2009...

...and I'm feeling fine. Complete bollocks, actually I wanted to die but it rhymed and I wanted to write it down.

I broke down on the first and I still don't know why. I called my best friend out of the New Year party and said to her I just couldn't do it anymore. She asked me what the matter was and I said I didn't know and just started crying. I felt like I couldn't stop, she comforted me.

I should have gone home but I went to see another friend. She's new, I've only known her a matter of days, and she seems quite nice and I feel comfortable with her (we spent the night with another friend in bed together I thought it was quite fun and funny however being my paranoid self I didn't feel she was entirely comfortable with me, I still don't) and am looking forward to seeing how our relationship progresses. I wonder what she must think of my actions since we met which makes me feel embarrassed. As you can see I still haven't got over my ridiculous paranoia.

I got home that morning at 9.30 emotionally drained and went to sleep nearly straight away but it was fitful and full of nightmares but I felt a little better when I got up. I called my best friend to let her know I was still here, something she never doubted. I was tired so I went to bed and just watched nothing on telly.

The next day I woke up feeling a lot worse and I did nothing all day. I felt so crushed it was hard to breathe but it wasn't as bad as on Thursday when I wanted to die.

Today I'm supposed to be going to a gallery with my latest friend, I hope it happens because I need to see her, I've been lonely. Then I should be going out with work mates but I don't know if I will because I don't want to be in a drinking environment.