The Cunts Inbetween

We were chatting and came up with a third type of person, one that separates the good from eachother. Women and Men who take advantage of the fact we care and they don't and go about ruining your life be any means violent physically, psychologically and emotionally. I have scars mainly invisible unless the implicitly trusted few probe with the right words. I don't feel trusted for some reason, I digress.

Because of people like this I don't feel that I can enter in to any kind of relationship other than friendship. I made friends with someone a while back and maybe before I would have fallen for her but I haven't, we're great friends now and I love her unreservedly, she got me through a few rough times.

Apart from people I've lost contact with I can count true friends on one hand and I suppose that's the way it should be.

"But it's like we weren't made for this world (Though I wouldn't really want to meet someone who was)"

Sometimes I feel jealous even of these people who harbour so much hate they can treat people that way, they are the people who were made for this world and me and my best friend weren't maybe that's why the urge to leave it is so strong in us.

I'm also envious of people with faith of any kind, I just don't believe in anything anymore.

"If you've lost your faith in love and music then the end won't be long"

I want to have faith even if it's only in something small.

Is it better to have loved and lost. I don't know if I have loved. I can't believe I loved my ex but I do love my best friends and if one of them disappeared I know I would grow more faint at the very least, I don't see any way back.

what is feelings

I feel awful. Do you know when you have a fake smile on all day and your mouth hurts at the end well that's how my body and mind feel right now after putting on the fakery to get me through work with out tearing someones head off or my own.

Everyone has gone home now so I can relax but something's got my back up and I can't quite put my finger on it.

I had a great long chat with my best friend the other day and there were tears and truths and hugs but not much hope. I'm in a bad place (this is a blog about me so I won't go in to their issues, in case it looks a bit selfish I do actually care for them a great deal more than i do anything else) and even with the reassuring words of my true friends I can't claw my way out I'm wondering whether or not I can be saved or even if I deserve to be.

I can't get to grips with simple concepts like good and bad or right and wrong or faith recently damned philosophy. So I can't put myself in to a category if I refuse to believe in them. I know I'm not making myself clear but I need to write.

I've noticed I haven't cried much recently bar the above. I don't know how to feel about that, I've wanted to but nothing maybe I've used up my quota who knows.

I'm reaching out I suppose but for what I have no idea.

As usual there is more but alas they are probably lost to the mists of time and memory.

That dread feeling is worse than ever

I don't know what to do about it. I'm too close for comfort.I deserve it. I can't explain why like I can't explain how planes stay in the air I just know they do and I do.

The weakend

The weekend though not exactly lost was spent lazily reading The Slow Train to Milan and drinking vodka and beer. I can't review a book to save my life so I won't. I'll just say I couldn't put it down.

There is someone I love and they did something that made me love them more it was only a small thing but I don't even think they realise I love them, I don't mind for the moment. My head is so full of fucked up-ness telling them would come out wrong and ruin a perfectly good relationship as it stands. I suppose some things are better left unsaid, most of these things are floating around in my head somewhere and as such am quiet to the point of arrogance in some people's eyes. I'm just naturally quiet, someone put a great spin on it: I'm a person person not a people person, one on one's suit me fine I can give my full attention and receive it in kind, everything for me tends to come out "deep" when others can just have a lightness of touch as it were.

I'm back in my mire as you can probably tell nothing changed to put me there it just happened as I knew it would.

I used to want to resort to violence but it was never really me. I keep thinking about the easy way out but know I will never take it instead I just live recklessly destroying organs trying to forget it all.

One positive thing, I have an anchor however unstable it keeps me moored but I fear it's tenuous links crumbling no matter how much I help. The water is too deep to know what the anchor is anchored to.

Lost, Season 29 finale

Today I feel lost.

 

I've come in to work to do overtime and am currently an hour early sitting here listening to Beethoven's 9th wondering what the rest of the day will bring. I'm thinking too much it won't stop, it's like my mind has a mind of its own. I seem to be spending an inordinate amount of time on auto-pilot, going through the motions for whose benefit, not mine. Look at me I'm a shell protecting what's inside or maybe just hiding it from those who could help. I wear my heart on my sleeve but hardly anyone is let in. I think I'm reasonably candid about myself but there is so much most of you don't know, I'm getting too good at keeping it all in, I can divert or digress and throw you off course if I want to. Some people like to play games so I play along giving an image they want to see and let them think they are right about me. Some people think I'm an idiot and I let them but only I know I'm a fool.

