Books I read last year

Nearly got there!

1 20 Fragments of a Raveous Youth - Xiaolu Guo
2 A Concise Chinese-English Dictionary For Lovers - Xiaolu Guo
3 Pygmalion - George Bernard Shaw
4 The City of Dreaming Books - Walter Moers
5 Breakfast at Tiffany's - Truman Capote
6 Look We Have Coming to Dover! - Daljit Nagra
7 The Colossus - Sylvia Plath
8 By Grand Central Station I Sat Down and Wept - Elizabeth Smart
9 On Chesil Beach - Ian McEwan
10 Atonement - Ian McEwan
11 The Bedroom Secrets of the Master Chefs - Irvine Welsh
12 If You Liked School You'll Love Work - Irvine Welsh
13 Come On In: New Poems - Charles Bukowski
14 20 Love Poems and a Song of Despair - Pablo Neruda
15 Rapture - Carol Ann Duffy
16 The Good Soul of Szechuan - Bertolt Brecht
17 Who's Afraid of Virgimia Woolf - Edward Albee
18 Rumo - Walter Moers
19 Crime - Irvine Welsh
20 The Outsiders -S.E. Hinton
21 Factotum - Charles Bukowski
22 London's Forgotten Children - Gillian Pugh
23 The Slow train to Milan - Lisa St Aubin de Terán
24 The 13 and a half Lives of Captain Bluebear - Walter Moers
25 The Captain's Verses - Pablo Neruda
26 For You A libretto - Ian McEwan
27 Twilight - Stephenie Meyer
28 Prozac Nation - Elizabeth Wurtzel
29 New Moon - Stephenie Meyer
30 Eclipse - Stephenie Meyer
31 Breaking Dawn - Stephenie Meyer
32 Looking For Alaska - John Green
33 Freakonomics - Stephen Dubner & Steven Levitt
34 High Rise - J G Ballard
35 Isle Of Dogs - Daniel Davies
36 Generation X - Douglas Coupland
37 Are You Dave Gorman - Dave Gorman & Danny Wallace
38 Too Black Too Strong - Benjamin Zephiniah
39 Talking Turkeys - Benjamin Zephaniah
40 Propa Propaganda - Benjamin Zephaniah
41 City Psalms - Benjamin Zephaniah
42 Refugee Boy - Benjamin Zephiniah
43 Trainspotting - Irvine Welsh
44 A Boys Own Story - Edmund White
45 Post Office - Charles Bukowski
46 Tales of Beedle The Bard - J.K. Rowling
47 Ham On Rye - Charles Bukowski
48 Love on the Dole - Walter Greenwood

Bands I saw last year

A lot of bands I saw are completely lost to me here are the ones I remember

1 The More Assured x5
2 Lightspeed Champion
3 King Charles
4 The Moulettes
5 Mumford and Sons x2
6 One Flew Over
7 The Genies x2
8 Semi Precious Weapons
9 Missing Andy
10 Pearl
11 Stone Gods
12 Velvet Revolver
13 We Are Scientists
14 Alphabeat
15 Royworld
16 DIOYY
17 George Pringle x2
18 Cut Off You Hands
19 Joanna And The Wolf
20 Olympus Mons
21 The Vivians
22 Censored
23 Fucking Vegas
24 Betty Steeles x2
25 The Rumble Strips
26 Yoav
27 Heartbreak
28 Aynzli Jones
29 Susie Clarke
30 Caimbo
31 New Cassettes
32 Hot Rocket
33 Aidan John Moffat
34 Little B
35 Claire Nicolson
36 Elsa Chapman
37 Imma
38 Grand Union
39 Slaves to Gravity x2
40 Smoke Feathers
41 Freak Flag
42 Jono McCleery
43 Floors & Walls
44 Idle Lovers
45 Martha Wainwright
46 Beth Orton
47 Ed Harcourt
48 Romeo (of The Magic Numbers)
49 Dirty Pretty Things
50 Dusty Rhodes & The River Band
51 Kieran Leonard & The Goodknights
52 Foo Fighters
53 Supergrass
54 The Futureheads
55 Jimmy Paige & John Paul Jones of Led Zeppelin
56 Laura Marling
57 Ed Rome
58 Janet Kay
59 Toots & The Maytals
60 The Wave Pictures
61 Dorp
62 Brigade

63 Twin Atlantic

64 Year Long Disaster
65 Thrice
66 Serj Tankian
67 InMe
68 of Montreal
69 Eugene McGuiness
70 Telison
71 Flobots
72 Funmilayo
73 Jass Meagher
74 Datura
75 The Peryls
76 The Consevatives
77 Aaron Short

Merry Xmas

I feel terrible.

 

I'm consumed by thoughts of crushing nothingness relieving me of the air in my lungs. I can't describe it any other way, I can't carry on this way, something needs to change. I can't be arsed with a lot of the inane nonsense people come out with and I'm beginning to see myself the same way, I don't want to be one of them. I did before when I was jealous of them, now I feel sorry for them. None of this can change the way I feel and I can't see an end to it that isn't a complete disaster.

 

Things should be looking up. I am socialising more and making new friends, I may even be moving home with some friends. I feel neither joy nor dread about this just emptiness. No one knows of course, I lie or make excuses, most people cope better with me this way.

 

I don't have much faith in anything. The music was a source but I can't seem to find the inspiration I used to derive from listening, I'm worried it will vanish completely and I will be lost.

Adultery Dream

He fucked you didn't he, she said to her sister who was sobbing, mascara running freely. I wanted desperately to comfort her, have her head cradled under mine. There was no rage showing on her face after such a wrong delivered against her in fact her face was rather blank considering. I had no idea about her new relationship or what lead to his infidelity, only one thing was bothering me, her sister.

I wasn't sure why I was here to witness this encounter which oddly was taking place on the concourse at Victoria station outside WH Smith next to the escalator to Yo! Sushi, their mother was also present. I'd left this family behind a long time ago and none of this should matter to me.


Through her tears I could see her heart being ripped apart, still such a contrast to her sister's seeming apathy, and I felt mine breaking for her.

The usual midday crowds floated by completely oblivious to what was going on for which I was glad, they were just a blur surrounding the object that consumed all my thoughts and energy. She was crystal clear in my vision, her long black hair surrounding her wet face conveying so much and it seemed directly to me.

Heroin Dream

It was clumsy we tripped and stumbled down my hallway in to the state that is my bedroom. He finds a spot on the floor to cook up while I fall on to the bed and look for something to tie around our arms for pressure and to bring up the veins. He sucks up the liquid a vivid rusty brown through the needle in to the seemingly larger than usual syringe and I sense my own eagerness to inject overwhelm me. I want him as much as the gear but he seems fucked off and says something's not right. Looking around paranoid he stands up and makes to leave, belt still hanging from his arm needle falling from his large rough hands. I leave the gear where it is feeling ridiculously despondent breathing heavily starting to sob.

We Were Radios

Antennae to be precise. We also controlled the volume. The Children and I went to the Barbican to return some tickets and while waiting for the box office to open we took in an exhibition in the Curve gallery by Rafael Lozano-Hemmer called Frequency & Volume it was to show us about censorship and freedom in society the kids loved it and I loved that they could get involved in art though they may not realise it yet. I told them what it was about but they didn't really understand though they will soon, I reckon.

Fishing Trip

A friend and I said to my father that we were going to fish in the Serpentine. When we got there we couldn't fish so we went to the Camden Lock on the Regents Canal and sat for a couple of hours until it got dark and we went home. When I got in my dad said he went up to the Serpentine with some drinks for us and obviously couldn't find us and I felt that I really hurt him especially after he said he walked all the way around the lake even though it is only small.

poem june 08 (2)

(for L)

The dry rattle of the half full washer
mimmicks my nauseating hangover
At least someone's here to help me I thought
Turning for the cool side of the pillow
Memories of the night before shatter
The comfort I was taking in the pain
Solace in the most unconventional
Ways my saviour calls out through the door
Sensing I was awake brings me breakfast
Two Paracetamol and some water
Oh thank you for this one good soul
Thank you.

Drury Lane

Drury Lane, dawn lights my tired steps between
Rival schools I turned my back on the city
Towards the Convent Garden and home to dream
About the trials of the day and my pity
For this, a disappearing community
Hidden from the view of increasing tourists
Battering cobbles past animate statues
To home and the rumour of black death plague pits

Toots

Toots mek me smile, Toots mek me sing
Toots mek riddim come to my feet
Maytal melody flows thru me
The Rude Boys jostle me around
In time I do my reggae march

Heroes

(for T)

There's no Secret Seven nor Famous Five
No Robin Hood, no Band of Merry Men
Just an ever changing circle of friends
And that's all we need, the real life heroes
We see them ev'ryday using their words
To change our worlds with faith and love and trust
Love lies in the hearts and minds of your friends
All you have to do is open your heart
Throw down your arms, embrace experience
Love life forsake the haters' jealousy
It's in your hands just know there are heroes
Guides, real ones, who will help you on your way
So never mind the fairy tales, live life
Make your own adventures
always, always.

Notes on my neoroses

Are we really good for eachother? We're just brokenhearted friends who lean on eachother, are we really strong enough to support eachother. I know if you decided it was over that I would follow you in to "the next great adventure" without second thoughts. The reason neither of us do it is responsibility, at least I think that's why. There is always the suspicion that we deserve the to suffer life and it's nothing to do with our strength. Strength, I struggle to find though you replenish me, it only lasts so long because of my selfishness.

