Five years!

Bowie spun round and round. His voice pulsing through the room as the poison pulsed through my damaged, failing body. The beat kept me focused on nothing but the music. The rise and fall of Ziggy Stardust and of my chest. My lungs gasping for air through lips mouthing his words. Words I'd mouthed many times before. I was in love with the music my faithful mistress fucking for forty minutes. My heart raced but I was still, fighting the urge to bounce off the walls. My senses felt heightened like i was hyper-aware, even though it was dark all the furniture scattered around the room was in sharp focus, the sheets on my bed felt crisp to touch and the spiders from mars were crystal clear. I felt calmer when we got to Suffragette City and I was ready to commit Rock and Roll Suicide.

I was neither high nor low just still, wondering about the equilibrium and precarious a fulcrum it was balanced on.

My mind drifted to the back streets of Clerkenwell on a mild Sunday morning where I felt at peace. My back to St Paul's, I took in the architecture, the skyline created and then turned my head to study the flagstone and tarmac and everything else that made up the surface I pounded. The same as every other street in London but the cracked and broken flags and the yellow lines felt more real here like they'd been trodden upon by those more deserving of life. They left a permanent invisible mark which I'd accidentally stumbled across. It fascinated me no end. I would sit on the curb and breathe it all in trying to suck up the remnants of deserved lives maybe hoping I deserved to live too.

3030303030303030

I didn't think I'd feel so affected by this milestone and nothing more. Is it my middle age? midlife crisis? fear of an unknown era? all three? who knows? I just want to lose myself in my twenties and maybe never return , played darts today and kicked everybodies arse, wonders if the fun will cease with the new era?

Rationally there is no need to worry and generally I'm laid back so it's against the flow for me to worry.

Keep dreaming of Bella and co, it's absolutely fucking bizarre. I've nearly finished Eclipse and I keep dreaming of a vampire Bella who doesn't crave blood and fits right in with the stat quo.

Feeling rather shitty in general but sure I will get over it and last into my thirties some way at least.

Roll on adulthood I assume

Well, Happy Birthday to me &c

2929292929292929292929

I wasn't bothered before, about turning 30, but now it seems to be bearing down on me. I suppose maybe I'm just anxious to get it over with. To mark "the end of an era" as it where there will be a gathering I'm not particularly looking forward to. I don't do too great with more than one or two people at a time and there is plenty of scope for disaster in fact I'm a serious flight risk. One of the few people I wanted to see won't be there which makes me sad. This is the last landmark birthday for a long time so maybe the greater emphasis is cause for greater anxiety.

Been listening to a lot of CDs recently. Martha Wainwright, Norah Jones, Robert Plant & Alison Krauss, Biggie & 2pac and so on. While reading the Twilight books wondering or wishing for a Cullen to turn me eternally twenty nine.

Work keeps throwing up a few surprises, making firmer friendships which I'd kinda given up on attempting to start really.

Will try to post before the end.

so long

Books this year update

I read a few plays and poetry as a bit of a cheat they are not in any particular order:

1 20 Fragments of a Raveous Youth - Xiaolu Guo. 20 chapter translation of a girl who goes to Beijing to find her fortune.

2 A Concise Chinese-English Dictionary For Lovers - Xiaolu Guo. Written as if the author is learning English getting better as the novel progresses, nice thoughts on what it must be like to live in an entirely new place not knowing the language, was built on a bit of a shoddy premise though.

3 Pygmalion - George Bernard Shaw. A lot more harsh than the musical adaptation.

4 The City of Dreaming Books - Walter Moers. A fabulous world of literary dinosaurs and strange one eyed cave dwellers intent on learning a particular authors complete works, great adventure.

5 Breakfast at Tiffany's - Truman Capote.

6 Look We Have Coming to Dover! - Daljit Nagra. Good poetry mainly about being Asian in Britain and getting on with life

7 The Colossus - Sylvia Plath. Very dark but I identified with what I could understand.

8 By Grand Central Station I Sat Down and Wept - Elizabeth Smart. Beautiful poetic prose about an affair and what it meant to the author very depressing at times, she wanted to en her life an awful lot, I sympathised greatly.

9 On Chesil Beach - Ian McEwan. The story of the wedding night and each partners anxieties of what was about to happen, set in an odd time I thought 1962 seemingly between eras, probably just me.

