Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me gaaah

It is bugging me that I rarely post good news or anything fun. My life, while not a complete disaster, is lacking in that particular department. Sometimes I smile. Things make me laugh occasionally. Just minor digressions. I'm all doom and gloom as you know. Uplifting moments are few and far between and I appreciate every one. I'm wallowing now again after a good weekend. I saw the Foo Fighters at the O2 on Saturday which was excellent even half of Queen were there, I got a bit emotional during the acoustic part of Everlong. After the show we took a boat back to Waterloo Pier which was an interesting way to get home. The next day I was fatigued and lethargic and subsequently did not much.

Fuck! I've lost me train o' thought you knew where it was going anyway

ttfn

Single

I don't remember much about the day I got married, I can't even remember the name of the church (I suppose it hurts too much to). I remember the very second it ended though. I cried in silence, Damien Rice was on the stereo, Cheers Darlin'. I'd never felt so torn apart. I began to get short of breath, I couldn't think straight. I accepted it immediately, I'm just emotional. I didn't fight because I knew there was no point. I thought I loved her. When she spoke I could hear the upset but I didn't care. I hadn't seen her for two and a half days she came in to bed in the middle of night and said it, the kids were next door asleep not knowing it was about to get different.

She cheated and then decided to call it a day. I came out of it in such a bad state for the wronged party. Apparently women tend to come off better in divorce cases more often than not. I didn't mind though. I've grown accustomed to being kicked about like a football.

I don't know whether she's happy or not, I don't care either. She wanted to be friends after but it didn't work, I still can't stand the sight of her.

We settled reasonably amicably, I could have torn her to shreds in court but I couldn't do that to anybody. She got most everything and I get to see my boys regularly. I don't need or want any more.


It's taken a while but the last letter from the court came through last week declaring me officially single again. I'm not really in any fit state to be even entertaining the idea of seeing someone new. Not that they're breaking down the door.


I can chat to women but I can only go so far as being a friend, I even get along with women better than I do the fellas. I couldn't imagine dating in either sense and I would be mortified if my friends tried to set me up. To be honest I've never been out on the pull, but I have seen women try and use their charms to get what they want to varying degrees of success not that that is what every woman does, I'm just cynical. It did happen to me the other day though, a woman wanted my stool at the bar and she was chatting to me and it was clear so I excused myself and passed the stool. I came back and sat in another part of the pub and finished my drink and left. My friends seem to be really interested in trying to get members of the opposite sex in to bed. I feel like I'm surrounded by a load of horny bastards. I do partake in the occasional innuendo for giggles and I flirt with my friends but again it's just for fun. The way I feel seems to contradict the fact I get crushes easily, there's always some aspect of a person I fall for be it their wit or their pins. If I know you I have probably had a crush on you at some point in our relationship. Please don't be disconcerted by that because as you know it usually stays with me and comes to nothing.

So, do you know anyone who is hot and available?... Just kidding, for the moment anyway.

You got your head all tangled up

I don't think anyone is completely sane. Everyone has there own little neuroses. Sometimes you would never know and in others it's really obvious. I don't know where I would fall in the grand scheme of things. I have seen and heard of people doing some extreme things I know I would never do. What I do "do" is, well, nothing mostly. When I do something there has normally been a ridiculous amount of speculating and a sorting of the what ifs and the maybes before a decision is made and even then I'm never entirely certain.

Despite all this I wear my heart on my sleeve and most everybody knows who I am. There are things people don't know but they are few and for the most part unimportant.

I went to a gig last night and only had 2 pints so I was pleased with that after the Thursday when I was out for about 12 hours although that was a celebration of sorts.

I've just finished reading The Bell Jar in which I really identified with Esther even though she is ten years younger and female and forty odd years in the past. I suppose lots of people do. Idon't want to take a away from the book by saying that even though no one will think that, it's just the way I am.

unfinished

I missed you today. It was empty inside apart from a few random thoughts on the periphery. Nothing was clear like I had been drinking. When I opened my eyes no one noticed, they were all too busy doing their own thing. I should have been too but I couldn't concentrate.There was a hole and I wanted to hide from it. Those random thoughts floated by not making any sense just adding to the frustration.

Gone

Just like last year. The seasons turned and the sharp air brought with it nightmares reawakened, reiterated, repeated. I was gutted then, I am gutted now.

My loss is your gain, I feel guilty for wanting you to stay but we both know you're better off away from the maddening crowd. You took a leap with an unwanted push and now you are free. Free to do the things you've always wanted. I'll help with that.

