Where is my mind?

I don't worry about my health generally but recently I'm worrying about the state of my mind. Mental health means a lot to me and I seem to be having some problems which I jokingly (to colleagues etc) put down to old age. It takes me longer to remember things I've learned recently (or even remember them at all) and my long term memory seems to be suffering too. I couldn't remember off the top of my head the dates of birth for my children amongst other more trivial things. I also seem to be losing a fair amount of vocabulary and a decent grasp of grammar. Also my concentration span is at an all time low (having to be told something at least three or four times is rather trying for all concerned)

This is all rather upsetting as I rely heavily on my wit and knowledge to get by (anyone who has seen me will understand this is important (a big part of my repertoire is/was self deprecation)) and if I'm really losing it what do I really have left.

Re-reading this has made it clear to me that what I'm trying to say will be hard to decipher which further cements my belief in a dwindling mind.

:(

Matt & Kim

Went to see a band last night.

We rushed to the Old Blue Last from Monument station because doors were at 7pm and we thought there might be a huge cue to get in because they're rather good but it was surprisingly empty when we arrived. I thought it odd but ignored it as we sat with a drink in the downstairs bar. I overheard someone say they might not see the band because it was sold out which set alarm bells ringing so I asked he barman and he said it was a ticketed event. I felt really disappointed but the barman pointed me in the direction of the promoters and I went over to tell them my predicament and they seemed very understanding and told us to hang tight until later because the label had bought fifty tickets and some may not turn up.

So we sat waiting, drinking wondering, hoping. I watched people get turned away and lots of people queuing so when the crowd dispersed I talked to one of the promoters and she said that she didn't know what was going to happen now because the PA had blown and it could be canceled but gain hang tight til later and I'll see what I can do.

Back to the stools to drink some more and hope even more. To be honest I didn't look good and I was beginning to feel a bit low.

Not long after a queue formed and it was huge so my mouth turned down I turned to my jack and sighed.

There was nothing to lose, I waited until the queue lessened to go and have one last try with the promoter. It turned out that there were a few tickets available from the label having people not turn up. and they were going fast but she spotted me and said these guys have been waiting so long and she called us through. Relief flooded through me as I gushed thanks and appreciation to her. We bounded up the stairs and in to the room, it was packed but we found a spot near the front. It was roasting already sweating we waited for the band to come on. I saw a tiny person squeezing through the crowd and climbing on to the tiny stage then I blinked and saw Matt & Kim in front of me just feet away, I roared and the whole room were roaring too.

And they launched in to their high speed set hurtling through the songs getting sweatier and sweatier but stopping after each song to thank the crowd or tell a cheeky little anecdote and an announcement that Kim wasn't pregnant which was greeted with huge cheers.

I was pogoing and moshing out from start to finish and I must say there were times when I thought I wasn't going to make it to the end but somehow (with the help of my inhaler) I found the energy to carry on, I must have been running on pure adrenalin. Matt asked for water for the crowd at the front because it was ridiculously hot and hardly a drop touch anyone's lips because it was thrown over everyone, mainly by me. albeit inadvertantly.

The gig was over, we were told they only get crowd reaction like this in their hometown of Brooklyn. When Kim came off the stage we high fived and she said she noticed me in the crowd, I felt giddy with excitement and was squeeing inside. I felt like I was vibrating from the adrenalin rushing through my weakened body. We sat down for a tick and saw that Kim was out on the floor getting her picture taken with some fans so we waited our turn for a couple of pictures which she was mor than happy to pose for and with that we ade our way out.

I made sure to find the promoters to thank them for getting us in to a sold out gig and said that I would check out more of the gigs they were putting on. I was drenched in sweat and we went around the corner so i could take off my shirt to wring it out and when I put it back on it was freezing but satisfyingly so. I was so excited I couldn't stop talking about the gig all the way home and I still had a smile on my face the next day that I couldn't get rid of.

All in all, at the endof the day, when all is said and done err... anyway This gig was the best so far this year and is shaping up to be one of my most memorable ever. You gotta love Vice and the teeny tiny Old Blue Last and all those amazing bands they manage to have playing there, yay!

Maximo Park

I was taken to see the Park on Wednesday.

It was so good and I was already giddy with excitement. Every time the burst into a new song my heart went bonkers. We were sat in the circle where you are not allowed to stand during the show which was frustrating as hell but I was bouncing away on my seat like a loon. His boundless energy and utterly amazing dancing made me fall in love with him that little bit more if it was possible. I don't have much else to say about the gig really. The support was Stricken City and Noisettes who were good but minor distractions, I was too busy thinking about the Park.

After I told my friend that Paul would be on my list of people you could cheat with and she just looked at me like I was a freak :)

To quote the closing song

You know that I would love to see you next year
I hope that I am still alive next year
You magnify the way i think about myself
before you came i rarely thought about myself

magic and me

She talks to clouds and they respond
Her enchanted dreams are so real
She believes in magic and me
and love that cannot be outshone

The clouds tell her that there's no rhyme
or reason to be unhappy
She believes in magic and me
and a love unbroken by time

Dreams, a happy sanctuary
where her love is happy and true
She believes in magic and me
and perfect love and hearts not blue

A deal with god

I've been meaning to write for a very long time but haven't been able to find the urge to do it.

The emotional rollercoaster that is my life doesn't appear to be stopping anytime soon. It's just so hard to concentrate on anything everything seems to be happening in little twitteresque moments at least in my head. My weight is fluctuating though not greatly am 19-2 at the moment but varying between 18-13 and 19-6, no one seems to believe I'm that weight because I'm six foot two I carry it well but it's still a burden physically as well as mentally. I've made friends ad lost them in a few short months. Wis an absolute nightmare, the job itself is OK but the Team Leaders constant need to find something wrong to justify what they're doing which is basically fuck all is beginning to get to me. My ex is being mean about getting the kids which causes no end of upset. I'm a rational man but when you keep getting battered about it's hard to keep it together.

I feel like I'm falling apart or that my life is falling apart around me and am helpless and hopeless. I don't want to fight anymore.

The light in my room is flickering and it hurts my eyes so I must stop.

ohsolow

I'm sitting up listening to Portishead feeling really sad and close to tears. I can't get away from it, no matter how fast I run or how well I hide which means I should face it but what am I facing. I can't really see anything just feel a vague sensation of something not being right and I can't fight that. Sometimes I forget myself and feel quite good but I can't tell if it's real.

