On a lighter note

The Dirty Pretty Things gig was sensational. I was right up the front bar one getting crushed with the best of them basking in the glow of that beautiful band. I nearly lost my glasses on several occasions but it really worth it. I helped a girl up to crowd surf which was strangely satisfying. At the end Carl dived on top of us and I had his hand in mine. I felt euphoric, like I could die happy.



There was also a funny fight over a towel thrown from the stage between two fellas which was reasonably amusing just for its shear longevity.

-

(a minor segue from T)

A man without a voice yet his actions scream louder than words could. Someone I could............ still can let myself drop and know will catch me. No confidence yet more beauty than you could meet over a life time. Lucky to know. Yet doesn't know. Needs me????????????? Has no clue to how much is needed. I'm lucky.... so so lucky. Won't forget. Well try not to forget with everything I have. SO from here now FUN. Joy with my friends. Hope for the more memories like the ones we have shared. YET seem to forget. Positive. Support. Hope. and whether good or bad more memories together. So till then lets NOT hold our breath xxxxxxxx

-

O what friends! for minor read major in more ways than one and also the question marks are completely unnecessary.

-

In short Amazing gig and apparently amazing friends, who knew.

Square Triangle Cicle, Cross

Not as rigid as triangles and you can fit more things in to squares. I am a square, I have four sides and also an inside and outside. Four sides have never ending pressure, the other two are valves. There's a complex set of mechanisms that work me. I still can't figure them all out. Which means the pressure builds to an insurmountable conclusion and the square is now rubble.

There is nothing in the rubble, no survivors, no dead, not even memories. Just the mortar of a life not worth living. I wonder weather people scour the rubble in search of pieces of me. And then I scold myself for being that optimistic.

I can feel myself spiralling, freefalling beyond the rubble. Down, down through the earth and inner space to nothingness, well nothing other than pain and suffering. Ah home, sweet home.

Maybe I should be a circle, just a valve letting everything just silently pass through me, uninvolvement.

To be...

So I've been reasonably happy for the last few days and it feels, well, odd frankly. To be honest other people have far more problems than I do and I know I should concentrate on myself before everyone else but I can feel the depression looming just in the corners of my mind. It would be so easy to let it flood over me and just go under and be somewhere more familiar. So, what to do? I don't feel I deserve happiness and therefore I am on a collision course with my old world and I'm happy enough being kamikaze. Treading the water and just to sink into the murky waters of depression feels like the right thing to do no matter how unhealthy. Dying would be to easy for me and would leave far to much problems for those I leave behind. I need to suffer this alone. I need to take it all in, let it consume me until I'm barely recognisable as human. I still don't understand what it is to be human. To be good or bad, happy or down, right or wrong. I want to let go and leave it to someone else to pick up the pieces but I need to do it alone no one can solve me. Save me. I am my own salvation but am too ridiculous to help myself. Soory about the long rant but it's better off my chest, I think.


Hmmm!!!

Carl Barat's sweat smells really, really nice

Seriously, you don't understand how good it was.

That's all.

The Rain

(for T & F)

The unnecessary confirmation
Came from the positive confrontation
of two. I could never accept, never
believe. My esteem would never let me.
But there it was, on either side of me.
Expressions of truth, trust and confessions.
My silence spoke cliched volumes as your
reassurances dried my dampened eyes.

With plans and promises we said goodbye.
My faith, hope, trust and love restored somewhat.
The next day I woke up happy, refreshed
ready to face the world and it's weather.

Here is another crap poem

I'm halfway through seeing 100 bands this year but am nowhere near reading 50 books. The way things are going I'll probably only read 25 and I'm cheating by reading plays and poetry.

-

Love from Ariel

This picture perfect pair were a Monet
And for what reasons I could never say
They were idols of the way things should be
In love and the pursuit of happiness

I was never close enough to their hearts
Or close enough to see their painful tears
I stood back, kept my impression of them
Intact for the sake of my delusion

The birds of rumour circled their remains
swooping down to feed on romantic loss
This is what I saw, this is how I knew
Of the demise of the perfect picture

I know you're married but...

Martha Wainwright at The Royal Festival Hall was the absolute nuts!

Opening with a few tracks from the new album and then introducing Ed Harcourt and his missus and Romeo from The Magic Numbers they did great renditions of Lachrymosity and I See You, I See Me. then a couple of tracks from her first album and an interval. After the break she had two more guests namely Beth Orton who dueted on Floyd's See Emily Play which was stunning and Schlomo who makes funny noises in his mouth got a massive round of applause after their track.

The concert was two and a half hours long including the interval of twenty minutes and with all the special guests made it a wonderful experience I'll never forget.

I need a fix 'cause I'm going down

Decrepit ruins of lives destroyed by lies

False declarations in conversations

Wasted hope, wasted fear, wasted love

For life gone but not forgotten

Wand'ring through this lonely life

There's no one left but me

It's my own doing

It's my own fault

It's over

Finished

Gone

The Divine Comedy

I've just started reading it and it is fairly easy to read so far. I haven't bothered with the introduction or the notes but will probably look at them once I've finished.

