untitled?

I have to be at work in a few hours, having not been there for a fortnight it feels odd to go back. It's not like this is my first holiday or anything but this time it seems different. Or the same, I can't remember. I'm not happy, I don't think I remember the last time I was really happy, there have been moments don't get me wrong but this current bout of gloominess feels really heavy on my heart.

Giving up the drink is proving difficult I did go out one night and not drink while everyone else was. I like the people I was with and watching them edge in to inebriation was grating. There was also the vicarious worry for my friends girlfriend being late which wasn't entirely unfounded (as it turned out she was safe at home). those two things made me feel uneasy. If I wasn't alone in my sobriety it might help.

If I wasn't alone fullstop it might help. The time I spend with others feels like a chore at times and I'd much rather be somewhere else. My time off was supposed to be spent far more wisely than it was. It just felt like a quick succession of peaks and troughs of something resembling emotion.

The last book I read was The Bedroom Secrets of the Masterchefs and it had two main characters, Danny Skinner who was a heavy drinking, drug taking, shagging, hooligan. And Brian Kibby who was pretty much the opposite. At certain times I would relate to Skinner and others Kibby, not there good points though, always there negative aspects ie: Skinner's drinking and Kibby's social ineptitude. The two sides of my personality coin.

I'm at a low at the moment but I don't think it's the drink because I haven't had one since Thursday and music has been my only indulgence til now. Music seems to be the only constant, it's there through all the moods and emotions I give out.

I'm not sure what to do to get out of this feeling or mood or whatever it is.

It feels like forever since I blogged about something good, oh well hopefully it won't be much longer...

Must get dressed for another day in that hellhole of a job, that's another thing that doesn't help but that's another blog.

dream maker, heart breaker

I went for a really nice walk the other day, I managed to listen to Hissing Fauna, Earthly Pleasures and half of Waterloo to Anywhere, to give you an idea of how long I walked. I walked toward the city but got as far as Holborn Viaduct before deciding to head for the Thames and I thought of erstwhile friends while crossing Blackfriars Bridge to get to the Southbank where it was relatively quiet. I remembered all the times I had been here before with and without other people. The tide was out as far as I'd seen it for a while, my boyish curiosity surfacing, I wanted to go down to the side of the water amongst the driftwood and beer cans, get a closer look at the barges moored a little further out, I always wondered what was in those vessels. I thought of my father, he'd sometimes take us down to the sand and dirty water, we would write our names in the dark, wet sand with sticks which we'd later use to rake across the railings back on the promenade. By the time I came out of my reverie I'd already walked under Waterloo Bridge and there was some sort of party going on under the Hungerford Pier I didn't look down I just felt the bass in my chest. There were more people now, mainly tourists as I neared Hungerford Bridge and the light from the new shops in front of the Royal Festival Hall annoyed me. I knew I wouldn't have to put up with tourists much longer because they rarely went underneath Westminster Bridge, they would climb the steps on to the bridge to get to the palace of Westminster and it's St Stephen's Tower. As I approached, passing by the London Eye and the County Hall with it's Storm Troopers aiming out across the dark river and the Dali sculptures with all the Maccy D litter strewn under them. I entered the damp tunnel glad to leave the tourists behind, looking forward to a quieter walk. On the other side St Thomas's Hospital looked down on me and I thought of the few times I had been in there, when my son was sick, the time my friend had her baby. The rest of the journey on the South side of the Thames was unfamiliar because I had rarely ventured this far west, I carried on under Lambeth and Vauxhall bridges till I could no longer follow the river. I turned back and crossed Vauxhall Bridge, a lot of buses were passing me and I thought I might jump on one because I was getting tired. When I was nearing the other side of the bridge I turned my ankle and had to sit down for a few minutes until the pain eased. Heading back in to town on Millbank, across to Whitehall, over Trafalger Square and home. I didn't do much thinking on the way back, probably because of the pain in my ankle and I didn't enjoy it as much as the Southbank again the pain was a dampener. The South seems to hold all the memories and you look over the river to home, maybe that's why I like it there.

