This Weekend

So it's a Bank Holiday weekend, yay for the extra day off although I did have to work on Saturday which was a pain seeing as I was still pissed from the night before.

Back to Friday. I went to the pictures with some guys from work to see Pirates of the Caribbean: The One with lots o' Jacks. It was really good but I found it quite long but that maybe down to the fact I hadn't been to the cinema in about a year and a half also because I live in the west end it's like a tenner to see a film and I'm normally brass. Anyway we left the picture house at about half ten and I was supposed to meet another friend to see a gig but I was way tired after a long week and said my goodbyes to everyone which was bizarre for reasons I won't go in to here (just yet). On my way home I popped in to the Crown & Anchor to see my sister and to pay my respects to a friend who died last week but I wasn't feeling like seeing people so I left and went home. At home I was feeling restless and I went out again to O'neills where I knew nobody would be there, just yet anyway, and started knocking back the pints at an alarming rate and decided to go back to the other pub but it was shut. It turned out they were in The White Hart because some of them are banned from O'neills (I'm not entirely sure how I figured out they would be at this pub). While there I met an old friend who was as pissed as I was and we chatted about the good old days and she said if my ex gives me any trouble she would sort her out and there are not many chaps like me who want to see their kids which made me smile and I started feeling less sorry for myself. We headed back to O'neills now The White Hart was closing but I still felt alone even though everyone was there and i was talking to them I even ask one of my friends I went to Cali with if he wanted to go to Brazil (which I completely mean to follow up on). Those of us still standing left at closing or about half an hour later being coaxed away from our drinks, I walked with a friend to there flat and talked to her about something I'd done but wasn't sure if it was OK to have done it (more on that later (probably)). So I made my way back home where fully intended to sleep for two days straight however work was but a few hours away.

Saturday, that was fun. I got to work just on time after an understandably sluggish start (sleep came and went every few minutes through the night/morning) I was hoping for a quiet day which mercifully it was, after some ibuprofen lots of water and fast food I started feeling a little better. It was then I realised I was supposed to be going out again tonight, I didn't want to look at another alcoholic beverage for at least a week. I'd asked some people to go with me so I couldn't let them down so I went home and changed for the gig Which was at The Old Blue Last to see The Noyze, The Genies The Sessions (who turned out to be DJing and not playing which was one of the main reasons for going), Horsebox and Mark Keds Like A Bitch. We got there just before 9 and the first band my friend from work was already there and my sister and her friend came with me. It was unusually quiet in there for some reason and I don't think my friends were enjoying it as much as I'd hoped because I love this place and I always have a good time when I come here. Anyway they all left early (last trains and all that) and I was on my own again. I went to sit down by the DJ booth and I must have fallen asleep what with being up s long, the Geezer from The Sessions tapped me on the shoulder and asked me if I was OK, I was, and made my way to the bar and to see the last band of the night which I was looking forward to and glad I didn't sleep through. Mark Keds was fantastic, he felt like a Libertine and had that urch charm that people talk about. Cue me jumping around like a lunatic. After the set I went to H the promoter and told him I thought the night was fantastic and I wanted to see them again as well as the other bands who were also awesome. So I left. I got to Holborn it was about two or half past and I needed some cash and went to the cash machine where i was trying to explain to someone who had asked how to get to Fabric but it was complicated on foot and told em to get a taxi but they said they were poor. As I was walking to O'neills I thought "How can you go to Fabric If you are poor that place is expensive" but never mind I got to the pub and my sister was there with her friend chatting to a fella but I'd already had a skin full and didn't stay long. So home to bed.

Sunday, mostly slept but got up to go to the pub and watched the Hurling where Cork were playing Clare with my old man and we drank a few pints and I figured out I drank about 23 pints in a day and a half and went home again to eat and rest before we went to the pictures again this time to see Zodiac. I thought it was a good film but again it felt really long and would have been better at home on TV. We got back and I watched a couple of films until daybreak The first one was The girl from Rio i think, which had Hugh Laurie in it and the it was Psychomania with Beryl Reid about some bikers who kill themselves to come back invinsible and terrorie their town and then I saw HPatGoF.

Today I did sod all bar write this blog.

Coming Up ...update

somethings I'll be doing in the coming weeks

May 17: Bishi With Paloma Faith at The Lock Tavern

May 21: Kirsten's 2nd Birthday

May 25: Morten Valance with Captain Black , The ripps and Stylish Riots DJs at Barfly

May 26: Mulligan Presents Mark Keds LAB (Like A Bitch), Ex Senseless Things and JOLT, The Sessions, The Genies, The Noyze Djs: Albanak Djs at The Old Blue Last

June 2: Of Montreal With Fields, Lupen Crook and The Strange Death Of Liberal England at Scala

June 6: The Fay Wrays at Turnmills

June 7: Connor's 5th Birthday

June 8: Hadouken! With Late of the Pier at Koko

June 10: The Fay Wrays at The Constitution

June 13: The Fay Wrays at The Luminaire

July 14: London's largest water fight at Hyde Park

July 25: Cibelle With Tunng, Infantjoy, Robert Logan and Sonver at The Luminaire

August 20: Circle Line Pub Crawl at Various pubs on the Circle Line

I've just realised...I've got nothing to say

I got food poisoning last night, I felt fucked. But here I am at work, an hour and a half early I might add. I'm really not looking forward to working today.