To be Frank you didn't deserve it, to be Frank you are on your way to happier times, to be Frank.

You left me here, I don't blame you, it doesn't have anything to do with me anyway. I wish I were as brave as you to see, to seize new opportunities. My outlook is darkened with only little light and yours is opposite. I wish to emulate but fear, but fear holds me close though you loosened its grip it's not enough.

How ever seldom our contact I will cherish every one like those before I cherish still. Your reassurance is believable to a cynical old me.

Just like last year I will get on, just like last year I will never forget,

You

u r teh gay

I had a dream about being gay last night. It was very odd, there was someone I knew telling me I wasn't because you can't just become gay overnight. and someone I didn't know whose flowers I was holding. This all took place on a bus in the rain. The flowers were driping rain water over my jeans. Outside all the shops were closed and it was miserable, in the bus it was warm apart from the draft at the back (it was one of the old open back buses).

This comes after a dream in which I was kissing a confidant or rather she was kissing me. This dream was very vivid nad the kiss was very passionate and I woke with a start, and noticed I was very cold.

Dreams hey, who'd have 'em.

No direction home

I was listening to the new Eagles album on the way to work the other day. I walked through the park with the sounds making me feel like I was in sunny California as opposed to the biting London chill. The songs felt like I'd known them as well as their classics which I wasn't expecting at all, when bands get back together after a time the results are usually somewhat wanting. It also made a change hearing summery American tunes on the way to work which is when I usually hear cold British songs (that I adore) to take me to my cold British office (that I loathe).

So, I was thinking I might start a group about taking albums for walks, ones you usually wouldn't. There could be a "National Take an Album For a Walk Day" How about walking along a calm river listening to drum and bass or a busy street listening to chill out. That was a bit rubbish but I'm a do it anyway.

I like walking, I just go where my feet take me and I always end up somewhere with memories and those memories are always soundtracked.

do you ever get that feeling

you've forgotten to do something

and they said it would never come for you

Is there eloquence in these here words, some people seem to think so, I don't. What I try to put across is honesty and to be honest I do sometimes try to be beautiful. I love writing and I put out almost everything regardless of quality. I don't think I'm being modest when I'm dismissive of praise, (however I am always thankful when I get it) I genuinely don't think it's deserved. Praise isn't what I'm looking for, this is just an outlet that quite possibly saves me from being in a worse state than I'm already in.

Words, for me, are strange and beautiful and powerful and all in between. I like to read them and learn them and say them and write them and use them to create but not destroy. I try to use them to express my love but normally come up short. I get words wrong so much so that if there were a word police they'd lock me up. I don't mind if you don't "get" what I write, sometimes there is no point, sometimes you're not supposed to.

I was writing to a friend to try and tell them how I feel about them and I think I may have cocked it up monumentally. I won't know until I receive a reply, if I receive a reply at all. You see I'm a bit clumsy when it comes to that sort of thing. She's not someone whose pants I want to get in to, no matter how beautiful she is. I just want to be a friend in the truest, closest possible sense of the word. I saw The Bridge to Terebithia recently and I longed for a friendship like that of the two lead characters, I had nothing like it as a child and as an adult it's hard to achieve with all the adult distractions.

A thousand mile seems pretty far...throw away sentiments in a throw away song but I relate as, I would imagine, do many others. I'm pretty far from writing something like that even but I mean what I write at least.

I look for meaning when there's none to be found or it's staring me right in the face and I can't see it because I think it's more complicated than it really is. I wonder if it will be detrimental to my friendship.

Random ranting

Polar opposites drawn together somehow defying odds insurmountable.

It's not true, I don't think so anyway, everyone is connected in some way. Little Miss Popular is as lonely as the boy with no friends, they just deal differently. We're not equal but we're not so different either.

I have friends, with varying degrees of intimacy and success. I don't treat everybody the same, I should but I don't.

The selfishness of selflessness, do you only do selfless acts to seem righteous in front of your peers. These acts are surely kept to yourself or between you and god if you have faith. I do understand giving to charity and getting something out of it like the poppy for example, I suppose you wear it to promote awareness rather than look at me I gave to charity. If you get benefit of doubt.

I'm feeling rather despondent at the mo, I don't know where that comes from because there was no one there to begin with.

Sometimes I won't understand something you've said and instead of saying sorry I didn't understand I nod or say something non committal. Everyone has been polite enough to pretend not to notice, but I really wish I wouldn't do that because I carry on being ignorant of whichever subject we were discussing. I don't do it all the time just every once in a while. I baffle myself sometimes.