I always get this feeling I need others more than they need me. I'm not talking minuscule amounts but a massive difference in need. There is a girl who I love dearly and she means so much to me but I can't shake that feeling she doesn't need me. She is strong and all I can offer is an ear to listen while she talks, not necessarily telling me anything of consequence, I'm just an outlet. We spoke for nearly an hour and a half the other night she makes all the right sounds even though she doesn't have to. Is it out of a moral sense of what's right or does she really care, she says she does but I'm a fool to my paranoia.

I made a new friend a couple of days ago and paranoia strikes yet again. Is it all a con, we spent most of the evening chatting even arranging to meet again. I get really excited when things like this happen but usually it's ultimately painful and I should stop getting so worked up over things others take for granted.

I fuck most things up relationshipwise because of my neuroses.

poem june 08

(for F)

Your effect on me was immediate
The proverbial breath taken away
Like the first time I saw Lake Windermere
Or the long awaited blissful first kiss
From love long lost to time and memory
Oh so familiar, so comfortable
Yet new, original, fresh and scary
What power from a simple touch or look
Lays me out, cold, crushed almost lachrymal
But now you have to leave I'll miss you and
I will wonder where you went forever

An incomplete catch up

I keep meaning to get on here but don't seem to have the will to do it. I mean I'm forcing myself now because I really need to.

 

I have been really down for a couple of weeks, those who know me can see it under the mask I hate wearing. I don't expect anyone else to see or care either way.

 

Today at work I annoyed the two people I'm closest to constantly. I know they understand but I'm very close to tipping them over the edge and thus killing the friendship that just goes to show how little I really care for myself.

 

I lasted a month not drinking but I don't mind so much, it turns out I'm dependant on it for a social life. I started again at a Halloween party, I really enjoyed myself and was hardly self conscious at all I even dressed in a costume thankfully customised by T and my sister. I met someone I hadn't seen for an age and we arranged to go and see her friend sing at a bar, I forgot I missed her.

 

I have been having a hard time concentrating on anything at all for more than a few minutes at a time, it's like when you have a crush but without an object of affection/desire.

 

I seem to be eating a lot more than usual. The lust for life is slowly ebbing away and I don't appear to be too bothered by this. People who should really understand are telling me to jack it in. Indirectly of course, otherwise that would be tactless.

 

I got my next tattoos but I haven't had a chance to post photos, I got Cole my youngest son on my forearm and a Libertine one on my upper arm like the boys in the band.

 

I went for a walk the other day while really depressed. I walked from the bridge in Mile End, the one which has been turned into a park, all along the canal for 3 or 4 miles to Angel just looking at the other towpath users, it was quite busy for a Sunday mainly joggers and cyclists. Most people think of the canal as ghastly but I think it's beautiful and I'm fascinated by the locks even though they're fairly straight forward I still think they're ingenious. Anyway, every so often I looked in to the water wanting to just throw myself in then I'd laugh at myself because I could see the bottom and I'm a strong swimmer so it would've been moot

 

I don't know what to do with myself now I'm completely fucked up, nothing is making any sense anymore. I spend most of my time alone in my room not being, it's horrible.

 

Must try and be more regular on here it feels a little better to get it all out.

Smells Like Kevin Barnes

Oh yes it does!

 

The show was amazing last night, first gig in ages. Went on me own and just drank coke. I had a really good time dancing like a nutter the only downside was the wait between the bands. The new stuff was really good but I was stuck at the back with the people that aren't that bothered so they weren't getting involved although this was the gig where I saw the most people dancing. And for some reason they have a lot of tall fans, I'm 6 foot 2 and I was having trouble seeing the stage.

 

One of the very few things to put a smile on this face, thank you of Montreal x

 

I have a cunning plan (hmm dubious methinks)

Just finished work and I'm totally Jacob's, my hands are fucked from RSI or CTS or summat. I've been yo-yoing again the lows being much worse than the highs which are kinda just level I suppose.

 

I was at a my friend's son's birthday party and this blanket of fear and pressure enveloped me close to paralysis, I was so scared but I knew I had to stay for the kids even though my sister was there and would've understood, the urge to escape was so powerful even though I could hardly move, it was horrible I haven't felt that bad in a long time and never with the kids, thinking about it makes me nervous even now.

 

I went out to eat with a friend the other day and had a really good time but I was plastered (it were half way though a 12 hour bender) I was off the next day so that was OK.

 

Speaking of drinking, I have decided to give it a rest for a while (again) but this time I have a plan and my geeky love of numbers on my side.

 

Part 1: The Numbers

 

I quit on the last of September which makes it really easy to chart my progress (15 days so far). I like to count and I know it's not much but it keeps me happy, occupied and sober where's the harm :)

 

Part 2: The Friends

 

Now, here there are a few variables the biggest of which is that they don't really know yet. What I intend to do is ask my friends for one or two nights a month where we can go out or just chill at home not drinking (they can drink), sometimes just the two of us and sometimes a few more people. I have four friends who I can ask to do this which works out to at least one social night a week. I'm sure they'll all agree, I went out with one friend on Saturday and we went to a restaurant and for a walk in the park, it was peaceful and relaxing but exciting at the same time because I am still paranoid about people not showing up or cancelling for a made up reason but she came and it was more relief than joy at first though that changed later.

 

Part 3: The Pay-off

 

I'm not really motivated by money, as long as the bills are paid I'm fine. This was just going to be a month long experiment at first and I would see how much I saved not drinking (I spent a monkey over a three day bender) but since I'm extending this little experiment I'll be ables to see if I'm just spending the cash on summat else (my other vices are books and music oh and food, I eat far too much). I don't have a specific end date for this maybe it'll just go on and on.

 

Like I said earlier I'm 15 days to the good and feeling a little on the confident side of things, this is partly due to a new friend I've made at work (the one I went to eat and the park with above). She is marvelous and has helped me so much in such a short space of time. I'm really happy I've met her and hope our relationship grows even more.

Back to... Men in... Roger...

Black. Black. Black.

 

My mood's not shifting. It's worse at night, trapped in my room feeling lost and claustrophobic and I need the lights on now. It actually hurts so much that I can't breathe. It's quite scary. There are people but I feel so alone. I put my game face on and most people don't know or notice or care. I can't see beyond the pain. I don't know where to go from here. Switching to auto-pilot.

damnation lamentation

 Just checking in really, not much to report. I think that's what happens once you hit 30, there's a steep decline in life type things seriously not much is happening .... long pause ... more silence .... tumbleweeds etc etc.

 

Trying to organise trendy Hoxtony drinks next Saturday but will probably go pear shaped cause everyone who is going lives far away and thus will want to leave early, the flat will be too packed with bods that weekend to let anyone stay (unless they're hot ;)) otherwise it coulda been fun. I'll see if we can at least fit a gig in to the night too.

 

I need to get me some art on! Not been since the Summer and am itching to go, I really enjoyed the National Portrait Gallery so will start there plus it's free so you know, yay.

 

Anyway back to  the grindstone.

blop

OK, I'm still alive, I think (therefore I am blah blah blah nonsense).  Got completely wasted on Saturday like I said I would and spent the next day in bed not being. I don't think I'll be doing that again anytime soon (that was a lie, of course I'm going to do it again soon).

 

Someone told I weren't their type the other day but they didn't mean physically which was refreshing. They said I was soft as opposed to someone they could fight with, I'm passed fighting so wasn't offended but did feel the slight twinge of rejection even though I wasn't asking if you know what I mean.

 

I'm thinking of asking someone out but they live really far away. I think she is very attractive and has a warm personality but wonder if it's worth losing the fledgling friendship when she will inevitably say no. I'm not "in love" so there's less emotional investment at stake so when she says no it will hurt less, even though I haven't decided on doing it yet. Reading back I'm most definitely insane la la la.

 

More craziness coming this way very soon!!!

 

Saturday night's alright for fighting

I don't mind working on Saturdays generally but today I feel fucked. Got roughly 2 hours kip last night, mainly because I can't stop my racing mind and partly because I just started watching Prison Break Season 1, oh the joys of insomnia and good drama!

 

Gonna have a drink after work, a leaving do, not drank for 10 days so will be pished very quickly. Don't really wanna go but needs must and so on.

 

All the trains were fucked this morning which was fun. anyway time to do some work

 

 

 

 

Fucked, forlorn

I thought I was coming close to something only for my psyche to plunge me back in to the mire that is my depression

It just is

When she says it, it is not an order it is just a fact. One of the few things I believe

 

It feels like the last light and one that is fading from me, like running down a hall where the last door is always the same distance from you no matter what you do

 

She saw the doors open and believed what she saw inside laid bare in front of her

 

I wonder if she will help me, I've put her on a pedestal

 

I hope I don't fuck it up

Pushing through the market square

The pressure is creeping back, pushing in to my chest and head. I wonder if I'm welcoming the familiar feeling, enjoying it in a perverse way. It seems such a ridiculous thing to imagine but maybe there is a grain of truth, better the devil you know and all that. Being happy seems like hard work or maybe I'm making it hard for myself. As previously discussed I don't believe I deserve it, check me out retreading old ground though I have to because I still haven't found the answer. Funnily enough the more avenues I close the further I feel from finding the truth, trial and error is clearly not working and I feel like a stuck record.