Apparently I'm losing a lot of weight which I've been complimented on and I've still not had a drink in 46 days and I suppose I should be proud but I don't like pride. I've also cut out fizzy drinks which I never thought I'd be able to do (I was like totally addicted to diet coke) but I've only been doing that just over a week.

I miss Southend

I miss walking through Dalston listening to the Libertines

I miss Paddington Station at 9pm

I miss Camden Town in the summer

I miss the Old Blue Last in the winter

I miss the Fay Wrays

I miss that late night, tear filled, explosion of emotion no matter how unsettling

I miss it all so much

those people and places and experiences made me feel real as well as loved, needed, cared for and wanted

12

My first go at 12seconds

check it out here

Weakened

Friday

At a friends house but feeling rather low for some reason. I had an OK day at work, nothing much happened bar being 15 minutes late. To be honest I have been feeling lost for quite some time. Things seem to be going on around me and I am involved but don't seem to be part of the decision making process. I just had a week and a half off but don't feel any better for it right now, I may do later but at the moment nothing.

Saturday

Didn't get much sleep and was late for work again. Felt fine until just before lunch and had a bit of a downer for a few hours. Went to the pub after work with a couple of friends, still stuck to soft drinks and pretty much talked about nothing for 2 hours but it was nice to be social. Was supposed to got to a friends after but when I got home I changed my mind and decided to stay in on my own even though it would've been better for me to see people. Spent some time chatting to a friend online then tried to sleep but was up most of the night as usual.

Sunday

Got up to pick up the kids this morning and was fine until I left their house and was at the Bus stop I became very aware of how shitty I was feeling and realised it was the boys or seeing them at least that made me feel really bad, it was horrible nearly the worst I've ever felt. I know it's bad to give the children as a reason but it's the truth. When I see them I feel really bad. I can't help it. I don't know if it's being a bad parent and to be honest I don't care when I'm feeling this way, nothing else exists not even the kids. They don't deserve a father like me, I can't be who they need.

40

I'm not your judge and I'm not your jury

I am sanctuary

I can't fix it or make it go away

I am sanctuary

I am your secret keeper, confidante

I'll keep you safe from harm no questions asked

This offer is always open for you

I am sanctuary 

when you need me

Rollerdisco

Sunday night for a friends Birthday. I can't skate but never fell over which was good cause I've a long way to fall. I went round a few times but was a bit nervy. I had a lot of fun and want to buy a pair to practice with, it will be my take on the mid life crisis where you'd normally get a sports car.

Anyway here are some pictures of the night, enjoy...

(please note my neon headband (american apparel) and wrist bands (Claire's Accessories), I was very nervous about wearing them but it turned out to be a right laugh also I was completely sober - it's 31 days now)

oo ee or i'm insecure and unhappy deal with it

wants to be abused it's what he's used to

wants to hide in a bottle of booze too 

can he afford to lose a friend or two 

if you knew what he knew you'd want it too

his friends are many his close friends are few 

you think when he dies people will say who

dying is on his mind permanently 

no running no escape no happily

ever after and no let down gently

just pain just bruises looking angrily

it's not your fault and it never will be

it's all me it's all me and only me

shopping and stuff

Some of the results from my shopping trip yesterday...

Marc Jacobs Vans, wasn't too sure at first but are really comfortable

Can actually fit in to slim fit jeans ...am rather surprised

LRG Tee with bats, fits really well

and of course better late than never.

I bought two other t shirts one with the clash on it and another with the stones and two more pairs of jeans, some 7" and a CD single (Peter Doherty and Hatcham Social) and a copy of Vice.

-

I still feel really bad even after the retail therapy. I still haven't succumbed to drink thanks mainly to one of my friends who has been there for me a lot recently but even she can't take this feeling away permanently, she makes me smile and takes me away from myself but it never lasts and it upsets me that her efforts aren't paying the dividends they should be. 

I have a lot of people who care for me and I take them all for granted, I can't seem to find the time for them all and usually end up alone through indecision.

I'm thinking things I shouldn't nearly all the time even going so far as to figuring out how, planning to self destruct is an odd sensation. There are too many loose ends which leads me to believe, rationally, that I don't really want to and have reasons to hang around.

Work want me to see my doctor but I don't feel ready to see one yet to be honest. I will see on eventually but I have to be certain it's the right way to go before I do.

something

I'm going shopping on Wednesday which should be interesting but I'll have a little help so shouldn't go too wrong.

I woke up this morning feeling rather odd, kinda like empty and apart like I didn't belong I had more fitful sleep with wildly bizarre dreams and a painful headache. it carried on throughout the day and now I'm flitting between numbness and anxiety.

I haven't had a drink for 23 days now and I don't really want to talk about it but feel I need to mention it, some people will say how I'm feeling is connected to drinking but I don't think so, I can usually tell the difference between chemically induced and non-- symptoms. I drank and will do again to damage myself knowingly it's upsetting but it's true I haven't decided to stop to see if I can I know I can I just don't want to, I haven't got a reason to stop now I just have. I've been out a few times and not felt the need to join in the drinking but I really wanted to the other day when I got some upsetting news but a really great friend helped me through it.

My head is so fucked right now, I can't think straight + not at my usual computer and the chair is killing my back. I don't want to take pills for the pain in my head because i don't know that I will stop. I pissed off my friend and don't feel comfortable going to them for help even though they would if I really needed them.

I don't know what's going on. I really don't

Where did all the Hip Hop go?

or maybe it should be where was I?

I spent the majority of my teens submerged in the world of Hip Hop and before the UK scene got big Jungle and Drum n Bass. It was the nineties, everyone had heard of Besatie Boys, NWA and Grandmaster Flash from the eighties but this relatively new and exciting music was beginning to trickle through to me. I think it was Dre's The Chronic that got me hooked with Snoop featuring heavily I had a new musical style that seemed to be just for me (if i was born 10 years earlier I would have been a punk) and my parents wouldn't have a clue. I loved the Violence, vulgarity and the visceral voice of the west coasts disaffected and angry young black men. I know it sounds odd for a shy and nervous white teenager from London to identify with the characters these people rapped about and I suppose I did because they were doing the things I was too nervous to do ie: be rebellious, take chances and go out in to the world and male it on their own and NOT smoke blunts, drink 40s and smack bitches. I did have some principles. 

