band my friend from work was already there and my sister and her friend came with me. It was unusually quiet in there for some reason and I don't think my friends were enjoying it as much as I'd hoped because I love this place and I always have a good time when I come here. Anyway they all left early (last trains and all that) and I was on my own again. I went to sit down by the DJ booth and I must have fallen asleep what with being up s long, the Geezer from The Sessions tapped me on the shoulder and asked me if I was OK, I was, and made my way to the bar and to see the last band of the night which I was looking forward to and glad I didn't sleep through. Mark Keds was fantastic, he felt like a Libertine and had that urch charm that people talk about. Cue me jumping around like a lunatic. After the set I went to H the promoter and told him I thought the night was fantastic and I wanted to see them again as well as the other bands who were also awesome. So I left. I got to Holborn it was about two or half past and I needed some cash and went to the cash machine where i was trying to explain to someone who had asked how to get to Fabric but it was complicated on foot and told em to get a taxi but they said they were poor. As I was walking to O'neills I thought "How can you go to Fabric If you are poor that place is expensive" but never mind I got to the pub and my sister was there with her friend chatting to a fella but I'd already had a skin full and didn't stay long. So home to bed.

Sunday, mostly slept but got up to go to the pub and watched the Hurling where Cork were playing Clare with my old man and we drank a few pints and I figured out I drank about 23 pints in a day and a half and went home again to eat and rest before we went to the pictures again this time to see Zodiac. I thought it was a good film but again it felt really long and would have been better at home on TV. We got back and I watched a couple of films until daybreak The first one was The girl from Rio i think, which had Hugh Laurie in it and the it was Psychomania with Beryl Reid about some bikers who kill themselves to come back invinsible and terrorie their town and then I saw HPatGoF.

Today I did sod all bar write this blog.

Coming Up ...update

somethings I'll be doing in the coming weeks

May 17: Bishi With Paloma Faith at The Lock Tavern

May 21: Kirsten's 2nd Birthday

May 25: Morten Valance with Captain Black , The ripps and Stylish Riots DJs at Barfly

May 26: Mulligan Presents Mark Keds LAB (Like A Bitch), Ex Senseless Things and JOLT, The Sessions, The Genies, The Noyze Djs: Albanak Djs at The Old Blue Last

June 2: Of Montreal With Fields, Lupen Crook and The Strange Death Of Liberal England at Scala

June 6: The Fay Wrays at Turnmills

June 7: Connor's 5th Birthday

June 8: Hadouken! With Late of the Pier at Koko

June 10: The Fay Wrays at The Constitution

June 13: The Fay Wrays at The Luminaire

July 14: London's largest water fight at Hyde Park

July 25: Cibelle With Tunng, Infantjoy, Robert Logan and Sonver at The Luminaire

August 20: Circle Line Pub Crawl at Various pubs on the Circle Line

Girls who play sitar's

I went to an acoustic night tonight with some people from work. I wasn't expecting much as my friend recommended it but surprisingly it turned out to be rather excellent. First up was a chap named Emit Block who appeared to be from the deep south although he could have been from Wimbledon for all I know. He played some guitar and a harmonica and I was transported instantly to the middle of New Orleans, things were looking up. Next up was Paloma Faith who my friend had come to see she wore feathers in her hair and an old style ball gown like you see in westerns and show tune films with long satin gloves the look was striking and when she sang I was hooked, her voice was amazing. I was reminded of Amy Winehouse but with something extra I couldn't figure out. Last up was Bishi A young lady of Bengali background who is a classically trained musician, came on stage with a sitar, there was a Tabla player and a guitarist for accompaniment and she sounded great she sang of being on the night bus, with a sitar was just incredible and a song called Majors was fantastic but she played it again at the end of the set because it cocked up in the beginning. A good time was had by all, thanks Carlos (well done for scouting Paloma), Georga (sorry for winding you up sweetheart) Mo (thanks for offering the lift) and Paul (here's to many more) hope you got home safe chaps.

You know you've gone mad when

You start dreaming in Facebook!

Unfinished Symphony

So, I was writing a poem t'other night but I was tired and falling asleep. When I woke up I couldn't remember how I wanted to finish it. I will post the end result as soon as I work out the ending, be warned though it will be shit, but that's not the point really.

This Cookie's not for crumbling

I went to see 1990s tonight, it was their Album launch party at The Borderline a nice cosy venue, hidden away just off Charing Cross Road, which was nearly packed out tonight. When I got there A female fronted four piece from Scotland were playing, I think they were called Fake Fang but I'm not 100% on that and they were very good.

1990s are a three piece from Glasgow I don't know much else about them other than that. I felt they had a little of the Kinks, Beatles, Strokes, Eagles and quite possibly some Boston thrown in there although I could be completely wrong on all counts. The drummer who was raised up a little and the kit brought forward so we could see him singing and the guitarist shared lead singing duties through the set. I don't know all the names of the songs the played and I'm rubbish at remembering the order but for me their most notable track of the evening was Situation, the set closer, which had a whopping what felt like ten minutes of sublime guitar soloing. They returned for an encore of two more songs after a foot stamping and cheering crowd urging them to.

