Well, it's been 15 months since I've been anywhere near this page, I'd almost forgotten it existed. I've started reading a lot recently thanks to a kindle from my girlfriend for christmas that's helped me with my concentration no end. Reading has also inspired me to try and write again It feels strange sitting in front of a blank screen again desperately trying to figure out what to write to fill the void.
How about a quick catch up?
I started seeing someone, something I would never have thought possible but despite this massive good fortune I fell in to a spiralling depression. The depression was always there just unrecognised. I went to see a doctor for the first time in five years and after much persuasion from my girlfriend. The doctor sent me to a counsellor but it didn't work out, too many bad memories were just making me feel worse. Despite all this new help I was getting worse and was prescribed many different anti-depressants and was signed off work for what became six months after numerous visits to the doctors. Being off work and spending much time alone I ended up putting on a lot of weight and lost some friends. I drank a lot and became inconsolable. I ended up taking an overdose of paracetamol. I went to hospital and I was kept in overnight and I saw a psychiatrist in the morning, it was an upsetting and sobering experience. My doctor sent me to the mental health team where i saw a psychiatric nurse and am still seeing a psychiatrist there.
I returned to work but it felt horrible (still does) but I needed to get back in to a routine. So for a while my routine was get up, go to work, come home from work, eat, sleep, repeat. It was getting to me terribly but i persevered. It breaks my heart everyday I go in to that office and I know I should leave and I know this is an excuse but there are no jobs out there I'm qualified for.
In the meantime I decided I would start cycling and signed up for a long distance cycle for charity. I am about to join a gym but I don't think I'll raise enough to get to go on the trip and if I don't get to go I will feel very gutted even though I managed to raise a bit for the charity because I viewed the cycle as a kind of goal and that if I could complete it it would mean something, that I would feel something.
I still find it hard to get over things and I haven't changed as a person but the loss of two friends hurt especially since I was going through such a hard time, I expected a little more from them maybe I shouldn't have.
While I was sick I didn't see my kids for over six months, I didn't want them to see me in the state I was in. I have since started seeing them again but it's not the same, like something is missing, I don't know what that is but again I persevere.
I don't do resolutions but I recently decided to start a new way of living. Something simple and healthy with lots of time for reading and meditation, which I'm rather excited about. Like I mentioned above I am joining a gym, walking or cycling to work and I will be having protein shakes for breakfast and lunch and for dinners I will make simple dishes with rice and vegetables and big stews that last for days.
I also need to learn how to make peace with myself and to feel the feelings at the opposite end of the spectrum to depression. I know I will have to live with the depression for a long time but if I take each day slowly, take my meds and try to do the things I enjoy then maybe one day...
Saturday, 29 January 2011
Saturday, 5 September 2009
Where is my mind?
I don't worry about my health generally but recently I'm worrying about the state of my mind. Mental health means a lot to me and I seem to be having some problems which I jokingly (to colleagues etc) put down to old age. It takes me longer to remember things I've learned recently (or even remember them at all) and my long term memory seems to be suffering too. I couldn't remember off the top of my head the dates of birth for my children amongst other more trivial things. I also seem to be losing a fair amount of vocabulary and a decent grasp of grammar. Also my concentration span is at an all time low (having to be told something at least three or four times is rather trying for all concerned)
This is all rather upsetting as I rely heavily on my wit and knowledge to get by (anyone who has seen me will understand this is important (a big part of my repertoire is/was self deprecation)) and if I'm really losing it what do I really have left.
Re-reading this has made it clear to me that what I'm trying to say will be hard to decipher which further cements my belief in a dwindling mind.
:(
This is all rather upsetting as I rely heavily on my wit and knowledge to get by (anyone who has seen me will understand this is important (a big part of my repertoire is/was self deprecation)) and if I'm really losing it what do I really have left.
Re-reading this has made it clear to me that what I'm trying to say will be hard to decipher which further cements my belief in a dwindling mind.
:(
Tuesday, 2 June 2009
Matt & Kim
Went to see a band last night.
