Bowie spun round and round. His voice pulsing through the room as the poison pulsed through my damaged, failing body. The beat kept me focused on nothing but the music. The rise and fall of Ziggy Stardust and of my chest. My lungs gasping for air through lips mouthing his words. Words I'd mouthed many times before. I was in love with the music my faithful mistress fucking for forty minutes. My heart raced but I was still, fighting the urge to bounce off the walls. My senses felt heightened like i was hyper-aware, even though it was dark all the furniture scattered around the room was in sharp focus, the sheets on my bed felt crisp to touch and the spiders from mars were crystal clear. I felt calmer when we got to Suffragette City and I was ready to commit Rock and Roll Suicide.
I was neither high nor low just still, wondering about the equilibrium and precarious a fulcrum it was balanced on.
My mind drifted to the back streets of Clerkenwell on a mild Sunday morning where I felt at peace. My back to St Paul's, I took in the architecture, the skyline created and then turned my head to study the flagstone and tarmac and everything else that made up the surface I pounded. The same as every other street in London but the cracked and broken flags and the yellow lines felt more real here like they'd been trodden upon by those more deserving of life. They left a permanent invisible mark which I'd accidentally stumbled across. It fascinated me no end. I would sit on the curb and breathe it all in trying to suck up the remnants of deserved lives maybe hoping I deserved to live too.
Saturday, 30 August 2008
Tuesday, 19 August 2008
3030303030303030
I didn't think I'd feel so affected by this milestone and nothing more. Is it my middle age? midlife crisis? fear of an unknown era? all three? who knows? I just want to lose myself in my twenties and maybe never return , played darts today and kicked everybodies arse, wonders if the fun will cease with the new era?
Rationally there is no need to worry and generally I'm laid back so it's against the flow for me to worry.
Keep dreaming of Bella and co, it's absolutely fucking bizarre. I've nearly finished Eclipse and I keep dreaming of a vampire Bella who doesn't crave blood and fits right in with the stat quo.
Feeling rather shitty in general but sure I will get over it and last into my thirties some way at least.
Roll on adulthood I assume
Well, Happy Birthday to me &c
Rationally there is no need to worry and generally I'm laid back so it's against the flow for me to worry.
Keep dreaming of Bella and co, it's absolutely fucking bizarre. I've nearly finished Eclipse and I keep dreaming of a vampire Bella who doesn't crave blood and fits right in with the stat quo.
Feeling rather shitty in general but sure I will get over it and last into my thirties some way at least.
Roll on adulthood I assume
Well, Happy Birthday to me &c
Sunday, 17 August 2008
2929292929292929292929
I wasn't bothered before, about turning 30, but now it seems to be bearing down on me. I suppose maybe I'm just anxious to get it over with. To mark "the end of an era" as it where there will be a gathering I'm not particularly looking forward to. I don't do too great with more than one or two people at a time and there is plenty of scope for disaster in fact I'm a serious flight risk. One of the few people I wanted to see won't be there which makes me sad. This is the last landmark birthday for a long time so maybe the greater emphasis is cause for greater anxiety.
Been listening to a lot of CDs recently. Martha Wainwright, Norah Jones, Robert Plant & Alison Krauss, Biggie & 2pac and so on. While reading the Twilight books wondering or wishing for a Cullen to turn me eternally twenty nine.
Work keeps throwing up a few surprises, making firmer friendships which I'd kinda given up on attempting to start really.
Will try to post before the end.
so long
Been listening to a lot of CDs recently. Martha Wainwright, Norah Jones, Robert Plant & Alison Krauss, Biggie & 2pac and so on. While reading the Twilight books wondering or wishing for a Cullen to turn me eternally twenty nine.
Work keeps throwing up a few surprises, making firmer friendships which I'd kinda given up on attempting to start really.
Will try to post before the end.
so long
Monday, 11 August 2008
Books this year update
I read a few plays and poetry as a bit of a cheat they are not in any particular order:
1 20 Fragments of a Raveous Youth - Xiaolu Guo. 20 chapter translation of a girl who goes to Beijing to find her fortune.
2 A Concise Chinese-English Dictionary For Lovers - Xiaolu Guo. Written as if the author is learning English getting better as the novel progresses, nice thoughts on what it must be like to live in an entirely new place not knowing the language, was built on a bit of a shoddy premise though.