I had the kids on Saturday they were reasonably well behaved which makes the day a whole lot easier. We went to the park for a while and Connor's nose bled when he banged his nose on the floor and Cole was quite content going up the slide the wrong way. They still fight with eachother a lot but I suppose I an expect that until they're adults and even then I'd imagine they would still fight. On the way back to their mothers Cole fell asleep and I gave Connor my iPod to listen to the Beatles (1962-1966 Red) and he was really enjoying it. I felt quite relaxed, usually I feel stressed by their behaviour but today was OK. When I don't have them I miss them but I can't help thinking they don't really need me anymore, like we're going through the motions. Sometimes I just feel like a babysitter.

I got a new iPod the other day my old one just died. I can't believe I went so long without one. It's great because now I can ignore people on the bus. Oh, and I just figured out how to scrobble iPod plays which is great because I like stats (I'm a bit sad can you tell).

I don't plan on going to any gigs in the near future so probably no late night tales of being drunk or lost or both. But I'll probably just decide to go out 5 minutes before I find out about a gig, I can be impulsive like that so you never know. They say the unplanned nights are the best. Although I would be quite content to stay at home and listen to music all day and have no contact with the outside world I can be reclusive like that.

Anyway I haven't eaten in a day and I can't tell if I'm hungry or not and a dismal day of mind crushing boredom awaits (go work).

Edit: I just realised this is the 50th blog I've published, I feel quite proud. I don't know if I can get to 60 let alone 100 but enjoy this and plan to continue but I still have problems getting the words out.

Things I would like to do...(a work in progress)

...preferably before I'm 30 (487 days as of today)

The Circle Line Pub Crawl (27 stops 28 drinks!!!) which I have scheduled for my birthday in August.

Visit 5 continents. 3 down (America, Africa, Europe) 2 to go (Asia, Australia). I should be going to Thailand either this year or next.

Be published (in print) even if it's just a letter.

Be involved in the music business.

Go to 7 gigs in 7 days (tried this last year and gave up after 3 nights, I was exhausted and perpetually drunk).

Her heart still dictates, and her hand obeys.

I just watched Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind which I really enjoyed and it got me thinking about 'free spirits' which I thought Winslet's character was to a certain extent anyway.

I've met a few people like this, they are normally female for some reason., the thing is they scare me a bit I'm not sure why maybe it's the reckless abandon in which they live their lives. I know for sure I'm jealous, I just wish I could take the risks they do.

People say it's just a way to hide your insecurities (isn't that a better way to hide than actually hiding like I do) but surely there must be some who are naturally care free. I wish they didn't scare me because I wish to be more like them.

Q. How to lose friends & alienate people

A. Not sure but I am really good at it.

Blog the 1st (at work)

Hey I just figured out how to blog at work, damn rubbish restrictive internet we have here.

Anyway work is shit, I'm doing 08:30-19:00 today and I'm completely knackered. There's not enough staff as usual and I've forgotten how to spell. I think I have the dullest job in the history of employment, if it weren't busy I'd be tearing my hair out. It's no wonder I sit here daydreaming all the time I'm a bit worried for my sanity need. something. interesting.

I don't think I will go to the gig on Thursday, I'm a bit skint and I have the kids the next day anyway so I'll need to be fresh for them. Oh and it's Easter this weekend but I have to work on Saturday which will be fun, can you tell that was sarcasm, I still don't know if I'm expressing myself properly on here.

Sorry I'm rambling again, I do have things to say but they're not coming out coherently. I'm just very tired and I'd rather do this because it takes my mind off work.

Time and sleight of hand

I love going to the coast. From the journey on the train and the walk from the station to the beach it was all good. More recently I get the nostalgic feeling as well. Leaning over the railing watching the hypnotic waves crashing insistingly in to the foundations of the pier. English summers when I knew it would rain at least once before the end of the day. The dark arcades on the promenade where I would spend dads money playing games I wasn't any good at. Rubbish mini golf where I would beg my dad to play both courses and he would let me win each time and I would feel bed for beating him. The Knickerbocker Glory I could never finish but would insist on ordering every time. The not wanting to leave even though I could hardly keep my eyes open. Even the sunburn I would invariably get and yes even when it rained.

Those days I wish would never end but all too soon they're gone. I miss them deeply like the seaside was a friend, someone to rely on who would always be there.

