On a lighter note

The Dirty Pretty Things gig was sensational. I was right up the front bar one getting crushed with the best of them basking in the glow of that beautiful band. I nearly lost my glasses on several occasions but it really worth it. I helped a girl up to crowd surf which was strangely satisfying. At the end Carl dived on top of us and I had his hand in mine. I felt euphoric, like I could die happy.



There was also a funny fight over a towel thrown from the stage between two fellas which was reasonably amusing just for its shear longevity.

-

(a minor segue from T)

A man without a voice yet his actions scream louder than words could. Someone I could............ still can let myself drop and know will catch me. No confidence yet more beauty than you could meet over a life time. Lucky to know. Yet doesn't know. Needs me????????????? Has no clue to how much is needed. I'm lucky.... so so lucky. Won't forget. Well try not to forget with everything I have. SO from here now FUN. Joy with my friends. Hope for the more memories like the ones we have shared. YET seem to forget. Positive. Support. Hope. and whether good or bad more memories together. So till then lets NOT hold our breath xxxxxxxx

-

O what friends! for minor read major in more ways than one and also the question marks are completely unnecessary.

-

In short Amazing gig and apparently amazing friends, who knew.

Square Triangle Cicle, Cross

Not as rigid as triangles and you can fit more things in to squares. I am a square, I have four sides and also an inside and outside. Four sides have never ending pressure, the other two are valves. There's a complex set of mechanisms that work me. I still can't figure them all out. Which means the pressure builds to an insurmountable conclusion and the square is now rubble.

There is nothing in the rubble, no survivors, no dead, not even memories. Just the mortar of a life not worth living. I wonder weather people scour the rubble in search of pieces of me. And then I scold myself for being that optimistic.

I can feel myself spiralling, freefalling beyond the rubble. Down, down through the earth and inner space to nothingness, well nothing other than pain and suffering. Ah home, sweet home.

Maybe I should be a circle, just a valve letting everything just silently pass through me, uninvolvement.

To be...

So I've been reasonably happy for the last few days and it feels, well, odd frankly. To be honest other people have far more problems than I do and I know I should concentrate on myself before everyone else but I can feel the depression looming just in the corners of my mind. It would be so easy to let it flood over me and just go under and be somewhere more familiar. So, what to do? I don't feel I deserve happiness and therefore I am on a collision course with my old world and I'm happy enough being kamikaze. Treading the water and just to sink into the murky waters of depression feels like the right thing to do no matter how unhealthy. Dying would be to easy for me and would leave far to much problems for those I leave behind. I need to suffer this alone. I need to take it all in, let it consume me until I'm barely recognisable as human. I still don't understand what it is to be human. To be good or bad, happy or down, right or wrong. I want to let go and leave it to someone else to pick up the pieces but I need to do it alone no one can solve me. Save me. I am my own salvation but am too ridiculous to help myself. Soory about the long rant but it's better off my chest, I think.


Hmmm!!!

Carl Barat's sweat smells really, really nice

Seriously, you don't understand how good it was.

That's all.

The Rain

(for T & F)

The unnecessary confirmation
Came from the positive confrontation
of two. I could never accept, never
believe. My esteem would never let me.
But there it was, on either side of me.
Expressions of truth, trust and confessions.
My silence spoke cliched volumes as your
reassurances dried my dampened eyes.

With plans and promises we said goodbye.
My faith, hope, trust and love restored somewhat.
The next day I woke up happy, refreshed
ready to face the world and it's weather.

Here is another crap poem

I'm halfway through seeing 100 bands this year but am nowhere near reading 50 books. The way things are going I'll probably only read 25 and I'm cheating by reading plays and poetry.

-

Love from Ariel

This picture perfect pair were a Monet
And for what reasons I could never say
They were idols of the way things should be
In love and the pursuit of happiness

I was never close enough to their hearts
Or close enough to see their painful tears
I stood back, kept my impression of them
Intact for the sake of my delusion

The birds of rumour circled their remains
swooping down to feed on romantic loss
This is what I saw, this is how I knew
Of the demise of the perfect picture

I know you're married but...

Martha Wainwright at The Royal Festival Hall was the absolute nuts!

Opening with a few tracks from the new album and then introducing Ed Harcourt and his missus and Romeo from The Magic Numbers they did great renditions of Lachrymosity and I See You, I See Me. then a couple of tracks from her first album and an interval. After the break she had two more guests namely Beth Orton who dueted on Floyd's See Emily Play which was stunning and Schlomo who makes funny noises in his mouth got a massive round of applause after their track.

The concert was two and a half hours long including the interval of twenty minutes and with all the special guests made it a wonderful experience I'll never forget.

I need a fix 'cause I'm going down

Decrepit ruins of lives destroyed by lies

False declarations in conversations

Wasted hope, wasted fear, wasted love

For life gone but not forgotten

Wand'ring through this lonely life

There's no one left but me

It's my own doing

It's my own fault

It's over

Finished

Gone

The Divine Comedy

I've just started reading it and it is fairly easy to read so far. I haven't bothered with the introduction or the notes but will probably look at them once I've finished.

I promised myself I'd take it easy today and so far so good. I think I may even break out the vinyl later and lie in my darkened room letting the sounds surround me.

My main goal for when I get a day off from now on will be to not think of anything remotely connected to work because that is what generally gets me cross. Oh, and that age old resolution about having fewer regrets. Life is short etc.

At the moment I'm neither happy nor sad, excited or down. I just am and it's odd that I've noticed, at least this early, normally it's oh I'm being and I return to the world of worry and excuses and general "apartness" from real life.


Also I want to get involved in charity, well more than giving a few bob to people collecting and so on. Maybe some time in a shop, summat along those lines.


A friend of mine gives blood fairly regularly and I think I should start doing the same if my blood's acceptable.

It's not to be good or because it's the right thing to do I just think it's something I should do, which I'm still really not sure of, oh well.

Back to life, I suppose.

The Less Assured

'twas a bit shitty weather wise today so the kids and I just watched the first two Harry Potter pictures and went to their aunties and made chocolate cornflake cake type things.

Once I'd dropped them home I read a fair bit of Plath's The Colossus on my journey back. I'm finding it quite difficult but am enjoying it nonetheless.

I've been out drinking a couple of times recently but it wasn't very enjoyable and the mornings after even less so. So I am just going to go back to not drinking at all.

I should be getting my second tattoo and possibly third very soon and am really looking forward to it.

Now I'm going to try and relax for the rest of the weekend