So I couldn't sleep or 5x5=25

There I go again reading into things that aren't necessarily there I've been on the phone with a girl I like the girl in fact. Just to hear her voice is a pleasure but when I finally put the phone down after thirteen minutes and thirty three seconds (a long time for me) I felt a bit shit. We didn't talk about anything in particular and she answered in the affirmative when I said we should do something when we both have the same day off. So why do I feel low? I think maybe because I wasn't more positive about asking her out, because I only did it in a round about sort of way not even directly really (saying "we should do something" isn't "I like you, would you like to go on a date with me" or whatever the cool kids are saying these days), because, because I don't know! She did mention she went for a drink with a someone from work while she was waiting for us to go to the pictures, they asked her if she wanted to it seemed so blase "do you want to go for a drink while you wait" I can't do that, I mean i can but I don't. I'm just rubbish and feeling sorry for myself as per.

Selfish Cunt

I'm being very self involved at the moment. I wonder if it reflects in what I'm doing and if anyone has noticed or been upset by my selfishness. I need to strike a balance between selfless and selfish I'm usually one or the other more recently the latter.

I don't normally have a specific thing to say when I write here, I just start typing and see what comes out like now. I'm not really going anywhere with this so I should just stop now and go to bed, early start tomorrow

Indecisive piece of shit

I can't stop playing the new Cribs album, don't know why. It's just great.

Yay for Jarmans!

Round 2

I'm jaded. At least with certain aspects of life. I'll be 29 in August. I've never worried about age. I don't believe in being the way society tells you to be. I do compromise despite myself. I don't like it that image is so important.

I feel like that bad guy in the shit version of The Italian Job who takes all the money and buys everyone else's dreams because he can't think of his own. I still don't really know what I want from life. I don't see the problem with just wondering at the moment. I wouldn't say it's aimless. I'm doing things I want to do.

If I ever end up with this girl I like what will she expect from me in the way of a future. I mean a woman can look after herself obviously but she'll never want someone without focus. Maybe my feelings are clouding my judgment. In the past I have been married and had a mortgage and a temporary promotion but all that went a bit pear shaped.

I feel like I'm starting again. Completely. New friends. New places. New crush. Go the all new teenage me.

I feel a bit pretentious saying all this but I've said it now so.

Old school like Happy Shopper

So I've found this new-fangled device for blogging it's great and you can take them anywhere it comes in two parts, wait for it... a pen and paper. It's great, I've been really enjoying writing anywhere and if a thought just pops in to my head I can jot it down.

I went for a walk the other day and popped into the post office and picked up a notepad and some biros, walked through Shoreditch to Dalston and sat in a pub for a couple of hours drinking and writing it flows much better out of a pen then a keyboard for me anyway so hence my absence from this here bloggy thing.

I suppose I will post my scribblings some time soon even though they are just as mind numbingly disappointing and boring. Just one problem, I can't decipher my own handwriting so it won't be word for word but the gist will still be there.

Paradise Found

I wen to see Paradise Lost with some chaps some from work and I had a really nice time, the film was shit but a nice time was had regardless. I felt a part of the group rather than tagging along like last time, so that's like progress right. Hang on, this sounds like starting over. Hail the all new socialising mike and his amazing wonderfriends.

Violent mood swings

Gotta love em.

I was reasonably happy not so long ago and now I'm back to feeling pessimistic and sorry for myself , I'd give anything for a bit of stability right now *sigh*

Once a glimpse

Where was I?

This weekend was a bit of a bust gigwise, I missed 2 gigs on Friday & Saturday. Friday was to see Paloma Faith & The Unfaithful at the Spitz but they weren't playing because their singer was sick so we toddled of towards Brick Lane to check out 93 feet east where JME & Plan B were playing but they were on too late and we didn't want to wait so we decided to call it a night. Saturday I was meant to see Of Montreal at the Scala, I even had a ticket for that one but I didn't go. I suppose I feel a bit drained this week after last weekends debauchery. Thursday was quite good though I went to an open mic in Archway to support my friend Wasi who was playing a couple of songs and I hadn't seen her since she left the job.

I had the kids round during the day on Saturday as well but the heat was ridiculous and Connor was unwell so we had a quiet day.

Today I'm supposed to be going to a gig at 93 feet east to see Olympus Mons and I'm not sure if I will go just yet but I can be swayed I just need a certain spur.

I have been having strange dreams again now that I'm sleeping. One was where my ex wife's Grandmother couldn't breathe and I had to fix her oxygen tank. Another was a teenage girl i have only seen in pictures walking down an empty city street catching glimpses of herself in the mirrored windows and she saw a perfect version or how she sees herself I'm not sure which but she was happy when she saw the reflection.

This will do for now methinks.

How I feel about the passing of a friend

My friend died last week.  I didn't know him as well as everyone else but I don't really know anyone as well as anyone else.  He was the first of my contemporaries to go.  It feels like it's just the start and more will follow inevitably.  Now I feel I should review the way I live my life because when something like this happens it makes you realise your own mortality. I'm not sure exactly what I want to say here but just had to get some words out. I've noticed myself becoming more, I don't know, maybe aware or alive.  I went to see some one I work with at her other job whom I hardly know but I did it without thinking, normally that's something I wouldn't do at all or worry about going and then bottle it when I get there.  It doesn't sound like much but for me it's quite a big deal.  I've made friends with some people at work and we've been out a few times, being able to connect to other people is more important than I thought it was.

 

So, I think a concerted effort is required on my side to just, be and to have an impact on other people hopefully in a positive way.

 

This took quite along time to write but it's not edited just as is when I've come back to add more thoughts

 

Rest in Peace George, I miss you, we all do.

Crushing

I said I wouldn't but alas
*sighs*
more later