I treated the songs as entertainment and understood the shock value of the content, the same way I watched movies that were violent or profane, I would never actually go out and do these things as would most right minded people. I remember vaguely the controversy that was caused by snoops appearance on British TV with Daily Mail and their readers leading the call to have this sort of music (if you can call it music, disgusted in Berkshire) banned. This enamored me to the music even more knowing that we have had just as shocking works in film, art and literature. I mean Johnny Cash with the quite disturbing Delia's gone or the drug use depicted in Velvet Underground songs, great artists with shocking content in some songs. Thinking about it whenever people complain about things like this it causes unrest in the people who like the "problem" thus sparking a row which could end up in violence, so I say if the complainers take a bit of time to think through what they want to complain about instead of being instantly upset or jumping on the bandwagon (see wossy and brand) maybe these things wouldn't escalate. I'm not saying people aren't affected by seeing or hearing things like this, some are but I think it's a very small minority and is probably more to do with those individuals than the music or film etc. Ooh, I seem to have digressed.

So, there I was this gangly ginger kid with his walkman on (still with orange earpieces (you know, to go with the hair)) snoop and the rest of the death row family blasting in to my skull. while everyone else was reading smash hits and greeting the emergence of boybands and girlbands and Lisa Stansfield. It really was the only thing I had that I felt was mine. 

It wasn't just west coast gangsta rap (that was just the start) I discovered east coast MCs and later rappers from the south and Chicago and Detroit. There were "conscious" rappers who had a more positive outlook and talked about social injustice and the struggle of those living around the breadline as well as other socially aware commentaries who I felt just as passionate about if not more because of the message, so I was beginning to build a decent library of Hip Hop tunes for every mood and occasion

I also started listening to Jungle with the dancehall influences I didn't understand, the only thing I knew about Jamaica was Bob Marley, who knew there were these deejays talking fast along to rhythms evolved from reggae and ska and then some bloke goes and puts a mental drum loop that goes at 1000mph. For me at least I think this was the start of my discovery of UK Hip Hop including Grime and Garage that and the soundsystems from the eighties it took more from Jamaica than it did from the States (funnily enough I read recently the Jamaican scene took a lot back from the UK scene too so it weren't too one sided which id cool). 

I don't remember much about UK hip hop in the 90s except that it did exist and I'd only really heard one group (Credit to the nation) and that I didn't think the accent fitted in properly so I left it until I was older and came back to it with a more broadminded sense of music in general, I'd grown in to liking Country, Punk and in a massive way Indie. The UK scene now though is huge and there is enough talent to shine through a lot if the dross (I won't go in to what is "hot or not" because this is just my opinion on what I find good). There are Pioneers Like Rodney P Roots Manuva etc and the newer school a lot of whom came from the grime scene (I'll class it all in the same way to keep it simple because artists continually crossover) like Kano The Streets Dizzee Rascal Klashnekoff etc. Obviously there are far too many too put here, those are just some of my favourites.

Anyway back to the 90s, East coast was beginning to establish itself in my hip hop collection wit Jay Z and Nas but then I heard Biggie and thought "fuck me this is amazing." This was the start of the end of my love affair with hip hop. I listened to both Big and 2pac and followed the news stories of their deaths closely. At the time I was quite saddened by what happened but I was still listening to new music and when Puff released No way out I thought it was really good but got bored of the biggie tribute quickly the rest of it was cool though, (I think that might have been the first time I heard Twista too). After that I didn't really think hip hop was that great anymore, now this could be me personally or maybe it was a bit pants, I just don't remember having the time to root through the crates as it were and began only seeing the commercially released chart type stuff that was never going to be the best.

I did get back in to it obviously with the UK scene getting big and Kanye west's rise to fame I went back to look at his old production jobs and the people he worked with like Jay Z Common and Twista. 

I can't ever see it being as good as it was back then (maybe that's just nostalgia talking) but it's quite good now with Kid Cudi and Tinchy Strider etc and the acceptance of indie music in hip hop too like Alex Turner and Dizzee Rascal collaborating there are earlier ones like Lethal B Marvin JME Skepta etc working with The Rakes Babyshambles etc. It's looking up, I'm enjoying it and I think you should too!

What's good

I'm trying to keep this positive so unfortunately it's going to be rather short.

Well, my friend showed me a piece of software to make music on which was quite cool and she even helped me make some noise that resembled music too which I thought was pretty awesome (I'll post the result here when she sends it).

I've been walking a lot lately and it feels good to do it, though hardly reaping any benefit except slight definition in the thighs an calves and a faster recovery time when I get short of breath. I've also not been drinking for just over 2 weeks now. I've been in a few challenges for example parties and bars and gigs and have so far been able to keep away from it. The urge hasn't happened yet, it normally does straight away but I am trying this with no pressure of dates or reasons.

Some positive things for the future...

Gigs - go to more and maybe a festival or two.

Socialising - say yes to going out more

Dress - need to change my wardrobe because I'm running out of clothes

Worry less - especially about work and don't take things too seriously

Believe - my friends when they tell me things aren't my fault also stop asking if things are my fault.

Faith - find some

I think that was fairly positive.

This is just a moan

Most people would be happy if they were me.

I'm just intent on feeling shit about everything.

I thought I'd discovered the most recent reason for feeling low but now I'm thinking maybe it's not that. Or maybe it is, I just don't believe it's capable of affecting me so badly. If it weren't for certain aspects of my life it may just have finished me off.

Today I have done nothing except piss about on Garageband and Facebook. I haven't been feeling well but I ate something even though I didn't want to because otherwise I might faint which isn't great (I've only fainted a couple of times but I find it scary as hell). 

I believe the physical things I'm feeling are a manifestation of my mental problems and so I need to sort my head out if I want to get rid of these annoying sidebars of pain.

That's enough moaning for now, I ned to promise myself the next post will be positive.

War Child Heroes etc

Charity albums aren't always that good (I liked War Child's previous Help A Day In The Life albums where they try and put the album together in a day with varying degrees of success) but this one is quite cool and I like the concept in which Musical Legends choose a more contemporary act to cover one of their tracks. 

Highlights for me are Lily Allen covering The Clash, Yeah Yeah Yeahs covering The Ramones and Franz Ferdinand covering Blondie and Hot Chips cover of Joy Division's Transmission complete with steel drums. For these alone it's worth getting and the cause is very worthy too. So go out and get yourself a copy.