I should really concentrate on the good things in my life the few friends and family who will always be there to put up with my foolishness. Seriously self deprecation is an art and I've been practising for a good decade at least, defense/coping mechanism I know but is it any worse than pretending to be confident or happy, I'm not fooling myself.


Sorry this all sounds disjointed just freestyling as it were.




It's been one week since I drank, not a great achievement just a fact. I've been reading a lot and have about seven books on the go at the same time that goes to show the state of my concentration levels.




I haven't seen my best friend in about ten days and the longer I go with out contact the more my mind plays tricks on me, that's optimism right there (as opposed to the possible truth she doesn't care), we don't have the sort of relationship where we call each other every five minutes but when I see her it feels intense all the same. I miss her and I worry about the pressure I put on her to sustain me despite reassurances that it's all good.




Blood, when you hear the sirens coming

~
Better run when you hear the sirens coming


They epitomise the irrational fears that plague my being. along with the pneumatic drills and the cries from Big Issue sellers they make me wanna hide or go deaf or scream in to my pillow.



Sometimes I feel like we've reached those dystopian societies they talk about in all those books I've been reading and I wish for simpler times so far gone I can barely remember them.



In that song Five Years by Bowie I always think of Bigg market in Newcastle. I don't know why, I've only been there once. It was for my stag do a few years ago (can't remember which as all the years are blending in to the mulch that is my memory) the market square was where everybody congregated after clubbing to buy hot dogs or catch taxis. I only really see it through a haze of alcohol. I didn't drink a lot but was very nervous and a rash developed which entirely covered the backs of my legs from ankle to groin I was vivid red (took a photo but wifey destroyed it for reasons known only to her). I enjoyed my stag do more than I thought I would and I regret not letting the boys have there fun, They all dived in to my room at god knows what time and covered my face in black marker and tried to give me an enema with a fire extinguisher, they wanted to strip me and send me down in the lift to the lobby but I managed to escape and emptied a fire extinguisher over one of my mates. I had to sleep in the bath because my mattress was soaked as was the carpet, I don't think they'll let us back anytime soon.



I wasn't nervous the day I got married, I suppose I should've taken that as a sign it would all come crashing down. Nerves are natural and I think they mean things are right.



I made an admission the other day, it went the way I thought it would but that didn't stop me fretting for weeks over something so trivial. I had a dream/daydream (was 'tween sleeping and waking at the time which made it all the more surreal) where I kissed my friend at work, I sat upright in a cold sweat thinking no no way. She's attractive but I don't see her that way or anyone else for that matter (which has been cause for concern on it's own). She understood and we're still all good but I'm still curious as to where the thought even came from.



I read a book about dogging the other day and the protagonist came up with an interesting philosophy about being post ambitious and in some respects I like it and see myself in the same position just on a lower scale (he was in a high powered job and left to work in the civil service). I don't feel the need for lots of money or prestigious job titles, I feel past it and the more I accept that the more content I become. so who knows maybe this is the way forward, bar the dogging obviously.

Five years!

Bowie spun round and round. His voice pulsing through the room as the poison pulsed through my damaged, failing body. The beat kept me focused on nothing but the music. The rise and fall of Ziggy Stardust and of my chest. My lungs gasping for air through lips mouthing his words. Words I'd mouthed many times before. I was in love with the music my faithful mistress fucking for forty minutes. My heart raced but I was still, fighting the urge to bounce off the walls. My senses felt heightened like i was hyper-aware, even though it was dark all the furniture scattered around the room was in sharp focus, the sheets on my bed felt crisp to touch and the spiders from mars were crystal clear. I felt calmer when we got to Suffragette City and I was ready to commit Rock and Roll Suicide.

I was neither high nor low just still, wondering about the equilibrium and precarious a fulcrum it was balanced on.

My mind drifted to the back streets of Clerkenwell on a mild Sunday morning where I felt at peace. My back to St Paul's, I took in the architecture, the skyline created and then turned my head to study the flagstone and tarmac and everything else that made up the surface I pounded. The same as every other street in London but the cracked and broken flags and the yellow lines felt more real here like they'd been trodden upon by those more deserving of life. They left a permanent invisible mark which I'd accidentally stumbled across. It fascinated me no end. I would sit on the curb and breathe it all in trying to suck up the remnants of deserved lives maybe hoping I deserved to live too.

3030303030303030

I didn't think I'd feel so affected by this milestone and nothing more. Is it my middle age? midlife crisis? fear of an unknown era? all three? who knows? I just want to lose myself in my twenties and maybe never return , played darts today and kicked everybodies arse, wonders if the fun will cease with the new era?

Rationally there is no need to worry and generally I'm laid back so it's against the flow for me to worry.

Keep dreaming of Bella and co, it's absolutely fucking bizarre. I've nearly finished Eclipse and I keep dreaming of a vampire Bella who doesn't crave blood and fits right in with the stat quo.

Feeling rather shitty in general but sure I will get over it and last into my thirties some way at least.

Roll on adulthood I assume

Well, Happy Birthday to me &c

2929292929292929292929

I wasn't bothered before, about turning 30, but now it seems to be bearing down on me. I suppose maybe I'm just anxious to get it over with. To mark "the end of an era" as it where there will be a gathering I'm not particularly looking forward to. I don't do too great with more than one or two people at a time and there is plenty of scope for disaster in fact I'm a serious flight risk. One of the few people I wanted to see won't be there which makes me sad. This is the last landmark birthday for a long time so maybe the greater emphasis is cause for greater anxiety.

Been listening to a lot of CDs recently. Martha Wainwright, Norah Jones, Robert Plant & Alison Krauss, Biggie & 2pac and so on. While reading the Twilight books wondering or wishing for a Cullen to turn me eternally twenty nine.

Work keeps throwing up a few surprises, making firmer friendships which I'd kinda given up on attempting to start really.

Will try to post before the end.

so long

Books this year update

I read a few plays and poetry as a bit of a cheat they are not in any particular order:

1 20 Fragments of a Raveous Youth - Xiaolu Guo. 20 chapter translation of a girl who goes to Beijing to find her fortune.

2 A Concise Chinese-English Dictionary For Lovers - Xiaolu Guo. Written as if the author is learning English getting better as the novel progresses, nice thoughts on what it must be like to live in an entirely new place not knowing the language, was built on a bit of a shoddy premise though.

3 Pygmalion - George Bernard Shaw. A lot more harsh than the musical adaptation.

4 The City of Dreaming Books - Walter Moers. A fabulous world of literary dinosaurs and strange one eyed cave dwellers intent on learning a particular authors complete works, great adventure.

5 Breakfast at Tiffany's - Truman Capote.

6 Look We Have Coming to Dover! - Daljit Nagra. Good poetry mainly about being Asian in Britain and getting on with life

7 The Colossus - Sylvia Plath. Very dark but I identified with what I could understand.

8 By Grand Central Station I Sat Down and Wept - Elizabeth Smart. Beautiful poetic prose about an affair and what it meant to the author very depressing at times, she wanted to en her life an awful lot, I sympathised greatly.

9 On Chesil Beach - Ian McEwan. The story of the wedding night and each partners anxieties of what was about to happen, set in an odd time I thought 1962 seemingly between eras, probably just me.

10 Atonement - Ian McEwan. Beautifully written story of two sisters and a young man who's' life was changed by the juvenile jealousy of the younger sister.

11 The Bedroom Secrets of the Master Chefs - Irvine Welsh. Two opposite men one super confident the other shy and geeky end up swapping bodies trying to ruin eachothers lives

12 If You Liked School You'll Love Work - Irvine Welsh

13 Come On In: New Poems - Charles Bukowski. My first exposure to Bukowski, was very impressed with the realism and flow of the work

14 20 Love Poems and a Song of Despair - Pablo Neruda. Bought for the song of despair, but that's just me. Very simple so easy to translate and even so very evocative of the feelings of love.

15 Rapture - Carol Ann Duffy. Beautiful collection by Duffy also very simple and evocative.

16 The Good Soul of Szechuan - Bertolt Brecht

17 Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf - Edward Albee. Didn't get a lot of the dark humour or the older couples relationship at first, grasped it towards the end though, very good.

18 Rumo - Walter Moers. Adventure about a dog cum deer trying to find then save his love and find his place in the world.

19 Crime - Irvine Welsh. Great book about a cop on holiday in Florida who comes across these guys attempting to kidnap a kid to abuse her. all this after cracking a similar case back home.

20 The Outsiders -S.E. Hinton. Amazing, wish I'd read it as a teen

21 The Vortex - Noel Coward*

22 London's Forgotten Children - Gillian Pugh*

23 The Slow train to Milan - Lisa St Aubin de Terán. Still don't know why this book is so good but is a great escape. About a girl who runs off with these guys all over Italy and France just seemingly going with the flow.

24 The 13 and a half Lives of Captain Bluebear - Walter Moers. Another great Moers Fantasy in which a blue bear writes his demi-autobiography some great adventures.

25 The Captain's Verses - Pablo Neruda. More great poetry from Neruda, published anonymously for a few years before deciding to put his name to it all about the same girl I think.

