Little Lives

I have a little life so this isn't really a rant or I'm not having a go.

I spend a lot of time wondering this city which is absolutely fucking huge and I see a lot of people going about their business. I wonder what they do and where they go, I catch bits of conversation or the non verbals between friends and couples.

People seem to spend their days slowly shuffling through life talking about reality TV or the latest tragedy in the daily rag and they think it's important. It makes me feel sad that they don't have anything important in their lives or at least aren't prioritising them. They get so worked up over the trivialities of this modern life. I know one person who is very outspoken on her views and can't accept reasoned argument and takes it as a personal slight when you disagree with her. She's very righteous but is having an affair which is a bit hypocritical, I think.

Anyway, I understand people having a need to gossip which, I suppose, stems from genuine human curiosity. I'm not immune to it, I'll occasionally join in out of boredom or to defend someone who isn't there regardless of whether or not they're right because it's completely unfair. I don't like to get involved especially when it's petty. It sounds as if I only think people should talk about important world changing issues but it's not true I just want people to not get so heated when it comes to Jade Goody or Amy Winehouse or Ashley Cole and so on. I have nothing against the examples I just gave, in fact I'm a huge fan of Amy, I just don't want to listen to people spouting the rubbish they just read or misread in the Sun or Heat. I'm getting a bit heated myself here but it's because of the lack of knowledge, integrity, tact that many people seem to lack when it comes to commenting about celebrity or whatever it is they're so passionate and ill informed about not the actual subject matter.

What also saddens me is this crazy pursuit of money lots of people think is the answer to all their prayers, you need a better job so you can have lots of money and be happy - that's just bollocks. I want money to go and do things I like that you have to pay for however I need money to pay bills, stay warm and clean and fed everything else is extra. I'm liking my job less and less but it gives me what I need and a bit of what I want financially and I'm more than happy with the situation. "But mick don't you want a nice holiday or some cash for when you're older" no, not really, I have a basic pension for if I ever get to that age and as for holidays I had one 4 years ago and am still loving the memories. If I want to get away I can go to the coast which is quite a bit cheaper than 2 weeks in the med and for me at least just as refreshing, I live in London for fuck's sake if I can't getaway in this city where can I, failing that I can go hide in a book because books are awesome. I mean if I'm bored and skint I can go to a gallery or a museum or take a walk in the park or along the southbank, the bus is only a pound and you can get quite far from central London in one of those, gigs are free sometimes and you don't have to drink while there (I went out last night and stayed sober, I even moved my feet a little bit)

The sadness I have for the last 2 examples are not strong more like a mild annoyance (if you must, you must...) but this is what genuinely saddens me. 

There are people who get up in the morning and the go to work or the garden or something if they're retired and potter around aimlessly just getting by they might cook a meal or pay a bill and go to bed and have a sleep and I don't know if they know there is more out there and if they are happy or even realise they're sad. Do they think that's all there is or this is all I deserve. The people who work hard all their lives mostly for other people and for little or no reward and end up with nothing to show for it except worn fingers and tired eyes. They deserve a whole lot more than the people who think they're happy running around after money or fame or whatever. 

So, little lives are mostly bad, some in a you're a prick and you don't deserve it way and others in a you deserve so much more way the "wealth" isn't exactly equal here. I'd imagine some people are genuinely happy going about daily life just sitting there quite content and if they are that's good, that makes me smile. It's the ones that have that feeling and aren't sure what it is and it makes them sad or depressed, I think maybe it might be that they are yearning for more or something different, this gets to me so much it actually hurts to think about.

I have a little life but I've been slowly changing it. I go to gigs and galleries and museums. I take huge long fuck off walks. I read books outside my comfort zone. I like my opinions challenged by my friends. I am open to almost anything. I'm discovering that you don't necessarily need a drink to enjoy things. I'm remembering why I fell in love with music. I'm making new friends.

I'm spinning around...

Went out to see a band called Grovesnor last night at the Old Blue Last, they were rather good, soulful electro type stuff that makes you wanna move your feet my favourite tracks were Nightmoves and Drive Your Car.

 

It was quite crowded in there and I wasn't drinking so felt a lil awkward at first but got more in to it as the night wore on.

 

I was feeling quite happy but in contradiction to that I was also overcome with a huge wave of sadness and despair and I felt so lost. If I was on my own I would've left and not witnessed really cool music but I was with someone and was glad I stayed, it was worth it. I need to be feeling more happy than sad and going to gigs like this is part of that but I really had to fight the tears from coming and I couldn't breath it hurt so much.but I had support so I was OK.

 

I've been bouncing between happy and sad quite frequently recently and like I've said before it's driving me up the wall. I've had a lot to smile about over the last few weeks but also lots to feel down about and I'm really trying hard not to let the sad things get to me. I feel like I'm trapped in a whirlwind and can't get a fixed grip on solid ground.

Sometimes I feel a little melodramatic and hammy (you know. the old "woe is me" nonsense) because it does sound silly a lot of the time and people do get pissed off with it, I don't mean to portray myself that way I'm just not that great at getting the message across. I notice myself doing it and it's quite frustrating. 

