An incomplete catch up

I keep meaning to get on here but don't seem to have the will to do it. I mean I'm forcing myself now because I really need to.

 

I have been really down for a couple of weeks, those who know me can see it under the mask I hate wearing. I don't expect anyone else to see or care either way.

 

Today at work I annoyed the two people I'm closest to constantly. I know they understand but I'm very close to tipping them over the edge and thus killing the friendship that just goes to show how little I really care for myself.

 

I lasted a month not drinking but I don't mind so much, it turns out I'm dependant on it for a social life. I started again at a Halloween party, I really enjoyed myself and was hardly self conscious at all I even dressed in a costume thankfully customised by T and my sister. I met someone I hadn't seen for an age and we arranged to go and see her friend sing at a bar, I forgot I missed her.

 

I have been having a hard time concentrating on anything at all for more than a few minutes at a time, it's like when you have a crush but without an object of affection/desire.

 

I seem to be eating a lot more than usual. The lust for life is slowly ebbing away and I don't appear to be too bothered by this. People who should really understand are telling me to jack it in. Indirectly of course, otherwise that would be tactless.

 

I got my next tattoos but I haven't had a chance to post photos, I got Cole my youngest son on my forearm and a Libertine one on my upper arm like the boys in the band.

 

I went for a walk the other day while really depressed. I walked from the bridge in Mile End, the one which has been turned into a park, all along the canal for 3 or 4 miles to Angel just looking at the other towpath users, it was quite busy for a Sunday mainly joggers and cyclists. Most people think of the canal as ghastly but I think it's beautiful and I'm fascinated by the locks even though they're fairly straight forward I still think they're ingenious. Anyway, every so often I looked in to the water wanting to just throw myself in then I'd laugh at myself because I could see the bottom and I'm a strong swimmer so it would've been moot

 

I don't know what to do with myself now I'm completely fucked up, nothing is making any sense anymore. I spend most of my time alone in my room not being, it's horrible.

 

Must try and be more regular on here it feels a little better to get it all out.

Smells Like Kevin Barnes

Oh yes it does!

 

The show was amazing last night, first gig in ages. Went on me own and just drank coke. I had a really good time dancing like a nutter the only downside was the wait between the bands. The new stuff was really good but I was stuck at the back with the people that aren't that bothered so they weren't getting involved although this was the gig where I saw the most people dancing. And for some reason they have a lot of tall fans, I'm 6 foot 2 and I was having trouble seeing the stage.

 

One of the very few things to put a smile on this face, thank you of Montreal x

 

I have a cunning plan (hmm dubious methinks)

Just finished work and I'm totally Jacob's, my hands are fucked from RSI or CTS or summat. I've been yo-yoing again the lows being much worse than the highs which are kinda just level I suppose.

 

I was at a my friend's son's birthday party and this blanket of fear and pressure enveloped me close to paralysis, I was so scared but I knew I had to stay for the kids even though my sister was there and would've understood, the urge to escape was so powerful even though I could hardly move, it was horrible I haven't felt that bad in a long time and never with the kids, thinking about it makes me nervous even now.

 

I went out to eat with a friend the other day and had a really good time but I was plastered (it were half way though a 12 hour bender) I was off the next day so that was OK.

 

Speaking of drinking, I have decided to give it a rest for a while (again) but this time I have a plan and my geeky love of numbers on my side.

 

Part 1: The Numbers

 

I quit on the last of September which makes it really easy to chart my progress (15 days so far). I like to count and I know it's not much but it keeps me happy, occupied and sober where's the harm :)

 

Part 2: The Friends

 

Now, here there are a few variables the biggest of which is that they don't really know yet. What I intend to do is ask my friends for one or two nights a month where we can go out or just chill at home not drinking (they can drink), sometimes just the two of us and sometimes a few more people. I have four friends who I can ask to do this which works out to at least one social night a week. I'm sure they'll all agree, I went out with one friend on Saturday and we went to a restaurant and for a walk in the park, it was peaceful and relaxing but exciting at the same time because I am still paranoid about people not showing up or cancelling for a made up reason but she came and it was more relief than joy at first though that changed later.

 

Part 3: The Pay-off

 

I'm not really motivated by money, as long as the bills are paid I'm fine. This was just going to be a month long experiment at first and I would see how much I saved not drinking (I spent a monkey over a three day bender) but since I'm extending this little experiment I'll be ables to see if I'm just spending the cash on summat else (my other vices are books and music oh and food, I eat far too much). I don't have a specific end date for this maybe it'll just go on and on.

 

Like I said earlier I'm 15 days to the good and feeling a little on the confident side of things, this is partly due to a new friend I've made at work (the one I went to eat and the park with above). She is marvelous and has helped me so much in such a short space of time. I'm really happy I've met her and hope our relationship grows even more.

Back to... Men in... Roger...

Black. Black. Black.

 

My mood's not shifting. It's worse at night, trapped in my room feeling lost and claustrophobic and I need the lights on now. It actually hurts so much that I can't breathe. It's quite scary. There are people but I feel so alone. I put my game face on and most people don't know or notice or care. I can't see beyond the pain. I don't know where to go from here. Switching to auto-pilot.

damnation lamentation

 Just checking in really, not much to report. I think that's what happens once you hit 30, there's a steep decline in life type things seriously not much is happening .... long pause ... more silence .... tumbleweeds etc etc.

 

Trying to organise trendy Hoxtony drinks next Saturday but will probably go pear shaped cause everyone who is going lives far away and thus will want to leave early, the flat will be too packed with bods that weekend to let anyone stay (unless they're hot ;)) otherwise it coulda been fun. I'll see if we can at least fit a gig in to the night too.