Anyway that's what I did instead of drinking on Satruday night

Edit: I think I've fixed it but for some reason the sentences somehow ended up in the wrong order. I don't think it would make much difference anyway lol :)

Another blog about drinking

I went to Samina's leaving do today but I was still recovering from the excess of the previous night. Sobriety lasted all of four days as I went for it big time starting with four pints in little over half an hour. I did slow down a bit after because John and Diane came in and I chatted with them for a bit, when they left I had one more and went on to another pub where I sat at the bar and had a quick pint, feeling a bit restless I moved on to another pub where I settled with a 1664. A lot of the younger lot from my ends drink in this one for some reason and I chatted with them for a while until they called last orders. I must have had at least twelve pints and coming out tonight I felt a little uneasy but I persevered. I got my first drink at half four and I didn't finish it. I was feeling a bit claustrophobic, which is ironic as Wetherspoons are known for being cavernous, so I said my goodbyes and I left with Wasi and we had a drink in a bar around the corner while she waited for her fella I had a Gin & Orange and she a Cranberry juice. We talked about Old Street and music and relationships and society and drinking and blogging. We went to anothe pub closer to the station where I had a J2O and she a Tea.

Wasi is really cool and for some reason she makes me want to be healthy It's strange but I like it and the calming effect she has on me can only be good. She sings songs too check her out here.

So, only two alcoholic beverages tonight which I'm very happy about but still disappointed about the night before.

That Decision Was Mine

I really like Klaxons but I do think Natasha Khan was robbed oh and who got Lauren Laverne up the duff?

Also didn't The Young Knives look dapper especially The House of Lords and by the way Ade Edmondson is a G

liver let die or worst title ever

Had the boys over on Saturday. The 5 year old was saying things which pierced my soul and he obviously doesn't realise how much it hurts. It was hard for me to hide the pain but I told him not to say such things and made a go of the rest of the day but he misbehaved for the most part and I was exhausted by the time I dropped them home, I didn't tell their mother, she wouldn't care less anyway (about me, not the kids).

I went to a gig later that night and after the first drop of Staropramen passed my lips and slid gently and reassuringly down my throat I resolved to get absolutely, stupidly wrecked. Not the best idea in the world bearing in mind I was angry and alcohol is a mood enhancer as it turned out I behaved well though the lager induced amnesia reminded me of being attacked and felt guilty for not remembering anything like that night. The bits I remember and what I've been told are roughly as follows. Got to Old Blue Last for the gig saw the first band The Human Value who I enjoyed Then The Sessions played followed by Glasvegas this is where it gets hazy, Hey Gravity were playing and I was apparently dancing and I'm sure I remember the singer standing on the bar and holding her hand however I may have made that up I don't remember my friend leaving although he said he saw the last band who were on quite late. I don't remember leaving but I do remember getting a cab to my local instead of going home (stupid). My sister was leaving the pub as I was going in for what turned out to be a lock in. My friend said I was doing the whole your my best friend drunk routine and could tell I wanted to talk (possibly about the boys) but she was angry (not because of me, hopefully but I do believe her when she said it wasn't me) and apparently I didn't mind and carried on as normal. I was behind the bar at one point and I remember having a sambucca but Tina said me and Del were having a sambucca and asked in unison Do you want one I don't remember that. We left to go back to T's house but I had been up since 5 that morning and fell asleep there for a bit then I went home at god knows what time it was light outside.

The next day I resolved never to have a drink again, that lasted not very long at all when I was invited out for a "few". It felt good to be around people and I didn't over do it today although it was a monster session which didn't end till half five the next morning.

It was mentioned, more than once, that I'm getting back to being a more confident Mike like the one I was achieving before being assaulted. I still like to be alone but I am finding it easier to deal with more than one person at a time and being in large groups is less of a chore now and there's less anxiety involved. I still have a long way to go but I'm making steps in the right direction. I do miss being able to go out and not drink like we did when we were young but everything seems to revolve around the pub and drinking, I will be making a concerted effort to do things that don't involve drink and when we do drink I will try to drink less although I am a fool for male bravado and try and drink as much as everyone else then some just need to get over that mentality.

Mick's liver: What in the hell did I ever do to you, you bastard.
Mick: Sorry old son how can I earn your forgiveness.
Mick's liver: Knock the drink on the head for a bit dear boy
Mick's brian, kidneys and various other vital organs: Here, Here!
Mick: OK boys I'll give it me best shot, now where's the tequila.
Mick's vitals: :gasps:
Mick: Just kidding chaps.

