4G

Sunbeams balance on heavy air
through tired eyes. He cracks a smile
The bed is still warm with her scent.
A stretch, a yawn,
Feet in slippers,
Cane in hand and up for some tea
Everyday since September,
Twelfth, Nineteen Seventy Seven
It doesn't get any better than this
His love waits for him at the Kitchen table.

No point

My profile cuts a dark figure on the dirty bedroom wall. The candle nearly dead on the hardwood floor. Windows painted black, painted shut, it smells of sweat and spilt vodka. The room is hazy through my broken eyes but I can see someone else, slim and sleeping on a mattress under a heater that has never worked as if the mere thought of it being there gives off warmth. I know who she is though it takes me a minute to remember and I permit myself a smile before returning to a stony face I'm more comfortable with. Gently, I make my way across the room avoiding various debris and crouch down beside the girl. She stirs sightly but doesn't wake. I sit next to the mattress and move a stray lock from her pale white face and pull up the blanket over her skinny shoulders. The candle has gone out now leaving the sound of the street outside and my heavy breathing and I feel strangely more aware even though I'm tired now.

I hear a lock click in to place and realise it's the only sound I've heard for a while, I look down and see the blanket which covered her is now over my chest the early light is dim through the darkened windows. My cheek is moist and her image still indented on the bedding.

My heart hurts.

So I was out drinking Cristal...

and I've always wanted to say that. It was, in fact, a Belgian pils which was nice none the less.

Nothing new with me I just need to vent.

I went out for four days in a row last week. I didn't get any hangovers just that empty guilty feeling that tears me up inside. I was rude to someone. I reacquainted myself with the live music scene. I became closer to someone. I hurt someone. I kept a promise. I drank too much. I didn't drink too much. I wrote a poem.

I feel really mixed up at the minute. I don't deserve some of the friends I have. They put up with my bullshit and my mood swings. I can be an absolute cunt at times.

I don't believe in myself, you shouldn't either!

Taxi

The Taxi from the terminus takes me through town. Past cold, empty houses blocking the reluctant Sun. My journey was long and fraught with difficulty. The familiar smell in the cab is a relief. It was nearly over now while most were starting theirs. The Sun was getting braver now, I couldn't see through it's brightness. The cool air through the slit at the top of the window made my eyes water, It was like nature didn't want me to see. They didn't need much help though, I knew what was waiting for me at the end. Everything was in order. There were things I wanted to see but I knew I had the memories and didn't need to. There were people too, friends, family. Like pictures in an album I had in my heart. I'm here now, my breath still visible reminds me it's real. I wanted to be inside were it was warm and comfortable. I fumbled with the keys and eventually, I opened the door.

Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me gaaah

It is bugging me that I rarely post good news or anything fun. My life, while not a complete disaster, is lacking in that particular department. Sometimes I smile. Things make me laugh occasionally. Just minor digressions. I'm all doom and gloom as you know. Uplifting moments are few and far between and I appreciate every one. I'm wallowing now again after a good weekend. I saw the Foo Fighters at the O2 on Saturday which was excellent even half of Queen were there, I got a bit emotional during the acoustic part of Everlong. After the show we took a boat back to Waterloo Pier which was an interesting way to get home. The next day I was fatigued and lethargic and subsequently did not much.

Fuck! I've lost me train o' thought you knew where it was going anyway

ttfn

Single

I don't remember much about the day I got married, I can't even remember the name of the church (I suppose it hurts too much to). I remember the very second it ended though. I cried in silence, Damien Rice was on the stereo, Cheers Darlin'. I'd never felt so torn apart. I began to get short of breath, I couldn't think straight. I accepted it immediately, I'm just emotional. I didn't fight because I knew there was no point. I thought I loved her. When she spoke I could hear the upset but I didn't care. I hadn't seen her for two and a half days she came in to bed in the middle of night and said it, the kids were next door asleep not knowing it was about to get different.

She cheated and then decided to call it a day. I came out of it in such a bad state for the wronged party. Apparently women tend to come off better in divorce cases more often than not. I didn't mind though. I've grown accustomed to being kicked about like a football.

