WTF is wrong with me?

I don't remember much about this weekend!

I dropped the kids home and went to an old haunt in Dalston, which had a golf club behind the bar that looked used, where I drank and wrote in my journal and chatted with the locals for a couple of hours. I should've went home at this point but instead I went to my local to carry on drinking and I met a mate's brother and we drank together for a while. This is where it gets hazy. For some reason I was sat round a table full of people I didn't know talking about god only knows what. The next thing I know all hell breaks loose and I'm stopping someone from chasing someone else out of the pub and he's saying who's this cunt and I remember being short of breath and I went outside to see what was going on, one of the bar staff was telling me to get my drinking buddies to leave. I went across to them and we did end up leaving but how it dissipated I'll never know.

The night was interspersed with drunken texts to people on my phone as well.

The next day I couldn't do anything, I felt really down and guilty the just for the day, the guilt is a result of the drink/text combo. I hadn't done it for a long time and I'm sure it's nothing to worry about but I can't shake the guilt til the next day the depression lasted for the day too.

Sunday I felt better and went for a walk but ended up in the pub again, I only stayed for a couple and had a bite to eat with it and read over what I'd written in my journal and remember most of it bar one passage, the last. This is it unedited.

"I don't know how long she can keep it going before she lets go in the wrong way. I really believe this but I could be mistaken. I love her to pieces and it ????? when the facade drops and I see the real girl inside."

Fiction or not I don't know, I have no idea what it means in the slightest. The question marks is a word I can't make out, I have atrocious hand writing but I think it says works which doesn't fit but I was pished so..

Before this weekend I'd had one drink in about two weeks and I have no plans to drink in such copious amounts anytime soon, although I'll probably do just that because I'm weak.

At least I was trying to stop someone fighting instead of jumping in, a small saving grace to know I'm not a thug and morally I'm in the right place.

EDIT: It turns out the missing word is hurts, who knew!