I just re-read this and realised I'm quite dull (not sarcastic dull, actual dull dull)

Thursday

Esther's Leaving do. I got there 2 hours after everyone else because of work and they were all pissed and being sober around the intoxicated is unsettling for me so I proceeded to catch up which I did spending 50 odd quid in 4 hours, not bad considering we were in a cheap bar. Interesting things happened one of which was being kissed for the 1st time since I don't know when. This was odd because I wasn't expecting it and also because she is gay I either can't remember or don't know why it happened, not that I'm complaining, it was very nice, just odd that's all. She's a great girl and I love her to pieces and we planned to meet on Sunday to go to Soho Pride. Anyway we left the pub and headed down Victoria Street to St. James Park where we lay on the floor underneath the canape of the bandstand with heads on laps and songs in our voices, the girls danced around the poles holding up the bandstand making the water cascade around them with shrieks and giggles I thought why don't we do this more often I felt really happy at that moment. It felt as though we were there forever when we decided to get up, Georga (whose mother I was speaking with on the phone at one point during the night and was later told by Georga that she thought I was lovely, cue pangs of happiness and endearment) and I held hands for a bit which also made me very happy (it's amazing how the slightest touch from someone else can make you feel) while we walked to Trafalgar Square where I knew she would be leaving. We bade farewell and then there were three Paul, Esther and myself we elected to go drinking because we were sobering up an upon deciding a bar we headed for it but it was shut when we arrived. It was getting late and I was knackered so I went with Paul and Esther to their respective bus stops and went home where I was to call Esther and let her know I was back safe because she was worried about me since I hadn't been out much after being assaulted, I put the phone down and had a half decent sleep for the 1st time since I don't know when.

Saturday

I was working today and wasn't in the mood to go out drinking and I hadn't seen her all day which was odd because I thought I was over feeling that way but as I was leaving I saw Paul and Georga coming out of the lift and they gave me a card with a badge which I would wear on Monday. So we strolled to the station and decided to have a drink on Monday because it was my birthday and Georga was going on holiday the day after. I got home looking forward to a night of rest and my mood had lightened. My sister came later and said we're going out for my birthday and I couldn't really say no. So we went to a quiet pub on Queens Square and sat outside under the awning watching the rain it was miserable but the drink flowed until last orders when we went bowling where all the girls looked like the were trying out for Grease. Anyway we went on to Tina's and drank and talked till 6 in the morning.

Sunday

6 hours later I was meeting Esther and her friends at Leicester Square to go to Soho pride. We spent the day in various drinking establishments getting unsteadily sloshed. Everyone I met today was really nice and I felt very welcome as the relative stranger of the group. Later we ended up at a place called Candy Bar wherein the lack of a 'gents' was disconcerting and queueing for the loo was an odd experience in which I was very aware of my penis and being completely surrounded by lesbians. Outside the bar there was a gaydargirls radio stage so we went to the front and had a bit of a dance but I was getting tired and decided to call it a day. I didn't go straight home which was a bad idea. I went to my local where than landlord bought me a pint I sat inside at the bar and didn't notice my friends outside so when I was leaving they collared me and we went for a few more in The Cross Keys. I was wrecked by the time they called last orders but I still went back to my local but I physically couldn't fit anymore in so I left without word to my friend which I felt bad about and apologised for.

Monday

The day of my actual birthday, the day I turn 29, the dawning of an end of an era the last year of my twenties. I went to The George Tavern opposite work at about half three in the afternoon sat alone waiting for colleagues who won't get here till after four Paul and Georga get here first and we get a round in and move to more comfortable seats in the corner when Hena arrives. So we do a couple of shooters when Hena decides it would be a good idea to put make up on me and I thought it would be a good idea to let her much to the amusement of the rest of the pub I left it on for another round before she helped me remove it in the bathroom. Georga said something to me along the lines of she thinks I'm really great and I always look after her when we're out and her mum thinks I'm lovely, I didn't stay long after this and went to my local who were celebrating their birthday as well. My friends were there sitting outside so I got a Gin and OJ and joined them. Inside they had a DJ and Grease was playing on all the screens and after many, many sambuccas and even more gin a keg of lager was won and there was a dance off I actually enjoyed my birthday for the 1st time since I don't know when.

Apologies to my liver for the events of this weekend.

the mousey girl screams "violence, violence!"

Adolescent behaviour in a grown man does seem wrong but fuck it I'm being indulgent.

