4G

Sunbeams balance on heavy air
through tired eyes. He cracks a smile
The bed is still warm with her scent.
A stretch, a yawn,
Feet in slippers,
Cane in hand and up for some tea
Everyday since September,
Twelfth, Nineteen Seventy Seven
It doesn't get any better than this
His love waits for him at the Kitchen table.

No point

My profile cuts a dark figure on the dirty bedroom wall. The candle nearly dead on the hardwood floor. Windows painted black, painted shut, it smells of sweat and spilt vodka. The room is hazy through my broken eyes but I can see someone else, slim and sleeping on a mattress under a heater that has never worked as if the mere thought of it being there gives off warmth. I know who she is though it takes me a minute to remember and I permit myself a smile before returning to a stony face I'm more comfortable with. Gently, I make my way across the room avoiding various debris and crouch down beside the girl. She stirs sightly but doesn't wake. I sit next to the mattress and move a stray lock from her pale white face and pull up the blanket over her skinny shoulders. The candle has gone out now leaving the sound of the street outside and my heavy breathing and I feel strangely more aware even though I'm tired now.

I hear a lock click in to place and realise it's the only sound I've heard for a while, I look down and see the blanket which covered her is now over my chest the early light is dim through the darkened windows. My cheek is moist and her image still indented on the bedding.

My heart hurts.

So I was out drinking Cristal...

and I've always wanted to say that. It was, in fact, a Belgian pils which was nice none the less.

Nothing new with me I just need to vent.

I went out for four days in a row last week. I didn't get any hangovers just that empty guilty feeling that tears me up inside. I was rude to someone. I reacquainted myself with the live music scene. I became closer to someone. I hurt someone. I kept a promise. I drank too much. I didn't drink too much. I wrote a poem.

I feel really mixed up at the minute. I don't deserve some of the friends I have. They put up with my bullshit and my mood swings. I can be an absolute cunt at times.

I don't believe in myself, you shouldn't either!

Taxi

The Taxi from the terminus takes me through town. Past cold, empty houses blocking the reluctant Sun. My journey was long and fraught with difficulty. The familiar smell in the cab is a relief. It was nearly over now while most were starting theirs. The Sun was getting braver now, I couldn't see through it's brightness. The cool air through the slit at the top of the window made my eyes water, It was like nature didn't want me to see. They didn't need much help though, I knew what was waiting for me at the end. Everything was in order. There were things I wanted to see but I knew I had the memories and didn't need to. There were people too, friends, family. Like pictures in an album I had in my heart. I'm here now, my breath still visible reminds me it's real. I wanted to be inside were it was warm and comfortable. I fumbled with the keys and eventually, I opened the door.

Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me gaaah

It is bugging me that I rarely post good news or anything fun. My life, while not a complete disaster, is lacking in that particular department. Sometimes I smile. Things make me laugh occasionally. Just minor digressions. I'm all doom and gloom as you know. Uplifting moments are few and far between and I appreciate every one. I'm wallowing now again after a good weekend. I saw the Foo Fighters at the O2 on Saturday which was excellent even half of Queen were there, I got a bit emotional during the acoustic part of Everlong. After the show we took a boat back to Waterloo Pier which was an interesting way to get home. The next day I was fatigued and lethargic and subsequently did not much.

Fuck! I've lost me train o' thought you knew where it was going anyway

ttfn

Single

I don't remember much about the day I got married, I can't even remember the name of the church (I suppose it hurts too much to). I remember the very second it ended though. I cried in silence, Damien Rice was on the stereo, Cheers Darlin'. I'd never felt so torn apart. I began to get short of breath, I couldn't think straight. I accepted it immediately, I'm just emotional. I didn't fight because I knew there was no point. I thought I loved her. When she spoke I could hear the upset but I didn't care. I hadn't seen her for two and a half days she came in to bed in the middle of night and said it, the kids were next door asleep not knowing it was about to get different.

