I'm still here

Well, it's been 15 months since I've been anywhere near this page, I'd almost forgotten it existed.  I've started reading a lot recently thanks to a kindle from my girlfriend for christmas that's helped me with my concentration no end. Reading has also inspired me to try and write again  It feels strange sitting in front of a blank screen again desperately trying to figure out what to write to fill the void.

How about a quick catch up?

I started seeing someone, something I would never have thought possible but despite this massive good fortune I fell in to a spiralling depression. The depression was always there just unrecognised. I went to see a doctor for the first time in five years and after much persuasion from my girlfriend. The doctor sent me to a counsellor but it didn't work out, too many bad memories were just making me feel worse.  Despite all this new help I was getting worse and was prescribed many different anti-depressants and was signed off work for what became six months after numerous visits to the doctors.  Being off work and spending much time alone I ended up putting on a lot of weight and lost some friends. I drank a lot and became inconsolable. I ended up taking an overdose of paracetamol. I went to hospital and I was kept in overnight and I saw a psychiatrist in the morning, it was an upsetting and sobering experience. My doctor sent me to the mental health team where i saw a psychiatric nurse and am still seeing a psychiatrist there.

I returned to work but it felt horrible (still does) but I needed to get back in to a routine. So for a while my routine was get up, go to work, come home from work, eat, sleep, repeat. It was getting to me terribly but i persevered. It breaks my heart everyday I go in to that office and I know I should leave and I know this is an excuse but there are no jobs out there I'm qualified for.

In the meantime I decided I would start cycling and signed up for a long distance cycle for charity. I am about to join a gym but I don't think I'll raise enough to get to go on the trip and if I don't get to go I will feel very gutted even though I managed to raise a bit for the charity because I viewed the cycle as a kind of goal and that if I could complete it it would mean something, that I would feel something.

I still find it hard to get over things and I haven't changed as a person but the loss of two friends hurt especially since I was going through such a hard time, I expected a little more from them maybe I shouldn't have.

While I was sick I didn't see my kids for over six months, I didn't want them to see me in the state I was in. I have since started seeing them again but it's not the same, like something is missing, I don't know what that is but again I persevere.

I don't do resolutions but I recently decided to start a new way of living. Something simple and healthy with lots of time for reading and meditation, which I'm rather excited about. Like I mentioned above I am joining a gym, walking or cycling to work and I will be having protein shakes for breakfast and lunch and for dinners I will make simple dishes with rice and vegetables and big stews that last for days.

I also need to learn how to make peace with myself and to feel the feelings at the opposite end of the spectrum to depression. I know I will have to live with the depression for a long time but if I take each day slowly, take my meds and try to do the things I enjoy then maybe one day...