We rushed to the Old Blue Last from Monument station because doors were at 7pm and we thought there might be a huge cue to get in because they're rather good but it was surprisingly empty when we arrived. I thought it odd but ignored it as we sat with a drink in the downstairs bar. I overheard someone say they might not see the band because it was sold out which set alarm bells ringing so I asked he barman and he said it was a ticketed event. I felt really disappointed but the barman pointed me in the direction of the promoters and I went over to tell them my predicament and they seemed very understanding and told us to hang tight until later because the label had bought fifty tickets and some may not turn up.
So we sat waiting, drinking wondering, hoping. I watched people get turned away and lots of people queuing so when the crowd dispersed I talked to one of the promoters and she said that she didn't know what was going to happen now because the PA had blown and it could be canceled but gain hang tight til later and I'll see what I can do.
Back to the stools to drink some more and hope even more. To be honest I didn't look good and I was beginning to feel a bit low.
Not long after a queue formed and it was huge so my mouth turned down I turned to my jack and sighed.
There was nothing to lose, I waited until the queue lessened to go and have one last try with the promoter. It turned out that there were a few tickets available from the label having people not turn up. and they were going fast but she spotted me and said these guys have been waiting so long and she called us through. Relief flooded through me as I gushed thanks and appreciation to her. We bounded up the stairs and in to the room, it was packed but we found a spot near the front. It was roasting already sweating we waited for the band to come on. I saw a tiny person squeezing through the crowd and climbing on to the tiny stage then I blinked and saw Matt & Kim in front of me just feet away, I roared and the whole room were roaring too.
And they launched in to their high speed set hurtling through the songs getting sweatier and sweatier but stopping after each song to thank the crowd or tell a cheeky little anecdote and an announcement that Kim wasn't pregnant which was greeted with huge cheers.
I was pogoing and moshing out from start to finish and I must say there were times when I thought I wasn't going to make it to the end but somehow (with the help of my inhaler) I found the energy to carry on, I must have been running on pure adrenalin. Matt asked for water for the crowd at the front because it was ridiculously hot and hardly a drop touch anyone's lips because it was thrown over everyone, mainly by me. albeit inadvertantly.
The gig was over, we were told they only get crowd reaction like this in their hometown of Brooklyn. When Kim came off the stage we high fived and she said she noticed me in the crowd, I felt giddy with excitement and was squeeing inside. I felt like I was vibrating from the adrenalin rushing through my weakened body. We sat down for a tick and saw that Kim was out on the floor getting her picture taken with some fans so we waited our turn for a couple of pictures which she was mor than happy to pose for and with that we ade our way out.
I made sure to find the promoters to thank them for getting us in to a sold out gig and said that I would check out more of the gigs they were putting on. I was drenched in sweat and we went around the corner so i could take off my shirt to wring it out and when I put it back on it was freezing but satisfyingly so. I was so excited I couldn't stop talking about the gig all the way home and I still had a smile on my face the next day that I couldn't get rid of.
All in all, at the endof the day, when all is said and done err... anyway This gig was the best so far this year and is shaping up to be one of my most memorable ever. You gotta love Vice and the teeny tiny Old Blue Last and all those amazing bands they manage to have playing there, yay!
We rushed to the Old Blue Last from Monument station because doors were at 7pm and we thought there might be a huge cue to get in because they're rather good but it was surprisingly empty when we arrived. I thought it odd but ignored it as we sat with a drink in the downstairs bar. I overheard someone say they might not see the band because it was sold out which set alarm bells ringing so I asked he barman and he said it was a ticketed event. I felt really disappointed but the barman pointed me in the direction of the promoters and I went over to tell them my predicament and they seemed very understanding and told us to hang tight until later because the label had bought fifty tickets and some may not turn up.
So we sat waiting, drinking wondering, hoping. I watched people get turned away and lots of people queuing so when the crowd dispersed I talked to one of the promoters and she said that she didn't know what was going to happen now because the PA had blown and it could be canceled but gain hang tight til later and I'll see what I can do.
Back to the stools to drink some more and hope even more. To be honest I didn't look good and I was beginning to feel a bit low.
Not long after a queue formed and it was huge so my mouth turned down I turned to my jack and sighed.
There was nothing to lose, I waited until the queue lessened to go and have one last try with the promoter. It turned out that there were a few tickets available from the label having people not turn up. and they were going fast but she spotted me and said these guys have been waiting so long and she called us through. Relief flooded through me as I gushed thanks and appreciation to her. We bounded up the stairs and in to the room, it was packed but we found a spot near the front. It was roasting already sweating we waited for the band to come on. I saw a tiny person squeezing through the crowd and climbing on to the tiny stage then I blinked and saw Matt & Kim in front of me just feet away, I roared and the whole room were roaring too.
