let's put our futures behind us

A lot of people spend their lives trying to get more money and a better job because they think it will make them happy then they achieve all these things and are still unhappy. I have a very basic job and very little money and I know fighting for promotion or a new job won't make me any happier and I'm not happy now so status and happiness are entirely unrelated. What I suppose I'm getting at is are these people just naive or do they do it because everybody else is? 

As for my own happiness, I don't think I deserve it to be honest so 'm no longer searching for it. I don't think true happiness exists, I mean you can have moments you enjoy and have things that you will cherish. I think I would rather pursue contentment by which I don't mean complacence or happiness but having what I need to get by in reasonable comfort, obviously you need a little struggle otherwise you would become complacent. 

It sounds easy but it's not. I'm responsible for two young minds who don't understand this concept yet and I have to be careful not to make them think life isn't worth living (sometimes I get to the point where I don't always think it is). I want them to experience joy and wonder but also loss and discomfort amongst others and I think they need these experiences to become well rounded and content and to have a well rounded view of the world in which they live. To have them grow up with the presence of mind to cope with things that are unexpected and undesirable, to be reasonable and rational, to be passionate about things that aren't football like art and music.

I find with my way of thinking some people say I come across negative and unambitious but I don't see things the way they do, At work for example: If they bring in a new initiative or upgrade the systems I can quite easily see the flaws and when I point these out I get shot down and told not not to be negative and when they eventually realise, sometimes months later they won't admit I was right. For negative I read realist and as for ambition I would say I'm over it, I don't want to be the best at anything or have trophies recognising excellence, I don't want fame and fortune, I don't think these things lead to contentment however nice they might seem.

I want to be radical and free and not follow society even though it is so easy to do and I find myself playing along within society because I don't have the nuts to break away from it. 

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I'm not sure I made any sense, my views and philosophies are mixed up and every time I think I've untangled them new knots appear but I always expect that. I don't think I'll ever get there, I suppose I'm looking at it as something to keep me occupied until I expire. Which is good because it gives me purpose although it's entirely individual. 

There is so much more to say but I can't figure out how to fit it all in and my stream of consciousness keeps breaking and I forget what I'm supposed to be writing, this sometimes occurs between starting a sentence and finishing it which is rather frustrating. 

I think I'll leave it there for now.