last night and this morning

Just gone to lunch at work feeling a bit dizzy and disoriented. Only had 2 hours sleep last night and everything is weird. It is my first day back in about 12 days so got very tired very quickly. I've eaten but I still feel shaky. I hope I feel better soon I still have another 5 hours to go before I can be free of this soul destroying place. My soul is fragile as it is.

 

Dinner last night was very enjoyable but that was more to do with the company than the food which took an age to arrive. It was as I expected it would be big portions and a warm environment, very working class english imo. Will go again maybe at quieter time though.

 

Need to go eat for fear of fainting at work, oh how fun would that be.

Dancing Queen

Went out last night after dropping off the kids. I had 8 large vodka lemonades so by the time I met my friends in the west end I was starting to feel it.  We carried on drinking and went up for a little dance but I wasn't as good as the last time because I was too drunk but still had a lot of fun. There was a little trouble with the girl we were with having other girls hating on her because she dances so well and is a hottie to boot and some of the men there were trying it on too, no violence though just a little aggression posturing from the blokes.

We left relatively early and I got to bed feeling super tired because I hadn't slept the night before. My sleep was stunted as usual with all the nightmares and surreal dreams that go with that sort of sleep. I had a really bad headache at about 4am but managed to get back to sleep and woke feeling ok.

I'm about to go out for some dinner with my friend from work am looking forward to it. It's nice to have something to look forward to.

let's put our futures behind us

A lot of people spend their lives trying to get more money and a better job because they think it will make them happy then they achieve all these things and are still unhappy. I have a very basic job and very little money and I know fighting for promotion or a new job won't make me any happier and I'm not happy now so status and happiness are entirely unrelated. What I suppose I'm getting at is are these people just naive or do they do it because everybody else is? 

As for my own happiness, I don't think I deserve it to be honest so 'm no longer searching for it. I don't think true happiness exists, I mean you can have moments you enjoy and have things that you will cherish. I think I would rather pursue contentment by which I don't mean complacence or happiness but having what I need to get by in reasonable comfort, obviously you need a little struggle otherwise you would become complacent. 

It sounds easy but it's not. I'm responsible for two young minds who don't understand this concept yet and I have to be careful not to make them think life isn't worth living (sometimes I get to the point where I don't always think it is). I want them to experience joy and wonder but also loss and discomfort amongst others and I think they need these experiences to become well rounded and content and to have a well rounded view of the world in which they live. To have them grow up with the presence of mind to cope with things that are unexpected and undesirable, to be reasonable and rational, to be passionate about things that aren't football like art and music.

I find with my way of thinking some people say I come across negative and unambitious but I don't see things the way they do, At work for example: If they bring in a new initiative or upgrade the systems I can quite easily see the flaws and when I point these out I get shot down and told not not to be negative and when they eventually realise, sometimes months later they won't admit I was right. For negative I read realist and as for ambition I would say I'm over it, I don't want to be the best at anything or have trophies recognising excellence, I don't want fame and fortune, I don't think these things lead to contentment however nice they might seem.

I want to be radical and free and not follow society even though it is so easy to do and I find myself playing along within society because I don't have the nuts to break away from it. 

-

I'm not sure I made any sense, my views and philosophies are mixed up and every time I think I've untangled them new knots appear but I always expect that. I don't think I'll ever get there, I suppose I'm looking at it as something to keep me occupied until I expire. Which is good because it gives me purpose although it's entirely individual. 

There is so much more to say but I can't figure out how to fit it all in and my stream of consciousness keeps breaking and I forget what I'm supposed to be writing, this sometimes occurs between starting a sentence and finishing it which is rather frustrating. 

I think I'll leave it there for now.

Paris Is Burning

I had the usual bunch of nightmares that I can never remember but amongst them was a mangled dream where a dog I saw at Battersea called Arnold was biting my finger, this whole dog thing is beginning to freak me out. Some of my friends and colleagues were in the dream too one of them told me I smelled, the rest is becoming increasingly vague.

The mac is going well not entirely used to the different short keys on the keyboard but I'll get there. It's very light and the battery lasts an age so I'm very pleased.

I haven't heard any new music but am looking forward to the new Franz Ferdinand and Lily Allen albums, I don't even know what else is coming out.

I had a nice lunch yesterday with a friend in Camden Town and it was lovely to catch up and she ended up discovering a whole load more about me and my past. She'd always wanted to know, to unravel the enigma that I am. She's ridiculously intelligent and is one of the few people who can see more than I put out there, other people think they can and I let them but she's the real deal. It's one of the many reasons I love her.

I had lunch today with my friend from work at this place where the tables are like a square foot so it's like a balancing act when the food comes. She was telling me things but I couldn't concentrate on what she was saying and I felt embarrassed but we're meeting on Sunday so we'll have more time and larger tables.