26 For You A libretto - Ian McEwan

27 Twilight - Stephenie Meyer

28 Prozac Nation - Elizabeth Wurtzel. Stopped reading halfway through as I empathised way too much with Elizabeth. Finished eventually was glad of a brighter ending.

29 New Moon - Stephenie Meyer*

*reading at the mo.

Twilight

I just finished reading Twilight and I really loved the way it was written. I could have imagined reading it as a teenager but then again I was a twat when I was a teenager and probably wouldn't have got it. It's a very easy read a real page turner, I read slowly and had it read in a day and a half. The prose provokes memories of feelings I had long ago and I could really identify with Bella being hopelessly in love with Edward and all the anxieties that go with it to the point where I was beginning to become attracted to Edward, that's how well I thought she wrote. I also really loved the fresh perspective on vampires thinking it might just be a Buffy rip off, it was nothing of the sort. It was just the bit of escapism I needed right now. Thanks Nicole for recommending these books I'm looking forward to seeing what happens next.

Back to the real world! My friend was in Hospital recently, she's OK now but I was really worried at the time. After I'd seen her and realised she was good I went out and got extremely plastered all over Camden Town and don't really remember anything apart from an empty wallet and a guilty feeling. I can't fathom why I'm so stupid. I know I am still in my self destructive mode but there are better ways I'm sure. I've damaged my body so much recently I'm surprised I haven't fallen to pieces physically, mentally it's a different story, I have good days but they are generally marred by that omnipresent shadow.

They tell me they love me but I can't ever believe them (I know I've said it before but it's still true). I can't figure out the key to accepting this love, I feel like a cunt to be pretty much throwing it back in their faces. They say it's not my fault and I know I'd be worse without them.

...

The Cunts Inbetween

We were chatting and came up with a third type of person, one that separates the good from eachother. Women and Men who take advantage of the fact we care and they don't and go about ruining your life be any means violent physically, psychologically and emotionally. I have scars mainly invisible unless the implicitly trusted few probe with the right words. I don't feel trusted for some reason, I digress.

Because of people like this I don't feel that I can enter in to any kind of relationship other than friendship. I made friends with someone a while back and maybe before I would have fallen for her but I haven't, we're great friends now and I love her unreservedly, she got me through a few rough times.

Apart from people I've lost contact with I can count true friends on one hand and I suppose that's the way it should be.

"But it's like we weren't made for this world (Though I wouldn't really want to meet someone who was)"

Sometimes I feel jealous even of these people who harbour so much hate they can treat people that way, they are the people who were made for this world and me and my best friend weren't maybe that's why the urge to leave it is so strong in us.

I'm also envious of people with faith of any kind, I just don't believe in anything anymore.

"If you've lost your faith in love and music then the end won't be long"

I want to have faith even if it's only in something small.

Is it better to have loved and lost. I don't know if I have loved. I can't believe I loved my ex but I do love my best friends and if one of them disappeared I know I would grow more faint at the very least, I don't see any way back.

what is feelings

I feel awful. Do you know when you have a fake smile on all day and your mouth hurts at the end well that's how my body and mind feel right now after putting on the fakery to get me through work with out tearing someones head off or my own.

Everyone has gone home now so I can relax but something's got my back up and I can't quite put my finger on it.

I had a great long chat with my best friend the other day and there were tears and truths and hugs but not much hope. I'm in a bad place (this is a blog about me so I won't go in to their issues, in case it looks a bit selfish I do actually care for them a great deal more than i do anything else) and even with the reassuring words of my true friends I can't claw my way out I'm wondering whether or not I can be saved or even if I deserve to be.

I can't get to grips with simple concepts like good and bad or right and wrong or faith recently damned philosophy. So I can't put myself in to a category if I refuse to believe in them. I know I'm not making myself clear but I need to write.

I've noticed I haven't cried much recently bar the above. I don't know how to feel about that, I've wanted to but nothing maybe I've used up my quota who knows.

I'm reaching out I suppose but for what I have no idea.

As usual there is more but alas they are probably lost to the mists of time and memory.

That dread feeling is worse than ever

I don't know what to do about it. I'm too close for comfort.I deserve it. I can't explain why like I can't explain how planes stay in the air I just know they do and I do.

The weakend

The weekend though not exactly lost was spent lazily reading The Slow Train to Milan and drinking vodka and beer. I can't review a book to save my life so I won't. I'll just say I couldn't put it down.

There is someone I love and they did something that made me love them more it was only a small thing but I don't even think they realise I love them, I don't mind for the moment. My head is so full of fucked up-ness telling them would come out wrong and ruin a perfectly good relationship as it stands. I suppose some things are better left unsaid, most of these things are floating around in my head somewhere and as such am quiet to the point of arrogance in some people's eyes. I'm just naturally quiet, someone put a great spin on it: I'm a person person not a people person, one on one's suit me fine I can give my full attention and receive it in kind, everything for me tends to come out "deep" when others can just have a lightness of touch as it were.

I'm back in my mire as you can probably tell nothing changed to put me there it just happened as I knew it would.

I used to want to resort to violence but it was never really me. I keep thinking about the easy way out but know I will never take it instead I just live recklessly destroying organs trying to forget it all.

One positive thing, I have an anchor however unstable it keeps me moored but I fear it's tenuous links crumbling no matter how much I help. The water is too deep to know what the anchor is anchored to.

Lost, Season 29 finale

Today I feel lost.

 

I've come in to work to do overtime and am currently an hour early sitting here listening to Beethoven's 9th wondering what the rest of the day will bring. I'm thinking too much it won't stop, it's like my mind has a mind of its own. I seem to be spending an inordinate amount of time on auto-pilot, going through the motions for whose benefit, not mine. Look at me I'm a shell protecting what's inside or maybe just hiding it from those who could help. I wear my heart on my sleeve but hardly anyone is let in. I think I'm reasonably candid about myself but there is so much most of you don't know, I'm getting too good at keeping it all in, I can divert or digress and throw you off course if I want to. Some people like to play games so I play along giving an image they want to see and let them think they are right about me. Some people think I'm an idiot and I let them but only I know I'm a fool.

 

When the people I love and trust want to help me I'm a trifle stifled (to understate in a slightly humorous way), I just can't get the words out. I will see such a person today and I know I won't say anything to her, I will make jokes and be a real boy to hide my plastic heart.

 

Have to go the rest of the world is coming.

 

Season 30 coming August 20 watch out for teasers

exist

I don't really know what to say I just wanted to post so I thought I'd make it up as I go along which is what I do any way... ah here goes then

 

I'm not sure what to do with myself. I'm tired, lonely, depressed and a whole load of other things I can't be bothered to list.  People tell me or love me. I don't believe them, I don't believe in anything especially myself. I have a lower opinion of myself than I do of anyone else good or bad. I suppose I could just do it but it would be a front something fake that would please everyone but me.

 

I'm just wrong

Certifiable?

I'll analyze and debate with myself till the subject bears no meaning like saying a word over and over again. I can't help it, it's like an obsession, a compulsion gnawing at me till I can't take it anymore.

If I didn't know I was insane I think I'd be insane.

Woke up this morning feeling fine...

...then work happened. I got shouted at for being late when I was 15 early, apparently the shift was changed the before and I wasn't in. I really don't appreciate it when I have to defend myself for things like that. I spent my entire school life being made to doubt what I knew to be true by students as well as teachers. Have been trying to calm myself since when someone tells me there are rumours flying about which involve me, I don't like rumours or gossip at the best of times but it's worse when it's about you. And then there are the people who are just lying to you.aaaargh!

 

I am beginning to feel bitter, twisted and paranoid and the only one it hurts is me.So why do I put myself through it and not just let things be as they are???

 

The worry and panic are making me feel drowsy now and I still have 4 more hours to go until I can leave this hell, I hope I can make it without further incident.

While I've been away

Sometimes at the place where I work there are people who think that if they are loud enough it will make them right, it's quite hard to work with these people.

-

I took four kids out for a day, that's right FOUR, that was hard but fun and really rewarding. We saw Kung Fu Panda in the Imax at the BFI and we watched the chaps on skateboards and BMXs on the Southbank then we went to Lincoln's Inn Fields to play frisbee and pick Daisies and there was this middle aged guy talking loudly on his phone about how these kids had just come in to the park being noisy and ruining his sunbathing experience which bothered me a lot. Then I took everybody home and then went to a mate's house to have a few cans watch a bit of Glasto (Jigga was the nuts covering Wonderwall as was Mark Ronson in all his awkward handsomeness) and chat the night away eventually getting home at 6am and gagging for my bed.

-

Went to a BBQ after work on a Friday and met some lovely people and drank some lovely Punch and ended up going straight to work on Saturday after a quick change of clothes.

-

Enjoyed the Black Kids' Partie Traumatic vinyl and listened to The Pogues' Rum, Sodomy and the Lash and Bowie's Ziggy Stardust a helluva lot.

-

I spent roughly two weeks not in a desperate mire of depression which was a strange feeling in itself, I can still feel it just over the horizon though.

-

Finished a couple of books (Rumo by Water Moers, The Good Soul of Szechuan by Bertolt Brecht and Albee's Who's afraid of Virginia Woolf) and started one more (The Outsiders By S.E. Hinton) which means I'm roughly two fifths of the way through the fifty as for the 100 bands in a year I've seen 61 different bands I can remember the name of and about ten I can't.

