untitled?

I have to be at work in a few hours, having not been there for a fortnight it feels odd to go back. It's not like this is my first holiday or anything but this time it seems different. Or the same, I can't remember. I'm not happy, I don't think I remember the last time I was really happy, there have been moments don't get me wrong but this current bout of gloominess feels really heavy on my heart.

Giving up the drink is proving difficult I did go out one night and not drink while everyone else was. I like the people I was with and watching them edge in to inebriation was grating. There was also the vicarious worry for my friends girlfriend being late which wasn't entirely unfounded (as it turned out she was safe at home). those two things made me feel uneasy. If I wasn't alone in my sobriety it might help.

If I wasn't alone fullstop it might help. The time I spend with others feels like a chore at times and I'd much rather be somewhere else. My time off was supposed to be spent far more wisely than it was. It just felt like a quick succession of peaks and troughs of something resembling emotion.

The last book I read was The Bedroom Secrets of the Masterchefs and it had two main characters, Danny Skinner who was a heavy drinking, drug taking, shagging, hooligan. And Brian Kibby who was pretty much the opposite. At certain times I would relate to Skinner and others Kibby, not there good points though, always there negative aspects ie: Skinner's drinking and Kibby's social ineptitude. The two sides of my personality coin.

I'm at a low at the moment but I don't think it's the drink because I haven't had one since Thursday and music has been my only indulgence til now. Music seems to be the only constant, it's there through all the moods and emotions I give out.

I'm not sure what to do to get out of this feeling or mood or whatever it is.

It feels like forever since I blogged about something good, oh well hopefully it won't be much longer...

Must get dressed for another day in that hellhole of a job, that's another thing that doesn't help but that's another blog.