Books I read last year

Nearly got there!

1 20 Fragments of a Raveous Youth - Xiaolu Guo
2 A Concise Chinese-English Dictionary For Lovers - Xiaolu Guo
3 Pygmalion - George Bernard Shaw
4 The City of Dreaming Books - Walter Moers
5 Breakfast at Tiffany's - Truman Capote
6 Look We Have Coming to Dover! - Daljit Nagra
7 The Colossus - Sylvia Plath
8 By Grand Central Station I Sat Down and Wept - Elizabeth Smart
9 On Chesil Beach - Ian McEwan
10 Atonement - Ian McEwan
11 The Bedroom Secrets of the Master Chefs - Irvine Welsh
12 If You Liked School You'll Love Work - Irvine Welsh
13 Come On In: New Poems - Charles Bukowski
14 20 Love Poems and a Song of Despair - Pablo Neruda
15 Rapture - Carol Ann Duffy
16 The Good Soul of Szechuan - Bertolt Brecht
17 Who's Afraid of Virgimia Woolf - Edward Albee
18 Rumo - Walter Moers
19 Crime - Irvine Welsh
20 The Outsiders -S.E. Hinton
21 Factotum - Charles Bukowski
22 London's Forgotten Children - Gillian Pugh
23 The Slow train to Milan - Lisa St Aubin de Terán
24 The 13 and a half Lives of Captain Bluebear - Walter Moers
25 The Captain's Verses - Pablo Neruda
26 For You A libretto - Ian McEwan
27 Twilight - Stephenie Meyer
28 Prozac Nation - Elizabeth Wurtzel
29 New Moon - Stephenie Meyer
30 Eclipse - Stephenie Meyer
31 Breaking Dawn - Stephenie Meyer
32 Looking For Alaska - John Green
33 Freakonomics - Stephen Dubner & Steven Levitt
34 High Rise - J G Ballard
35 Isle Of Dogs - Daniel Davies
36 Generation X - Douglas Coupland
37 Are You Dave Gorman - Dave Gorman & Danny Wallace
38 Too Black Too Strong - Benjamin Zephiniah
39 Talking Turkeys - Benjamin Zephaniah
40 Propa Propaganda - Benjamin Zephaniah
41 City Psalms - Benjamin Zephaniah
42 Refugee Boy - Benjamin Zephiniah
43 Trainspotting - Irvine Welsh
44 A Boys Own Story - Edmund White
45 Post Office - Charles Bukowski
46 Tales of Beedle The Bard - J.K. Rowling
47 Ham On Rye - Charles Bukowski
48 Love on the Dole - Walter Greenwood

Bands I saw last year

A lot of bands I saw are completely lost to me here are the ones I remember

1 The More Assured x5
2 Lightspeed Champion
3 King Charles
4 The Moulettes
5 Mumford and Sons x2
6 One Flew Over
7 The Genies x2
8 Semi Precious Weapons
9 Missing Andy
10 Pearl
11 Stone Gods
12 Velvet Revolver
13 We Are Scientists
14 Alphabeat
15 Royworld
16 DIOYY
17 George Pringle x2
18 Cut Off You Hands
19 Joanna And The Wolf
20 Olympus Mons
21 The Vivians
22 Censored
23 Fucking Vegas
24 Betty Steeles x2
25 The Rumble Strips
26 Yoav
27 Heartbreak
28 Aynzli Jones
29 Susie Clarke
30 Caimbo
31 New Cassettes
32 Hot Rocket
33 Aidan John Moffat
34 Little B
35 Claire Nicolson
36 Elsa Chapman
37 Imma
38 Grand Union
39 Slaves to Gravity x2
40 Smoke Feathers
41 Freak Flag
42 Jono McCleery
43 Floors & Walls
44 Idle Lovers
45 Martha Wainwright
46 Beth Orton
47 Ed Harcourt
48 Romeo (of The Magic Numbers)
49 Dirty Pretty Things
50 Dusty Rhodes & The River Band
51 Kieran Leonard & The Goodknights
52 Foo Fighters
53 Supergrass
54 The Futureheads
55 Jimmy Paige & John Paul Jones of Led Zeppelin
56 Laura Marling
57 Ed Rome
58 Janet Kay
59 Toots & The Maytals
60 The Wave Pictures
61 Dorp
62 Brigade

63 Twin Atlantic

64 Year Long Disaster
65 Thrice
66 Serj Tankian
67 InMe
68 of Montreal
69 Eugene McGuiness
70 Telison
71 Flobots
72 Funmilayo
73 Jass Meagher
74 Datura
75 The Peryls
76 The Consevatives
77 Aaron Short

Merry Xmas

I feel terrible.

 

I'm consumed by thoughts of crushing nothingness relieving me of the air in my lungs. I can't describe it any other way, I can't carry on this way, something needs to change. I can't be arsed with a lot of the inane nonsense people come out with and I'm beginning to see myself the same way, I don't want to be one of them. I did before when I was jealous of them, now I feel sorry for them. None of this can change the way I feel and I can't see an end to it that isn't a complete disaster.

 

Things should be looking up. I am socialising more and making new friends, I may even be moving home with some friends. I feel neither joy nor dread about this just emptiness. No one knows of course, I lie or make excuses, most people cope better with me this way.

 

I don't have much faith in anything. The music was a source but I can't seem to find the inspiration I used to derive from listening, I'm worried it will vanish completely and I will be lost.