I promised myself I'd take it easy today and so far so good. I think I may even break out the vinyl later and lie in my darkened room letting the sounds surround me.

My main goal for when I get a day off from now on will be to not think of anything remotely connected to work because that is what generally gets me cross. Oh, and that age old resolution about having fewer regrets. Life is short etc.

At the moment I'm neither happy nor sad, excited or down. I just am and it's odd that I've noticed, at least this early, normally it's oh I'm being and I return to the world of worry and excuses and general "apartness" from real life.


Also I want to get involved in charity, well more than giving a few bob to people collecting and so on. Maybe some time in a shop, summat along those lines.


A friend of mine gives blood fairly regularly and I think I should start doing the same if my blood's acceptable.

It's not to be good or because it's the right thing to do I just think it's something I should do, which I'm still really not sure of, oh well.

Back to life, I suppose.

The Less Assured

'twas a bit shitty weather wise today so the kids and I just watched the first two Harry Potter pictures and went to their aunties and made chocolate cornflake cake type things.

Once I'd dropped them home I read a fair bit of Plath's The Colossus on my journey back. I'm finding it quite difficult but am enjoying it nonetheless.

I've been out drinking a couple of times recently but it wasn't very enjoyable and the mornings after even less so. So I am just going to go back to not drinking at all.

I should be getting my second tattoo and possibly third very soon and am really looking forward to it.

Now I'm going to try and relax for the rest of the weekend

Waiting for the beat to kick in

There's a line in a song that says why can't you decide to be in a good mood and then just be in a good mood. I really wish I could be that way but I just can't bring myself to do it. It's like that trick to confidence by pretending to be confident.


It's just not me.

giggle

The ticket has been found.

Serj Tankian is back on, COME ON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You have 1 new message

I'm out with my mates
soz hun ill b a bit l8
It's my round boys
what'll it be

Where's my baby
I've been waiting ages
dont b lng luv u xx
I'll just finish this rosé

These Tequilas are going down a treat
Barmaid's well tasty
babes bin eld up b back soon k
Alright love, what's your name then?

He's always doing this
'Enders is boring let me call him
can't reach him maybe he's on the tube
call me when u get this xx
Or maybe he's with his mates

Her name is Tracey
she's finished her shift
and knows an after hours club
Ran into an old friend gonna have a quik 1
dont wori stop txin
Tracey takes my hand and leads me out

He's lying, I know it
Mascara on my cheeks now
have ur drink u bstrd
dnt com bk
where's the Bacardi

Fucking bitch
what, no not you.
pls dnt b like dat i luv u u no
I get some cocktails for us
but Tracey's gone when I get back

Never should've taken him back
More trouble than he's worth
but I love him
im sori pls com home ill w8 up x
why am I doing this to myself

I don't know where I am
I think I drank too much
At least the silly bitch still loves me
on way back baby, home soon yeah
Now where's the bus stop

It's light outside now
I've sent him loads of texts
There's a police cordon on
the breakfast news
despite myself I smile

Another Snag...

I went to a barbecue on Saturday night. I always get to these things too early so I went to the Trolley Stop for a couple and wandered around the junction passing some of the most beautiful smells coming out of a Caribbean takeaway I wished I wasn't going to eat later so I could try some. The queue was out the door anyway so I headed for the barbecue stopping off to buy a bottle of Wray & Nephew. The building where the hosts live was stunning especially for the part of town and the views from the terrace were sublime the best of which was the orange/red sunset over west London.

I saw a few people I hadn't seen since last year and discussed, amongst other things, depression, children, changing London, relationships. I started off in a fairly breezy mood which steadily turned darker, not that anyone noticed, it's all about keeping up appearances.

Ended up back at home at about 4am and fell asleep roughly 90 minutes later and drifted in and out until I got up at 11am. I haven't really left my room since except to brush my teeth and use the w.c..

-

In other news I have lost my ticket for Serj Tankian and I'm really cross because I can't really afford to lose it or buy another.


These are my upcoming gigs:


The More Assured on the 14th May
Martha Wainwright on the 19th
Dirty Pretty Things on the 27th
Foo Fighters on the 7th June
Toots & The Maytals on the 18th

I'd imagine a few more inbetween.

I care because you do

So I was halfway between dreams and reality around 4:30 in the morning when I decided it would be a good idea to play an album I'd just got. It was a nightmare inducing piece of work, I was breaking out in sweats and starting to panic. Obviously my tired state of mind contributed to the fear and adrenalin coursing through me. It was rather thrilling, I've yet to hear it while fully conscious and am looking forward to it.