A few weeks back (the night HP7 came out) I went to Boogloo to see The Fay Wrays, Mat Saunders and Lisa Moorish who was doing Pussyole acapella which was quite funny . Any way I got there at 8ish ordered a drink and sat under the clock, I put my trilby on the stiool next to me and surveyed the pub from my vantage point, it was empty bar two fellas sitting at the corner of the bar in front of me. I felt really comfortable there, in the pub I mean, it felt special thinking of all the people who have drank and played here in the past and the fact it just looked like an ordinary boozer. Half of the Fay Wrays came in with Keara which brought me out of my reverie, hugs and handshakes later I was told they mentioned me in an interview and I was gobsmacked, my heart rose and I was really happy. We talked about their gig at Hackney Empire and it turned out there was a cock up with the guestlists and even they couldn't get in to their own gig and they were really disappointed that I didn't get in but I wasn't too fussed and it was nice to be thought of. We sat outside so the smokers could smoke and a young lady called Fizz came along who is a photographer and she shoots bands, I'd seen her at gigs before and was always intimidated by her,don't know why but it turns out she is very nice and easy to talk to.

All the bands were awesome and the DJ afterwards was great, I went to the bar once more and noticed that one of the fellas from earlier was actually Shane MacGowan and he was drinking triple gin and tonics of which I bought him one.

It was time to go, I wanted to pick up HP7 and read it before work the next day. I left with Lucie, Cammy, Keara, Fizz and Nip who got in a cab and I said I'd walk down to Archway to get a better chance of a bus...........I didn't make it. ..............There was someone on a pushbike........................ I said No you ain't and laughed. .....................So it's about 5:30 in the morning and someone is asking me if I'm ok I said yeah I just need to get back to central London, the woman pointed me in the direction of the bus back, it turns out i was in Crouch End which is about a mile and a half from the pub I was in. My hands were drenched in blood and everything was blurry It wasn't until later I figured out it was because my glasses were gone. Later I noticed I made 2 phone calls I don't remember making and my hat was gone. When I looked in the mirror my face was cut and bruised and my nose was bloody. I went to bed.

I went to hospital on Sunday where they said I had concussion and amnesia as a result of being hit about the head, I had a CT scan which was ok and they sent me home but I still had a raging headache that was to last 2 weeks.

This is the 1st time I've recounted the night in writing, but too many times orally.

 
I didn't go out after dark again for 2 weeks when I attended an of Montreal gig at the Scala my headache subsided and I was excited and apprehensive. The gig was sensational it was one of the best I've ever been, to anyone near the front got covered in red glitter and fake blood. When it was time to go I started to panic and my heart was racing but not like it was during the gig, I was scared and as soon as I left the club I jumped in the nearest taxi and it took the journey home to calm down and my headache flared up again.

Ever since I've been having really violent dreams but I think that's just my sub-concious trying to figure out what happened because I can't when awake. I've also been very run down and my immune system is really weak and I keep getting sick easily. I'm sure it will pass but for now I just feel fucked.

...

I did have a funny dream the other night though, I was at The Old Blue Last it was during the day and there was a battle going on with loads of indie bands fighting an unseen enemy "2 tribes" was the soundtrack. I had a guitar with a TV screen (???) and a large bottle of lager with a sports cap (???). There were also french groupies outside an Irish pub which isn't really there (???). I think I need help

...

What is wrong with the NME I mean the Shane/Peter compare in the Babyshambles interview was annoying and lazy and why do they keep slating the park. I might stop buying it.

Thank god it's friday ...or not

Just realised what day it is, this day has never bothered me and I'm not really superstitious but when I think of all the things that could go wrong tonight, well let's just say there are some trust issues I need to deal with and I should keep my jealousy in check.

:takes deep breath:

I have nothing to worry about!

I'm a neat guy!

I am a love machine

repeat

PS can you tell I was watching friends just recently although possibly misquoted

It's alright no one reads this anyway

If you tell me something I will keep it secret and no matter if we fall out I will never betray a confidence. I tell people things and I think I am quite open, but when I tell secrets I don't ask for them to be kept I just assume they will be and generally they are. I suppose it's a bit naive of me but I just can't bring myself to say don't tell anyone it sounds too weird.

There are things I have never told anybody and there are things I haven't told certain people and I hate keeping my own secrets to myself. This feels odd because I hold so many others' secrets.

I suppose sometimes it is better not to say anything but that feels wrong even though the possible consequences could be detrimental to my relationships with others.

I'm still here

I wasn't lost just misplaced for a while. I've been writing on paper a lot recently but I will copy it here soon, I think.