I feel sad now, (what should I call this?)

You complete cunt, she said,
I looked at her non plussed.
Get out of the damn bed,
seethingly as she fussed
Over the bairn who cried
and pierced my ravaged skull.
I love you babe, I lied
this marriage void and null.
You bastard, I hate you,
She saw through my deceit.
She held my child like glue
away from this deadbeat
my baby calls daddy.
I'm sorry, I attempt
I've handled this badly
Go, she says, with contempt.
Go, please get dressed just leave
Let me kiss my baby
She does with tears of grief
whispering I'll see you,
maybe.

So Phil Daniels

got my sister pregnant.

Well I just had to go round there, didn't I.

To his house which happened to be on top of a coach.

Outside the Prince of Wales.

I was cross.

I climbed the scaffold and jumped on to his abode which frightened his wife.

Who was also pregnant.

"You're not the father" I exclaimed.

Something was wrong with this picture.

Never mind.

Phil and I jumped onto a Telephone box.

The one outside O'Neill's.

Battle!

No.

-

I have to run down Drury Lane to Dryden Street

Old Bill in formation, truncheons in hand.

"Move you SUCKAAAAAAAAH" one shouts at me.


I deliberately got in his way you see.

-

I must get my son to school.

In my arms like I was Chow Yun Fat in Hard Boiled.

Arne Street is a warzone.

Through the Alley back on to Drury Lane.

The School's not where it's supposed to be.

An oasis of calm.

My friend you look different.

Like your troubles have vanished.

She smiled.

Noticing my child she ushers us to sanctuary.

-

Alone now.

I made my way up Neal Street in the cold light of dawn.

I saw my sister outside the entrance to the flats.

Other people were there.

It was over

-

This is when I woke up, my arm was frozen numb and I couldn't lift my head. I don't know why I remembered all of this, usually it goes after a few minutes awake. I've no idea what any of it means, if anything at all.

I'm seeing a lass called George Pringle tonight at the Luminaire She's quite cool check her out if you want.

I'm winning, just

Re my last post, I'm feeling a little better since. I've had a rest, thought of nothing in particular and feel ready for... ...something.

Caught up with a friend I hadn't seen in a long while, we had a few drinks at the Somerstown Coffeehouse and a short stroll to Holborn. It was good to see people that actually exist as opposed to fictional characters of my own invention or otherwise (work doesn't count because I've decided it's just a cruel joke my psyche is playing on me).

Today I'm supposed to be going to a gig but I think I'll give it a miss and read instead. At the moment I'm getting lost in the Bookholmian Catacombs, I had to escape Prozac Nation due to too much empathy for Elizabeth, although I will return sometime soon.

I should also get out of the house and stretch my legs and taste that fresh London air we're so proud of. I'll head towards the city which is dead on the weekend and therefore devoid of twats in suits.

I've also been busy rekindling friendships that were in danger of dying out.

My sleeping patterns seem to be much better as well although I had a rather disturbing dream about a recent acquaintance the other night, I wonder what that was all about.

I am currently suffering a lot from TOT with peoples names mainly but other words as well like danger a couple of sentences back which took over a minute to think of.

I other news I've still not taken a drink, it's been nearly two and a half months now and to be honest I'm not feeling a difference healthwise even the worry of making a fool out of myself hasn't left me even though it's probably imaginary. I have always said I would go back to drinking but obviously not to excess. I have a real challenge coming up at a gig I've been invited to by the chaps I used to drink with, I'm sure I'll cope though. My sister will be there and I can lean on her for moral support.

TTFN

Oh me, oh my!

I feel really shitty right now! I'm at work on my lunch break thinking about planing my own funeral as it were. On the verge of tears, I feel like I can't face anybody ever again. I feel like screaming like the guitars on "Do Me a Favour" but I don't think anyone would hear me. I thought a post might ease the feeling that's weighing me down today but to no avail, fuck it.

 

I guess I'll just plough through until sleep takes me, this will be the pattern for the foreseeable future.

Concentrate

I've had a rather restless weekend. It kinda went Sit down, read half a paragraph, stand up, look in the fridge, play half a record, look out the window, sit down, look at facebook, read half a paragraph of a different book, channel surf and so on, pretty much can't keep still for more than five minutes. Can't think why.

Haven't been out for a while but I have a couple of gigs coming up, Velvet Revolver and Serj Tankian I may also go and see DIOYY but I'm not sure yet. I need to get out of doing the same things everyday, I'm finding it difficult to keep my head up recently.

Back to work tomorrow after a four day weekend, it goes without saying that I'm not looking forward to it but a little social interaction might do me some good.

What's it caled when you only have the negative emotions of a crush?

Anyway I'm going to try and listen to Prettyy. Odd. and not just dodder aimlessly about the flat.

This is my life, what's yours?

I just joined this and I really like it I may even attempt one of the ever so slightly longer projects :)

Unorganised Mind

I've been off work for the last fortnight and I pretty much wasted the entire time. I saw three gigs, read half a book, bought a whole bunch of records and messed up my sleep patterns. My only plan was to go to the coast for a day didn't happen, in fact I left the house very few times and only for a few hours at most.