-

I haven't bought many albums recently so am a bit behind the times when it comes to music. I did manage to get Empire of the Sun's and The Prodigy albums the earlier being my preference of the two.  I have also been enjoying lately Ladyhawke, Lady GaGa, Emmy The Great, Friendly Fires, Cut Copy, and White Lies. The best of which for me at least is Emmy's album First Love which came with a free live CD from 12 Bar. It's beautiful, honest and heartbreaking. I love it

-

My friend came round today because I think he was worried about me after reading some of my more questionable blogs but it was all good I think I reassured him and he invited me down to broadstairs and I might actually go this time.

-

I've a birthday to go to tomorrow night and I don't know if I can get through it without drinking. I don't know why but I have a really bad feeling of anxiety about it which is getting me down. I'm sure I'll be OK but it's still a worry right now. I've got to find something to wear too, normally I'm not bothered but this time I am for some reason. I expect It'll be all a worry over nothing but hey ho what can you do.

ttfn

Gigs

I've booked tickets to see Friendly Fires and of Montreal and it's given me something to look forward to. I've seen of Montreal twice and they are an amazing band they make me giddy like a child which I love. Not seen FF at all but they sound cool so it should be good.

Can't remember if I blogged about seeing Glasvegas or not so will now anyway. Went to Death Disco about a fortnight ago and they were playing a set after the NME Awards it was absolutely mental but I was completely wasted so don't remember much. Carl Barat and Jon McClure were there and I think I remember roaring at the reverend. it was quite rough the placed was rammed out obviously. I got there well early with some friends and got more and more plastered as the night wore on, at some point I had what my receipt tells me is a bling shot which was basically absinthe the proper way with heated sugar and water. 

Similarly The 1st time I saw Glasvegas was at the Old Blue Last and I was equally plastered, so I've only ever seen them in tiny venues and while ratarsed :sighs:

Michael Jackson is doing a residency in July I think I want to go but don't know if he'll be at his best. 

I would like to go to one of the day festivals in London over the summer too maybe Lovebox or Get Loaded.

I also want to attempt the 7 gigs in 7 days again, still not achieved it.

Oh, and I need to sort out contacts so I don't lose my specs at the more rowdy gigs.

Everybody Dance Now

I'm just lying down listening to my mate's mxitape, chilling out really trying to get my thoughts in order and planing what to do with my 2 days off. I will probably go for a stroll at some point today maybe along the canal or just in to the city to watch all the people who work in the offices rushing out to grab their lunches. I can't find my ipod to charge it so I'll have to use my mental music library to soundtrack the journey. The thing is it normally gets stuck on one track or artist and recently it has been Emmy The Great and she's making me rather sad. If it's not too cold I'll stop somewhere, maybe a park and try to write. I've not written outside for along time.

Tomorrow I've got a birthday (which will be another challenge to my non-drinking) to go to but I have a whole day before that. I'll probably do some more walking and maybe have lunch with a friend. I might feel completely different tomorrow so I don't want to plan ahead and cancel on someone. I'm really skint too so am having to borrow money for the next fortnight so going out a lot isn't really an option anyway.

-

I'm currently wondering about broken hearts. Is it possible to have your heart broken if it is already in pieces? If your heart is in pieces is it possible to love someone? Do you have to be a whole person to really love? These questions are causing me some pain but I can't help thinking them, bearing in mind what I've been through they are perennially relevant to me. Because of my low self esteem I don't believe I'm capable of certain things and have been told I'm not by a few people who were in a position to really damage me by saying these things. I don't want to sound like I'm moaning and I know it comes across that way sometimes but it's giving me grief and I just need to vent it.

In relation to the previous paragraph I'm now wondering weather or not I can recognise beauty. I was sitting outside my friends house the other day just waiting for her to come home and I saw a blackbird and a robin in the bushes, it made me feel something but I'm not sure what. The blackbird caught a worm and the robin was just flitting in and out of the bush its breast was very vivid and it struck a chord with me for some reason. I didn't really have time to process it because my friend turned up. The point is I thought it was beautiful but there was doubt and that is what I'm worried about.

-

I can't seem to find the energy to get out of bed today which is quite frustrating, damn wireless connections and laptops making it too easy to stay in bed while blogging.

Gonna try get up now, 'til next time...

Photo Booth boredom

No glasses

tired

pop

50 challenge

Work's not working

 

System failure, system overload

with your weak comments you can hit the road

Work's not working, you are not productive

I can't stand that lazy initiative

My mind is hazy you're making me sick

no wonder everyone thinks you're a prick

I want to leave and I want to fuck off

but I can't escape, the route's been blocked off

 

yeah baby

I woke up today in a slightly better mood.  The weekend was quite emotional for me to be honest, I felt like I was drowning. It was good for the most part and I had a lot of fun looking round the markets and eating a moos boosh burger which was fantastic, but I kept losing myself in a sea of depression every time I took a breath I swallowed more of that sea. I've a fair idea why but it's just one amongst many reasons for feeling shitty.

 

I stopped drinking 10 days ago and that will have something to do with it too but on the surface I haven't been craving a drink which I think is quite cool. I haven't set a date or given a reason for doing it because it just adds unnecessary pressure. I've even been out to a birthday, a gig and an after work drink up and was totally fine for the most part, there was a little awkwardness at times when everyone was a bit far gone and I was still in control in which I felt guilt and jealousy and pressure to name a few. I couldn't tell you why though, it also made me a little sad.

 

I was talking with someone who made me remember the times I was feeling a whole lot better about myself just to say you can have that again and I believed her, I still do but I know it will be hard to get over these obstacles and find those times again and be comfortable and contented.

 

I don't really feel any different after stopping the drink, my memory is still fucked and I still do stupid things so I can't really blame the drinking. I don't feel any better physically or mentally but I will persevere even though it's looking easy at the moment i know it will get harder. I should really change my diet which I think is the bigger problem (bigger being the operative word) but I am still in a bad place which means I can't see the point of any of this. Having said that there are things and people I wanna hang around for like friends (old and new) who I'm interested in knowing about and music, there's so much music, I really want my faith back. Someone has faith in me which made me feel so special I almost melted there and then but I think it's unfair that I don't have faith that I can offer in return. I believe in her and her ability but it's not faith and that makes me sad. I think if I can find my faith I may want to stay around for the long run.

 

She showed me that I need something to concentrate on and it has helped considerably. I now have my writing mojo back and I  find myself wanting to write more and more. Mostly it's not creative which is fine for now but at least I'm blogging more consistently. I feel quite inspired, who knows what I'll be able to come up with if I carry on feeling this.

 

I think this has been a more positive blog than most of late and that also makes me smile.