-

Healthwise: generally well but for a few spells of dizziness, light-headedness and fainting

-

There's a girl at work whom I love to compliment but I think she thinks I'm trying to get in her pants which I'm not. My best friend at work whose name is Nicole keeps on surprising me and is forever appreciated.

-

All in all life has been the usual rollercoaster of thrills, spills and nonsense and now I feel better for this release. and hopefully the next time is a while lot sooner than this one.

Cheeriebye

That was the week that was

Not been around much lately. Went to Wembley to see Foo Fighters with a couple of chaps from work and it was awesome! The awesomest part was when half of Led Zep came out for the encore, I've never been shocked like that in, well, forever really. Been a bit sick as well spent a large amount of time horizontal. Coming home from the gig someone shouted at me out of a car, (cunt, wanker faggot something along those lines, I had my earphones in but not on) It made me feel really woozy and off balance. I walked on wondering about the that night in Highgate and why people do those things. I found it quite upsetting. I'm 29 and over six foot it shouldn't have shaken me but it did.

My friend invited me out the other day and normally I'd decline but this time I went for it and I'm glad I did, I made a few new friends about whom I'll tell you more later.

I've also had a really cool and dangerous blog idea, again more later.

And if perchance

(for Matt)

 

And if perchance you're there, I'll smile and say:

Giggity giggity giggity goo.

I'm sooooooo tired

Only had about 4 hours sleep after a heavy night on the drink. 'twas worth it though because I made a new friend (go go gadget confidence) not really,she came to me cause I was being quiet and we chatted for ages. I hope I see her again soon.

 

I'm at work, on me break right now thinking of dadum dadum dadum dadum dadum and what to replace them with.

Less is NOT more

t'internet is down at home at the mo so all I can do is email to blogger at work. It's the only thing I can do there so, I'm Facebookless, Last.fmless myspaceless and lots of other sitesless

 

I'm tearing my hair out going cold turkey on the social networking, I need to go see my sis so I can use hers.

Optimistic, moi?

I've actually been able to take my mind off things at work today. It was busy and there were no bosses to harass and harangue us. I had a good chat with a friend and feel much better for it.

 

Now if I can just shake that shadow, things might just be looking up.

Abyssal, moi?

Last night I couldn't feel anything, I was empty.I know there was pain though, I just couldn't grasp it. I! I! I! I! There was something I couldn't quite remember although nothing could be so important for me to be necessary.

 

I still can't accept I'm needed.

 

I need, but what?

O for the weekend

I'm at work and fucked off with it. Only 2 more hours to go then 2 more days of the same. Ideas that normally flow through my mind are stunted here, inspiration has left the building. I'll be too tired to do anything when I get home aswell.

 

Too Much

Too soon?

I feel so...

...impotent right now!

 

I'm stuck here when I need to be with a friend. I wish I could just jack it all in and go to them and forget the world.

 

I will, one day.

Please

Stop keeping count because one is too many

...

I think I'm reasonably intellegent.

So, I'm at work and you're palming me off and I'll accept it.

Here is what goes on in my head while the above happens:

Do you really believe I don't get what you are doing to me, I think it's rather cheeky to be honest with you. I'ma accept it though because it's clearly not worth it if you think I'm a fool. I wonder why you can't just be straight weith me.

This may or may not be the case but like I said before I'm reasonably intellegent, I can read people, not well, but when it's obvious. My problem is this, Do I continue wanting to be with these people or do I cut them out and just be civil at work.

I don't trust myself to be right and therefore these people get the benefit of the doubt to let me down over and over again.

I was told I have a certain arrogance (more than once, twice infact so until someone else says it I'm treating it as a line as opposed to a patern and hence possibly true) which got me thinking what is it I do that would make people think that. Sometimes I think someone isn't particularly bright at certain things and I'll take for granted this means they are not clever at anything. Sometimes I won't talk to you or ignore you if we've just met, this can last for months but it really is only my shyness. Sometimes I'll be in a room of friends and I'll just leave after not joining in the conversastion and I wonder should I make an effort to talk about something I'm not interested in or understand, again I do find it hard to enter in to a conversation and feel what I have to say is not worth saying and it is hard to work up the courage to do so.

I suppose this is all part of the whole "letting things be" thing.

ah the mysteries.

The Dogs

prologue (16 hours)

Drury Lane.
Not the best place to begin
a Bukowski inspired piece.
anyway
My arms, aching from carrying the booze
hung limply by my sides when you appeared.
I thought nothing
just took a beer from the box
and recovered from the stair climb.

The night wore on
friends came and went,
we became friends and went
on until the morning.

I was intimidated
even though you quoted Keats
and treated me like
you knew me forever

It was time to go
and you were busy
singing the song of sleep
and I made do with memories.

-

The track, after a sweaty tube ride
I rode with your lover, my hero.

It felt good to be back
in the fold of friends
old and new.
I was tired though
and all I could manage was
to exchange coy smiles.

I got a beer and struggled with the form
It had been a while after all.

There were couples and I felt nothing
It's not what I'm after, after all
betting slips gathered around my feet
where I sat
on the floor of the grandstand

After you'd gone, I wondered
about your intellect
and my own naivety.

-

Epilogue (the real prologue)

I'm looking forwards to adventures
with new friends
who may even stick around this time

I'll take another beer
and make a toast:
3 syllables for 3 syllables and
cementing future friendships.

What is wrong with me?

really, if you know drop us a line.

On a lighter note

The Dirty Pretty Things gig was sensational. I was right up the front bar one getting crushed with the best of them basking in the glow of that beautiful band. I nearly lost my glasses on several occasions but it really worth it. I helped a girl up to crowd surf which was strangely satisfying. At the end Carl dived on top of us and I had his hand in mine. I felt euphoric, like I could die happy.



There was also a funny fight over a towel thrown from the stage between two fellas which was reasonably amusing just for its shear longevity.

-

(a minor segue from T)

A man without a voice yet his actions scream louder than words could. Someone I could............ still can let myself drop and know will catch me. No confidence yet more beauty than you could meet over a life time. Lucky to know. Yet doesn't know. Needs me????????????? Has no clue to how much is needed. I'm lucky.... so so lucky. Won't forget. Well try not to forget with everything I have. SO from here now FUN. Joy with my friends. Hope for the more memories like the ones we have shared. YET seem to forget. Positive. Support. Hope. and whether good or bad more memories together. So till then lets NOT hold our breath xxxxxxxx

-

O what friends! for minor read major in more ways than one and also the question marks are completely unnecessary.

-

In short Amazing gig and apparently amazing friends, who knew.

Square Triangle Cicle, Cross

Not as rigid as triangles and you can fit more things in to squares. I am a square, I have four sides and also an inside and outside. Four sides have never ending pressure, the other two are valves. There's a complex set of mechanisms that work me. I still can't figure them all out. Which means the pressure builds to an insurmountable conclusion and the square is now rubble.

There is nothing in the rubble, no survivors, no dead, not even memories. Just the mortar of a life not worth living. I wonder weather people scour the rubble in search of pieces of me. And then I scold myself for being that optimistic.

I can feel myself spiralling, freefalling beyond the rubble. Down, down through the earth and inner space to nothingness, well nothing other than pain and suffering. Ah home, sweet home.

Maybe I should be a circle, just a valve letting everything just silently pass through me, uninvolvement.

To be...

So I've been reasonably happy for the last few days and it feels, well, odd frankly. To be honest other people have far more problems than I do and I know I should concentrate on myself before everyone else but I can feel the depression looming just in the corners of my mind. It would be so easy to let it flood over me and just go under and be somewhere more familiar. So, what to do? I don't feel I deserve happiness and therefore I am on a collision course with my old world and I'm happy enough being kamikaze. Treading the water and just to sink into the murky waters of depression feels like the right thing to do no matter how unhealthy. Dying would be to easy for me and would leave far to much problems for those I leave behind. I need to suffer this alone. I need to take it all in, let it consume me until I'm barely recognisable as human. I still don't understand what it is to be human. To be good or bad, happy or down, right or wrong. I want to let go and leave it to someone else to pick up the pieces but I need to do it alone no one can solve me. Save me. I am my own salvation but am too ridiculous to help myself. Soory about the long rant but it's better off my chest, I think.


Hmmm!!!

Carl Barat's sweat smells really, really nice

Seriously, you don't understand how good it was.

That's all.

The Rain

(for T & F)

The unnecessary confirmation
Came from the positive confrontation
of two. I could never accept, never
believe. My esteem would never let me.
But there it was, on either side of me.
Expressions of truth, trust and confessions.
My silence spoke cliched volumes as your
reassurances dried my dampened eyes.

With plans and promises we said goodbye.
My faith, hope, trust and love restored somewhat.
The next day I woke up happy, refreshed
ready to face the world and it's weather.

Here is another crap poem

I'm halfway through seeing 100 bands this year but am nowhere near reading 50 books. The way things are going I'll probably only read 25 and I'm cheating by reading plays and poetry.

-

Love from Ariel

This picture perfect pair were a Monet
And for what reasons I could never say
They were idols of the way things should be
In love and the pursuit of happiness

I was never close enough to their hearts
Or close enough to see their painful tears
I stood back, kept my impression of them
Intact for the sake of my delusion

The birds of rumour circled their remains
swooping down to feed on romantic loss
This is what I saw, this is how I knew
Of the demise of the perfect picture

I know you're married but...