 

When the people I love and trust want to help me I'm a trifle stifled (to understate in a slightly humorous way), I just can't get the words out. I will see such a person today and I know I won't say anything to her, I will make jokes and be a real boy to hide my plastic heart.

 

Have to go the rest of the world is coming.

 

Season 30 coming August 20 watch out for teasers

exist

I don't really know what to say I just wanted to post so I thought I'd make it up as I go along which is what I do any way... ah here goes then

 

I'm not sure what to do with myself. I'm tired, lonely, depressed and a whole load of other things I can't be bothered to list.  People tell me or love me. I don't believe them, I don't believe in anything especially myself. I have a lower opinion of myself than I do of anyone else good or bad. I suppose I could just do it but it would be a front something fake that would please everyone but me.

 

I'm just wrong

Certifiable?

I'll analyze and debate with myself till the subject bears no meaning like saying a word over and over again. I can't help it, it's like an obsession, a compulsion gnawing at me till I can't take it anymore.

If I didn't know I was insane I think I'd be insane.

Woke up this morning feeling fine...

...then work happened. I got shouted at for being late when I was 15 early, apparently the shift was changed the before and I wasn't in. I really don't appreciate it when I have to defend myself for things like that. I spent my entire school life being made to doubt what I knew to be true by students as well as teachers. Have been trying to calm myself since when someone tells me there are rumours flying about which involve me, I don't like rumours or gossip at the best of times but it's worse when it's about you. And then there are the people who are just lying to you.aaaargh!

 

I am beginning to feel bitter, twisted and paranoid and the only one it hurts is me.So why do I put myself through it and not just let things be as they are???

 

The worry and panic are making me feel drowsy now and I still have 4 more hours to go until I can leave this hell, I hope I can make it without further incident.

While I've been away

Sometimes at the place where I work there are people who think that if they are loud enough it will make them right, it's quite hard to work with these people.

-

I took four kids out for a day, that's right FOUR, that was hard but fun and really rewarding. We saw Kung Fu Panda in the Imax at the BFI and we watched the chaps on skateboards and BMXs on the Southbank then we went to Lincoln's Inn Fields to play frisbee and pick Daisies and there was this middle aged guy talking loudly on his phone about how these kids had just come in to the park being noisy and ruining his sunbathing experience which bothered me a lot. Then I took everybody home and then went to a mate's house to have a few cans watch a bit of Glasto (Jigga was the nuts covering Wonderwall as was Mark Ronson in all his awkward handsomeness) and chat the night away eventually getting home at 6am and gagging for my bed.

-

Went to a BBQ after work on a Friday and met some lovely people and drank some lovely Punch and ended up going straight to work on Saturday after a quick change of clothes.

-

Enjoyed the Black Kids' Partie Traumatic vinyl and listened to The Pogues' Rum, Sodomy and the Lash and Bowie's Ziggy Stardust a helluva lot.

-

I spent roughly two weeks not in a desperate mire of depression which was a strange feeling in itself, I can still feel it just over the horizon though.

-

Finished a couple of books (Rumo by Water Moers, The Good Soul of Szechuan by Bertolt Brecht and Albee's Who's afraid of Virginia Woolf) and started one more (The Outsiders By S.E. Hinton) which means I'm roughly two fifths of the way through the fifty as for the 100 bands in a year I've seen 61 different bands I can remember the name of and about ten I can't.

-

Healthwise: generally well but for a few spells of dizziness, light-headedness and fainting

-

There's a girl at work whom I love to compliment but I think she thinks I'm trying to get in her pants which I'm not. My best friend at work whose name is Nicole keeps on surprising me and is forever appreciated.

-

All in all life has been the usual rollercoaster of thrills, spills and nonsense and now I feel better for this release. and hopefully the next time is a while lot sooner than this one.

Cheeriebye