3 Pygmalion - George Bernard Shaw. A lot more harsh than the musical adaptation.
4 The City of Dreaming Books - Walter Moers. A fabulous world of literary dinosaurs and strange one eyed cave dwellers intent on learning a particular authors complete works, great adventure.
5 Breakfast at Tiffany's - Truman Capote.
6 Look We Have Coming to Dover! - Daljit Nagra. Good poetry mainly about being Asian in Britain and getting on with life
7 The Colossus - Sylvia Plath. Very dark but I identified with what I could understand.
8 By Grand Central Station I Sat Down and Wept - Elizabeth Smart. Beautiful poetic prose about an affair and what it meant to the author very depressing at times, she wanted to en her life an awful lot, I sympathised greatly.
9 On Chesil Beach - Ian McEwan. The story of the wedding night and each partners anxieties of what was about to happen, set in an odd time I thought 1962 seemingly between eras, probably just me.
10 Atonement - Ian McEwan. Beautifully written story of two sisters and a young man who's' life was changed by the juvenile jealousy of the younger sister.
11 The Bedroom Secrets of the Master Chefs - Irvine Welsh. Two opposite men one super confident the other shy and geeky end up swapping bodies trying to ruin eachothers lives
12 If You Liked School You'll Love Work - Irvine Welsh
13 Come On In: New Poems - Charles Bukowski. My first exposure to Bukowski, was very impressed with the realism and flow of the work
14 20 Love Poems and a Song of Despair - Pablo Neruda. Bought for the song of despair, but that's just me. Very simple so easy to translate and even so very evocative of the feelings of love.
15 Rapture - Carol Ann Duffy. Beautiful collection by Duffy also very simple and evocative.
16 The Good Soul of Szechuan - Bertolt Brecht
17 Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf - Edward Albee. Didn't get a lot of the dark humour or the older couples relationship at first, grasped it towards the end though, very good.
18 Rumo - Walter Moers. Adventure about a dog cum deer trying to find then save his love and find his place in the world.
19 Crime - Irvine Welsh. Great book about a cop on holiday in Florida who comes across these guys attempting to kidnap a kid to abuse her. all this after cracking a similar case back home.
20 The Outsiders -S.E. Hinton. Amazing, wish I'd read it as a teen
21 The Vortex - Noel Coward*
22 London's Forgotten Children - Gillian Pugh*
23 The Slow train to Milan - Lisa St Aubin de Terán. Still don't know why this book is so good but is a great escape. About a girl who runs off with these guys all over Italy and France just seemingly going with the flow.
24 The 13 and a half Lives of Captain Bluebear - Walter Moers. Another great Moers Fantasy in which a blue bear writes his demi-autobiography some great adventures.
25 The Captain's Verses - Pablo Neruda. More great poetry from Neruda, published anonymously for a few years before deciding to put his name to it all about the same girl I think.
26 For You A libretto - Ian McEwan
27 Twilight - Stephenie Meyer
28 Prozac Nation - Elizabeth Wurtzel. Stopped reading halfway through as I empathised way too much with Elizabeth. Finished eventually was glad of a brighter ending.
29 New Moon - Stephenie Meyer*
*reading at the mo.
1 20 Fragments of a Raveous Youth - Xiaolu Guo. 20 chapter translation of a girl who goes to Beijing to find her fortune.
2 A Concise Chinese-English Dictionary For Lovers - Xiaolu Guo. Written as if the author is learning English getting better as the novel progresses, nice thoughts on what it must be like to live in an entirely new place not knowing the language, was built on a bit of a shoddy premise though.
3 Pygmalion - George Bernard Shaw. A lot more harsh than the musical adaptation.
4 The City of Dreaming Books - Walter Moers. A fabulous world of literary dinosaurs and strange one eyed cave dwellers intent on learning a particular authors complete works, great adventure.
5 Breakfast at Tiffany's - Truman Capote.
6 Look We Have Coming to Dover! - Daljit Nagra. Good poetry mainly about being Asian in Britain and getting on with life
7 The Colossus - Sylvia Plath. Very dark but I identified with what I could understand.
8 By Grand Central Station I Sat Down and Wept - Elizabeth Smart. Beautiful poetic prose about an affair and what it meant to the author very depressing at times, she wanted to en her life an awful lot, I sympathised greatly.
9 On Chesil Beach - Ian McEwan. The story of the wedding night and each partners anxieties of what was about to happen, set in an odd time I thought 1962 seemingly between eras, probably just me.
