An incomplete catch up

I keep meaning to get on here but don't seem to have the will to do it. I mean I'm forcing myself now because I really need to.

 

I have been really down for a couple of weeks, those who know me can see it under the mask I hate wearing. I don't expect anyone else to see or care either way.

 

Today at work I annoyed the two people I'm closest to constantly. I know they understand but I'm very close to tipping them over the edge and thus killing the friendship that just goes to show how little I really care for myself.

 

I lasted a month not drinking but I don't mind so much, it turns out I'm dependant on it for a social life. I started again at a Halloween party, I really enjoyed myself and was hardly self conscious at all I even dressed in a costume thankfully customised by T and my sister. I met someone I hadn't seen for an age and we arranged to go and see her friend sing at a bar, I forgot I missed her.

 

I have been having a hard time concentrating on anything at all for more than a few minutes at a time, it's like when you have a crush but without an object of affection/desire.

 

I seem to be eating a lot more than usual. The lust for life is slowly ebbing away and I don't appear to be too bothered by this. People who should really understand are telling me to jack it in. Indirectly of course, otherwise that would be tactless.

 

I got my next tattoos but I haven't had a chance to post photos, I got Cole my youngest son on my forearm and a Libertine one on my upper arm like the boys in the band.

 

I went for a walk the other day while really depressed. I walked from the bridge in Mile End, the one which has been turned into a park, all along the canal for 3 or 4 miles to Angel just looking at the other towpath users, it was quite busy for a Sunday mainly joggers and cyclists. Most people think of the canal as ghastly but I think it's beautiful and I'm fascinated by the locks even though they're fairly straight forward I still think they're ingenious. Anyway, every so often I looked in to the water wanting to just throw myself in then I'd laugh at myself because I could see the bottom and I'm a strong swimmer so it would've been moot

 

I don't know what to do with myself now I'm completely fucked up, nothing is making any sense anymore. I spend most of my time alone in my room not being, it's horrible.

 

Must try and be more regular on here it feels a little better to get it all out.