catch up

I've been listening to a lot of hip hop recently. I think it's because the usual stuff I listen to isn't helping my low mood.

 

I saw an old friend when I went for a walk yesterday and It was really great to see her again.

 

Last night I was so tired I tried to have a conversation with my voicemail and slept a long time but really badly.

 

Today I cried when reading about David Cameron's Son.

 

Am going out to Death Disco tonight should be fun and apparently a certain Scottish band are playing too, how cool would that be.

 

I think I had a row but can't be sure.

 

I'm out tonight, tomorrow, Friday and Saturday I'm gonna be so fucked by the end of this week not to mention poor

First Love

Things appear to be looking up!

I'll obviously need to work at it but I do have an urge to take part in your world. My friend is back in Blighty and I got to see her but not a chance to catch up. I've been making new friends quite quickly and it seems to be easy, on the surface at least, I actually have to try very hard and sometimes it's not worth it.

Sometimes I feel like it's just something to pass the time until you die but since figuring out why I've been feeling crappy recently I feel like it's worth it.

My friend and I held hands walking down the street today and it was so comfortable. I'd forgotten what it was like to touch someone like that, it was nice and natural I wonder if they thought so too. For me touch is quite important, it makes the connection more real. A friend recently jumped on me after not having seen them for a while and it was amazing it compounded the fact she missed me which I may not have believed if she'd have said it from across the room. Without sounding too creepy it's really very nice when I can smell the other person it's an amazing sensation as is the tight grip of a hug or the brush of lips on cheeks. In all honesty it makes me feel loved.

Someone in my life has the potential to make things change for the good and I'm wondering how that will pan out. I'm just wondering how long it will take for me to sabotage it.

tafn

I know what but not why

I'm not gonna do it! That much is obvious however I will continue to obsess over it. It sounds harsh and maybe I've said it before but I see no reasons for being.

I will continue to be and will continue to slowly destroy myself.

I cried yesterday for something I didn't cry over when it happened over four years ago.

People think it's the drink or- or my marriage break up but these are just things that have exacerbated it. I've felt this way for as long as I can remember and mostly when you see me happy it's a front to get by without the hassle.

Recently I have lots to feel good about (there's even been genuine smiles) and it sounds contradictory but I'll enjoy it while I can and maybe that will be for the rest of my life.

mick's mixed up

I feel like everyone is playing a game and can only understand in terms of the game and what I want to say or how I feel is outside of the game parameters. I know how to play the game and I do because sometimes it's easier to, but my heart is not in the game.

Just because you believe something doesn't mean it's true and your blind faith in it upsets me, I'm not talking religion but the way in which you live your life. Some of your conduct is admirable but it doesn't mean it will make any difference, short term maybe you experience joy or happiness and maybe it touches others and they are happy. I just can't see its relevance.

It feels arrogant of me to say you can't comprehend outside of your normal way of thinking and to be fair most people are unaware of anything outside their way, I have extraordinary friends who constantly surprise me and challenge my way of thinking but I can't see them making a way through to me. I'm not asking to be saved just to be understood. I can't make someone understand because I can't translate from my game to theirs. 

I feel like I'm losing touch with everything, call it apathy if you want but I know there's a passion deep in there somewhere waiting to be brought back I just can't figure out how to release it. People say just do it or pretend but I don't work that way I need it to be honest and pure and for that to happen I need to find the legend that will lead me to the key then maybe I'll be able to function in your society but I know I'll never be a part of it.

I've tried to relate this in terms you'll understand but I feel my concepts aren't compatible. I also realise that there are probably hundreds and thousands of people that feel the same or similar and I do wonder if they have any insight having possibly travelled the path further than I. For now I'll just be plodding along through a life I'm not sure I want. 

I feel, sometimes, that the only reason I haven't killed myself is logistics. I mean I can't be arsed getting my affairs in order and I don't want to leave it for someone else to do, it wouldn't be fair. A strange way of seeing it I admit but I have a compelling sense of duty, sometimes.

untitled 01/09

you slept while it snowed 
white covered the street

my balance was lost 
nature took its due

wanting to take flight 
with you awakened

over that powder 
cut, stabbed, slashed and bruised

we fly together 
wrapped in heaven

coming down to land 
we have each other

the snow is melting 
but you have my warmth

Finally

Finished my first book this year the other day. Gangsta Rap by Benjamin Zephaniah. It was aimed at teenagers and dealt with things they go through without being patronising which I thought was cool and wished it was around when I was a teen.

last night and this morning

Just gone to lunch at work feeling a bit dizzy and disoriented. Only had 2 hours sleep last night and everything is weird. It is my first day back in about 12 days so got very tired very quickly. I've eaten but I still feel shaky. I hope I feel better soon I still have another 5 hours to go before I can be free of this soul destroying place. My soul is fragile as it is.

