Unorganised Mind

I've been off work for the last fortnight and I pretty much wasted the entire time. I saw three gigs, read half a book, bought a whole bunch of records and messed up my sleep patterns. My only plan was to go to the coast for a day didn't happen, in fact I left the house very few times and only for a few hours at most.

The whole reason I took time off was to be away from and to not think about the office. This didn't happen either, the second part obviously. I can't help it, it seems to be all consuming, a strain and a constant source of stress for me. It's mentally exhausting which has physical manifestations.

I don't even feel real half the time. Or relevant or human just inconsequential.

I consume but don't contribute anything worthy of society. I'm trapped in my self. My view is askew, I wonder if everyone else's is.

Do I care, about the right things, am I supposed to. Am I even thinking my own thoughts.

I can't think of anything, good, that I've not fucked up in some way, that is me.

Where is my goodness, extroversion, happiness, reckless abandon, trust?

I know exactly where my jealousy, bitterness and resentment are, along with an unsettling understanding of where they come from.

I feel drunk, the bad drunk, even though I haven't had a drink in over a month.

Dubstep is making me feel small in a sparse unforgiving city as well as cocooned tightly within it.

Should I make a will.

I find it a chore to talk to anybody, after the niceties any kind of intelligent conversation appears to allude me, I have nothing to say worth saying.

I miss people who were never there, where I was at least.

Is it supposed to be like this.