Weakened

Friday

At a friends house but feeling rather low for some reason. I had an OK day at work, nothing much happened bar being 15 minutes late. To be honest I have been feeling lost for quite some time. Things seem to be going on around me and I am involved but don't seem to be part of the decision making process. I just had a week and a half off but don't feel any better for it right now, I may do later but at the moment nothing.

Saturday

Didn't get much sleep and was late for work again. Felt fine until just before lunch and had a bit of a downer for a few hours. Went to the pub after work with a couple of friends, still stuck to soft drinks and pretty much talked about nothing for 2 hours but it was nice to be social. Was supposed to got to a friends after but when I got home I changed my mind and decided to stay in on my own even though it would've been better for me to see people. Spent some time chatting to a friend online then tried to sleep but was up most of the night as usual.

Sunday

Got up to pick up the kids this morning and was fine until I left their house and was at the Bus stop I became very aware of how shitty I was feeling and realised it was the boys or seeing them at least that made me feel really bad, it was horrible nearly the worst I've ever felt. I know it's bad to give the children as a reason but it's the truth. When I see them I feel really bad. I can't help it. I don't know if it's being a bad parent and to be honest I don't care when I'm feeling this way, nothing else exists not even the kids. They don't deserve a father like me, I can't be who they need.