Everybody Dance Now

I'm just lying down listening to my mate's mxitape, chilling out really trying to get my thoughts in order and planing what to do with my 2 days off. I will probably go for a stroll at some point today maybe along the canal or just in to the city to watch all the people who work in the offices rushing out to grab their lunches. I can't find my ipod to charge it so I'll have to use my mental music library to soundtrack the journey. The thing is it normally gets stuck on one track or artist and recently it has been Emmy The Great and she's making me rather sad. If it's not too cold I'll stop somewhere, maybe a park and try to write. I've not written outside for along time.

Tomorrow I've got a birthday (which will be another challenge to my non-drinking) to go to but I have a whole day before that. I'll probably do some more walking and maybe have lunch with a friend. I might feel completely different tomorrow so I don't want to plan ahead and cancel on someone. I'm really skint too so am having to borrow money for the next fortnight so going out a lot isn't really an option anyway.

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I'm currently wondering about broken hearts. Is it possible to have your heart broken if it is already in pieces? If your heart is in pieces is it possible to love someone? Do you have to be a whole person to really love? These questions are causing me some pain but I can't help thinking them, bearing in mind what I've been through they are perennially relevant to me. Because of my low self esteem I don't believe I'm capable of certain things and have been told I'm not by a few people who were in a position to really damage me by saying these things. I don't want to sound like I'm moaning and I know it comes across that way sometimes but it's giving me grief and I just need to vent it.

In relation to the previous paragraph I'm now wondering weather or not I can recognise beauty. I was sitting outside my friends house the other day just waiting for her to come home and I saw a blackbird and a robin in the bushes, it made me feel something but I'm not sure what. The blackbird caught a worm and the robin was just flitting in and out of the bush its breast was very vivid and it struck a chord with me for some reason. I didn't really have time to process it because my friend turned up. The point is I thought it was beautiful but there was doubt and that is what I'm worried about.

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I can't seem to find the energy to get out of bed today which is quite frustrating, damn wireless connections and laptops making it too easy to stay in bed while blogging.

Gonna try get up now, 'til next time...