They're not gone I just experience them in a different way. I'll be letting my boys win at mini golf and get sick from too much ice cream and while I carry them to the station and watch them sleep with the rolling of the train I'll remember those worry free days of youth and innocence while we journey back to that grey old city.

:sigh:

A Day In The Life

The news is saying there's been a spate of stabbings, shootings, violence whatever! It's not a spate, it just doesn't get reported all the time that's all. Every so often an incident occurs that is nationally news worthy (Damilola Taylor who was 10 and more recently Kiyan Prince, 15) and afterwards every single case the papers can get their hands on is in the news. What I don't understand is why things are reported in the way they are, I think it's because of a political agenda you know like get rid of the Prime Minister he is not doing a good job or whatever. Violence and youth is nothing new but it is getting worse, when I was a kid we used our fists but I digress, I don't know what should be done about it really or where the fault lies (parents, society, gangsta rap videos, genetic defect???) isn't it our nature to be good? I suppose if I was 'in charge' I would like to see more facilities for kids like sports or music clubs and not just funded by charities with woeful equipment. It will never disappear completely but surely doing something like this would help reduce the number of incidents.

The reason I write is because I have two kids who are going to be growing up with these things happening around them and I hope I never have to be a parent who loses their son to mindless violence I can't begin to imagine what it feels like to lose someone in this manner. Being a parent really changes your perspective on things.

What'll you do when you get lonely...

The girl I like, the one at work. I don't know if I like her, I think I do but I'm not sure. I thought I knew about my last but as it turned out I didn't not really, that's why I'm not sure this time. It feels like a crush, It feels like the last time. I'm not expecting anything, I don't think it will get further than me asking and her rejecting anyway. Is love an instant classic (Can't Stand Me Now) or a grower (Calm Down Dearest) I used to think it was the former I hope it still could be but am veering towards the latter could be age or rational thought I don't want to lose my faith in love and well you get the picture. I need to calm down and take things as they come and not invest so much in flights of fancy, I need to escape my head and look at things from a different/new perspective. Hmmm

Music Is My Hot Hot Sex

At the moment I like music more than I want to go dating. I don't know if it's because music is easier than dating or I'm scared of getting back in the ring with the opposite sex because you can have music and date at the same time especially if the girl likes the same music you do. All the girls I come into contact with like 'urban' apart from the ones at the gigs obviously. I talk to girls at gigs, not a lot but sometimes but I'm ot trying to get in their pants so there isn't much pressure apart from when they think I am trying to get in their pants then I get embarrased and blush then it's awkward. I think, I think too much!

For now, I am reasonably happy to be lost in music, caught in a trap!

It's Been A While

I think I may be a groupie, I went to Death Disco for the first time on Wednesday. I also managed to get a colleague to come along so I only looked half as sad as I usually do (I was looking for the girl I like to come along but I couldn't find her, a it turned out she was busy, probably would've said no though). Anyway I went to see this band who I've been following, The Fay Wrays, I missed their last gig but it was OK because they said it was shit.

So, we got there far too early which meant we got in for free and therefore had more money for drinks, yay. I went over to say hello to the chaps from the band which impressed my work mate until I introduced him as 'the man who doesn't know who Jimi Hendrix was' (this is true he didn't know who he was) much hilarity ensued except for work mate but he got over it and started enjoying himself.

The band, I thought, were great as usual but they were complaining that the sound quality was a bit shit but from this side of the stage it was fine and the new songs were really good too. Oh yeah I forgot about my new groupie status, I asked for the setlist and I got the drumsticks (from the new drummer) and the guitar pick as well, go me (I don't think I will sleep with any of the band though The singer, she's gay and the rest are boy) then I helped bring their gear to the cars (fuck me amps are heavy) and I got a lift home as well, a good night was had by all involved.

On a lighter note the last bits of paperwork for my divorce are coming through, which in reality doesn't change the status quo of me being sad and alone just now it will be official! I'm thinking of having a reverse stag do (what would you call that a 'gats' do, I know don't quit the day job). I can see it now my gats do me a bottle of Gordons and Johnny Cash's Hurt on the speakers, or maybe I'll go were I'm happiest, to the gigs where I can be myself.

Sabotage

Relationships are great aren't they. Relationships with your family ,your friends, your colleagues even. They are supposed to be good things, right. They say we need them to get on in life. Mine, well mine I seem to sabotage, subconsciously I suppose. I'll blurt out something inappropriate or stick my foot in it somehow. I don't know why I do it, but I do. I'd rather be on my own most of the time anyway, otherwise I feel the need to prove myself and I shouldn't be made to feel that way. I think I need to find myself a new set of friends but when I meet new people I feel they think I'm weird or something by the way I act or speak. Maybe I'm being paranoid I don't really know. It's a learning curve this life thing and at 28 I've still a long way to go.