Did you ever feel like Briony when you were growing up, I still do sometimes but to a lesser extent. I see people doing things and feel as though I don't understand, my grown up mind does not allow me to make a fool out of myself by interfering. The world's not new to me, I've seen a fair bit, but every now and then I feel naive and innocent. It takes a while for things to dawn on me, I think maybe my mind's not as sharp as it once was. I get innuendo, that's easy, but I miss obvious things like stop talking about that thing someone's coming who shouldn't hear it and I'll carry on until it's nearly too late.
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I know this bloke who used to wind me up no end with semantics and I'd fall for it every time until I started fighting back, it took a while because he's gormless and you can't get the message through to him. I made a fool out of him which pained me but if it only made him think twice before speaking and learning some tact maybe it was worth it. To paraphrase - your brother's gay, why don't you kill him - I think the only reason the guy didn't twat him was because he was stumped by the audacious stupidity of the comment. Sometimes I think the guy is having us on with a strange and surreal act but to what purpose, does he make everyone else look stupid by the way we treat him, many people have been rendered speechless by the things he does or says. If he's not as stupid as he makes out then why do it. Does he feel good being ridiculed by his peers. He also switches his game up when he talks to hot girls with a sincere act some seem to fall for. Maybe it's just me losing faith in humanity, hmm.
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Do I believe I am good or bad? No one is 100% either obviously but fundamentally I feel I am bad, I do good things, selfless things, but nothing shakes the guilty feeling. I'm not explaining it properly here, I'll write more when I can figure out how to.
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