Martha Wainwright at The Royal Festival Hall was the absolute nuts!

Opening with a few tracks from the new album and then introducing Ed Harcourt and his missus and Romeo from The Magic Numbers they did great renditions of Lachrymosity and I See You, I See Me. then a couple of tracks from her first album and an interval. After the break she had two more guests namely Beth Orton who dueted on Floyd's See Emily Play which was stunning and Schlomo who makes funny noises in his mouth got a massive round of applause after their track.

The concert was two and a half hours long including the interval of twenty minutes and with all the special guests made it a wonderful experience I'll never forget.

I need a fix 'cause I'm going down

Decrepit ruins of lives destroyed by lies

False declarations in conversations

Wasted hope, wasted fear, wasted love

For life gone but not forgotten

Wand'ring through this lonely life

There's no one left but me

It's my own doing

It's my own fault

It's over

Finished

Gone

The Divine Comedy

I've just started reading it and it is fairly easy to read so far. I haven't bothered with the introduction or the notes but will probably look at them once I've finished.

I promised myself I'd take it easy today and so far so good. I think I may even break out the vinyl later and lie in my darkened room letting the sounds surround me.

My main goal for when I get a day off from now on will be to not think of anything remotely connected to work because that is what generally gets me cross. Oh, and that age old resolution about having fewer regrets. Life is short etc.

At the moment I'm neither happy nor sad, excited or down. I just am and it's odd that I've noticed, at least this early, normally it's oh I'm being and I return to the world of worry and excuses and general "apartness" from real life.


Also I want to get involved in charity, well more than giving a few bob to people collecting and so on. Maybe some time in a shop, summat along those lines.


A friend of mine gives blood fairly regularly and I think I should start doing the same if my blood's acceptable.

It's not to be good or because it's the right thing to do I just think it's something I should do, which I'm still really not sure of, oh well.

Back to life, I suppose.

The Less Assured

'twas a bit shitty weather wise today so the kids and I just watched the first two Harry Potter pictures and went to their aunties and made chocolate cornflake cake type things.

Once I'd dropped them home I read a fair bit of Plath's The Colossus on my journey back. I'm finding it quite difficult but am enjoying it nonetheless.

I've been out drinking a couple of times recently but it wasn't very enjoyable and the mornings after even less so. So I am just going to go back to not drinking at all.

I should be getting my second tattoo and possibly third very soon and am really looking forward to it.

Now I'm going to try and relax for the rest of the weekend

Waiting for the beat to kick in

There's a line in a song that says why can't you decide to be in a good mood and then just be in a good mood. I really wish I could be that way but I just can't bring myself to do it. It's like that trick to confidence by pretending to be confident.


It's just not me.

giggle

The ticket has been found.

Serj Tankian is back on, COME ON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You have 1 new message

I'm out with my mates
soz hun ill b a bit l8
It's my round boys
what'll it be

Where's my baby
I've been waiting ages
dont b lng luv u xx
I'll just finish this rosé

These Tequilas are going down a treat
Barmaid's well tasty
babes bin eld up b back soon k
Alright love, what's your name then?

He's always doing this
'Enders is boring let me call him
can't reach him maybe he's on the tube
call me when u get this xx
Or maybe he's with his mates

Her name is Tracey
she's finished her shift
and knows an after hours club
Ran into an old friend gonna have a quik 1
dont wori stop txin
Tracey takes my hand and leads me out

He's lying, I know it
Mascara on my cheeks now
have ur drink u bstrd
dnt com bk
where's the Bacardi

Fucking bitch
what, no not you.
pls dnt b like dat i luv u u no
I get some cocktails for us
but Tracey's gone when I get back

Never should've taken him back
More trouble than he's worth
but I love him
im sori pls com home ill w8 up x
why am I doing this to myself

I don't know where I am
I think I drank too much
At least the silly bitch still loves me
on way back baby, home soon yeah
Now where's the bus stop

It's light outside now
I've sent him loads of texts
There's a police cordon on
the breakfast news
despite myself I smile

Another Snag...

I went to a barbecue on Saturday night. I always get to these things too early so I went to the Trolley Stop for a couple and wandered around the junction passing some of the most beautiful smells coming out of a Caribbean takeaway I wished I wasn't going to eat later so I could try some. The queue was out the door anyway so I headed for the barbecue stopping off to buy a bottle of Wray & Nephew. The building where the hosts live was stunning especially for the part of town and the views from the terrace were sublime the best of which was the orange/red sunset over west London.

I saw a few people I hadn't seen since last year and discussed, amongst other things, depression, children, changing London, relationships. I started off in a fairly breezy mood which steadily turned darker, not that anyone noticed, it's all about keeping up appearances.

Ended up back at home at about 4am and fell asleep roughly 90 minutes later and drifted in and out until I got up at 11am. I haven't really left my room since except to brush my teeth and use the w.c..

-

In other news I have lost my ticket for Serj Tankian and I'm really cross because I can't really afford to lose it or buy another.


These are my upcoming gigs:


The More Assured on the 14th May
Martha Wainwright on the 19th
Dirty Pretty Things on the 27th
Foo Fighters on the 7th June
Toots & The Maytals on the 18th

I'd imagine a few more inbetween.

I care because you do

So I was halfway between dreams and reality around 4:30 in the morning when I decided it would be a good idea to play an album I'd just got. It was a nightmare inducing piece of work, I was breaking out in sweats and starting to panic. Obviously my tired state of mind contributed to the fear and adrenalin coursing through me. It was rather thrilling, I've yet to hear it while fully conscious and am looking forward to it.

An extra curricular sojourn into the life of another

I stood in the shade
When you arrived I was bathed in light
She, who was like you, frayed my nerves
unknowingly.
Calm me now while we wait
with baby wipes and cigarettes.
I made bold steps and thought of skin,
the long walk embarrassed me
and the meal lay unfinished.
The longer walk shortened by smiles,
your support lingered long after you'd gone
as the needle made it's journey.

I came out on the wrong side, branded
tripping through tourists,
fiddling with film I heard my name.
We crossed the Styx and made our way to Dis
or Top Shop.
I felt safe with you, my guide.
We made our way west to my eventual departure
Stopping briefly for bikinis, hats and lost earrings
You'd be embarrassed later so I made my way
back to my life.

Bepanthen for the flesh and a song for the heart.

Tattoo

It's not healed properly yet but here it is...

Back in the arms of my baby and other stories

So I had a drink last night. I knew it would happen soon and to be honest it weren't that bad. The good points were free flowing conversation and a slight buzz. The bad points were the guilt, the dehydration and headache in the middle of the night. I will drink occasionally hopefully not enough to feel the guilt because that's the worst part for me. Even though there's nothing to feel guilty about.

I was sober for a little over 3 months and if I want to do it again I know I can.

I think I should attempt giving up soft drinks because they do more damage to me than the booze.

I have an awful headache right now, it's been coming and going for about a week but I'm trying not to take too many tablets.

Now I'm going to go back to wondering what to wonder about.

B is for Brilliant

I got the boys yesterday and took them to the Barbican, to the Family Film Club where they got to make Bee hats in honour of the film which was Bee Movie.There were roughly 20 other kids there and they all got up on stage to show off what they made, I thought my boys would be too shy to get up but they did. The film itself I thought was fantastic and the kids enjoyed it, it had the usual few jokes for the grown ups as well, Chris Rock was fantastic as a mosquito.

After the film we went to sit by the pond outside the Centre and admired the building from this new perspective (I'd only ever seen it from outside and underneath). We headed back to the tube passing by Mendelssohn's Tree on which someone drew a smiley face and some more graffiti down the steps over the footbridge that read "Muslims are so gay" and wondered whether the same person was responsible for both acts.

So, we got the tube to Bank to get the DLR to Island Gardens but the DLR was down and we ended up going to North Woolwich on the Jubilee instead to wonder around the O2 for a bit. We took a Clipper back to Embankment and got home suitably knackered and lazed watching Johnny Depp as Willy Wonka before taking the boys back.

I made my way back home on the Chingford to Liverpool Street and opened Sylvia Plath's The Colossus, not being able to concentrate on the book I thought about a text I got earlier and decided to act on it, what I didn't realise was that the text was sent 4 days ago and obviously I missed out on the event, one good thing came of it though...

...first there was the bar with no name then there was Betsey Trotwood and more recently the the Prince Arthur. Now there is a new favourite bar and it's the Three Blind Mice, Ravey Street. It's tiny (about the size of my front room), low ceiling (7ft max), 60 different bottles of spirits behind the bar (I know, I counted every single one) and they don't sell after shocks or even red bull, they sell things like Hendricks Gin and Wray & Nephew. The music is fantastic, chilled out trip hop, kitschy french electronica and jazzy Brazilian 60's while I was there. The staff/owners (it seemed as if they cared a lot about the place so am assuming they have more invested in the place than a hired hand) were lovely and even one even asked me about the book I was reading, I love it when people take an interest, not for the attention, it's just nice to share and communicate.

Not a bad start to my week off I suppose.

