Heroin Dream

It was clumsy we tripped and stumbled down my hallway in to the state that is my bedroom. He finds a spot on the floor to cook up while I fall on to the bed and look for something to tie around our arms for pressure and to bring up the veins. He sucks up the liquid a vivid rusty brown through the needle in to the seemingly larger than usual syringe and I sense my own eagerness to inject overwhelm me. I want him as much as the gear but he seems fucked off and says something's not right. Looking around paranoid he stands up and makes to leave, belt still hanging from his arm needle falling from his large rough hands. I leave the gear where it is feeling ridiculously despondent breathing heavily starting to sob.

We Were Radios

Antennae to be precise. We also controlled the volume. The Children and I went to the Barbican to return some tickets and while waiting for the box office to open we took in an exhibition in the Curve gallery by Rafael Lozano-Hemmer called Frequency & Volume it was to show us about censorship and freedom in society the kids loved it and I loved that they could get involved in art though they may not realise it yet. I told them what it was about but they didn't really understand though they will soon, I reckon.

Fishing Trip

A friend and I said to my father that we were going to fish in the Serpentine. When we got there we couldn't fish so we went to the Camden Lock on the Regents Canal and sat for a couple of hours until it got dark and we went home. When I got in my dad said he went up to the Serpentine with some drinks for us and obviously couldn't find us and I felt that I really hurt him especially after he said he walked all the way around the lake even though it is only small.

poem june 08 (2)

(for L)

The dry rattle of the half full washer
mimmicks my nauseating hangover
At least someone's here to help me I thought
Turning for the cool side of the pillow
Memories of the night before shatter
The comfort I was taking in the pain
Solace in the most unconventional
Ways my saviour calls out through the door
Sensing I was awake brings me breakfast
Two Paracetamol and some water
Oh thank you for this one good soul
Thank you.

Drury Lane

Drury Lane, dawn lights my tired steps between
Rival schools I turned my back on the city
Towards the Convent Garden and home to dream
About the trials of the day and my pity
For this, a disappearing community
Hidden from the view of increasing tourists
Battering cobbles past animate statues
To home and the rumour of black death plague pits

Toots

Toots mek me smile, Toots mek me sing
Toots mek riddim come to my feet
Maytal melody flows thru me
The Rude Boys jostle me around
In time I do my reggae march

Heroes

(for T)

There's no Secret Seven nor Famous Five
No Robin Hood, no Band of Merry Men
Just an ever changing circle of friends
And that's all we need, the real life heroes
We see them ev'ryday using their words
To change our worlds with faith and love and trust
Love lies in the hearts and minds of your friends
All you have to do is open your heart
Throw down your arms, embrace experience
Love life forsake the haters' jealousy
It's in your hands just know there are heroes
Guides, real ones, who will help you on your way
So never mind the fairy tales, live life
Make your own adventures
always, always.

Notes on my neoroses

Are we really good for eachother? We're just brokenhearted friends who lean on eachother, are we really strong enough to support eachother. I know if you decided it was over that I would follow you in to "the next great adventure" without second thoughts. The reason neither of us do it is responsibility, at least I think that's why. There is always the suspicion that we deserve the to suffer life and it's nothing to do with our strength. Strength, I struggle to find though you replenish me, it only lasts so long because of my selfishness.

I always get this feeling I need others more than they need me. I'm not talking minuscule amounts but a massive difference in need. There is a girl who I love dearly and she means so much to me but I can't shake that feeling she doesn't need me. She is strong and all I can offer is an ear to listen while she talks, not necessarily telling me anything of consequence, I'm just an outlet. We spoke for nearly an hour and a half the other night she makes all the right sounds even though she doesn't have to. Is it out of a moral sense of what's right or does she really care, she says she does but I'm a fool to my paranoia.

I made a new friend a couple of days ago and paranoia strikes yet again. Is it all a con, we spent most of the evening chatting even arranging to meet again. I get really excited when things like this happen but usually it's ultimately painful and I should stop getting so worked up over things others take for granted.

I fuck most things up relationshipwise because of my neuroses.

poem june 08

(for F)

Your effect on me was immediate
The proverbial breath taken away
Like the first time I saw Lake Windermere
Or the long awaited blissful first kiss
From love long lost to time and memory
Oh so familiar, so comfortable
Yet new, original, fresh and scary
What power from a simple touch or look
Lays me out, cold, crushed almost lachrymal
But now you have to leave I'll miss you and
I will wonder where you went forever

An incomplete catch up

I keep meaning to get on here but don't seem to have the will to do it. I mean I'm forcing myself now because I really need to.

 

I have been really down for a couple of weeks, those who know me can see it under the mask I hate wearing. I don't expect anyone else to see or care either way.

 

Today at work I annoyed the two people I'm closest to constantly. I know they understand but I'm very close to tipping them over the edge and thus killing the friendship that just goes to show how little I really care for myself.

 

I lasted a month not drinking but I don't mind so much, it turns out I'm dependant on it for a social life. I started again at a Halloween party, I really enjoyed myself and was hardly self conscious at all I even dressed in a costume thankfully customised by T and my sister. I met someone I hadn't seen for an age and we arranged to go and see her friend sing at a bar, I forgot I missed her.

 

I have been having a hard time concentrating on anything at all for more than a few minutes at a time, it's like when you have a crush but without an object of affection/desire.

 

I seem to be eating a lot more than usual. The lust for life is slowly ebbing away and I don't appear to be too bothered by this. People who should really understand are telling me to jack it in. Indirectly of course, otherwise that would be tactless.

 

I got my next tattoos but I haven't had a chance to post photos, I got Cole my youngest son on my forearm and a Libertine one on my upper arm like the boys in the band.

 

I went for a walk the other day while really depressed. I walked from the bridge in Mile End, the one which has been turned into a park, all along the canal for 3 or 4 miles to Angel just looking at the other towpath users, it was quite busy for a Sunday mainly joggers and cyclists. Most people think of the canal as ghastly but I think it's beautiful and I'm fascinated by the locks even though they're fairly straight forward I still think they're ingenious. Anyway, every so often I looked in to the water wanting to just throw myself in then I'd laugh at myself because I could see the bottom and I'm a strong swimmer so it would've been moot

 

I don't know what to do with myself now I'm completely fucked up, nothing is making any sense anymore. I spend most of my time alone in my room not being, it's horrible.

 

Must try and be more regular on here it feels a little better to get it all out.