10 Atonement - Ian McEwan. Beautifully written story of two sisters and a young man who's' life was changed by the juvenile jealousy of the younger sister.
11 The Bedroom Secrets of the Master Chefs - Irvine Welsh. Two opposite men one super confident the other shy and geeky end up swapping bodies trying to ruin eachothers lives
12 If You Liked School You'll Love Work - Irvine Welsh
13 Come On In: New Poems - Charles Bukowski. My first exposure to Bukowski, was very impressed with the realism and flow of the work
14 20 Love Poems and a Song of Despair - Pablo Neruda. Bought for the song of despair, but that's just me. Very simple so easy to translate and even so very evocative of the feelings of love.
15 Rapture - Carol Ann Duffy. Beautiful collection by Duffy also very simple and evocative.
16 The Good Soul of Szechuan - Bertolt Brecht
17 Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf - Edward Albee. Didn't get a lot of the dark humour or the older couples relationship at first, grasped it towards the end though, very good.
18 Rumo - Walter Moers. Adventure about a dog cum deer trying to find then save his love and find his place in the world.
19 Crime - Irvine Welsh. Great book about a cop on holiday in Florida who comes across these guys attempting to kidnap a kid to abuse her. all this after cracking a similar case back home.
20 The Outsiders -S.E. Hinton. Amazing, wish I'd read it as a teen
21 The Vortex - Noel Coward*
22 London's Forgotten Children - Gillian Pugh*
23 The Slow train to Milan - Lisa St Aubin de Terán. Still don't know why this book is so good but is a great escape. About a girl who runs off with these guys all over Italy and France just seemingly going with the flow.
24 The 13 and a half Lives of Captain Bluebear - Walter Moers. Another great Moers Fantasy in which a blue bear writes his demi-autobiography some great adventures.
25 The Captain's Verses - Pablo Neruda. More great poetry from Neruda, published anonymously for a few years before deciding to put his name to it all about the same girl I think.
26 For You A libretto - Ian McEwan
27 Twilight - Stephenie Meyer
28 Prozac Nation - Elizabeth Wurtzel. Stopped reading halfway through as I empathised way too much with Elizabeth. Finished eventually was glad of a brighter ending.
29 New Moon - Stephenie Meyer*
*reading at the mo.
Twilight
I just finished reading Twilight and I really loved the way it was written. I could have imagined reading it as a teenager but then again I was a twat when I was a teenager and probably wouldn't have got it. It's a very easy read a real page turner, I read slowly and had it read in a day and a half. The prose provokes memories of feelings I had long ago and I could really identify with Bella being hopelessly in love with Edward and all the anxieties that go with it to the point where I was beginning to become attracted to Edward, that's how well I thought she wrote. I also really loved the fresh perspective on vampires thinking it might just be a Buffy rip off, it was nothing of the sort. It was just the bit of escapism I needed right now. Thanks Nicole for recommending these books I'm looking forward to seeing what happens next.
Back to the real world! My friend was in Hospital recently, she's OK now but I was really worried at the time. After I'd seen her and realised she was good I went out and got extremely plastered all over Camden Town and don't really remember anything apart from an empty wallet and a guilty feeling. I can't fathom why I'm so stupid. I know I am still in my self destructive mode but there are better ways I'm sure. I've damaged my body so much recently I'm surprised I haven't fallen to pieces physically, mentally it's a different story, I have good days but they are generally marred by that omnipresent shadow.
They tell me they love me but I can't ever believe them (I know I've said it before but it's still true). I can't figure out the key to accepting this love, I feel like a cunt to be pretty much throwing it back in their faces. They say it's not my fault and I know I'd be worse without them.
...
Back to the real world! My friend was in Hospital recently, she's OK now but I was really worried at the time. After I'd seen her and realised she was good I went out and got extremely plastered all over Camden Town and don't really remember anything apart from an empty wallet and a guilty feeling. I can't fathom why I'm so stupid. I know I am still in my self destructive mode but there are better ways I'm sure. I've damaged my body so much recently I'm surprised I haven't fallen to pieces physically, mentally it's a different story, I have good days but they are generally marred by that omnipresent shadow.
They tell me they love me but I can't ever believe them (I know I've said it before but it's still true). I can't figure out the key to accepting this love, I feel like a cunt to be pretty much throwing it back in their faces. They say it's not my fault and I know I'd be worse without them.
...
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