10 Atonement - Ian McEwan. Beautifully written story of two sisters and a young man who's' life was changed by the juvenile jealousy of the younger sister.

11 The Bedroom Secrets of the Master Chefs - Irvine Welsh. Two opposite men one super confident the other shy and geeky end up swapping bodies trying to ruin eachothers lives

12 If You Liked School You'll Love Work - Irvine Welsh

13 Come On In: New Poems - Charles Bukowski. My first exposure to Bukowski, was very impressed with the realism and flow of the work

14 20 Love Poems and a Song of Despair - Pablo Neruda. Bought for the song of despair, but that's just me. Very simple so easy to translate and even so very evocative of the feelings of love.

15 Rapture - Carol Ann Duffy. Beautiful collection by Duffy also very simple and evocative.

16 The Good Soul of Szechuan - Bertolt Brecht

17 Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf - Edward Albee. Didn't get a lot of the dark humour or the older couples relationship at first, grasped it towards the end though, very good.

18 Rumo - Walter Moers. Adventure about a dog cum deer trying to find then save his love and find his place in the world.

19 Crime - Irvine Welsh. Great book about a cop on holiday in Florida who comes across these guys attempting to kidnap a kid to abuse her. all this after cracking a similar case back home.

20 The Outsiders -S.E. Hinton. Amazing, wish I'd read it as a teen

21 The Vortex - Noel Coward*

22 London's Forgotten Children - Gillian Pugh*

23 The Slow train to Milan - Lisa St Aubin de Terán. Still don't know why this book is so good but is a great escape. About a girl who runs off with these guys all over Italy and France just seemingly going with the flow.

24 The 13 and a half Lives of Captain Bluebear - Walter Moers. Another great Moers Fantasy in which a blue bear writes his demi-autobiography some great adventures.

25 The Captain's Verses - Pablo Neruda. More great poetry from Neruda, published anonymously for a few years before deciding to put his name to it all about the same girl I think.

26 For You A libretto - Ian McEwan

27 Twilight - Stephenie Meyer

28 Prozac Nation - Elizabeth Wurtzel. Stopped reading halfway through as I empathised way too much with Elizabeth. Finished eventually was glad of a brighter ending.

29 New Moon - Stephenie Meyer*

*reading at the mo.

Twilight

I just finished reading Twilight and I really loved the way it was written. I could have imagined reading it as a teenager but then again I was a twat when I was a teenager and probably wouldn't have got it. It's a very easy read a real page turner, I read slowly and had it read in a day and a half. The prose provokes memories of feelings I had long ago and I could really identify with Bella being hopelessly in love with Edward and all the anxieties that go with it to the point where I was beginning to become attracted to Edward, that's how well I thought she wrote. I also really loved the fresh perspective on vampires thinking it might just be a Buffy rip off, it was nothing of the sort. It was just the bit of escapism I needed right now. Thanks Nicole for recommending these books I'm looking forward to seeing what happens next.

Back to the real world! My friend was in Hospital recently, she's OK now but I was really worried at the time. After I'd seen her and realised she was good I went out and got extremely plastered all over Camden Town and don't really remember anything apart from an empty wallet and a guilty feeling. I can't fathom why I'm so stupid. I know I am still in my self destructive mode but there are better ways I'm sure. I've damaged my body so much recently I'm surprised I haven't fallen to pieces physically, mentally it's a different story, I have good days but they are generally marred by that omnipresent shadow.

They tell me they love me but I can't ever believe them (I know I've said it before but it's still true). I can't figure out the key to accepting this love, I feel like a cunt to be pretty much throwing it back in their faces. They say it's not my fault and I know I'd be worse without them.

...

The Cunts Inbetween

We were chatting and came up with a third type of person, one that separates the good from eachother. Women and Men who take advantage of the fact we care and they don't and go about ruining your life be any means violent physically, psychologically and emotionally. I have scars mainly invisible unless the implicitly trusted few probe with the right words. I don't feel trusted for some reason, I digress.

Because of people like this I don't feel that I can enter in to any kind of relationship other than friendship. I made friends with someone a while back and maybe before I would have fallen for her but I haven't, we're great friends now and I love her unreservedly, she got me through a few rough times.