I don't know whether she's happy or not, I don't care either. She wanted to be friends after but it didn't work, I still can't stand the sight of her.

We settled reasonably amicably, I could have torn her to shreds in court but I couldn't do that to anybody. She got most everything and I get to see my boys regularly. I don't need or want any more.


It's taken a while but the last letter from the court came through last week declaring me officially single again. I'm not really in any fit state to be even entertaining the idea of seeing someone new. Not that they're breaking down the door.


I can chat to women but I can only go so far as being a friend, I even get along with women better than I do the fellas. I couldn't imagine dating in either sense and I would be mortified if my friends tried to set me up. To be honest I've never been out on the pull, but I have seen women try and use their charms to get what they want to varying degrees of success not that that is what every woman does, I'm just cynical. It did happen to me the other day though, a woman wanted my stool at the bar and she was chatting to me and it was clear so I excused myself and passed the stool. I came back and sat in another part of the pub and finished my drink and left. My friends seem to be really interested in trying to get members of the opposite sex in to bed. I feel like I'm surrounded by a load of horny bastards. I do partake in the occasional innuendo for giggles and I flirt with my friends but again it's just for fun. The way I feel seems to contradict the fact I get crushes easily, there's always some aspect of a person I fall for be it their wit or their pins. If I know you I have probably had a crush on you at some point in our relationship. Please don't be disconcerted by that because as you know it usually stays with me and comes to nothing.

So, do you know anyone who is hot and available?... Just kidding, for the moment anyway.

You got your head all tangled up

I don't think anyone is completely sane. Everyone has there own little neuroses. Sometimes you would never know and in others it's really obvious. I don't know where I would fall in the grand scheme of things. I have seen and heard of people doing some extreme things I know I would never do. What I do "do" is, well, nothing mostly. When I do something there has normally been a ridiculous amount of speculating and a sorting of the what ifs and the maybes before a decision is made and even then I'm never entirely certain.

Despite all this I wear my heart on my sleeve and most everybody knows who I am. There are things people don't know but they are few and for the most part unimportant.

I went to a gig last night and only had 2 pints so I was pleased with that after the Thursday when I was out for about 12 hours although that was a celebration of sorts.

I've just finished reading The Bell Jar in which I really identified with Esther even though she is ten years younger and female and forty odd years in the past. I suppose lots of people do. Idon't want to take a away from the book by saying that even though no one will think that, it's just the way I am.

unfinished

I missed you today. It was empty inside apart from a few random thoughts on the periphery. Nothing was clear like I had been drinking. When I opened my eyes no one noticed, they were all too busy doing their own thing. I should have been too but I couldn't concentrate.There was a hole and I wanted to hide from it. Those random thoughts floated by not making any sense just adding to the frustration.

Gone

Just like last year. The seasons turned and the sharp air brought with it nightmares reawakened, reiterated, repeated. I was gutted then, I am gutted now.

My loss is your gain, I feel guilty for wanting you to stay but we both know you're better off away from the maddening crowd. You took a leap with an unwanted push and now you are free. Free to do the things you've always wanted. I'll help with that.

To be Frank you didn't deserve it, to be Frank you are on your way to happier times, to be Frank.

You left me here, I don't blame you, it doesn't have anything to do with me anyway. I wish I were as brave as you to see, to seize new opportunities. My outlook is darkened with only little light and yours is opposite. I wish to emulate but fear, but fear holds me close though you loosened its grip it's not enough.

How ever seldom our contact I will cherish every one like those before I cherish still. Your reassurance is believable to a cynical old me.

Just like last year I will get on, just like last year I will never forget,

You

u r teh gay

I had a dream about being gay last night. It was very odd, there was someone I knew telling me I wasn't because you can't just become gay overnight. and someone I didn't know whose flowers I was holding. This all took place on a bus in the rain. The flowers were driping rain water over my jeans. Outside all the shops were closed and it was miserable, in the bus it was warm apart from the draft at the back (it was one of the old open back buses).

This comes after a dream in which I was kissing a confidant or rather she was kissing me. This dream was very vivid nad the kiss was very passionate and I woke with a start, and noticed I was very cold.

Dreams hey, who'd have 'em.