And they launched in to their high speed set hurtling through the songs getting sweatier and sweatier but stopping after each song to thank the crowd or tell a cheeky little anecdote and an announcement that Kim wasn't pregnant which was greeted with huge cheers.
I was pogoing and moshing out from start to finish and I must say there were times when I thought I wasn't going to make it to the end but somehow (with the help of my inhaler) I found the energy to carry on, I must have been running on pure adrenalin. Matt asked for water for the crowd at the front because it was ridiculously hot and hardly a drop touch anyone's lips because it was thrown over everyone, mainly by me. albeit inadvertantly.
The gig was over, we were told they only get crowd reaction like this in their hometown of Brooklyn. When Kim came off the stage we high fived and she said she noticed me in the crowd, I felt giddy with excitement and was squeeing inside. I felt like I was vibrating from the adrenalin rushing through my weakened body. We sat down for a tick and saw that Kim was out on the floor getting her picture taken with some fans so we waited our turn for a couple of pictures which she was mor than happy to pose for and with that we ade our way out.
I made sure to find the promoters to thank them for getting us in to a sold out gig and said that I would check out more of the gigs they were putting on. I was drenched in sweat and we went around the corner so i could take off my shirt to wring it out and when I put it back on it was freezing but satisfyingly so. I was so excited I couldn't stop talking about the gig all the way home and I still had a smile on my face the next day that I couldn't get rid of.
All in all, at the endof the day, when all is said and done err... anyway This gig was the best so far this year and is shaping up to be one of my most memorable ever. You gotta love Vice and the teeny tiny Old Blue Last and all those amazing bands they manage to have playing there, yay!
Friday, 29 May 2009
Maximo Park
I was taken to see the Park on Wednesday.
It was so good and I was already giddy with excitement. Every time the burst into a new song my heart went bonkers. We were sat in the circle where you are not allowed to stand during the show which was frustrating as hell but I was bouncing away on my seat like a loon. His boundless energy and utterly amazing dancing made me fall in love with him that little bit more if it was possible. I don't have much else to say about the gig really. The support was Stricken City and Noisettes who were good but minor distractions, I was too busy thinking about the Park.
After I told my friend that Paul would be on my list of people you could cheat with and she just looked at me like I was a freak :)
To quote the closing song
You know that I would love to see you next year
I hope that I am still alive next year
You magnify the way i think about myself
before you came i rarely thought about myself
It was so good and I was already giddy with excitement. Every time the burst into a new song my heart went bonkers. We were sat in the circle where you are not allowed to stand during the show which was frustrating as hell but I was bouncing away on my seat like a loon. His boundless energy and utterly amazing dancing made me fall in love with him that little bit more if it was possible. I don't have much else to say about the gig really. The support was Stricken City and Noisettes who were good but minor distractions, I was too busy thinking about the Park.
After I told my friend that Paul would be on my list of people you could cheat with and she just looked at me like I was a freak :)
To quote the closing song
You know that I would love to see you next year
I hope that I am still alive next year
You magnify the way i think about myself
before you came i rarely thought about myself
Wednesday, 20 May 2009
magic and me
She talks to clouds and they respond
Her enchanted dreams are so real
She believes in magic and me
and love that cannot be outshone
The clouds tell her that there's no rhyme
or reason to be unhappy
She believes in magic and me
and a love unbroken by time
Dreams, a happy sanctuary
where her love is happy and true
She believes in magic and me
and perfect love and hearts not blue
Her enchanted dreams are so real
She believes in magic and me
and love that cannot be outshone
The clouds tell her that there's no rhyme
or reason to be unhappy
She believes in magic and me
and a love unbroken by time
Dreams, a happy sanctuary
where her love is happy and true
She believes in magic and me
and perfect love and hearts not blue
Thursday, 14 May 2009
A deal with god
I've been meaning to write for a very long time but haven't been able to find the urge to do it.