Apart from people I've lost contact with I can count true friends on one hand and I suppose that's the way it should be.

"But it's like we weren't made for this world (Though I wouldn't really want to meet someone who was)"

Sometimes I feel jealous even of these people who harbour so much hate they can treat people that way, they are the people who were made for this world and me and my best friend weren't maybe that's why the urge to leave it is so strong in us.

I'm also envious of people with faith of any kind, I just don't believe in anything anymore.

"If you've lost your faith in love and music then the end won't be long"

I want to have faith even if it's only in something small.

Is it better to have loved and lost. I don't know if I have loved. I can't believe I loved my ex but I do love my best friends and if one of them disappeared I know I would grow more faint at the very least, I don't see any way back.

what is feelings

I feel awful. Do you know when you have a fake smile on all day and your mouth hurts at the end well that's how my body and mind feel right now after putting on the fakery to get me through work with out tearing someones head off or my own.

Everyone has gone home now so I can relax but something's got my back up and I can't quite put my finger on it.

I had a great long chat with my best friend the other day and there were tears and truths and hugs but not much hope. I'm in a bad place (this is a blog about me so I won't go in to their issues, in case it looks a bit selfish I do actually care for them a great deal more than i do anything else) and even with the reassuring words of my true friends I can't claw my way out I'm wondering whether or not I can be saved or even if I deserve to be.

I can't get to grips with simple concepts like good and bad or right and wrong or faith recently damned philosophy. So I can't put myself in to a category if I refuse to believe in them. I know I'm not making myself clear but I need to write.

I've noticed I haven't cried much recently bar the above. I don't know how to feel about that, I've wanted to but nothing maybe I've used up my quota who knows.

I'm reaching out I suppose but for what I have no idea.

As usual there is more but alas they are probably lost to the mists of time and memory.

That dread feeling is worse than ever

I don't know what to do about it. I'm too close for comfort.I deserve it. I can't explain why like I can't explain how planes stay in the air I just know they do and I do.

The weakend

The weekend though not exactly lost was spent lazily reading The Slow Train to Milan and drinking vodka and beer. I can't review a book to save my life so I won't. I'll just say I couldn't put it down.

There is someone I love and they did something that made me love them more it was only a small thing but I don't even think they realise I love them, I don't mind for the moment. My head is so full of fucked up-ness telling them would come out wrong and ruin a perfectly good relationship as it stands. I suppose some things are better left unsaid, most of these things are floating around in my head somewhere and as such am quiet to the point of arrogance in some people's eyes. I'm just naturally quiet, someone put a great spin on it: I'm a person person not a people person, one on one's suit me fine I can give my full attention and receive it in kind, everything for me tends to come out "deep" when others can just have a lightness of touch as it were.

I'm back in my mire as you can probably tell nothing changed to put me there it just happened as I knew it would.

I used to want to resort to violence but it was never really me. I keep thinking about the easy way out but know I will never take it instead I just live recklessly destroying organs trying to forget it all.

One positive thing, I have an anchor however unstable it keeps me moored but I fear it's tenuous links crumbling no matter how much I help. The water is too deep to know what the anchor is anchored to.

Lost, Season 29 finale

Today I feel lost.

 

I've come in to work to do overtime and am currently an hour early sitting here listening to Beethoven's 9th wondering what the rest of the day will bring. I'm thinking too much it won't stop, it's like my mind has a mind of its own. I seem to be spending an inordinate amount of time on auto-pilot, going through the motions for whose benefit, not mine. Look at me I'm a shell protecting what's inside or maybe just hiding it from those who could help. I wear my heart on my sleeve but hardly anyone is let in. I think I'm reasonably candid about myself but there is so much most of you don't know, I'm getting too good at keeping it all in, I can divert or digress and throw you off course if I want to. Some people like to play games so I play along giving an image they want to see and let them think they are right about me. Some people think I'm an idiot and I let them but only I know I'm a fool.

 

When the people I love and trust want to help me I'm a trifle stifled (to understate in a slightly humorous way), I just can't get the words out. I will see such a person today and I know I won't say anything to her, I will make jokes and be a real boy to hide my plastic heart.

 

Have to go the rest of the world is coming.

 

Season 30 coming August 20 watch out for teasers