catch up

I've been listening to a lot of hip hop recently. I think it's because the usual stuff I listen to isn't helping my low mood.

 

I saw an old friend when I went for a walk yesterday and It was really great to see her again.

 

Last night I was so tired I tried to have a conversation with my voicemail and slept a long time but really badly.

 

Today I cried when reading about David Cameron's Son.

 

Am going out to Death Disco tonight should be fun and apparently a certain Scottish band are playing too, how cool would that be.

 

I think I had a row but can't be sure.

 

I'm out tonight, tomorrow, Friday and Saturday I'm gonna be so fucked by the end of this week not to mention poor

First Love

Things appear to be looking up!

I'll obviously need to work at it but I do have an urge to take part in your world. My friend is back in Blighty and I got to see her but not a chance to catch up. I've been making new friends quite quickly and it seems to be easy, on the surface at least, I actually have to try very hard and sometimes it's not worth it.

Sometimes I feel like it's just something to pass the time until you die but since figuring out why I've been feeling crappy recently I feel like it's worth it.

My friend and I held hands walking down the street today and it was so comfortable. I'd forgotten what it was like to touch someone like that, it was nice and natural I wonder if they thought so too. For me touch is quite important, it makes the connection more real. A friend recently jumped on me after not having seen them for a while and it was amazing it compounded the fact she missed me which I may not have believed if she'd have said it from across the room. Without sounding too creepy it's really very nice when I can smell the other person it's an amazing sensation as is the tight grip of a hug or the brush of lips on cheeks. In all honesty it makes me feel loved.

Someone in my life has the potential to make things change for the good and I'm wondering how that will pan out. I'm just wondering how long it will take for me to sabotage it.

tafn

I know what but not why

I'm not gonna do it! That much is obvious however I will continue to obsess over it. It sounds harsh and maybe I've said it before but I see no reasons for being.

I will continue to be and will continue to slowly destroy myself.

I cried yesterday for something I didn't cry over when it happened over four years ago.

People think it's the drink or- or my marriage break up but these are just things that have exacerbated it. I've felt this way for as long as I can remember and mostly when you see me happy it's a front to get by without the hassle.

Recently I have lots to feel good about (there's even been genuine smiles) and it sounds contradictory but I'll enjoy it while I can and maybe that will be for the rest of my life.

mick's mixed up

I feel like everyone is playing a game and can only understand in terms of the game and what I want to say or how I feel is outside of the game parameters. I know how to play the game and I do because sometimes it's easier to, but my heart is not in the game.

Just because you believe something doesn't mean it's true and your blind faith in it upsets me, I'm not talking religion but the way in which you live your life. Some of your conduct is admirable but it doesn't mean it will make any difference, short term maybe you experience joy or happiness and maybe it touches others and they are happy. I just can't see its relevance.

It feels arrogant of me to say you can't comprehend outside of your normal way of thinking and to be fair most people are unaware of anything outside their way, I have extraordinary friends who constantly surprise me and challenge my way of thinking but I can't see them making a way through to me. I'm not asking to be saved just to be understood. I can't make someone understand because I can't translate from my game to theirs. 

I feel like I'm losing touch with everything, call it apathy if you want but I know there's a passion deep in there somewhere waiting to be brought back I just can't figure out how to release it. People say just do it or pretend but I don't work that way I need it to be honest and pure and for that to happen I need to find the legend that will lead me to the key then maybe I'll be able to function in your society but I know I'll never be a part of it.

I've tried to relate this in terms you'll understand but I feel my concepts aren't compatible. I also realise that there are probably hundreds and thousands of people that feel the same or similar and I do wonder if they have any insight having possibly travelled the path further than I. For now I'll just be plodding along through a life I'm not sure I want. 

I feel, sometimes, that the only reason I haven't killed myself is logistics. I mean I can't be arsed getting my affairs in order and I don't want to leave it for someone else to do, it wouldn't be fair. A strange way of seeing it I admit but I have a compelling sense of duty, sometimes.

untitled 01/09

you slept while it snowed 
white covered the street

my balance was lost 
nature took its due

wanting to take flight 
with you awakened

over that powder 
cut, stabbed, slashed and bruised

we fly together 
wrapped in heaven

coming down to land 
we have each other

the snow is melting 
but you have my warmth

Finally

Finished my first book this year the other day. Gangsta Rap by Benjamin Zephaniah. It was aimed at teenagers and dealt with things they go through without being patronising which I thought was cool and wished it was around when I was a teen.