I know what but not why

I'm not gonna do it! That much is obvious however I will continue to obsess over it. It sounds harsh and maybe I've said it before but I see no reasons for being.

I will continue to be and will continue to slowly destroy myself.

I cried yesterday for something I didn't cry over when it happened over four years ago.

People think it's the drink or- or my marriage break up but these are just things that have exacerbated it. I've felt this way for as long as I can remember and mostly when you see me happy it's a front to get by without the hassle.

Recently I have lots to feel good about (there's even been genuine smiles) and it sounds contradictory but I'll enjoy it while I can and maybe that will be for the rest of my life.