O for the weekend

I'm at work and fucked off with it. Only 2 more hours to go then 2 more days of the same. Ideas that normally flow through my mind are stunted here, inspiration has left the building. I'll be too tired to do anything when I get home aswell.

 

Too Much

Too soon?

I feel so...

...impotent right now!

 

I'm stuck here when I need to be with a friend. I wish I could just jack it all in and go to them and forget the world.

 

I will, one day.

Please

Stop keeping count because one is too many

...

I think I'm reasonably intellegent.

So, I'm at work and you're palming me off and I'll accept it.

Here is what goes on in my head while the above happens:

Do you really believe I don't get what you are doing to me, I think it's rather cheeky to be honest with you. I'ma accept it though because it's clearly not worth it if you think I'm a fool. I wonder why you can't just be straight weith me.

This may or may not be the case but like I said before I'm reasonably intellegent, I can read people, not well, but when it's obvious. My problem is this, Do I continue wanting to be with these people or do I cut them out and just be civil at work.

I don't trust myself to be right and therefore these people get the benefit of the doubt to let me down over and over again.

I was told I have a certain arrogance (more than once, twice infact so until someone else says it I'm treating it as a line as opposed to a patern and hence possibly true) which got me thinking what is it I do that would make people think that. Sometimes I think someone isn't particularly bright at certain things and I'll take for granted this means they are not clever at anything. Sometimes I won't talk to you or ignore you if we've just met, this can last for months but it really is only my shyness. Sometimes I'll be in a room of friends and I'll just leave after not joining in the conversastion and I wonder should I make an effort to talk about something I'm not interested in or understand, again I do find it hard to enter in to a conversation and feel what I have to say is not worth saying and it is hard to work up the courage to do so.

I suppose this is all part of the whole "letting things be" thing.

ah the mysteries.

The Dogs

prologue (16 hours)

Drury Lane.
Not the best place to begin
a Bukowski inspired piece.
anyway
My arms, aching from carrying the booze
hung limply by my sides when you appeared.
I thought nothing
just took a beer from the box
and recovered from the stair climb.

The night wore on
friends came and went,
we became friends and went
on until the morning.

I was intimidated
even though you quoted Keats
and treated me like
you knew me forever

It was time to go
and you were busy
singing the song of sleep
and I made do with memories.

-

The track, after a sweaty tube ride
I rode with your lover, my hero.

It felt good to be back
in the fold of friends
old and new.
I was tired though
and all I could manage was
to exchange coy smiles.

I got a beer and struggled with the form
It had been a while after all.

There were couples and I felt nothing
It's not what I'm after, after all
betting slips gathered around my feet
where I sat
on the floor of the grandstand

After you'd gone, I wondered
about your intellect
and my own naivety.

-

Epilogue (the real prologue)

I'm looking forwards to adventures
with new friends
who may even stick around this time

I'll take another beer
and make a toast:
3 syllables for 3 syllables and
cementing future friendships.

What is wrong with me?

really, if you know drop us a line.

On a lighter note

The Dirty Pretty Things gig was sensational. I was right up the front bar one getting crushed with the best of them basking in the glow of that beautiful band. I nearly lost my glasses on several occasions but it really worth it. I helped a girl up to crowd surf which was strangely satisfying. At the end Carl dived on top of us and I had his hand in mine. I felt euphoric, like I could die happy.



There was also a funny fight over a towel thrown from the stage between two fellas which was reasonably amusing just for its shear longevity.

-

(a minor segue from T)

A man without a voice yet his actions scream louder than words could. Someone I could............ still can let myself drop and know will catch me. No confidence yet more beauty than you could meet over a life time. Lucky to know. Yet doesn't know. Needs me????????????? Has no clue to how much is needed. I'm lucky.... so so lucky. Won't forget. Well try not to forget with everything I have. SO from here now FUN. Joy with my friends. Hope for the more memories like the ones we have shared. YET seem to forget. Positive. Support. Hope. and whether good or bad more memories together. So till then lets NOT hold our breath xxxxxxxx

-

O what friends! for minor read major in more ways than one and also the question marks are completely unnecessary.

-

In short Amazing gig and apparently amazing friends, who knew.

Square Triangle Cicle, Cross

Not as rigid as triangles and you can fit more things in to squares. I am a square, I have four sides and also an inside and outside. Four sides have never ending pressure, the other two are valves. There's a complex set of mechanisms that work me. I still can't figure them all out. Which means the pressure builds to an insurmountable conclusion and the square is now rubble.

There is nothing in the rubble, no survivors, no dead, not even memories. Just the mortar of a life not worth living. I wonder weather people scour the rubble in search of pieces of me. And then I scold myself for being that optimistic.

I can feel myself spiralling, freefalling beyond the rubble. Down, down through the earth and inner space to nothingness, well nothing other than pain and suffering. Ah home, sweet home.

Maybe I should be a circle, just a valve letting everything just silently pass through me, uninvolvement.

To be...

So I've been reasonably happy for the last few days and it feels, well, odd frankly. To be honest other people have far more problems than I do and I know I should concentrate on myself before everyone else but I can feel the depression looming just in the corners of my mind. It would be so easy to let it flood over me and just go under and be somewhere more familiar. So, what to do? I don't feel I deserve happiness and therefore I am on a collision course with my old world and I'm happy enough being kamikaze. Treading the water and just to sink into the murky waters of depression feels like the right thing to do no matter how unhealthy. Dying would be to easy for me and would leave far to much problems for those I leave behind. I need to suffer this alone. I need to take it all in, let it consume me until I'm barely recognisable as human. I still don't understand what it is to be human. To be good or bad, happy or down, right or wrong. I want to let go and leave it to someone else to pick up the pieces but I need to do it alone no one can solve me. Save me. I am my own salvation but am too ridiculous to help myself. Soory about the long rant but it's better off my chest, I think.


Hmmm!!!