An extra curricular sojourn into the life of another

I stood in the shade
When you arrived I was bathed in light
She, who was like you, frayed my nerves
unknowingly.
Calm me now while we wait
with baby wipes and cigarettes.
I made bold steps and thought of skin,
the long walk embarrassed me
and the meal lay unfinished.
The longer walk shortened by smiles,
your support lingered long after you'd gone
as the needle made it's journey.

I came out on the wrong side, branded
tripping through tourists,
fiddling with film I heard my name.
We crossed the Styx and made our way to Dis
or Top Shop.
I felt safe with you, my guide.
We made our way west to my eventual departure
Stopping briefly for bikinis, hats and lost earrings
You'd be embarrassed later so I made my way
back to my life.

Bepanthen for the flesh and a song for the heart.

Tattoo

It's not healed properly yet but here it is...

Back in the arms of my baby and other stories

So I had a drink last night. I knew it would happen soon and to be honest it weren't that bad. The good points were free flowing conversation and a slight buzz. The bad points were the guilt, the dehydration and headache in the middle of the night. I will drink occasionally hopefully not enough to feel the guilt because that's the worst part for me. Even though there's nothing to feel guilty about.

I was sober for a little over 3 months and if I want to do it again I know I can.

I think I should attempt giving up soft drinks because they do more damage to me than the booze.

I have an awful headache right now, it's been coming and going for about a week but I'm trying not to take too many tablets.

Now I'm going to go back to wondering what to wonder about.

B is for Brilliant

I got the boys yesterday and took them to the Barbican, to the Family Film Club where they got to make Bee hats in honour of the film which was Bee Movie.There were roughly 20 other kids there and they all got up on stage to show off what they made, I thought my boys would be too shy to get up but they did. The film itself I thought was fantastic and the kids enjoyed it, it had the usual few jokes for the grown ups as well, Chris Rock was fantastic as a mosquito.

After the film we went to sit by the pond outside the Centre and admired the building from this new perspective (I'd only ever seen it from outside and underneath). We headed back to the tube passing by Mendelssohn's Tree on which someone drew a smiley face and some more graffiti down the steps over the footbridge that read "Muslims are so gay" and wondered whether the same person was responsible for both acts.

So, we got the tube to Bank to get the DLR to Island Gardens but the DLR was down and we ended up going to North Woolwich on the Jubilee instead to wonder around the O2 for a bit. We took a Clipper back to Embankment and got home suitably knackered and lazed watching Johnny Depp as Willy Wonka before taking the boys back.

I made my way back home on the Chingford to Liverpool Street and opened Sylvia Plath's The Colossus, not being able to concentrate on the book I thought about a text I got earlier and decided to act on it, what I didn't realise was that the text was sent 4 days ago and obviously I missed out on the event, one good thing came of it though...

...first there was the bar with no name then there was Betsey Trotwood and more recently the the Prince Arthur. Now there is a new favourite bar and it's the Three Blind Mice, Ravey Street. It's tiny (about the size of my front room), low ceiling (7ft max), 60 different bottles of spirits behind the bar (I know, I counted every single one) and they don't sell after shocks or even red bull, they sell things like Hendricks Gin and Wray & Nephew. The music is fantastic, chilled out trip hop, kitschy french electronica and jazzy Brazilian 60's while I was there. The staff/owners (it seemed as if they cared a lot about the place so am assuming they have more invested in the place than a hired hand) were lovely and even one even asked me about the book I was reading, I love it when people take an interest, not for the attention, it's just nice to share and communicate.

Not a bad start to my week off I suppose.

Seriously Mick you fucker

So I've been reading Bukowski and I really like his style I'm not sure how I'd go about recreating it but I would like to, I think it would suit what I want to say.

I have ideas flitting through my mind before I can write them down, very frustrating. Damn my memory and lack of concentration.

I should be getting my tattoo within the next month or so.

Played a lot of Chaz n Dave at work today which lightened the mood somewhat. I also put a quote on the board which my friend wrote for me in a birthday card in latin which basically means "don't let the bastards grind you down". I took great joy in telling people what it meant and right under the noses of the oppressors, yay. I still don't have the nuts to write "Arbeit Macht Frei" though, bearing in mind the company's country of origin, maybe on me last day or summat.

I have a week off next week and I really need to do summat worthwhile instead of waiting it like I usually do. I'm thinking galleries, museums, gigs, walks and definitely some writing. Oh and get me hair cut it's down past me shoulders now.

Now it's time to go be the bold adventurer and hold up Excalibur.

Boozer's Lament freestyle (can't write for toffees)

I don't know why
I gave up booze
or maybe I do
but I won't admit it to myself,
it's better to get by
without asking yourself
too many questions
for fear of an answer
I don't really want to hear.

three months go by
slowly
every bar and pub
an open invite to oblivion
I'm all too willing to take
but what stops me
I made no promises
I told few people
who, no doubt,
are sick and tired
of my bitching and whining

sole
source
solace
sauce
sorry
soul
so long