Seriously Mick you fucker

So I've been reading Bukowski and I really like his style I'm not sure how I'd go about recreating it but I would like to, I think it would suit what I want to say.

I have ideas flitting through my mind before I can write them down, very frustrating. Damn my memory and lack of concentration.

I should be getting my tattoo within the next month or so.

Played a lot of Chaz n Dave at work today which lightened the mood somewhat. I also put a quote on the board which my friend wrote for me in a birthday card in latin which basically means "don't let the bastards grind you down". I took great joy in telling people what it meant and right under the noses of the oppressors, yay. I still don't have the nuts to write "Arbeit Macht Frei" though, bearing in mind the company's country of origin, maybe on me last day or summat.

I have a week off next week and I really need to do summat worthwhile instead of waiting it like I usually do. I'm thinking galleries, museums, gigs, walks and definitely some writing. Oh and get me hair cut it's down past me shoulders now.

Now it's time to go be the bold adventurer and hold up Excalibur.

Boozer's Lament freestyle (can't write for toffees)

I don't know why
I gave up booze
or maybe I do
but I won't admit it to myself,
it's better to get by
without asking yourself
too many questions
for fear of an answer
I don't really want to hear.

three months go by
slowly
every bar and pub
an open invite to oblivion
I'm all too willing to take
but what stops me
I made no promises
I told few people
who, no doubt,
are sick and tired
of my bitching and whining

sole
source
solace
sauce
sorry
soul
so long

Get A day Off

Get sick

Yay me!

A (not very) Comical Psycho-anatomical Encounter

Liver: Hey, Mick.
Me: Long time, no speak.
Liver: I feel great since you gave up the drink.
Me I thought you might.
Psyche: You need a drink!
Me: Who said that?
Psyche: It is I, Psyche, your arch nemesis!
Liver: You leave us alone.
Me: (To Liver) Let me handle this. (To Psyche) Give it a rest would you.
Psyche: You'll never beat me.
Me: Look, I've been out to loads of pubs and clubs and haven't had a drop.
Psyche: Yes but you haven't been out with your drinking pals.
Me: So.
Psyche: You know you'll drink when you see them.
Me: Maybe... but I don't have to see them.
Liver: You tell him Mick.
Psyche: Who does that leave you with, huh?
Me: Friends... Friends who won't pressure me like you do.
Psyche: I'll beat you, one way or another Ill beat you (disappears laughing maniacally)
Liver: Oh Mick, my hero!
Me: Hush now Liver, know this. the battle is won but the war will rage eternally.
Liver: (meekly) I'm scared.
Me: Sissy
Liver: Hey
Both: hahahaha
Me: Hey, wanna go eat a bunch of paracetamol.
Liver: MICHAEL.
Both: hahahaha

Fin

I feel sad now, (what should I call this?)

You complete cunt, she said,
I looked at her non plussed.
Get out of the damn bed,
seethingly as she fussed
Over the bairn who cried
and pierced my ravaged skull.
I love you babe, I lied
this marriage void and null.
You bastard, I hate you,
She saw through my deceit.
She held my child like glue
away from this deadbeat
my baby calls daddy.
I'm sorry, I attempt
I've handled this badly
Go, she says, with contempt.
Go, please get dressed just leave
Let me kiss my baby
She does with tears of grief
whispering I'll see you,
maybe.

So Phil Daniels

got my sister pregnant.

Well I just had to go round there, didn't I.

To his house which happened to be on top of a coach.

Outside the Prince of Wales.

I was cross.

I climbed the scaffold and jumped on to his abode which frightened his wife.

Who was also pregnant.

"You're not the father" I exclaimed.

Something was wrong with this picture.

Never mind.

Phil and I jumped onto a Telephone box.

The one outside O'Neill's.

Battle!

No.

-

I have to run down Drury Lane to Dryden Street

Old Bill in formation, truncheons in hand.

"Move you SUCKAAAAAAAAH" one shouts at me.


I deliberately got in his way you see.

-

I must get my son to school.

In my arms like I was Chow Yun Fat in Hard Boiled.

Arne Street is a warzone.

Through the Alley back on to Drury Lane.

The School's not where it's supposed to be.

An oasis of calm.

My friend you look different.

Like your troubles have vanished.

She smiled.

Noticing my child she ushers us to sanctuary.

-

Alone now.

I made my way up Neal Street in the cold light of dawn.

I saw my sister outside the entrance to the flats.

Other people were there.

It was over

-

This is when I woke up, my arm was frozen numb and I couldn't lift my head. I don't know why I remembered all of this, usually it goes after a few minutes awake. I've no idea what any of it means, if anything at all.

I'm seeing a lass called George Pringle tonight at the Luminaire She's quite cool check her out if you want.

I'm winning, just

Re my last post, I'm feeling a little better since. I've had a rest, thought of nothing in particular and feel ready for... ...something.

Caught up with a friend I hadn't seen in a long while, we had a few drinks at the Somerstown Coffeehouse and a short stroll to Holborn. It was good to see people that actually exist as opposed to fictional characters of my own invention or otherwise (work doesn't count because I've decided it's just a cruel joke my psyche is playing on me).

Today I'm supposed to be going to a gig but I think I'll give it a miss and read instead. At the moment I'm getting lost in the Bookholmian Catacombs, I had to escape Prozac Nation due to too much empathy for Elizabeth, although I will return sometime soon.

I should also get out of the house and stretch my legs and taste that fresh London air we're so proud of. I'll head towards the city which is dead on the weekend and therefore devoid of twats in suits.

I've also been busy rekindling friendships that were in danger of dying out.

My sleeping patterns seem to be much better as well although I had a rather disturbing dream about a recent acquaintance the other night, I wonder what that was all about.

I am currently suffering a lot from TOT with peoples names mainly but other words as well like danger a couple of sentences back which took over a minute to think of.

I other news I've still not taken a drink, it's been nearly two and a half months now and to be honest I'm not feeling a difference healthwise even the worry of making a fool out of myself hasn't left me even though it's probably imaginary. I have always said I would go back to drinking but obviously not to excess. I have a real challenge coming up at a gig I've been invited to by the chaps I used to drink with, I'm sure I'll cope though. My sister will be there and I can lean on her for moral support.

TTFN

Oh me, oh my!

I feel really shitty right now! I'm at work on my lunch break thinking about planing my own funeral as it were. On the verge of tears, I feel like I can't face anybody ever again. I feel like screaming like the guitars on "Do Me a Favour" but I don't think anyone would hear me. I thought a post might ease the feeling that's weighing me down today but to no avail, fuck it.

 

I guess I'll just plough through until sleep takes me, this will be the pattern for the foreseeable future.

Concentrate

I've had a rather restless weekend. It kinda went Sit down, read half a paragraph, stand up, look in the fridge, play half a record, look out the window, sit down, look at facebook, read half a paragraph of a different book, channel surf and so on, pretty much can't keep still for more than five minutes. Can't think why.

Haven't been out for a while but I have a couple of gigs coming up, Velvet Revolver and Serj Tankian I may also go and see DIOYY but I'm not sure yet. I need to get out of doing the same things everyday, I'm finding it difficult to keep my head up recently.

Back to work tomorrow after a four day weekend, it goes without saying that I'm not looking forward to it but a little social interaction might do me some good.

What's it caled when you only have the negative emotions of a crush?

Anyway I'm going to try and listen to Prettyy. Odd. and not just dodder aimlessly about the flat.

This is my life, what's yours?

I just joined this and I really like it I may even attempt one of the ever so slightly longer projects :)

Unorganised Mind

I've been off work for the last fortnight and I pretty much wasted the entire time. I saw three gigs, read half a book, bought a whole bunch of records and messed up my sleep patterns. My only plan was to go to the coast for a day didn't happen, in fact I left the house very few times and only for a few hours at most.

The whole reason I took time off was to be away from and to not think about the office. This didn't happen either, the second part obviously. I can't help it, it seems to be all consuming, a strain and a constant source of stress for me. It's mentally exhausting which has physical manifestations.

I don't even feel real half the time. Or relevant or human just inconsequential.

I consume but don't contribute anything worthy of society. I'm trapped in my self. My view is askew, I wonder if everyone else's is.

Do I care, about the right things, am I supposed to. Am I even thinking my own thoughts.

I can't think of anything, good, that I've not fucked up in some way, that is me.

Where is my goodness, extroversion, happiness, reckless abandon, trust?

I know exactly where my jealousy, bitterness and resentment are, along with an unsettling understanding of where they come from.

I feel drunk, the bad drunk, even though I haven't had a drink in over a month.

Dubstep is making me feel small in a sparse unforgiving city as well as cocooned tightly within it.

Should I make a will.

I find it a chore to talk to anybody, after the niceties any kind of intelligent conversation appears to allude me, I have nothing to say worth saying.

I miss people who were never there, where I was at least.

Is it supposed to be like this.