After the set Cansei de Ser Sexy did a DJ set and also some VERY SPECIAL GUESTS, I wonder who they were and will I be kicking myself when I find out, but needs must so I went home because I hadn't (still haven't) slept since Saturday Night. All in all an excellent gig from a delightful indie pop band we should be hearing lots more from in the very near future, well worth it. :)

The Sessions - What is this feeling

Chech 'em out here

Sunday, Bloody Sunday

Sunday was odd. I had my hair cut for the first time in about 2 years, I normally shave it off myself and I thought I'd treat myself afterwards I went to an all day gig at The Fly in New Oxford Street. At 2pm I went to pick up the ticket I ordered but they just stamped my hand. So I stayed for a beer and listened to the DJ who was just starting. There were only a few people there at this point who must have been involved with the bands and DJs so I just sat and read my Breakfast at Tiffany's slowly sipping my beer not many people came in while I was there so I drank up and went for some breakfast.

I walked to Subway's at the boring end of Shaftsbury Avenue which was empty and I ordered a meatball marinara and a cookie. While I was eating a couple of Americans came in who sat and talked about U.S. colleges and the ivy league, apparently USC is OK but not that good and northwestern is better. I don't know why I remembered that but I like hearing American voices in especially in London that's why I don't mind giving directions, which happens a lot because of where I live, they look slightly bemused when I speak back to them my London twang is sometimes unintelligible if you're not used to it. I remember meeting a middle-aged American couple from Florida in my local once but that's for another time I've just noticed my digression.

So I was in Subway and over the voices There was music and I liked it. Now I wouldn't normally ask what it was because I'm a bit shy but I did this time I suppose it was the pre breakfast beer but anyway I asked the girl who made my sub who told me what it was, which, if you are interested was Orishas a Cuban hip hop outfit. So I sat and listened while I digested my meal a little bit then I strolled back to the all-dayer.

There were a few more people in there now and I didn't feel like a weirdo anymore for being there early so I got another beer and read more of the book at the same table I sat by earlier.. A different DJ was playing now and she played Maximo Park and The Zutons and I was happy to sit and listen while people went to the gig room to see one of the early acts.

I left again but this time I went to the pub around the corner to see the football. while there I had another pint and watched the first 15 minutes because the drinks were expensive so I went to my local instead where they pour my pint as I walk through the door which is much appreciated and I spoke to the landlord who gave me stick over the European result earlier that week, sodding Liverpool knocked us out in the semi finals, anyway I watched most of the rest of the match there then I went home to rest before going back to the bar to see the bands on in the evening.

When I got there my friend came along who was supposed to have been there from the start but I didn't mind. I watched him and his girlfriend watch the band until they noticed me and I went over.

The next band on were called The Natives and they were rather good in my opinion apart from them gloating about having just won the league when I told them to fuck off but they didn't hear me because all the fans they brought with them cheered at the same time, never mind. towards the end of their set it was packed and getting quite rowdy and my friends girlfriend didn't like being in the middle of it so I had to push people out of the way to get her out of what was quickly becoming a mosh pit. I went upstairs to the bar because I was tired and thirsty, I got a water and another beer, I drank the water upstairs and watched the DJ who looked a lot like another DJ but they couldn't be the same because this one was playing drum and bass and her doppelganger normally plays indie and kitsch, I put it down to dehydration and went back downstairs but the crowd had swelled and I couldn't get in so back upstairs I went and sipped my pint and watched the strange twin DJ until the band finished their set.

I noticed about half the people who were downstairs were now filtering out the front door and I went downstairs to my friends who ended up at the back of the room and we chatted a while until Marvin the Martian came on. After some technical difficulties They opened with Superman, a song they have only done live so far and until then had not heard, then they played I Hate My Job and I was screaming back every lyric and Jack Nimble came and shook my hand from the stage which made my night. They stormed through the set which included an appearance by an inflatable chicken and a shout to Paul Simonon to let them use the Guns of Brixton sample and for the last song, Boom Remix, with Tego another MC and the place just went nuts and we were bouncing around all over the place, so much so that i broke my glasses, it felt great.

I went upstairs to sit outside on the pavement to try and fix my glasses and catch my breath, no luck with the glasses but I felt better after the fresh air and I went back in. Once there I sat on a table by the bar and Marvin was coming past so I congratulated him on the set and said I'd seen him before at The Old Blue Last and he said he remembered which also made my night. I shook his hand and went back downstairs where I passed Jack from the set who said thanks for the support and shook my hand again and I was smiling which is rare.

I met my friends again who were still at the back and we chatted while waiting for Example who was the headliner. The first half of the set wasn't that good and his flow was a bit disjointed and some woman kept dancing next to me and bumping in to me with her bag but she moved away. Example was getting better and the crowd were getting behind him after some good usage of Britney's Toxic for a sample. I noticed a woman talking to my friend whispering something and then she walked away, my friend said she said "Be careful I think that man behind you is a pickpocket he was trying to get in my handbag" I felt a bit shocked and upset at being accused of such a thing, it turns out she was the one who was dancing next to me and bumping in to me and then i saw the funny side and laughed with my friend. I hope she saw and realised her mistake but it's still not nice to be accused.

When the set finished we left and said our goodbyes at the bus stop and I walked home to get some well deserved rest.

The next day I woke early and there was no hangover which was a bonus but as usual when I go out and have a good time there was some residue guilt that I can never seem to shake. I decided to go for a stroll around the park there was no one about because of the bank holiday and I was feeling better so I went and bought my sister a great big TV for her new flat and didn't tell her it was there and she found out when she went to look at her flat which made me happy.

My, that was a bit of a longun!