 

ttfn

The Lost Boy

The Lost Boy sits alone and watches
The Lost Boy is apart from the world
The Lost Boy he wants to get involved
The Lost Boy feels unwelcome, unloved

Who will notice him

and feed him the food

he needs - attention

The Lost Boy looks expectant
The Lost Boy will be let down

He has skills to offer

He has something to give

Who will give The Lost Boy a chance

The Lost Boy is fading
The Lost Boy grows weak

Will you see him in your circle

He's there if you look

The Lost Boy has always been there
He's been there from day one
The Lost Boy just wanted to fit in

But now The Lost Boy is gone

Just a quickie...

...I suppose, I'm about to go get my sister from the airport.

I felt awful this morning, I actually left work in tears but I came home and my friend had a chat with me online and I felt a whole heap better, we talked about my issues but also about poetry and lyrics and I've been inspired to write. I will post it when I've finished because I'm doing it by hand everything is a bit of a mess.

I hope this lighter feeling stays with me at least until I get through work tomorrow, I have the next two days off after that and will hopefully be able to grab some "me" time to work through my many and varied issues and maybe write some more as I feel I've been neglecting that side of me and it is the best way to release the stress and strains that have been building up way too much.

Little Lives

I have a little life so this isn't really a rant or I'm not having a go.

I spend a lot of time wondering this city which is absolutely fucking huge and I see a lot of people going about their business. I wonder what they do and where they go, I catch bits of conversation or the non verbals between friends and couples.

People seem to spend their days slowly shuffling through life talking about reality TV or the latest tragedy in the daily rag and they think it's important. It makes me feel sad that they don't have anything important in their lives or at least aren't prioritising them. They get so worked up over the trivialities of this modern life. I know one person who is very outspoken on her views and can't accept reasoned argument and takes it as a personal slight when you disagree with her. She's very righteous but is having an affair which is a bit hypocritical, I think.

Anyway, I understand people having a need to gossip which, I suppose, stems from genuine human curiosity. I'm not immune to it, I'll occasionally join in out of boredom or to defend someone who isn't there regardless of whether or not they're right because it's completely unfair. I don't like to get involved especially when it's petty. It sounds as if I only think people should talk about important world changing issues but it's not true I just want people to not get so heated when it comes to Jade Goody or Amy Winehouse or Ashley Cole and so on. I have nothing against the examples I just gave, in fact I'm a huge fan of Amy, I just don't want to listen to people spouting the rubbish they just read or misread in the Sun or Heat. I'm getting a bit heated myself here but it's because of the lack of knowledge, integrity, tact that many people seem to lack when it comes to commenting about celebrity or whatever it is they're so passionate and ill informed about not the actual subject matter.

What also saddens me is this crazy pursuit of money lots of people think is the answer to all their prayers, you need a better job so you can have lots of money and be happy - that's just bollocks. I want money to go and do things I like that you have to pay for however I need money to pay bills, stay warm and clean and fed everything else is extra. I'm liking my job less and less but it gives me what I need and a bit of what I want financially and I'm more than happy with the situation. "But mick don't you want a nice holiday or some cash for when you're older" no, not really, I have a basic pension for if I ever get to that age and as for holidays I had one 4 years ago and am still loving the memories. If I want to get away I can go to the coast which is quite a bit cheaper than 2 weeks in the med and for me at least just as refreshing, I live in London for fuck's sake if I can't getaway in this city where can I, failing that I can go hide in a book because books are awesome. I mean if I'm bored and skint I can go to a gallery or a museum or take a walk in the park or along the southbank, the bus is only a pound and you can get quite far from central London in one of those, gigs are free sometimes and you don't have to drink while there (I went out last night and stayed sober, I even moved my feet a little bit)

The sadness I have for the last 2 examples are not strong more like a mild annoyance (if you must, you must...) but this is what genuinely saddens me. 

There are people who get up in the morning and the go to work or the garden or something if they're retired and potter around aimlessly just getting by they might cook a meal or pay a bill and go to bed and have a sleep and I don't know if they know there is more out there and if they are happy or even realise they're sad. Do they think that's all there is or this is all I deserve. The people who work hard all their lives mostly for other people and for little or no reward and end up with nothing to show for it except worn fingers and tired eyes. They deserve a whole lot more than the people who think they're happy running around after money or fame or whatever. 

So, little lives are mostly bad, some in a you're a prick and you don't deserve it way and others in a you deserve so much more way the "wealth" isn't exactly equal here. I'd imagine some people are genuinely happy going about daily life just sitting there quite content and if they are that's good, that makes me smile. It's the ones that have that feeling and aren't sure what it is and it makes them sad or depressed, I think maybe it might be that they are yearning for more or something different, this gets to me so much it actually hurts to think about.

I have a little life but I've been slowly changing it. I go to gigs and galleries and museums. I take huge long fuck off walks. I read books outside my comfort zone. I like my opinions challenged by my friends. I am open to almost anything. I'm discovering that you don't necessarily need a drink to enjoy things. I'm remembering why I fell in love with music. I'm making new friends.

I'm spinning around...

Went out to see a band called Grovesnor last night at the Old Blue Last, they were rather good, soulful electro type stuff that makes you wanna move your feet my favourite tracks were Nightmoves and Drive Your Car.

 

It was quite crowded in there and I wasn't drinking so felt a lil awkward at first but got more in to it as the night wore on.

 

I was feeling quite happy but in contradiction to that I was also overcome with a huge wave of sadness and despair and I felt so lost. If I was on my own I would've left and not witnessed really cool music but I was with someone and was glad I stayed, it was worth it. I need to be feeling more happy than sad and going to gigs like this is part of that but I really had to fight the tears from coming and I couldn't breath it hurt so much.but I had support so I was OK.

 

I've been bouncing between happy and sad quite frequently recently and like I've said before it's driving me up the wall. I've had a lot to smile about over the last few weeks but also lots to feel down about and I'm really trying hard not to let the sad things get to me. I feel like I'm trapped in a whirlwind and can't get a fixed grip on solid ground.

Sometimes I feel a little melodramatic and hammy (you know. the old "woe is me" nonsense) because it does sound silly a lot of the time and people do get pissed off with it, I don't mean to portray myself that way I'm just not that great at getting the message across. I notice myself doing it and it's quite frustrating. 

