poem june 08 (2)

(for L)

The dry rattle of the half full washer
mimmicks my nauseating hangover
At least someone's here to help me I thought
Turning for the cool side of the pillow
Memories of the night before shatter
The comfort I was taking in the pain
Solace in the most unconventional
Ways my saviour calls out through the door
Sensing I was awake brings me breakfast
Two Paracetamol and some water
Oh thank you for this one good soul
Thank you.

Drury Lane

Drury Lane, dawn lights my tired steps between
Rival schools I turned my back on the city
Towards the Convent Garden and home to dream
About the trials of the day and my pity
For this, a disappearing community
Hidden from the view of increasing tourists
Battering cobbles past animate statues
To home and the rumour of black death plague pits

Toots

Toots mek me smile, Toots mek me sing
Toots mek riddim come to my feet
Maytal melody flows thru me
The Rude Boys jostle me around
In time I do my reggae march

Heroes

(for T)

There's no Secret Seven nor Famous Five
No Robin Hood, no Band of Merry Men
Just an ever changing circle of friends
And that's all we need, the real life heroes
We see them ev'ryday using their words
To change our worlds with faith and love and trust
Love lies in the hearts and minds of your friends
All you have to do is open your heart
Throw down your arms, embrace experience
Love life forsake the haters' jealousy
It's in your hands just know there are heroes
Guides, real ones, who will help you on your way
So never mind the fairy tales, live life
Make your own adventures
always, always.

Notes on my neoroses

Are we really good for eachother? We're just brokenhearted friends who lean on eachother, are we really strong enough to support eachother. I know if you decided it was over that I would follow you in to "the next great adventure" without second thoughts. The reason neither of us do it is responsibility, at least I think that's why. There is always the suspicion that we deserve the to suffer life and it's nothing to do with our strength. Strength, I struggle to find though you replenish me, it only lasts so long because of my selfishness.

I always get this feeling I need others more than they need me. I'm not talking minuscule amounts but a massive difference in need. There is a girl who I love dearly and she means so much to me but I can't shake that feeling she doesn't need me. She is strong and all I can offer is an ear to listen while she talks, not necessarily telling me anything of consequence, I'm just an outlet. We spoke for nearly an hour and a half the other night she makes all the right sounds even though she doesn't have to. Is it out of a moral sense of what's right or does she really care, she says she does but I'm a fool to my paranoia.

I made a new friend a couple of days ago and paranoia strikes yet again. Is it all a con, we spent most of the evening chatting even arranging to meet again. I get really excited when things like this happen but usually it's ultimately painful and I should stop getting so worked up over things others take for granted.

I fuck most things up relationshipwise because of my neuroses.

poem june 08

(for F)

Your effect on me was immediate
The proverbial breath taken away
Like the first time I saw Lake Windermere
Or the long awaited blissful first kiss
From love long lost to time and memory
Oh so familiar, so comfortable
Yet new, original, fresh and scary
What power from a simple touch or look
Lays me out, cold, crushed almost lachrymal
But now you have to leave I'll miss you and
I will wonder where you went forever

An incomplete catch up

I keep meaning to get on here but don't seem to have the will to do it. I mean I'm forcing myself now because I really need to.

 

I have been really down for a couple of weeks, those who know me can see it under the mask I hate wearing. I don't expect anyone else to see or care either way.

 

Today at work I annoyed the two people I'm closest to constantly. I know they understand but I'm very close to tipping them over the edge and thus killing the friendship that just goes to show how little I really care for myself.

 

I lasted a month not drinking but I don't mind so much, it turns out I'm dependant on it for a social life. I started again at a Halloween party, I really enjoyed myself and was hardly self conscious at all I even dressed in a costume thankfully customised by T and my sister. I met someone I hadn't seen for an age and we arranged to go and see her friend sing at a bar, I forgot I missed her.

 

I have been having a hard time concentrating on anything at all for more than a few minutes at a time, it's like when you have a crush but without an object of affection/desire.

 

I seem to be eating a lot more than usual. The lust for life is slowly ebbing away and I don't appear to be too bothered by this. People who should really understand are telling me to jack it in. Indirectly of course, otherwise that would be tactless.