I'm still feeling rather low and it doesn't seem like it's going to end anytime soon, hopefully the move will let me forget about it.

Couldn't be bothered to think of a title so just put what I'm listening to.

Just so you know

I will always let you win

Bits

I'm still gigless so far this year which is disappointing ands the next few months will be tough so probably won't see a band until the summer.

I must start reading again, I've still only read half a book. I miss getting lost in pages and I've plenty of books yet to be read and a few suggestions aswell.

My mate got fired the other day and I'm well gutted he's a good lad and I hope we keep in touch.

I have the strangest feeling of vicarious worry for another friend which seems completely irrational.

The philosopher in me is tearing his hair out because I can't concentrate on one question for more than five seconds.

Do you know how you only notice the air conditioning once it's turned off that's how I feel about the noise in my head.

I quite fancy a Flaming Lamborghini.

And a great big tattoo.

Charlotte Gainsbourg

has the most beautiful voice, if i could only ever hear one more sound it would be her pure sweet tones.

with love and squalor

is how we'll be living in less than 2 weeks and for a long time too but I'm looking forward to the challenge. Go Foxy! RIP Fonsworth

Dogs

I'm moving out!

I got on the wrong tube the other day. I've been riding the tube on my own for about 20 years and I know the system and all its little intricacies like the back of my hand. Getting lost or making mistakes just doesn't happen and because it has now I'm worried.

Ah, to be sure. I remember what that's like, vaguely.

I saw Slumdog Millionaire on Sunday, I was very impressed the music was stunning and for what was technically a love story there was no slushiness I thought all the actors who played the two brothers growing up were really good and Danny Boyle kept it going at a nice pace and kept it edgy. There were also a lot of laughs and a great Bollywood dance scene during the credits which was quite fun.

We went to Pizza Hut afterwards where we were served by a rather nervous girl who was being moaned at by a colleague/boss and with her apologies we were typically British and told her no bother and she seemed more at ease. It was a pleasure to be served by her with refreshing honesty and a genuine smile you can forgive the inexperience. When we got the bill she gave us half off saying he does it so why shouldn't she which was really cool so we gave her a decent tip and made sure she kept it for herself. At least that's how I remember it, I was a bit pissed.

I went to a friends afterwards for a drink and a chat but can't remember what happened off the top of my head.

Yesterday started out good, met a friend for breakfast and went to do various moving out type things and decided to go to the Dogs Home at Battersea to "browse" had a lot of fun looking at all the dogs and some cats, was quite shocked at the amount of staffs on their books as it were. There were some really beautiful dogs there and I felt myself warming to the thought of a pet and left after grabbing some literature and an application form.

As it turns out we're not allowed to keep a pet but it wasn't a waste, I learnt a lot while at the dogs home and was glad some good came of it. We found this out at the estate agents where we handed in our applications and then we went for some chips and called it a night.

I got home and felt really upset and I thought it was because of my friend but after analysing it I was wrong and was just misplacing my feelings. I still don't know why but at least I know it's not her.

I discovered something about myself the other night about why I sometimes go to far. I reckon it's because I want you to hate me as much as i hate myself. My friends will all deny this but I know I'm right, I know I don't see myself the way everyone else does but the same goes for most people they probably don't realise it or it's the reverse of how i feel (they think everybody loves them but everybody thinks they're a twat) I'm never rock solid in my opinions and am open to other views but it will be hard for someone to sway me from this.

meh is not the word

I’m just sitting here, I ain’t saying much I just think
And my eyes don’t move left or right they just blink
I think too deep, and I think too long
Plus I think I’m getting weak cos my thoughts are too strong
- Sittin' Here, Dizzee Rascal

That's me right now. I can't get out of this low period. I'm falling to pieces under the pressure of all the thoughts running through my head none of which are clear they're just fleeting and fuzzy. Concentration levels are really low, i'm finding it difficult just to keep writting.

I had lunch with a friend today who said she was so upset to see that I was hurting and so lacking in confidence and to keep taking knocks the way I do which just about broke my heart. I don't know how I managed not to burst in to tears right there in front of her and the entire cafe. At once I felt loved and secure.

tafn i can't write anymore

because i'm all that...

I swear I'm getting thicker.

Punctuation, grammar and spelling is up the wall. I keep forgetting simple things. I'm becoming less and less sure of myself.

It's quite scary but interesting in an odd way.

A while back I said I had no fear but that's changed, now I'm scared of lots of things of which there are too many too mention.

Most of this is irrelevant because my sense of self worth is lower than rock bottom, I can't even decide on whether or not I want to live or die

flux

It's getting ridiculous. I felt brilliant the other day and now I'm back down in the dumps. Fuck fuck fuck.. I'm a problem solver but part of the equation is lost to me. I'm caught bouncing from the highs and lows, it's really getting to me.

Do you know the real answer?

