Aww look, he's asleep

I had a dream where two of my friends were staying at my house. They were lovers but I wasn't jealous. The thing I most remember about this dream was the cold silence and how it was uncomfortably broken by one of us. My friends looked different too how they normally do in reality. One was making tea while I was talking to the other who is one of the warmest people I've ever met but here she was ice cold and I felt, or my words rather, frozen by her. I also felt waves of insecurity coming from her. The friend who was making the tea came back in and sat on her lovers lap and they cuddled. I felt awkwardly excluded but a reassuring hand squeezed mine. There was more silence, unbroken this time. It felt like it should have been in black and white but wasn't.

In reality I do feel "awkwardly excluded" a lot and sometimes there is a reassuring hand in some guise or other just not always, I normally have to ask for it. The insecurity normally emanates from me (I'm normally too busy worrying about myself to see others). I don't know if my friends were representing themselves in this dream. The harshness of the cold upset me in the dream and still does now.

Flip the script so ridiculously

I went for a drink last night. I had about four pints and a tequila over about three hours. I woke with a ridiculous headache this morning, I was surprised because I hadn't had much. It was a rather odd night for me, for a start it was Sunday and I went out at 11pm when most pubs have been closed for an hour. I only wanted one or two but a couple of friends came so I decided to stay on .The landlord closed up with us still inside and he poured us some tequila and a pint each which was great, free drink always is though, we stayed a little while longer before heading off to a hotel bar for a last drink. I had a good time and a good chat with my friends and this made me feel the hangover was all the more undeserved.

Anyway got over it and went to HMV to see the newest releases and I picked up The Wombats, Sigur Ros and Jay-Z's albums, I wanted Bishi's debut but it's been pushed back to next Monday and thats pretty much all I've done today. I haven't really had contact with anyone today, I'm feeling rather odd about whether or not I want to be in company. I won't have a choice tomorrow because I have to go back to work. Will I put on a front or be moody, I don't know, it probably depends on who I see first when I get in. I like going to work, it's where I get most of my socialising done. I'm getting better at the hole (sic) socialising thing but I'm still awkward and shy like on the edge looking in. I still get things wrong but it's a learning curve, one which I'm glad to be on. Sometimes it's good to be on your own but I do it way too much.

(I just do as I'm told)

I don't hate anything or anyone but does that mean I don't really love anything or anyone. I'm thinking along the lines of passion, you can love or hate with it. Can you have one without the other. We all use both words far too much, I can't bring myself to write an example they're all too cheesy but you know what I mean. Are they linked or not, I hope they are not.

I don't know what love is, I thought I loved my ex but did I. I don't hate her now but she does get to me her infuriating smugness and righteousness drive me nuts but I don't hate, no, what I do feel is nothing, I just don't care. She hurts me but I don't care. She uses me but I don't care.

Before, there was happiness and contentment but was it love, does anybody really know and maybe it's different for each person, or not I don't know.

What makes me happy now is music, certain friends and certain places and it'd be great if I could say I loved these things and be certain of it.

I've lost touch with people I thought I loved and there was devastation but I got on, though I do still think about these people every now and then which warms and chills my heart all at once because the memories are great and I realise they're not here anymore.

What is hate? I'd imagine it consumes you completely with anger and aggression so much that you can't deal with anything else. I have felt like that but it doesn't last which is why I think I don't hate because hate is that but eternal, possibly.

What made me cry today - Rock 'n' Roll Suicide by David Bowie

Someone's coming - Look busy

I let someone read my journal.

I was in a revelatory mood and as it happened I was writing about said person when she asked if she could look. I didn't even hesitate. I passed it over and she read what I'd just written, I turned crimson with embarrassment, whilst not an expression of love it was, I felt, a beautiful piece of writing that happened to be about her (I may post it, it's only a line or two). She said she wanted to read the rest of it. I gave it to her later because I hadn't finished writing in it. She gave it back at the end of the day and was touched by what she told me. I wanted to discuss it with her further but didn't get the chance, I hope I do, soon.

Some people think I'm nuts letting someone in to my head like that but I didn't care, I don't care, I trust her completely. Although I may have said no on another day it's done now and I'm comfortable with my decision, so there.

:sticks out tongue:

Time for (my) Heroes The Best of The Libertines

It's not bad but it could have been so much better. I was wondering what everyone's own particiular best of would consist of.

I would like these tracks...

Music When The Lights Go Out (either from Legs 11 or The Libertines)
Dilly Boys
You're My Waterloo
Breck Road Lover
The Good Old Days
Arbeit Macht Frei
France
Hooray For The 21st Century
Skag & Bone Man

Not Exclusively and not in that order but yeah these and the singles I suppose.

Over to you...

Ooh Graphic

Remind me never to watch TV at 3am EVER again. Some bloke is castrating pigs and using their knackers for lottery balls.

Afterthought: sausages, eww!

You're a soppy cunt Mick but I love you!

Oh, for one more glimpse of that warm Californian sun. You burnt me but I forgave you, I hope you forgave me for my misguided preconceptions of the people you bathe everyday. When I hid from you under the pier whilst others were praying for your bounty I felt guilty for our time together was short but my Irish skin pleaded for me to stay. I was in awe as you beat a path up the Pacific Coast Highway through various places along the way like Big Sur and Long Beach and L.A. and Santa Monica and Santa Barbara and Monterey and Santa Cruz and finally San Francisco where the Colt cast it's shadow over our disoriented souls. We settled on Mission while you were hours away. You weren't as fierce in this city and my skin peeled under a straw trilby and long trousers. I'd like to imagine you tried your hardest to raise the temperature but to no avail this land being a peninsula, the water keeping you from glory. I remember you did come out one day while we were on the Embarcadero waiting to play Al Capone. When we headed home to Huntingdon you followed us back like a puppy who had taken a liking to us. Martha Wainwright and Snow Patrol figured heavily in the soundtrack to your direction. We spent a lot of time face to face once I'd grown accustomed to yours and I was happier for it. I miss the way you shone on us in the state you made golden.

Today I Watched a Spider Spin It's Web

Sometimes I forget that people have other circles of friends than the one I'm involved in. This means I will sometimes try to monopolise you or be paranoid about why you're not always there when I need you, selfish really.

Apparently I'm popular at work, when did that happen, hmm.

Do you know that saying that you can't love someome if you don't love yourself, is that true?

I've been wondering if I'd be better off in a relationship.

Iambic pentameter rocks my socks.

But I am still rubish at it you know.

Garage forecourt flowers for my sweetheart.

She threw them at me, my biggest mistake.

Eva, I'm sorry, but you will have me

A young lady stroked the back of my hand with her thumb but I didn't look her in the eye. She was saying something but I didn't hear her. I was concentrating on trying not to fall for her. I get crushes easily but I don't think it makes them any less meaningful. More often than not it turns to friendship or admiration depending on how well I've gotten to know them. It's like I date these people or I play the relationship out in my head sometimes before I even say two words to them. The end result being strange because I feel like I know them well but I don't and they don't know me. It sounds childish but I can't think of another way to write it, it's like I like them more than they like me, we're not on the same level emotionally, I've invested too much in something that was predominantly imaginary. I do it every time. Emotional detachment is nigh on impossible for me, more and more as I get older. I always thought it would be the other way round.

quite possibly

the funniest blog entry i've ever read

http://blag.xkcd.com/2007/10/06/wikipedia-blogs/