 

I got my next tattoos but I haven't had a chance to post photos, I got Cole my youngest son on my forearm and a Libertine one on my upper arm like the boys in the band.

 

I went for a walk the other day while really depressed. I walked from the bridge in Mile End, the one which has been turned into a park, all along the canal for 3 or 4 miles to Angel just looking at the other towpath users, it was quite busy for a Sunday mainly joggers and cyclists. Most people think of the canal as ghastly but I think it's beautiful and I'm fascinated by the locks even though they're fairly straight forward I still think they're ingenious. Anyway, every so often I looked in to the water wanting to just throw myself in then I'd laugh at myself because I could see the bottom and I'm a strong swimmer so it would've been moot

 

I don't know what to do with myself now I'm completely fucked up, nothing is making any sense anymore. I spend most of my time alone in my room not being, it's horrible.

 

Must try and be more regular on here it feels a little better to get it all out.

Smells Like Kevin Barnes

Oh yes it does!

 

The show was amazing last night, first gig in ages. Went on me own and just drank coke. I had a really good time dancing like a nutter the only downside was the wait between the bands. The new stuff was really good but I was stuck at the back with the people that aren't that bothered so they weren't getting involved although this was the gig where I saw the most people dancing. And for some reason they have a lot of tall fans, I'm 6 foot 2 and I was having trouble seeing the stage.

 

One of the very few things to put a smile on this face, thank you of Montreal x

 

I have a cunning plan (hmm dubious methinks)

Just finished work and I'm totally Jacob's, my hands are fucked from RSI or CTS or summat. I've been yo-yoing again the lows being much worse than the highs which are kinda just level I suppose.

 

I was at a my friend's son's birthday party and this blanket of fear and pressure enveloped me close to paralysis, I was so scared but I knew I had to stay for the kids even though my sister was there and would've understood, the urge to escape was so powerful even though I could hardly move, it was horrible I haven't felt that bad in a long time and never with the kids, thinking about it makes me nervous even now.

 

I went out to eat with a friend the other day and had a really good time but I was plastered (it were half way though a 12 hour bender) I was off the next day so that was OK.

 

Speaking of drinking, I have decided to give it a rest for a while (again) but this time I have a plan and my geeky love of numbers on my side.

 

Part 1: The Numbers

 

I quit on the last of September which makes it really easy to chart my progress (15 days so far). I like to count and I know it's not much but it keeps me happy, occupied and sober where's the harm :)

 

Part 2: The Friends

 

Now, here there are a few variables the biggest of which is that they don't really know yet. What I intend to do is ask my friends for one or two nights a month where we can go out or just chill at home not drinking (they can drink), sometimes just the two of us and sometimes a few more people. I have four friends who I can ask to do this which works out to at least one social night a week. I'm sure they'll all agree, I went out with one friend on Saturday and we went to a restaurant and for a walk in the park, it was peaceful and relaxing but exciting at the same time because I am still paranoid about people not showing up or cancelling for a made up reason but she came and it was more relief than joy at first though that changed later.

 

Part 3: The Pay-off

 

I'm not really motivated by money, as long as the bills are paid I'm fine. This was just going to be a month long experiment at first and I would see how much I saved not drinking (I spent a monkey over a three day bender) but since I'm extending this little experiment I'll be ables to see if I'm just spending the cash on summat else (my other vices are books and music oh and food, I eat far too much). I don't have a specific end date for this maybe it'll just go on and on.

 

Like I said earlier I'm 15 days to the good and feeling a little on the confident side of things, this is partly due to a new friend I've made at work (the one I went to eat and the park with above). She is marvelous and has helped me so much in such a short space of time. I'm really happy I've met her and hope our relationship grows even more.

Back to... Men in... Roger...

Black. Black. Black.

 

My mood's not shifting. It's worse at night, trapped in my room feeling lost and claustrophobic and I need the lights on now. It actually hurts so much that I can't breathe. It's quite scary. There are people but I feel so alone. I put my game face on and most people don't know or notice or care. I can't see beyond the pain. I don't know where to go from here. Switching to auto-pilot.