The whole reason I took time off was to be away from and to not think about the office. This didn't happen either, the second part obviously. I can't help it, it seems to be all consuming, a strain and a constant source of stress for me. It's mentally exhausting which has physical manifestations.

I don't even feel real half the time. Or relevant or human just inconsequential.

I consume but don't contribute anything worthy of society. I'm trapped in my self. My view is askew, I wonder if everyone else's is.

Do I care, about the right things, am I supposed to. Am I even thinking my own thoughts.

I can't think of anything, good, that I've not fucked up in some way, that is me.

Where is my goodness, extroversion, happiness, reckless abandon, trust?

I know exactly where my jealousy, bitterness and resentment are, along with an unsettling understanding of where they come from.

I feel drunk, the bad drunk, even though I haven't had a drink in over a month.

Dubstep is making me feel small in a sparse unforgiving city as well as cocooned tightly within it.

Should I make a will.

I find it a chore to talk to anybody, after the niceties any kind of intelligent conversation appears to allude me, I have nothing to say worth saying.

I miss people who were never there, where I was at least.

Is it supposed to be like this.

My Entire Vinyl Collection

I was bored and couldn't sleep so I decided to make a list, here it is:

12s

The Bob Crewe Generation Orchestra - Barbarella OST
Dirty Pretty Things - Waterloo To Anywhere
Dr Dre - Dre Day
Fucked Up - Year Of The Pig/The Black Hats
The Jam -In The City
Curtis Mayfield - Superfly OST
Marlena Shaw - The Spice Of Life
Various - Sixties Mania

10s

The Rascals - Suspicious Wit

7s

Babyshambles - Albion
Babyshambles - Delivery x2
Babyshambles - Fuck Forever
Babyshambles - You Talk
Babyshambles & Friends - Janie Jones
Bishi - Never Seen Your Face
The Cribs - I'm A Realist/Bastards Of Young
The Dead 60's - Stand Up x2
Dirty Pretty Things - Bang Bang You're Dead x2
Dirty Pretty Things - Deadwood
Dirty Pretty Things - Wondering x2
GoodBooks - Passchendaele x2
The Human Value - Give Me
The Magic Numbers - I See You, You See Me
Maximo Park - Girls Who Play Guitar x2
The More Assured - All In Your Head
Mystery Jets - The Boy Who ran Away
Rilo Kiley - The Moneymaker
The Sessions - What Is This Feeling
XX Teens - How To Reduce The Chances Of Becoming A Terror Victim
The White Stripes - Conquest x3
The White Stripes - Icky Thump x2
The White Stripes - You Don't Know What Love Is (You Just Do As You're Told) x2
Yila Featuring Scroobius Pip - Astronaut

I nearly pissed meself when I saw this

I love xkcd

Disco/Inferno

Just sitting here listening to the chilled out sounds of Marlena Shaw (California Soul is sublime)wondering when sleep will take me. The tiredness is taking the form of pressure in my temples. I should be feeling refreshed after a week off work but it's like every time I wake up I panic thinking I'll be late, I should leave all thoughts of that wretched place behind as soon as I walk out the door but it just seems to consume, control, condense my personal time and I'm back there feeling awful.

I've been trying to get lost in music but I'll hear a certain note which reminds of something at work and it all comes undone, grr. I suppose I'll have to train myself to appreciate and make the most of my free time. I did go to one gig and have been for a couple of walks and I've got a few new 12s and 7s which I'm enjoying at the mo (the pressure's easing now).

When I was at the gig I stood by the bar the entire time, thinking about all that's in the bubble at the bottom of the bottle as it were. As I looked at each bottle I remembered "the good ol' days" which is ironic because they are exactly why I don't remember much of them. Either way the feeling of nostalgia was overwhelming but I stuck with coke as the beautiful sounds washed over me bring me back to the present where I realised that those days were indeed good and also very old as it's been so long since I had an experience worthy of the nostalgia, I also realised that it's unlikely to ever happen again anyway.

I was thinking of the days we used to go to each others houses and stay up til 6 listening to bittersweet sixties sounds and we'd either make our way home bleary eyes shy of the bright grey dawn sky or otherwise fall asleep on floors or sofas and at least once in the loo. Sometimes there were nearly twenty of us and someone would have to go and find somewhere to get more booze at 3 in the morning which was doubly hard given the age of us, we managed though, if they're willing to sell out of hours they might aswell sell to underage. There was a certain warmth you felt, like a belonging which I suppose it was however naive it feels now you don't forget how good it felt at the time.

What happened? We done gone gotten ourselves responsibilities damn you! So the late nights are few and far between and you realise, you realise or maybe it's just your body telling you it can't last forever (damned body's got a mind of it's own with it's pesky survival instincts).

Now I am going to listen to Barbarella OST and try not to think about the circle Dante forgot.