All I want is for people to understand who I am and how I'm feeling and to not judge me for it, but people think I'm after sympathy and pity, I'm not but I'm also not looking for harsh "that's life responses" I've been tolfd by more than one person "why don't you just end it then" which I thought was a bit OTT, especially as one was a close relative that kind of cut a little bit.

gotta go that whirlwind is gonna yoink me away in a minute/

wondering if there's someone watching him through a window

so there's this girl who sits by the window and whispers. i can see her breath against the glass and it hurts to watch. she has her knees drawn up under her chin and tears in her eyes. her heart is screaming out ready to burst through its cage. i can't see out the window, through the grey dense fog that seems to want to feast on her soul and she's breaking and i'm helpless like i'm behind my own window. i want to break the glass between us and take her in to my world but i don't, i just watch impotently with tears in my own.

catch up

I've been listening to a lot of hip hop recently. I think it's because the usual stuff I listen to isn't helping my low mood.

 

I saw an old friend when I went for a walk yesterday and It was really great to see her again.

 

Last night I was so tired I tried to have a conversation with my voicemail and slept a long time but really badly.

 

Today I cried when reading about David Cameron's Son.

 

Am going out to Death Disco tonight should be fun and apparently a certain Scottish band are playing too, how cool would that be.

 

I think I had a row but can't be sure.

 

I'm out tonight, tomorrow, Friday and Saturday I'm gonna be so fucked by the end of this week not to mention poor

First Love

Things appear to be looking up!

I'll obviously need to work at it but I do have an urge to take part in your world. My friend is back in Blighty and I got to see her but not a chance to catch up. I've been making new friends quite quickly and it seems to be easy, on the surface at least, I actually have to try very hard and sometimes it's not worth it.

Sometimes I feel like it's just something to pass the time until you die but since figuring out why I've been feeling crappy recently I feel like it's worth it.

My friend and I held hands walking down the street today and it was so comfortable. I'd forgotten what it was like to touch someone like that, it was nice and natural I wonder if they thought so too. For me touch is quite important, it makes the connection more real. A friend recently jumped on me after not having seen them for a while and it was amazing it compounded the fact she missed me which I may not have believed if she'd have said it from across the room. Without sounding too creepy it's really very nice when I can smell the other person it's an amazing sensation as is the tight grip of a hug or the brush of lips on cheeks. In all honesty it makes me feel loved.

Someone in my life has the potential to make things change for the good and I'm wondering how that will pan out. I'm just wondering how long it will take for me to sabotage it.

tafn

I know what but not why

I'm not gonna do it! That much is obvious however I will continue to obsess over it. It sounds harsh and maybe I've said it before but I see no reasons for being.

I will continue to be and will continue to slowly destroy myself.

I cried yesterday for something I didn't cry over when it happened over four years ago.

People think it's the drink or- or my marriage break up but these are just things that have exacerbated it. I've felt this way for as long as I can remember and mostly when you see me happy it's a front to get by without the hassle.

Recently I have lots to feel good about (there's even been genuine smiles) and it sounds contradictory but I'll enjoy it while I can and maybe that will be for the rest of my life.

mick's mixed up

I feel like everyone is playing a game and can only understand in terms of the game and what I want to say or how I feel is outside of the game parameters. I know how to play the game and I do because sometimes it's easier to, but my heart is not in the game.

Just because you believe something doesn't mean it's true and your blind faith in it upsets me, I'm not talking religion but the way in which you live your life. Some of your conduct is admirable but it doesn't mean it will make any difference, short term maybe you experience joy or happiness and maybe it touches others and they are happy. I just can't see its relevance.

It feels arrogant of me to say you can't comprehend outside of your normal way of thinking and to be fair most people are unaware of anything outside their way, I have extraordinary friends who constantly surprise me and challenge my way of thinking but I can't see them making a way through to me. I'm not asking to be saved just to be understood. I can't make someone understand because I can't translate from my game to theirs. 

I feel like I'm losing touch with everything, call it apathy if you want but I know there's a passion deep in there somewhere waiting to be brought back I just can't figure out how to release it. People say just do it or pretend but I don't work that way I need it to be honest and pure and for that to happen I need to find the legend that will lead me to the key then maybe I'll be able to function in your society but I know I'll never be a part of it.

I've tried to relate this in terms you'll understand but I feel my concepts aren't compatible. I also realise that there are probably hundreds and thousands of people that feel the same or similar and I do wonder if they have any insight having possibly travelled the path further than I. For now I'll just be plodding along through a life I'm not sure I want. 

I feel, sometimes, that the only reason I haven't killed myself is logistics. I mean I can't be arsed getting my affairs in order and I don't want to leave it for someone else to do, it wouldn't be fair. A strange way of seeing it I admit but I have a compelling sense of duty, sometimes.

untitled 01/09

you slept while it snowed 
white covered the street

my balance was lost 
nature took its due

wanting to take flight 
with you awakened

over that powder 
cut, stabbed, slashed and bruised

we fly together 
wrapped in heaven

coming down to land 
we have each other

the snow is melting 
but you have my warmth

Finally

Finished my first book this year the other day. Gangsta Rap by Benjamin Zephaniah. It was aimed at teenagers and dealt with things they go through without being patronising which I thought was cool and wished it was around when I was a teen.