The emotional rollercoaster that is my life doesn't appear to be stopping anytime soon. It's just so hard to concentrate on anything everything seems to be happening in little twitteresque moments at least in my head. My weight is fluctuating though not greatly am 19-2 at the moment but varying between 18-13 and 19-6, no one seems to believe I'm that weight because I'm six foot two I carry it well but it's still a burden physically as well as mentally. I've made friends ad lost them in a few short months. Wis an absolute nightmare, the job itself is OK but the Team Leaders constant need to find something wrong to justify what they're doing which is basically fuck all is beginning to get to me. My ex is being mean about getting the kids which causes no end of upset. I'm a rational man but when you keep getting battered about it's hard to keep it together.
I feel like I'm falling apart or that my life is falling apart around me and am helpless and hopeless. I don't want to fight anymore.
The light in my room is flickering and it hurts my eyes so I must stop.
The emotional rollercoaster that is my life doesn't appear to be stopping anytime soon. It's just so hard to concentrate on anything everything seems to be happening in little twitteresque moments at least in my head. My weight is fluctuating though not greatly am 19-2 at the moment but varying between 18-13 and 19-6, no one seems to believe I'm that weight because I'm six foot two I carry it well but it's still a burden physically as well as mentally. I've made friends ad lost them in a few short months. Wis an absolute nightmare, the job itself is OK but the Team Leaders constant need to find something wrong to justify what they're doing which is basically fuck all is beginning to get to me. My ex is being mean about getting the kids which causes no end of upset. I'm a rational man but when you keep getting battered about it's hard to keep it together.
I feel like I'm falling apart or that my life is falling apart around me and am helpless and hopeless. I don't want to fight anymore.
The light in my room is flickering and it hurts my eyes so I must stop.
Wednesday, 15 April 2009
ohsolow
I'm sitting up listening to Portishead feeling really sad and close to tears. I can't get away from it, no matter how fast I run or how well I hide which means I should face it but what am I facing. I can't really see anything just feel a vague sensation of something not being right and I can't fight that. Sometimes I forget myself and feel quite good but I can't tell if it's real.
Apparently I'm losing a lot of weight which I've been complimented on and I've still not had a drink in 46 days and I suppose I should be proud but I don't like pride. I've also cut out fizzy drinks which I never thought I'd be able to do (I was like totally addicted to diet coke) but I've only been doing that just over a week.
I miss Southend
I miss walking through Dalston listening to the Libertines
I miss Paddington Station at 9pm
I miss Camden Town in the summer
I miss the Old Blue Last in the winter
I miss the Fay Wrays
I miss that late night, tear filled, explosion of emotion no matter how unsettling
I miss it all so much
those people and places and experiences made me feel real as well as loved, needed, cared for and wanted
Monday, 6 April 2009
Friday, 3 April 2009
Weakened
Friday
At a friends house but feeling rather low for some reason. I had an OK day at work, nothing much happened bar being 15 minutes late. To be honest I have been feeling lost for quite some time. Things seem to be going on around me and I am involved but don't seem to be part of the decision making process. I just had a week and a half off but don't feel any better for it right now, I may do later but at the moment nothing.
Saturday
Didn't get much sleep and was late for work again. Felt fine until just before lunch and had a bit of a downer for a few hours. Went to the pub after work with a couple of friends, still stuck to soft drinks and pretty much talked about nothing for 2 hours but it was nice to be social. Was supposed to got to a friends after but when I got home I changed my mind and decided to stay in on my own even though it would've been better for me to see people. Spent some time chatting to a friend online then tried to sleep but was up most of the night as usual.
Sunday
Got up to pick up the kids this morning and was fine until I left their house and was at the Bus stop I became very aware of how shitty I was feeling and realised it was the boys or seeing them at least that made me feel really bad, it was horrible nearly the worst I've ever felt. I know it's bad to give the children as a reason but it's the truth. When I see them I feel really bad. I can't help it. I don't know if it's being a bad parent and to be honest I don't care when I'm feeling this way, nothing else exists not even the kids. They don't deserve a father like me, I can't be who they need.
Thursday, 2 April 2009
40
I'm not your judge and I'm not your jury
I am sanctuary
I can't fix it or make it go away
I am sanctuary
I am your secret keeper, confidante
I'll keep you safe from harm no questions asked
This offer is always open for you
I am sanctuary
when you need me
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)