All I want is for people to understand who I am and how I'm feeling and to not judge me for it, but people think I'm after sympathy and pity, I'm not but I'm also not looking for harsh "that's life responses" I've been tolfd by more than one person "why don't you just end it then" which I thought was a bit OTT, especially as one was a close relative that kind of cut a little bit.

gotta go that whirlwind is gonna yoink me away in a minute/

wondering if there's someone watching him through a window

so there's this girl who sits by the window and whispers. i can see her breath against the glass and it hurts to watch. she has her knees drawn up under her chin and tears in her eyes. her heart is screaming out ready to burst through its cage. i can't see out the window, through the grey dense fog that seems to want to feast on her soul and she's breaking and i'm helpless like i'm behind my own window. i want to break the glass between us and take her in to my world but i don't, i just watch impotently with tears in my own.

catch up

I've been listening to a lot of hip hop recently. I think it's because the usual stuff I listen to isn't helping my low mood.

 

I saw an old friend when I went for a walk yesterday and It was really great to see her again.

 

Last night I was so tired I tried to have a conversation with my voicemail and slept a long time but really badly.

 

Today I cried when reading about David Cameron's Son.

 

Am going out to Death Disco tonight should be fun and apparently a certain Scottish band are playing too, how cool would that be.

 

I think I had a row but can't be sure.

 

I'm out tonight, tomorrow, Friday and Saturday I'm gonna be so fucked by the end of this week not to mention poor

First Love

Things appear to be looking up!

I'll obviously need to work at it but I do have an urge to take part in your world. My friend is back in Blighty and I got to see her but not a chance to catch up. I've been making new friends quite quickly and it seems to be easy, on the surface at least, I actually have to try very hard and sometimes it's not worth it.

Sometimes I feel like it's just something to pass the time until you die but since figuring out why I've been feeling crappy recently I feel like it's worth it.

My friend and I held hands walking down the street today and it was so comfortable. I'd forgotten what it was like to touch someone like that, it was nice and natural I wonder if they thought so too. For me touch is quite important, it makes the connection more real. A friend recently jumped on me after not having seen them for a while and it was amazing it compounded the fact she missed me which I may not have believed if she'd have said it from across the room. Without sounding too creepy it's really very nice when I can smell the other person it's an amazing sensation as is the tight grip of a hug or the brush of lips on cheeks. In all honesty it makes me feel loved.

Someone in my life has the potential to make things change for the good and I'm wondering how that will pan out. I'm just wondering how long it will take for me to sabotage it.

tafn

I know what but not why

I'm not gonna do it! That much is obvious however I will continue to obsess over it. It sounds harsh and maybe I've said it before but I see no reasons for being.

I will continue to be and will continue to slowly destroy myself.

I cried yesterday for something I didn't cry over when it happened over four years ago.

People think it's the drink or- or my marriage break up but these are just things that have exacerbated it. I've felt this way for as long as I can remember and mostly when you see me happy it's a front to get by without the hassle.

Recently I have lots to feel good about (there's even been genuine smiles) and it sounds contradictory but I'll enjoy it while I can and maybe that will be for the rest of my life.

mick's mixed up

I feel like everyone is playing a game and can only understand in terms of the game and what I want to say or how I feel is outside of the game parameters. I know how to play the game and I do because sometimes it's easier to, but my heart is not in the game.

Just because you believe something doesn't mean it's true and your blind faith in it upsets me, I'm not talking religion but the way in which you live your life. Some of your conduct is admirable but it doesn't mean it will make any difference, short term maybe you experience joy or happiness and maybe it touches others and they are happy. I just can't see its relevance.

It feels arrogant of me to say you can't comprehend outside of your normal way of thinking and to be fair most people are unaware of anything outside their way, I have extraordinary friends who constantly surprise me and challenge my way of thinking but I can't see them making a way through to me. I'm not asking to be saved just to be understood. I can't make someone understand because I can't translate from my game to theirs. 

I feel like I'm losing touch with everything, call it apathy if you want but I know there's a passion deep in there somewhere waiting to be brought back I just can't figure out how to release it. People say just do it or pretend but I don't work that way I need it to be honest and pure and for that to happen I need to find the legend that will lead me to the key then maybe I'll be able to function in your society but I know I'll never be a part of it.

I've tried to relate this in terms you'll understand but I feel my concepts aren't compatible. I also realise that there are probably hundreds and thousands of people that feel the same or similar and I do wonder if they have any insight having possibly travelled the path further than I. For now I'll just be plodding along through a life I'm not sure I want. 

I feel, sometimes, that the only reason I haven't killed myself is logistics. I mean I can't be arsed getting my affairs in order and I don't want to leave it for someone else to do, it wouldn't be fair. A strange way of seeing it I admit but I have a compelling sense of duty, sometimes.

untitled 01/09

you slept while it snowed 
white covered the street

my balance was lost 
nature took its due

wanting to take flight 
with you awakened

over that powder 
cut, stabbed, slashed and bruised

we fly together 
wrapped in heaven

coming down to land 
we have each other

the snow is melting 
but you have my warmth

Finally

Finished my first book this year the other day. Gangsta Rap by Benjamin Zephaniah. It was aimed at teenagers and dealt with things they go through without being patronising which I thought was cool and wished it was around when I was a teen.

last night and this morning

Just gone to lunch at work feeling a bit dizzy and disoriented. Only had 2 hours sleep last night and everything is weird. It is my first day back in about 12 days so got very tired very quickly. I've eaten but I still feel shaky. I hope I feel better soon I still have another 5 hours to go before I can be free of this soul destroying place. My soul is fragile as it is.

 

Dinner last night was very enjoyable but that was more to do with the company than the food which took an age to arrive. It was as I expected it would be big portions and a warm environment, very working class english imo. Will go again maybe at quieter time though.

 

Need to go eat for fear of fainting at work, oh how fun would that be.

Dancing Queen

Went out last night after dropping off the kids. I had 8 large vodka lemonades so by the time I met my friends in the west end I was starting to feel it.  We carried on drinking and went up for a little dance but I wasn't as good as the last time because I was too drunk but still had a lot of fun. There was a little trouble with the girl we were with having other girls hating on her because she dances so well and is a hottie to boot and some of the men there were trying it on too, no violence though just a little aggression posturing from the blokes.

We left relatively early and I got to bed feeling super tired because I hadn't slept the night before. My sleep was stunted as usual with all the nightmares and surreal dreams that go with that sort of sleep. I had a really bad headache at about 4am but managed to get back to sleep and woke feeling ok.

