yeah baby

I woke up today in a slightly better mood.  The weekend was quite emotional for me to be honest, I felt like I was drowning. It was good for the most part and I had a lot of fun looking round the markets and eating a moos boosh burger which was fantastic, but I kept losing myself in a sea of depression every time I took a breath I swallowed more of that sea. I've a fair idea why but it's just one amongst many reasons for feeling shitty.

 

I stopped drinking 10 days ago and that will have something to do with it too but on the surface I haven't been craving a drink which I think is quite cool. I haven't set a date or given a reason for doing it because it just adds unnecessary pressure. I've even been out to a birthday, a gig and an after work drink up and was totally fine for the most part, there was a little awkwardness at times when everyone was a bit far gone and I was still in control in which I felt guilt and jealousy and pressure to name a few. I couldn't tell you why though, it also made me a little sad.

 

I was talking with someone who made me remember the times I was feeling a whole lot better about myself just to say you can have that again and I believed her, I still do but I know it will be hard to get over these obstacles and find those times again and be comfortable and contented.

 

I don't really feel any different after stopping the drink, my memory is still fucked and I still do stupid things so I can't really blame the drinking. I don't feel any better physically or mentally but I will persevere even though it's looking easy at the moment i know it will get harder. I should really change my diet which I think is the bigger problem (bigger being the operative word) but I am still in a bad place which means I can't see the point of any of this. Having said that there are things and people I wanna hang around for like friends (old and new) who I'm interested in knowing about and music, there's so much music, I really want my faith back. Someone has faith in me which made me feel so special I almost melted there and then but I think it's unfair that I don't have faith that I can offer in return. I believe in her and her ability but it's not faith and that makes me sad. I think if I can find my faith I may want to stay around for the long run.

 

She showed me that I need something to concentrate on and it has helped considerably. I now have my writing mojo back and I  find myself wanting to write more and more. Mostly it's not creative which is fine for now but at least I'm blogging more consistently. I feel quite inspired, who knows what I'll be able to come up with if I carry on feeling this.

 

I think this has been a more positive blog than most of late and that also makes me smile.

 

ttfn