WTF is wrong with me?

I don't remember much about this weekend!

I dropped the kids home and went to an old haunt in Dalston, which had a golf club behind the bar that looked used, where I drank and wrote in my journal and chatted with the locals for a couple of hours. I should've went home at this point but instead I went to my local to carry on drinking and I met a mate's brother and we drank together for a while. This is where it gets hazy. For some reason I was sat round a table full of people I didn't know talking about god only knows what. The next thing I know all hell breaks loose and I'm stopping someone from chasing someone else out of the pub and he's saying who's this cunt and I remember being short of breath and I went outside to see what was going on, one of the bar staff was telling me to get my drinking buddies to leave. I went across to them and we did end up leaving but how it dissipated I'll never know.

The night was interspersed with drunken texts to people on my phone as well.

The next day I couldn't do anything, I felt really down and guilty the just for the day, the guilt is a result of the drink/text combo. I hadn't done it for a long time and I'm sure it's nothing to worry about but I can't shake the guilt til the next day the depression lasted for the day too.

Sunday I felt better and went for a walk but ended up in the pub again, I only stayed for a couple and had a bite to eat with it and read over what I'd written in my journal and remember most of it bar one passage, the last. This is it unedited.

"I don't know how long she can keep it going before she lets go in the wrong way. I really believe this but I could be mistaken. I love her to pieces and it ????? when the facade drops and I see the real girl inside."

Fiction or not I don't know, I have no idea what it means in the slightest. The question marks is a word I can't make out, I have atrocious hand writing but I think it says works which doesn't fit but I was pished so..

Before this weekend I'd had one drink in about two weeks and I have no plans to drink in such copious amounts anytime soon, although I'll probably do just that because I'm weak.

At least I was trying to stop someone fighting instead of jumping in, a small saving grace to know I'm not a thug and morally I'm in the right place.

EDIT: It turns out the missing word is hurts, who knew!

The Language of Love

Is it possible to be in love and not want a physical relationship. I mean there are things and people I love but is it different to be in love with them. Or is it just the new use of language where there are less rules and they mean one and the same, or is it different for each individual. There are certain people I feel really passionate about no matter how little I really know them and it feels misplaced sometimes, the passion that is, and I end up with all these feelings I don't know what to do with. Grrr. I know that the way you feel about people changes according to circumstance and I could easily not feel so in love or could fall deeper who knows but what I'm really interested in knowing is are we just using labels to make our feelings easier to pigeon hole, do we really need to, can't we just feel it and not name it and be happy that we can feel it in the first place, could you imagine not being able to feel, even bad feelings....

....I fell asleep writing this and can't remember where I was going with it!?

50 @ 100

Not an exhaustive list but it's me none the less, I tried to get a 50/50 balance but I don't know if it comes accross that way,here goes:

I expect too much of others.

I give people second chances.

I fall in love easily.

I can be selfless.

I have mood swings that baffle me.

I'm generous.

I'm Jealous.

I put others first.

I blush at compliments.

I take things for granted.

I'm happy when it'smy round.

I question my conscious.

I listen.

I'm overweight.

I'm not fussy.

I trust the wrong people.

I'm loyal.

I Care about the unimportant things too much.

I don't "hate" anyone.

I find it hard to say no.

I'm willing to learn

I panic quicker now.

I have a passion for music.

I have low self esteem.

I love to read.

I think too much instead of doing.

I will meet you anywhere at anytime whenever you need me.

I'm clumsy.

I wil give you my coat when you're cold.

I find it awkward talking to people.

I'm good at my job.

I'm emotionally retarded.

I have my heart in the right place though.

I'm socially inept.

I'm honest

I'm not afraid of dying but...

I am afraid of what I'll leave behind for others.

I'm trustworthy

I worry far too much.

I'll look after the bags while you go to the loo.

I suit the word Monotonous.

I don't want anything bar music and love

I drink a lot.

I wear my heart on my sleave.

I eat a lot.

I take responsability for my actions

I'm stubborn.

I'm open minded.

I'm confused.

I'm old fashioned in the sense of holding open doors and walking on the road side of the pavement but not in the stay at home in the kthen biatch sense.