I'm about to go out for some dinner with my friend from work am looking forward to it. It's nice to have something to look forward to.

let's put our futures behind us

A lot of people spend their lives trying to get more money and a better job because they think it will make them happy then they achieve all these things and are still unhappy. I have a very basic job and very little money and I know fighting for promotion or a new job won't make me any happier and I'm not happy now so status and happiness are entirely unrelated. What I suppose I'm getting at is are these people just naive or do they do it because everybody else is? 

As for my own happiness, I don't think I deserve it to be honest so 'm no longer searching for it. I don't think true happiness exists, I mean you can have moments you enjoy and have things that you will cherish. I think I would rather pursue contentment by which I don't mean complacence or happiness but having what I need to get by in reasonable comfort, obviously you need a little struggle otherwise you would become complacent. 

It sounds easy but it's not. I'm responsible for two young minds who don't understand this concept yet and I have to be careful not to make them think life isn't worth living (sometimes I get to the point where I don't always think it is). I want them to experience joy and wonder but also loss and discomfort amongst others and I think they need these experiences to become well rounded and content and to have a well rounded view of the world in which they live. To have them grow up with the presence of mind to cope with things that are unexpected and undesirable, to be reasonable and rational, to be passionate about things that aren't football like art and music.

I find with my way of thinking some people say I come across negative and unambitious but I don't see things the way they do, At work for example: If they bring in a new initiative or upgrade the systems I can quite easily see the flaws and when I point these out I get shot down and told not not to be negative and when they eventually realise, sometimes months later they won't admit I was right. For negative I read realist and as for ambition I would say I'm over it, I don't want to be the best at anything or have trophies recognising excellence, I don't want fame and fortune, I don't think these things lead to contentment however nice they might seem.

I want to be radical and free and not follow society even though it is so easy to do and I find myself playing along within society because I don't have the nuts to break away from it. 

-

I'm not sure I made any sense, my views and philosophies are mixed up and every time I think I've untangled them new knots appear but I always expect that. I don't think I'll ever get there, I suppose I'm looking at it as something to keep me occupied until I expire. Which is good because it gives me purpose although it's entirely individual. 

There is so much more to say but I can't figure out how to fit it all in and my stream of consciousness keeps breaking and I forget what I'm supposed to be writing, this sometimes occurs between starting a sentence and finishing it which is rather frustrating. 

I think I'll leave it there for now.

Paris Is Burning

I had the usual bunch of nightmares that I can never remember but amongst them was a mangled dream where a dog I saw at Battersea called Arnold was biting my finger, this whole dog thing is beginning to freak me out. Some of my friends and colleagues were in the dream too one of them told me I smelled, the rest is becoming increasingly vague.

The mac is going well not entirely used to the different short keys on the keyboard but I'll get there. It's very light and the battery lasts an age so I'm very pleased.

I haven't heard any new music but am looking forward to the new Franz Ferdinand and Lily Allen albums, I don't even know what else is coming out.

I had a nice lunch yesterday with a friend in Camden Town and it was lovely to catch up and she ended up discovering a whole load more about me and my past. She'd always wanted to know, to unravel the enigma that I am. She's ridiculously intelligent and is one of the few people who can see more than I put out there, other people think they can and I let them but she's the real deal. It's one of the many reasons I love her.

I had lunch today with my friend from work at this place where the tables are like a square foot so it's like a balancing act when the food comes. She was telling me things but I couldn't concentrate on what she was saying and I felt embarrassed but we're meeting on Sunday so we'll have more time and larger tables.

I'm still feeling rather low and it doesn't seem like it's going to end anytime soon, hopefully the move will let me forget about it.

Couldn't be bothered to think of a title so just put what I'm listening to.

Just so you know

I will always let you win

Bits

I'm still gigless so far this year which is disappointing ands the next few months will be tough so probably won't see a band until the summer.

I must start reading again, I've still only read half a book. I miss getting lost in pages and I've plenty of books yet to be read and a few suggestions aswell.

My mate got fired the other day and I'm well gutted he's a good lad and I hope we keep in touch.

I have the strangest feeling of vicarious worry for another friend which seems completely irrational.

The philosopher in me is tearing his hair out because I can't concentrate on one question for more than five seconds.

Do you know how you only notice the air conditioning once it's turned off that's how I feel about the noise in my head.

I quite fancy a Flaming Lamborghini.

And a great big tattoo.

Charlotte Gainsbourg

has the most beautiful voice, if i could only ever hear one more sound it would be her pure sweet tones.

with love and squalor

is how we'll be living in less than 2 weeks and for a long time too but I'm looking forward to the challenge. Go Foxy! RIP Fonsworth

Dogs

I'm moving out!

I got on the wrong tube the other day. I've been riding the tube on my own for about 20 years and I know the system and all its little intricacies like the back of my hand. Getting lost or making mistakes just doesn't happen and because it has now I'm worried.

Ah, to be sure. I remember what that's like, vaguely.

I saw Slumdog Millionaire on Sunday, I was very impressed the music was stunning and for what was technically a love story there was no slushiness I thought all the actors who played the two brothers growing up were really good and Danny Boyle kept it going at a nice pace and kept it edgy. There were also a lot of laughs and a great Bollywood dance scene during the credits which was quite fun.

We went to Pizza Hut afterwards where we were served by a rather nervous girl who was being moaned at by a colleague/boss and with her apologies we were typically British and told her no bother and she seemed more at ease. It was a pleasure to be served by her with refreshing honesty and a genuine smile you can forgive the inexperience. When we got the bill she gave us half off saying he does it so why shouldn't she which was really cool so we gave her a decent tip and made sure she kept it for herself. At least that's how I remember it, I was a bit pissed.

I went to a friends afterwards for a drink and a chat but can't remember what happened off the top of my head.

Yesterday started out good, met a friend for breakfast and went to do various moving out type things and decided to go to the Dogs Home at Battersea to "browse" had a lot of fun looking at all the dogs and some cats, was quite shocked at the amount of staffs on their books as it were. There were some really beautiful dogs there and I felt myself warming to the thought of a pet and left after grabbing some literature and an application form.

As it turns out we're not allowed to keep a pet but it wasn't a waste, I learnt a lot while at the dogs home and was glad some good came of it. We found this out at the estate agents where we handed in our applications and then we went for some chips and called it a night.

I got home and felt really upset and I thought it was because of my friend but after analysing it I was wrong and was just misplacing my feelings. I still don't know why but at least I know it's not her.

