Smells Like Kevin Barnes

Oh yes it does!

 

The show was amazing last night, first gig in ages. Went on me own and just drank coke. I had a really good time dancing like a nutter the only downside was the wait between the bands. The new stuff was really good but I was stuck at the back with the people that aren't that bothered so they weren't getting involved although this was the gig where I saw the most people dancing. And for some reason they have a lot of tall fans, I'm 6 foot 2 and I was having trouble seeing the stage.

 

One of the very few things to put a smile on this face, thank you of Montreal x

 

I have a cunning plan (hmm dubious methinks)

Just finished work and I'm totally Jacob's, my hands are fucked from RSI or CTS or summat. I've been yo-yoing again the lows being much worse than the highs which are kinda just level I suppose.

 

I was at a my friend's son's birthday party and this blanket of fear and pressure enveloped me close to paralysis, I was so scared but I knew I had to stay for the kids even though my sister was there and would've understood, the urge to escape was so powerful even though I could hardly move, it was horrible I haven't felt that bad in a long time and never with the kids, thinking about it makes me nervous even now.

 

I went out to eat with a friend the other day and had a really good time but I was plastered (it were half way though a 12 hour bender) I was off the next day so that was OK.

 

Speaking of drinking, I have decided to give it a rest for a while (again) but this time I have a plan and my geeky love of numbers on my side.

 

Part 1: The Numbers

 

I quit on the last of September which makes it really easy to chart my progress (15 days so far). I like to count and I know it's not much but it keeps me happy, occupied and sober where's the harm :)

 

Part 2: The Friends

 

Now, here there are a few variables the biggest of which is that they don't really know yet. What I intend to do is ask my friends for one or two nights a month where we can go out or just chill at home not drinking (they can drink), sometimes just the two of us and sometimes a few more people. I have four friends who I can ask to do this which works out to at least one social night a week. I'm sure they'll all agree, I went out with one friend on Saturday and we went to a restaurant and for a walk in the park, it was peaceful and relaxing but exciting at the same time because I am still paranoid about people not showing up or cancelling for a made up reason but she came and it was more relief than joy at first though that changed later.

 

Part 3: The Pay-off

 

I'm not really motivated by money, as long as the bills are paid I'm fine. This was just going to be a month long experiment at first and I would see how much I saved not drinking (I spent a monkey over a three day bender) but since I'm extending this little experiment I'll be ables to see if I'm just spending the cash on summat else (my other vices are books and music oh and food, I eat far too much). I don't have a specific end date for this maybe it'll just go on and on.

 

Like I said earlier I'm 15 days to the good and feeling a little on the confident side of things, this is partly due to a new friend I've made at work (the one I went to eat and the park with above). She is marvelous and has helped me so much in such a short space of time. I'm really happy I've met her and hope our relationship grows even more.

Back to... Men in... Roger...

Black. Black. Black.

 

My mood's not shifting. It's worse at night, trapped in my room feeling lost and claustrophobic and I need the lights on now. It actually hurts so much that I can't breathe. It's quite scary. There are people but I feel so alone. I put my game face on and most people don't know or notice or care. I can't see beyond the pain. I don't know where to go from here. Switching to auto-pilot.