Don't put your trust in walls or What I learned this week

After the weekends highs I fell into a black hole of some sort where I felt ridiculously low and heavy on my chest and in my heart. There was a feeling of impending doom that went straight through me like I was being run through with a bloodied extremity extremely slowly. I spent three days on the verge of tears which did come early on. I can honestly say I've never felt anything like it before, I just didn't know what to do at all. When I was at work I pretty much did everything on autopilot, most of the people thought I was "flu-ey" and I just let them believe it, it was easier than than telling them the truth which was unexplainable anyway.

I still don't know why I was in such a state but I'm not anymore. I think the reason for this was a good old chat with other people. I mean I spoke to Nicole at work for over an hour and a half, we touched on my feelings but it was just a good general chat about nothing in particular. Afterwards I chatted with Kymm for a while but I didn't tell her I was down because she was too distracted with work so I just talked about the good times. When I got home I chatted with Georga on msn for a bit which was extraordinarily reassuring and helpful and lifted my spirits somewhat.I also had an email conversation (at the same time as Georga on msn) with Caz whom I hardly know but extremely fond of where I just poured it all out and in a few short words on her part I was feeling better and it may also have had something to do with a small admission to her on my part that seemed to lift more weight from my tired soul.

Now I'm not ow anymore it feels wrong, which is bad of me to think or feel but I do and I can't help feeling bad about feeling good, well I wouldn't go so far as to say good just better, one step at a time I suppose.

and in no particular order:

I learned south of the river ain't so bad

I learned that it's good to talk

I learned not to assume what others are thinking

I learned that it's OK to like Calvin Harris

I learned I should trust myself

I learned I should trust friends

I'm sure I learned more but...

Far gone on one...

So I just got back from a night and a day with two friends and I'm feeling pretty shitty for some reason. I should be enjoying the memory of a wonderful time but here I am down in the dumps. I love these guys to bits and I will see them tomorrow so I don't think it's missing them that's making me feel blue.

She strode up to the bar and ordered nine sambuccas.

That's how good the night was. The next day was a slightly more subdued affair with a couple of hangovers doing the rounds. We went to Greenwich and looked around the markets and strolled through the park and sat on the heath for a bit. A spot of shopping followed with a near clepto interlude and we went to the station and said our goodbyes.

When I got back in to town I went to the pub but only stayed for a quick pint, I wasn't really in the drinking mood to be honest I wanted to go home and curl up in bed. Which is what I am about to do, I just thought I'd write for a bit to see if it would ease the stress of depression. It feels better having written but not much because I haven't discovered any answers to the ever growing list of questions I pose here.

Do you know when you scream so loud cause it hurts so much but it's in your head, well that's what I'm doing right now.

What made me smile today

A man drinking a pint of Guiness in Burger King

In other news...

still snorkling the depths of my depression, (I say 'my depression' because I know there are people in far worse than I am). I can function within society but it's a front. Am being selfish for now

untitled?

I have to be at work in a few hours, having not been there for a fortnight it feels odd to go back. It's not like this is my first holiday or anything but this time it seems different. Or the same, I can't remember. I'm not happy, I don't think I remember the last time I was really happy, there have been moments don't get me wrong but this current bout of gloominess feels really heavy on my heart.

Giving up the drink is proving difficult I did go out one night and not drink while everyone else was. I like the people I was with and watching them edge in to inebriation was grating. There was also the vicarious worry for my friends girlfriend being late which wasn't entirely unfounded (as it turned out she was safe at home). those two things made me feel uneasy. If I wasn't alone in my sobriety it might help.

If I wasn't alone fullstop it might help. The time I spend with others feels like a chore at times and I'd much rather be somewhere else. My time off was supposed to be spent far more wisely than it was. It just felt like a quick succession of peaks and troughs of something resembling emotion.

The last book I read was The Bedroom Secrets of the Masterchefs and it had two main characters, Danny Skinner who was a heavy drinking, drug taking, shagging, hooligan. And Brian Kibby who was pretty much the opposite. At certain times I would relate to Skinner and others Kibby, not there good points though, always there negative aspects ie: Skinner's drinking and Kibby's social ineptitude. The two sides of my personality coin.

I'm at a low at the moment but I don't think it's the drink because I haven't had one since Thursday and music has been my only indulgence til now. Music seems to be the only constant, it's there through all the moods and emotions I give out.