My Entire Vinyl Collection

I was bored and couldn't sleep so I decided to make a list, here it is:

12s

The Bob Crewe Generation Orchestra - Barbarella OST
Dirty Pretty Things - Waterloo To Anywhere
Dr Dre - Dre Day
Fucked Up - Year Of The Pig/The Black Hats
The Jam -In The City
Curtis Mayfield - Superfly OST
Marlena Shaw - The Spice Of Life
Various - Sixties Mania

10s

The Rascals - Suspicious Wit

7s

Babyshambles - Albion
Babyshambles - Delivery x2
Babyshambles - Fuck Forever
Babyshambles - You Talk
Babyshambles & Friends - Janie Jones
Bishi - Never Seen Your Face
The Cribs - I'm A Realist/Bastards Of Young
The Dead 60's - Stand Up x2
Dirty Pretty Things - Bang Bang You're Dead x2
Dirty Pretty Things - Deadwood
Dirty Pretty Things - Wondering x2
GoodBooks - Passchendaele x2
The Human Value - Give Me
The Magic Numbers - I See You, You See Me
Maximo Park - Girls Who Play Guitar x2
The More Assured - All In Your Head
Mystery Jets - The Boy Who ran Away
Rilo Kiley - The Moneymaker
The Sessions - What Is This Feeling
XX Teens - How To Reduce The Chances Of Becoming A Terror Victim
The White Stripes - Conquest x3
The White Stripes - Icky Thump x2
The White Stripes - You Don't Know What Love Is (You Just Do As You're Told) x2
Yila Featuring Scroobius Pip - Astronaut

I nearly pissed meself when I saw this

I love xkcd

Disco/Inferno

Just sitting here listening to the chilled out sounds of Marlena Shaw (California Soul is sublime)wondering when sleep will take me. The tiredness is taking the form of pressure in my temples. I should be feeling refreshed after a week off work but it's like every time I wake up I panic thinking I'll be late, I should leave all thoughts of that wretched place behind as soon as I walk out the door but it just seems to consume, control, condense my personal time and I'm back there feeling awful.

I've been trying to get lost in music but I'll hear a certain note which reminds of something at work and it all comes undone, grr. I suppose I'll have to train myself to appreciate and make the most of my free time. I did go to one gig and have been for a couple of walks and I've got a few new 12s and 7s which I'm enjoying at the mo (the pressure's easing now).

When I was at the gig I stood by the bar the entire time, thinking about all that's in the bubble at the bottom of the bottle as it were. As I looked at each bottle I remembered "the good ol' days" which is ironic because they are exactly why I don't remember much of them. Either way the feeling of nostalgia was overwhelming but I stuck with coke as the beautiful sounds washed over me bring me back to the present where I realised that those days were indeed good and also very old as it's been so long since I had an experience worthy of the nostalgia, I also realised that it's unlikely to ever happen again anyway.

I was thinking of the days we used to go to each others houses and stay up til 6 listening to bittersweet sixties sounds and we'd either make our way home bleary eyes shy of the bright grey dawn sky or otherwise fall asleep on floors or sofas and at least once in the loo. Sometimes there were nearly twenty of us and someone would have to go and find somewhere to get more booze at 3 in the morning which was doubly hard given the age of us, we managed though, if they're willing to sell out of hours they might aswell sell to underage. There was a certain warmth you felt, like a belonging which I suppose it was however naive it feels now you don't forget how good it felt at the time.

What happened? We done gone gotten ourselves responsibilities damn you! So the late nights are few and far between and you realise, you realise or maybe it's just your body telling you it can't last forever (damned body's got a mind of it's own with it's pesky survival instincts).

Now I am going to listen to Barbarella OST and try not to think about the circle Dante forgot.

and the DJ played Torn on the Platform 3 times!?

Went to see We Are Scientists last night. It was a fantastic but short set, although any set short of three weeks is to short to be fair. They played about seven tracks from WLaS and about four from BTM. The banter was kept to a minimum, 'twas a crisp performance from the boys to a decidedly lacklustre crowd of industry/clients/twats in the lush, intimate surroundings of a former strip club. There were a few "fans" though and they warmed up after about ten minutes with some mild moshing but people looked at them funny. The thing is this gig was a showcase for tiscali which is why there were so many "suits" I suppose, and it was being filmed aswell and nothing more puts the British off more than cameras in the area unless, of course, they're off their face in Ibiza and are happy to have their boat plastered all over ITV7 or Bravo,...I digress. I really enjoyed it (just to see them was enough) although it wasn't a perfect gigging atmosphere and I didn't touch a drop which I'm fairly proud of.

I was gonne title this"Was not WAS" then realised it was crap, oh well.

In other news the NME Awards weren't very good this year. The highlights being Faris Badwan towering over Tom Clarke, Dizzee Rascal featuring Matt Horne and James Cordon, Frank Carter handing out flowers and Kelly Osbourne embarrassing herself. Otherwise pants.

Hurricane

Did you ever feel like Briony when you were growing up, I still do sometimes but to a lesser extent. I see people doing things and feel as though I don't understand, my grown up mind does not allow me to make a fool out of myself by interfering. The world's not new to me, I've seen a fair bit, but every now and then I feel naive and innocent. It takes a while for things to dawn on me, I think maybe my mind's not as sharp as it once was. I get innuendo, that's easy, but I miss obvious things like stop talking about that thing someone's coming who shouldn't hear it and I'll carry on until it's nearly too late.

-

I know this bloke who used to wind me up no end with semantics and I'd fall for it every time until I started fighting back, it took a while because he's gormless and you can't get the message through to him. I made a fool out of him which pained me but if it only made him think twice before speaking and learning some tact maybe it was worth it. To paraphrase - your brother's gay, why don't you kill him - I think the only reason the guy didn't twat him was because he was stumped by the audacious stupidity of the comment. Sometimes I think the guy is having us on with a strange and surreal act but to what purpose, does he make everyone else look stupid by the way we treat him, many people have been rendered speechless by the things he does or says. If he's not as stupid as he makes out then why do it. Does he feel good being ridiculed by his peers. He also switches his game up when he talks to hot girls with a sincere act some seem to fall for. Maybe it's just me losing faith in humanity, hmm.

-

Do I believe I am good or bad? No one is 100% either obviously but fundamentally I feel I am bad, I do good things, selfless things, but nothing shakes the guilty feeling. I'm not explaining it properly here, I'll write more when I can figure out how to.

Don't let the bastards grind you down

As a good friend once told me in latin.

It's hard though, to keep your head up
When you're sinking under bureaucracy
And it slowly eats away at your soul,
Mind and body. Incompetent at helm
Four first mates helping us to drown
Even though we're in the same boat

I should jump ship but there's no land in sight
Their white elephants exacerbate me
Screaming in to the depths to just take me
I'm sure I will emerge from the water
I just need the courage to take the plunge

Camden Town

Burning Down.

Obviously a little late but. When watching the footage on the news it was quite shocking. I thought it was the Stables that were on fire and my first thought was that the council were behind it cause they want to put in high street stores, the place already has character flying out the window with the Wetherspoons, Starbucks and Nandos all over the show. It turns out the fire was on the other side of the road in the market by the canal and the Hawley Arms.

Now it's upseting to see any boozer go up in flames but The Hawley Arms is a vacuous shithole full of poseurs hoping for the off chance to be scene with one Miss Winehouse though I suppose you get those sorts of people everywhere, it's just not a comfortable place to drink in. The best place to drink in camden was Proud Galleries but that's gone now, I miss that place, in the summer you could go out on the terrace and drink on these beds or deck chairs with punks and rockers printed on them, before it closed they had it done up like Alice in Wonderland now it'll probably be a Boots. The Enterprise is far enough away from the centre to be safe from the BS yet close enough to be part of the crowd is such a nice pub with dark corners and bright windows depending on your preference and the atmosphere is friendly and there's a Gelateria called Marine Ices right next door for when it's hot in the summer. At the other end of Camden Town There is a nice pub called The Hope and Anchor just behind Koko which is good for a pre gig drink, never normally busy which is the way I like it.

Speaking of pubs, I've still not been to any of my locals this year. After six weeks, I think it's impressive, however, this means i have also not seen any of my "friends" from where I live. I 've been out with other people just four times this yeaar and once on my own. Books are definitley going to feature a lot this year as company, I think. Although I am thirty this year and should probably do something to celebrate if that's the right word. That's not till August abyway so there's plenty of time to um and ah over it

Semi Precious Group

Everybody should join this gorgeous group for gorgeous fans of the gorgeous Semi Precious Weapons, it's criminally underpopulated.

Come on you know you want to ;)

The Ace of 99 Red Scary Monsters

The Kids were easier to manage yesterday (apart from the usual strops). I'm so glad they enjoy music, we danced and sang along to The Beatles, The Libertines, Hot Chip, Maximo Park, David Bowie, Justice Vs Simian, Bloc Party, Reverand & The Makers, Kaiser Ciefs, Foo Fighters Remi Nicole, The Killers, Thin Lizzy, Motorhead and Nena. The sun even came out and I took them and my neice out in to the court yard for fresh air. There were no other kids about, they would have liked that, but never mind. It seems less kid friendly than when I was growing up, the place used to be teeming with tiny people. I think a lot of the residents don't like children very much since people started selling the flats they bought cheap off the council to "non smoking professional couples with no pets" it's like the kids are vermin there are even camers all over the place to catch wrongdoers. Back in the day (check me out I'm old now) we all looked out for eachother, even the parents kept an eye out for other kids. Now there's no one to look out for, they have all been driven indoors to shoot monsters and tackle Ronaldo. Maybe we can start a revolution this summer and get all the kids out just to anoy the crap out of the prffesionals.

In other news

Join my group if you dare, or for a laugh either way it's your choice.