 

Dinner last night was very enjoyable but that was more to do with the company than the food which took an age to arrive. It was as I expected it would be big portions and a warm environment, very working class english imo. Will go again maybe at quieter time though.

 

Need to go eat for fear of fainting at work, oh how fun would that be.

Dancing Queen

Went out last night after dropping off the kids. I had 8 large vodka lemonades so by the time I met my friends in the west end I was starting to feel it.  We carried on drinking and went up for a little dance but I wasn't as good as the last time because I was too drunk but still had a lot of fun. There was a little trouble with the girl we were with having other girls hating on her because she dances so well and is a hottie to boot and some of the men there were trying it on too, no violence though just a little aggression posturing from the blokes.

We left relatively early and I got to bed feeling super tired because I hadn't slept the night before. My sleep was stunted as usual with all the nightmares and surreal dreams that go with that sort of sleep. I had a really bad headache at about 4am but managed to get back to sleep and woke feeling ok.

I'm about to go out for some dinner with my friend from work am looking forward to it. It's nice to have something to look forward to.

let's put our futures behind us

A lot of people spend their lives trying to get more money and a better job because they think it will make them happy then they achieve all these things and are still unhappy. I have a very basic job and very little money and I know fighting for promotion or a new job won't make me any happier and I'm not happy now so status and happiness are entirely unrelated. What I suppose I'm getting at is are these people just naive or do they do it because everybody else is? 

As for my own happiness, I don't think I deserve it to be honest so 'm no longer searching for it. I don't think true happiness exists, I mean you can have moments you enjoy and have things that you will cherish. I think I would rather pursue contentment by which I don't mean complacence or happiness but having what I need to get by in reasonable comfort, obviously you need a little struggle otherwise you would become complacent. 

It sounds easy but it's not. I'm responsible for two young minds who don't understand this concept yet and I have to be careful not to make them think life isn't worth living (sometimes I get to the point where I don't always think it is). I want them to experience joy and wonder but also loss and discomfort amongst others and I think they need these experiences to become well rounded and content and to have a well rounded view of the world in which they live. To have them grow up with the presence of mind to cope with things that are unexpected and undesirable, to be reasonable and rational, to be passionate about things that aren't football like art and music.

I find with my way of thinking some people say I come across negative and unambitious but I don't see things the way they do, At work for example: If they bring in a new initiative or upgrade the systems I can quite easily see the flaws and when I point these out I get shot down and told not not to be negative and when they eventually realise, sometimes months later they won't admit I was right. For negative I read realist and as for ambition I would say I'm over it, I don't want to be the best at anything or have trophies recognising excellence, I don't want fame and fortune, I don't think these things lead to contentment however nice they might seem.

I want to be radical and free and not follow society even though it is so easy to do and I find myself playing along within society because I don't have the nuts to break away from it. 

-

I'm not sure I made any sense, my views and philosophies are mixed up and every time I think I've untangled them new knots appear but I always expect that. I don't think I'll ever get there, I suppose I'm looking at it as something to keep me occupied until I expire. Which is good because it gives me purpose although it's entirely individual. 

There is so much more to say but I can't figure out how to fit it all in and my stream of consciousness keeps breaking and I forget what I'm supposed to be writing, this sometimes occurs between starting a sentence and finishing it which is rather frustrating. 

I think I'll leave it there for now.

Paris Is Burning

I had the usual bunch of nightmares that I can never remember but amongst them was a mangled dream where a dog I saw at Battersea called Arnold was biting my finger, this whole dog thing is beginning to freak me out. Some of my friends and colleagues were in the dream too one of them told me I smelled, the rest is becoming increasingly vague.

The mac is going well not entirely used to the different short keys on the keyboard but I'll get there. It's very light and the battery lasts an age so I'm very pleased.

I haven't heard any new music but am looking forward to the new Franz Ferdinand and Lily Allen albums, I don't even know what else is coming out.

I had a nice lunch yesterday with a friend in Camden Town and it was lovely to catch up and she ended up discovering a whole load more about me and my past. She'd always wanted to know, to unravel the enigma that I am. She's ridiculously intelligent and is one of the few people who can see more than I put out there, other people think they can and I let them but she's the real deal. It's one of the many reasons I love her.

I had lunch today with my friend from work at this place where the tables are like a square foot so it's like a balancing act when the food comes. She was telling me things but I couldn't concentrate on what she was saying and I felt embarrassed but we're meeting on Sunday so we'll have more time and larger tables.

I'm still feeling rather low and it doesn't seem like it's going to end anytime soon, hopefully the move will let me forget about it.

Couldn't be bothered to think of a title so just put what I'm listening to.