 

I need to get me some art on! Not been since the Summer and am itching to go, I really enjoyed the National Portrait Gallery so will start there plus it's free so you know, yay.

 

Anyway back to  the grindstone.

blop

OK, I'm still alive, I think (therefore I am blah blah blah nonsense).  Got completely wasted on Saturday like I said I would and spent the next day in bed not being. I don't think I'll be doing that again anytime soon (that was a lie, of course I'm going to do it again soon).

 

Someone told I weren't their type the other day but they didn't mean physically which was refreshing. They said I was soft as opposed to someone they could fight with, I'm passed fighting so wasn't offended but did feel the slight twinge of rejection even though I wasn't asking if you know what I mean.

 

I'm thinking of asking someone out but they live really far away. I think she is very attractive and has a warm personality but wonder if it's worth losing the fledgling friendship when she will inevitably say no. I'm not "in love" so there's less emotional investment at stake so when she says no it will hurt less, even though I haven't decided on doing it yet. Reading back I'm most definitely insane la la la.

 

More craziness coming this way very soon!!!

 

Saturday night's alright for fighting

I don't mind working on Saturdays generally but today I feel fucked. Got roughly 2 hours kip last night, mainly because I can't stop my racing mind and partly because I just started watching Prison Break Season 1, oh the joys of insomnia and good drama!

 

Gonna have a drink after work, a leaving do, not drank for 10 days so will be pished very quickly. Don't really wanna go but needs must and so on.

 

All the trains were fucked this morning which was fun. anyway time to do some work

 

 

 

 

Fucked, forlorn

I thought I was coming close to something only for my psyche to plunge me back in to the mire that is my depression

It just is

When she says it, it is not an order it is just a fact. One of the few things I believe

 

It feels like the last light and one that is fading from me, like running down a hall where the last door is always the same distance from you no matter what you do

 

She saw the doors open and believed what she saw inside laid bare in front of her

 

I wonder if she will help me, I've put her on a pedestal

 

I hope I don't fuck it up

Pushing through the market square

The pressure is creeping back, pushing in to my chest and head. I wonder if I'm welcoming the familiar feeling, enjoying it in a perverse way. It seems such a ridiculous thing to imagine but maybe there is a grain of truth, better the devil you know and all that. Being happy seems like hard work or maybe I'm making it hard for myself. As previously discussed I don't believe I deserve it, check me out retreading old ground though I have to because I still haven't found the answer. Funnily enough the more avenues I close the further I feel from finding the truth, trial and error is clearly not working and I feel like a stuck record.


I should really concentrate on the good things in my life the few friends and family who will always be there to put up with my foolishness. Seriously self deprecation is an art and I've been practising for a good decade at least, defense/coping mechanism I know but is it any worse than pretending to be confident or happy, I'm not fooling myself.


Sorry this all sounds disjointed just freestyling as it were.




It's been one week since I drank, not a great achievement just a fact. I've been reading a lot and have about seven books on the go at the same time that goes to show the state of my concentration levels.




I haven't seen my best friend in about ten days and the longer I go with out contact the more my mind plays tricks on me, that's optimism right there (as opposed to the possible truth she doesn't care), we don't have the sort of relationship where we call each other every five minutes but when I see her it feels intense all the same. I miss her and I worry about the pressure I put on her to sustain me despite reassurances that it's all good.




Blood, when you hear the sirens coming

~
Better run when you hear the sirens coming


They epitomise the irrational fears that plague my being. along with the pneumatic drills and the cries from Big Issue sellers they make me wanna hide or go deaf or scream in to my pillow.



Sometimes I feel like we've reached those dystopian societies they talk about in all those books I've been reading and I wish for simpler times so far gone I can barely remember them.



In that song Five Years by Bowie I always think of Bigg market in Newcastle. I don't know why, I've only been there once. It was for my stag do a few years ago (can't remember which as all the years are blending in to the mulch that is my memory) the market square was where everybody congregated after clubbing to buy hot dogs or catch taxis. I only really see it through a haze of alcohol. I didn't drink a lot but was very nervous and a rash developed which entirely covered the backs of my legs from ankle to groin I was vivid red (took a photo but wifey destroyed it for reasons known only to her). I enjoyed my stag do more than I thought I would and I regret not letting the boys have there fun, They all dived in to my room at god knows what time and covered my face in black marker and tried to give me an enema with a fire extinguisher, they wanted to strip me and send me down in the lift to the lobby but I managed to escape and emptied a fire extinguisher over one of my mates. I had to sleep in the bath because my mattress was soaked as was the carpet, I don't think they'll let us back anytime soon.



I wasn't nervous the day I got married, I suppose I should've taken that as a sign it would all come crashing down. Nerves are natural and I think they mean things are right.



I made an admission the other day, it went the way I thought it would but that didn't stop me fretting for weeks over something so trivial. I had a dream/daydream (was 'tween sleeping and waking at the time which made it all the more surreal) where I kissed my friend at work, I sat upright in a cold sweat thinking no no way. She's attractive but I don't see her that way or anyone else for that matter (which has been cause for concern on it's own). She understood and we're still all good but I'm still curious as to where the thought even came from.



I read a book about dogging the other day and the protagonist came up with an interesting philosophy about being post ambitious and in some respects I like it and see myself in the same position just on a lower scale (he was in a high powered job and left to work in the civil service). I don't feel the need for lots of money or prestigious job titles, I feel past it and the more I accept that the more content I become. so who knows maybe this is the way forward, bar the dogging obviously.