mick's mixed up

I feel like everyone is playing a game and can only understand in terms of the game and what I want to say or how I feel is outside of the game parameters. I know how to play the game and I do because sometimes it's easier to, but my heart is not in the game.

Just because you believe something doesn't mean it's true and your blind faith in it upsets me, I'm not talking religion but the way in which you live your life. Some of your conduct is admirable but it doesn't mean it will make any difference, short term maybe you experience joy or happiness and maybe it touches others and they are happy. I just can't see its relevance.

It feels arrogant of me to say you can't comprehend outside of your normal way of thinking and to be fair most people are unaware of anything outside their way, I have extraordinary friends who constantly surprise me and challenge my way of thinking but I can't see them making a way through to me. I'm not asking to be saved just to be understood. I can't make someone understand because I can't translate from my game to theirs. 

I feel like I'm losing touch with everything, call it apathy if you want but I know there's a passion deep in there somewhere waiting to be brought back I just can't figure out how to release it. People say just do it or pretend but I don't work that way I need it to be honest and pure and for that to happen I need to find the legend that will lead me to the key then maybe I'll be able to function in your society but I know I'll never be a part of it.

I've tried to relate this in terms you'll understand but I feel my concepts aren't compatible. I also realise that there are probably hundreds and thousands of people that feel the same or similar and I do wonder if they have any insight having possibly travelled the path further than I. For now I'll just be plodding along through a life I'm not sure I want. 

I feel, sometimes, that the only reason I haven't killed myself is logistics. I mean I can't be arsed getting my affairs in order and I don't want to leave it for someone else to do, it wouldn't be fair. A strange way of seeing it I admit but I have a compelling sense of duty, sometimes.