I was born to be a dancer

The mind wanted to but the body let it down.

I was supposed to go to a gallery but we had lunch instead and was persuaded to come out later on. I went home to rest and I got a call from some friends who were in the west end so went straight back out again.

We had a few in the pub and went to Yates's Wine Lodge :shudder: ordered some slippery nipples which looked more like cellulite. We talked about the music most of which was pants but every once in a while the played a tune I loved from back in the day like Regulate or Here comes the Hotstepper and I was just nodding my head and my friend was itching to dance so she just got up and did it. She can certainly move, I was in awe most people in the surrounding area were. I don't know why I decided to get up but I did and I was free. She was impressed and dragged me off to the middle of the dancefloor. We danced and danced and danced, I felt good and a circle formed around us I didn't care, I was exhilarated and I was throwing mad shapes all over the place. I was getting tired though and after every song she'd say one more and I couldn't refuse. Eventually we sat back down and she was so happy for me after seeing how I was so low before.

When I got outside a man came up to me praising my dancing and my friends we're saying "see, if strangers are telling you how good you are you should just accept it." I find it really difficult to take praise. I relented and basked in its sweaty glow.

The night went on but that's enough for now

nb Alternative titles stolen from songs:

Show us your special move (Arctic Monkeys)

I could have danced all night and still have begged for more (My Fair Lady)

Are we human or are we dancers (The Killers)

...we're dancers in the dark. (Bat for Lashes)

16

Once you’ve been tagged, you have to write a note with 16 random things, facts, habits or goals about you. At the end choose 10 people to be tagged, listing their names and why you chose them.

1 I have 3 Tattoos (My sons names and libertine)

2 I can't see myself getting to old age

3 Keep having dreams about my friends dog

4 Guilty Pleasure: Rapping along really loud and (I think) competently to Biggie's One More Chance (Album version though)

5 Think I maybe addicted to diet coke

6 Sometimes I feel as witty as Wilde and others like a babbling idiot

7 Once drank so much I got thrown out of a cinema because someone complained about the
smell of sick emanating from my jeans

8 I think I may be diabetic but won't see a doctor

9 I've started to feel sorry for the people I used to be jealous of

10 Enjoyed the contrast between two of my favourite authors of 08, Bukowski & Zepheniah, One's chaos and the other's peace

11 I never really wanted to get married

12 Last time I cried: New Year's Day (was previously Looking for Alaska when I originally wrote
this)

13 History with women: Kissed 4 & Slept with 2

14 No longer very good at keeping promises (was previously exemplary)

15 Would switch teams for far more blokes than I'm comfortable with

16 Don't think I'll ever fall in love

Foxy

Hello this is The Foxy Pad, Michael speaking, how may I direct your call?

I think it could work, I think we all like eachother and are grown up enough to live together harmoniously. I can seem unenthusiastic about the whole thing but I'm not. I'm looking forward to us all in the living room lazing about after dinner watching TV, it makes me feel warm like I'm gaining a new family. I'm looking forward to the five of us (my two friends, the dog, Christopher and I) just doing the everyday things that make life tick by.

It will be a new start for me and hopefully it will lift my spirits. I can't seem to get out of this current depression. It could be good for me to become part of a new household, to play a proper role in something more important than whatever it is that I'm doing now that makes me feel so low.

Foxy Pad beckons and I'm being uncharacteristically optimistic but scared at the same time, it's got my stomach in knots and my head in a spin I can hardly think straight.

2009...

...and I'm feeling fine. Complete bollocks, actually I wanted to die but it rhymed and I wanted to write it down.

I broke down on the first and I still don't know why. I called my best friend out of the New Year party and said to her I just couldn't do it anymore. She asked me what the matter was and I said I didn't know and just started crying. I felt like I couldn't stop, she comforted me.

I should have gone home but I went to see another friend. She's new, I've only known her a matter of days, and she seems quite nice and I feel comfortable with her (we spent the night with another friend in bed together I thought it was quite fun and funny however being my paranoid self I didn't feel she was entirely comfortable with me, I still don't) and am looking forward to seeing how our relationship progresses. I wonder what she must think of my actions since we met which makes me feel embarrassed. As you can see I still haven't got over my ridiculous paranoia.

I got home that morning at 9.30 emotionally drained and went to sleep nearly straight away but it was fitful and full of nightmares but I felt a little better when I got up. I called my best friend to let her know I was still here, something she never doubted. I was tired so I went to bed and just watched nothing on telly.

The next day I woke up feeling a lot worse and I did nothing all day. I felt so crushed it was hard to breathe but it wasn't as bad as on Thursday when I wanted to die.

Today I'm supposed to be going to a gallery with my latest friend, I hope it happens because I need to see her, I've been lonely. Then I should be going out with work mates but I don't know if I will because I don't want to be in a drinking environment.