ohsolow

I'm sitting up listening to Portishead feeling really sad and close to tears. I can't get away from it, no matter how fast I run or how well I hide which means I should face it but what am I facing. I can't really see anything just feel a vague sensation of something not being right and I can't fight that. Sometimes I forget myself and feel quite good but I can't tell if it's real.

Apparently I'm losing a lot of weight which I've been complimented on and I've still not had a drink in 46 days and I suppose I should be proud but I don't like pride. I've also cut out fizzy drinks which I never thought I'd be able to do (I was like totally addicted to diet coke) but I've only been doing that just over a week.

I miss Southend

I miss walking through Dalston listening to the Libertines

I miss Paddington Station at 9pm

I miss Camden Town in the summer

I miss the Old Blue Last in the winter

I miss the Fay Wrays

I miss that late night, tear filled, explosion of emotion no matter how unsettling

I miss it all so much

those people and places and experiences made me feel real as well as loved, needed, cared for and wanted

12

My first go at 12seconds

check it out here

Weakened

Friday

At a friends house but feeling rather low for some reason. I had an OK day at work, nothing much happened bar being 15 minutes late. To be honest I have been feeling lost for quite some time. Things seem to be going on around me and I am involved but don't seem to be part of the decision making process. I just had a week and a half off but don't feel any better for it right now, I may do later but at the moment nothing.

Saturday

Didn't get much sleep and was late for work again. Felt fine until just before lunch and had a bit of a downer for a few hours. Went to the pub after work with a couple of friends, still stuck to soft drinks and pretty much talked about nothing for 2 hours but it was nice to be social. Was supposed to got to a friends after but when I got home I changed my mind and decided to stay in on my own even though it would've been better for me to see people. Spent some time chatting to a friend online then tried to sleep but was up most of the night as usual.

Sunday

Got up to pick up the kids this morning and was fine until I left their house and was at the Bus stop I became very aware of how shitty I was feeling and realised it was the boys or seeing them at least that made me feel really bad, it was horrible nearly the worst I've ever felt. I know it's bad to give the children as a reason but it's the truth. When I see them I feel really bad. I can't help it. I don't know if it's being a bad parent and to be honest I don't care when I'm feeling this way, nothing else exists not even the kids. They don't deserve a father like me, I can't be who they need.

40

I'm not your judge and I'm not your jury

I am sanctuary

I can't fix it or make it go away

I am sanctuary

I am your secret keeper, confidante

I'll keep you safe from harm no questions asked

This offer is always open for you

I am sanctuary 

when you need me