Merry Xmas

I feel terrible.

 

I'm consumed by thoughts of crushing nothingness relieving me of the air in my lungs. I can't describe it any other way, I can't carry on this way, something needs to change. I can't be arsed with a lot of the inane nonsense people come out with and I'm beginning to see myself the same way, I don't want to be one of them. I did before when I was jealous of them, now I feel sorry for them. None of this can change the way I feel and I can't see an end to it that isn't a complete disaster.

 

Things should be looking up. I am socialising more and making new friends, I may even be moving home with some friends. I feel neither joy nor dread about this just emptiness. No one knows of course, I lie or make excuses, most people cope better with me this way.

 

I don't have much faith in anything. The music was a source but I can't seem to find the inspiration I used to derive from listening, I'm worried it will vanish completely and I will be lost.