I'm not sure what to do to get out of this feeling or mood or whatever it is.

It feels like forever since I blogged about something good, oh well hopefully it won't be much longer...

Must get dressed for another day in that hellhole of a job, that's another thing that doesn't help but that's another blog.

dream maker, heart breaker

I went for a really nice walk the other day, I managed to listen to Hissing Fauna, Earthly Pleasures and half of Waterloo to Anywhere, to give you an idea of how long I walked. I walked toward the city but got as far as Holborn Viaduct before deciding to head for the Thames and I thought of erstwhile friends while crossing Blackfriars Bridge to get to the Southbank where it was relatively quiet. I remembered all the times I had been here before with and without other people. The tide was out as far as I'd seen it for a while, my boyish curiosity surfacing, I wanted to go down to the side of the water amongst the driftwood and beer cans, get a closer look at the barges moored a little further out, I always wondered what was in those vessels. I thought of my father, he'd sometimes take us down to the sand and dirty water, we would write our names in the dark, wet sand with sticks which we'd later use to rake across the railings back on the promenade. By the time I came out of my reverie I'd already walked under Waterloo Bridge and there was some sort of party going on under the Hungerford Pier I didn't look down I just felt the bass in my chest. There were more people now, mainly tourists as I neared Hungerford Bridge and the light from the new shops in front of the Royal Festival Hall annoyed me. I knew I wouldn't have to put up with tourists much longer because they rarely went underneath Westminster Bridge, they would climb the steps on to the bridge to get to the palace of Westminster and it's St Stephen's Tower. As I approached, passing by the London Eye and the County Hall with it's Storm Troopers aiming out across the dark river and the Dali sculptures with all the Maccy D litter strewn under them. I entered the damp tunnel glad to leave the tourists behind, looking forward to a quieter walk. On the other side St Thomas's Hospital looked down on me and I thought of the few times I had been in there, when my son was sick, the time my friend had her baby. The rest of the journey on the South side of the Thames was unfamiliar because I had rarely ventured this far west, I carried on under Lambeth and Vauxhall bridges till I could no longer follow the river. I turned back and crossed Vauxhall Bridge, a lot of buses were passing me and I thought I might jump on one because I was getting tired. When I was nearing the other side of the bridge I turned my ankle and had to sit down for a few minutes until the pain eased. Heading back in to town on Millbank, across to Whitehall, over Trafalger Square and home. I didn't do much thinking on the way back, probably because of the pain in my ankle and I didn't enjoy it as much as the Southbank again the pain was a dampener. The South seems to hold all the memories and you look over the river to home, maybe that's why I like it there.

Anyway that's what I did instead of drinking on Satruday night

Edit: I think I've fixed it but for some reason the sentences somehow ended up in the wrong order. I don't think it would make much difference anyway lol :)

Another blog about drinking

I went to Samina's leaving do today but I was still recovering from the excess of the previous night. Sobriety lasted all of four days as I went for it big time starting with four pints in little over half an hour. I did slow down a bit after because John and Diane came in and I chatted with them for a bit, when they left I had one more and went on to another pub where I sat at the bar and had a quick pint, feeling a bit restless I moved on to another pub where I settled with a 1664. A lot of the younger lot from my ends drink in this one for some reason and I chatted with them for a while until they called last orders. I must have had at least twelve pints and coming out tonight I felt a little uneasy but I persevered. I got my first drink at half four and I didn't finish it. I was feeling a bit claustrophobic, which is ironic as Wetherspoons are known for being cavernous, so I said my goodbyes and I left with Wasi and we had a drink in a bar around the corner while she waited for her fella I had a Gin & Orange and she a Cranberry juice. We talked about Old Street and music and relationships and society and drinking and blogging. We went to anothe pub closer to the station where I had a J2O and she a Tea.

Wasi is really cool and for some reason she makes me want to be healthy It's strange but I like it and the calming effect she has on me can only be good. She sings songs too check her out here.

So, only two alcoholic beverages tonight which I'm very happy about but still disappointed about the night before.

That Decision Was Mine

I really like Klaxons but I do think Natasha Khan was robbed oh and who got Lauren Laverne up the duff?

Also didn't The Young Knives look dapper especially The House of Lords and by the way Ade Edmondson is a G