I discovered something about myself the other night about why I sometimes go to far. I reckon it's because I want you to hate me as much as i hate myself. My friends will all deny this but I know I'm right, I know I don't see myself the way everyone else does but the same goes for most people they probably don't realise it or it's the reverse of how i feel (they think everybody loves them but everybody thinks they're a twat) I'm never rock solid in my opinions and am open to other views but it will be hard for someone to sway me from this.

meh is not the word

I’m just sitting here, I ain’t saying much I just think
And my eyes don’t move left or right they just blink
I think too deep, and I think too long
Plus I think I’m getting weak cos my thoughts are too strong
- Sittin' Here, Dizzee Rascal

That's me right now. I can't get out of this low period. I'm falling to pieces under the pressure of all the thoughts running through my head none of which are clear they're just fleeting and fuzzy. Concentration levels are really low, i'm finding it difficult just to keep writting.

I had lunch with a friend today who said she was so upset to see that I was hurting and so lacking in confidence and to keep taking knocks the way I do which just about broke my heart. I don't know how I managed not to burst in to tears right there in front of her and the entire cafe. At once I felt loved and secure.

tafn i can't write anymore

because i'm all that...

I swear I'm getting thicker.

Punctuation, grammar and spelling is up the wall. I keep forgetting simple things. I'm becoming less and less sure of myself.

It's quite scary but interesting in an odd way.

A while back I said I had no fear but that's changed, now I'm scared of lots of things of which there are too many too mention.

Most of this is irrelevant because my sense of self worth is lower than rock bottom, I can't even decide on whether or not I want to live or die

flux

It's getting ridiculous. I felt brilliant the other day and now I'm back down in the dumps. Fuck fuck fuck.. I'm a problem solver but part of the equation is lost to me. I'm caught bouncing from the highs and lows, it's really getting to me.

Do you know the real answer?

I was born to be a dancer

The mind wanted to but the body let it down.

I was supposed to go to a gallery but we had lunch instead and was persuaded to come out later on. I went home to rest and I got a call from some friends who were in the west end so went straight back out again.

We had a few in the pub and went to Yates's Wine Lodge :shudder: ordered some slippery nipples which looked more like cellulite. We talked about the music most of which was pants but every once in a while the played a tune I loved from back in the day like Regulate or Here comes the Hotstepper and I was just nodding my head and my friend was itching to dance so she just got up and did it. She can certainly move, I was in awe most people in the surrounding area were. I don't know why I decided to get up but I did and I was free. She was impressed and dragged me off to the middle of the dancefloor. We danced and danced and danced, I felt good and a circle formed around us I didn't care, I was exhilarated and I was throwing mad shapes all over the place. I was getting tired though and after every song she'd say one more and I couldn't refuse. Eventually we sat back down and she was so happy for me after seeing how I was so low before.

When I got outside a man came up to me praising my dancing and my friends we're saying "see, if strangers are telling you how good you are you should just accept it." I find it really difficult to take praise. I relented and basked in its sweaty glow.

The night went on but that's enough for now

nb Alternative titles stolen from songs:

Show us your special move (Arctic Monkeys)

I could have danced all night and still have begged for more (My Fair Lady)

Are we human or are we dancers (The Killers)

...we're dancers in the dark. (Bat for Lashes)

16

Once you’ve been tagged, you have to write a note with 16 random things, facts, habits or goals about you. At the end choose 10 people to be tagged, listing their names and why you chose them.

1 I have 3 Tattoos (My sons names and libertine)

2 I can't see myself getting to old age

3 Keep having dreams about my friends dog

4 Guilty Pleasure: Rapping along really loud and (I think) competently to Biggie's One More Chance (Album version though)

5 Think I maybe addicted to diet coke

6 Sometimes I feel as witty as Wilde and others like a babbling idiot

7 Once drank so much I got thrown out of a cinema because someone complained about the
smell of sick emanating from my jeans

8 I think I may be diabetic but won't see a doctor

9 I've started to feel sorry for the people I used to be jealous of

10 Enjoyed the contrast between two of my favourite authors of 08, Bukowski & Zepheniah, One's chaos and the other's peace

11 I never really wanted to get married

12 Last time I cried: New Year's Day (was previously Looking for Alaska when I originally wrote
this)

13 History with women: Kissed 4 & Slept with 2

14 No longer very good at keeping promises (was previously exemplary)

15 Would switch teams for far more blokes than I'm comfortable with

16 Don't think I'll ever fall in love

Foxy

Hello this is The Foxy Pad, Michael speaking, how may I direct your call?

I think it could work, I think we all like eachother and are grown up enough to live together harmoniously. I can seem unenthusiastic about the whole thing but I'm not. I'm looking forward to us all in the living room lazing about after dinner watching TV, it makes me feel warm like I'm gaining a new family. I'm looking forward to the five of us (my two friends, the dog, Christopher and I) just doing the everyday things that make life tick by.

It will be a new start for me and hopefully it will lift my spirits. I can't seem to get out of this current depression. It could be good for me to become part of a new household, to play a proper role in something more important than whatever it is that I'm doing now that makes me feel so low.

Foxy Pad beckons and I'm being uncharacteristically optimistic but scared at the same time, it's got my stomach in knots and my head in a spin I can hardly think straight.

2009...

...and I'm feeling fine. Complete bollocks, actually I wanted to die but it rhymed and I wanted to write it down.

I broke down on the first and I still don't know why. I called my best friend out of the New Year party and said to her I just couldn't do it anymore. She asked me what the matter was and I said I didn't know and just started crying. I felt like I couldn't stop, she comforted me.

I should have gone home but I went to see another friend. She's new, I've only known her a matter of days, and she seems quite nice and I feel comfortable with her (we spent the night with another friend in bed together I thought it was quite fun and funny however being my paranoid self I didn't feel she was entirely comfortable with me, I still don't) and am looking forward to seeing how our relationship progresses. I wonder what she must think of my actions since we met which makes me feel embarrassed. As you can see I still haven't got over my ridiculous paranoia.

I got home that morning at 9.30 emotionally drained and went to sleep nearly straight away but it was fitful and full of nightmares but I felt a little better when I got up. I called my best friend to let her know I was still here, something she never doubted. I was tired so I went to bed and just watched nothing on telly.

The next day I woke up feeling a lot worse and I did nothing all day. I felt so crushed it was hard to breathe but it wasn't as bad as on Thursday when I wanted to die.

Today I'm supposed to be going to a gallery with my latest friend, I hope it happens because I need to see her, I've been lonely. Then I should be going out with work mates but I don't know if I will because I don't want to be in a drinking environment.