Adultery Dream

He fucked you didn't he, she said to her sister who was sobbing, mascara running freely. I wanted desperately to comfort her, have her head cradled under mine. There was no rage showing on her face after such a wrong delivered against her in fact her face was rather blank considering. I had no idea about her new relationship or what lead to his infidelity, only one thing was bothering me, her sister.

I wasn't sure why I was here to witness this encounter which oddly was taking place on the concourse at Victoria station outside WH Smith next to the escalator to Yo! Sushi, their mother was also present. I'd left this family behind a long time ago and none of this should matter to me.


Through her tears I could see her heart being ripped apart, still such a contrast to her sister's seeming apathy, and I felt mine breaking for her.

The usual midday crowds floated by completely oblivious to what was going on for which I was glad, they were just a blur surrounding the object that consumed all my thoughts and energy. She was crystal clear in my vision, her long black hair surrounding her wet face conveying so much and it seemed directly to me.

Heroin Dream

It was clumsy we tripped and stumbled down my hallway in to the state that is my bedroom. He finds a spot on the floor to cook up while I fall on to the bed and look for something to tie around our arms for pressure and to bring up the veins. He sucks up the liquid a vivid rusty brown through the needle in to the seemingly larger than usual syringe and I sense my own eagerness to inject overwhelm me. I want him as much as the gear but he seems fucked off and says something's not right. Looking around paranoid he stands up and makes to leave, belt still hanging from his arm needle falling from his large rough hands. I leave the gear where it is feeling ridiculously despondent breathing heavily starting to sob.

We Were Radios

Antennae to be precise. We also controlled the volume. The Children and I went to the Barbican to return some tickets and while waiting for the box office to open we took in an exhibition in the Curve gallery by Rafael Lozano-Hemmer called Frequency & Volume it was to show us about censorship and freedom in society the kids loved it and I loved that they could get involved in art though they may not realise it yet. I told them what it was about but they didn't really understand though they will soon, I reckon.

Fishing Trip

A friend and I said to my father that we were going to fish in the Serpentine. When we got there we couldn't fish so we went to the Camden Lock on the Regents Canal and sat for a couple of hours until it got dark and we went home. When I got in my dad said he went up to the Serpentine with some drinks for us and obviously couldn't find us and I felt that I really hurt him especially after he said he walked all the way around the lake even though it is only small.

poem june 08 (2)

(for L)

The dry rattle of the half full washer
mimmicks my nauseating hangover
At least someone's here to help me I thought
Turning for the cool side of the pillow
Memories of the night before shatter
The comfort I was taking in the pain
Solace in the most unconventional
Ways my saviour calls out through the door
Sensing I was awake brings me breakfast
Two Paracetamol and some water
Oh thank you for this one good soul
Thank you.

Drury Lane

Drury Lane, dawn lights my tired steps between
Rival schools I turned my back on the city
Towards the Convent Garden and home to dream
About the trials of the day and my pity
For this, a disappearing community
Hidden from the view of increasing tourists
Battering cobbles past animate statues
To home and the rumour of black death plague pits

Toots

Toots mek me smile, Toots mek me sing
Toots mek riddim come to my feet
Maytal melody flows thru me
The Rude Boys jostle me around
In time I do my reggae march

Heroes

(for T)

There's no Secret Seven nor Famous Five
No Robin Hood, no Band of Merry Men
Just an ever changing circle of friends
And that's all we need, the real life heroes
We see them ev'ryday using their words
To change our worlds with faith and love and trust
Love lies in the hearts and minds of your friends
All you have to do is open your heart
Throw down your arms, embrace experience
Love life forsake the haters' jealousy
It's in your hands just know there are heroes
Guides, real ones, who will help you on your way
So never mind the fairy tales, live life
Make your own adventures
always, always.

Notes on my neoroses

Are we really good for eachother? We're just brokenhearted friends who lean on eachother, are we really strong enough to support eachother. I know if you decided it was over that I would follow you in to "the next great adventure" without second thoughts. The reason neither of us do it is responsibility, at least I think that's why. There is always the suspicion that we deserve the to suffer life and it's nothing to do with our strength. Strength, I struggle to find though you replenish me, it only lasts so long because of my selfishness.

I always get this feeling I need others more than they need me. I'm not talking minuscule amounts but a massive difference in need. There is a girl who I love dearly and she means so much to me but I can't shake that feeling she doesn't need me. She is strong and all I can offer is an ear to listen while she talks, not necessarily telling me anything of consequence, I'm just an outlet. We spoke for nearly an hour and a half the other night she makes all the right sounds even though she doesn't have to. Is it out of a moral sense of what's right or does she really care, she says she does but I'm a fool to my paranoia.

I made a new friend a couple of days ago and paranoia strikes yet again. Is it all a con, we spent most of the evening chatting even arranging to meet again. I get really excited when things like this happen but usually it's ultimately painful and I should stop getting so worked up over things others take for granted.

I fuck most things up relationshipwise because of my neuroses.

poem june 08

(for F)

Your effect on me was immediate
The proverbial breath taken away
Like the first time I saw Lake Windermere
Or the long awaited blissful first kiss
From love long lost to time and memory
Oh so familiar, so comfortable
Yet new, original, fresh and scary
What power from a simple touch or look
Lays me out, cold, crushed almost lachrymal
But now you have to leave I'll miss you and
I will wonder where you went forever