She cheated and then decided to call it a day. I came out of it in such a bad state for the wronged party. Apparently women tend to come off better in divorce cases more often than not. I didn't mind though. I've grown accustomed to being kicked about like a football.

I don't know whether she's happy or not, I don't care either. She wanted to be friends after but it didn't work, I still can't stand the sight of her.

We settled reasonably amicably, I could have torn her to shreds in court but I couldn't do that to anybody. She got most everything and I get to see my boys regularly. I don't need or want any more.


It's taken a while but the last letter from the court came through last week declaring me officially single again. I'm not really in any fit state to be even entertaining the idea of seeing someone new. Not that they're breaking down the door.


I can chat to women but I can only go so far as being a friend, I even get along with women better than I do the fellas. I couldn't imagine dating in either sense and I would be mortified if my friends tried to set me up. To be honest I've never been out on the pull, but I have seen women try and use their charms to get what they want to varying degrees of success not that that is what every woman does, I'm just cynical. It did happen to me the other day though, a woman wanted my stool at the bar and she was chatting to me and it was clear so I excused myself and passed the stool. I came back and sat in another part of the pub and finished my drink and left. My friends seem to be really interested in trying to get members of the opposite sex in to bed. I feel like I'm surrounded by a load of horny bastards. I do partake in the occasional innuendo for giggles and I flirt with my friends but again it's just for fun. The way I feel seems to contradict the fact I get crushes easily, there's always some aspect of a person I fall for be it their wit or their pins. If I know you I have probably had a crush on you at some point in our relationship. Please don't be disconcerted by that because as you know it usually stays with me and comes to nothing.

So, do you know anyone who is hot and available?... Just kidding, for the moment anyway.

You got your head all tangled up

I don't think anyone is completely sane. Everyone has there own little neuroses. Sometimes you would never know and in others it's really obvious. I don't know where I would fall in the grand scheme of things. I have seen and heard of people doing some extreme things I know I would never do. What I do "do" is, well, nothing mostly. When I do something there has normally been a ridiculous amount of speculating and a sorting of the what ifs and the maybes before a decision is made and even then I'm never entirely certain.

Despite all this I wear my heart on my sleeve and most everybody knows who I am. There are things people don't know but they are few and for the most part unimportant.

I went to a gig last night and only had 2 pints so I was pleased with that after the Thursday when I was out for about 12 hours although that was a celebration of sorts.

I've just finished reading The Bell Jar in which I really identified with Esther even though she is ten years younger and female and forty odd years in the past. I suppose lots of people do. Idon't want to take a away from the book by saying that even though no one will think that, it's just the way I am.

unfinished

I missed you today. It was empty inside apart from a few random thoughts on the periphery. Nothing was clear like I had been drinking. When I opened my eyes no one noticed, they were all too busy doing their own thing. I should have been too but I couldn't concentrate.There was a hole and I wanted to hide from it. Those random thoughts floated by not making any sense just adding to the frustration.

Gone

Just like last year. The seasons turned and the sharp air brought with it nightmares reawakened, reiterated, repeated. I was gutted then, I am gutted now.

My loss is your gain, I feel guilty for wanting you to stay but we both know you're better off away from the maddening crowd. You took a leap with an unwanted push and now you are free. Free to do the things you've always wanted. I'll help with that.

To be Frank you didn't deserve it, to be Frank you are on your way to happier times, to be Frank.

You left me here, I don't blame you, it doesn't have anything to do with me anyway. I wish I were as brave as you to see, to seize new opportunities. My outlook is darkened with only little light and yours is opposite. I wish to emulate but fear, but fear holds me close though you loosened its grip it's not enough.

How ever seldom our contact I will cherish every one like those before I cherish still. Your reassurance is believable to a cynical old me.

Just like last year I will get on, just like last year I will never forget,

You

u r teh gay

I had a dream about being gay last night. It was very odd, there was someone I knew telling me I wasn't because you can't just become gay overnight. and someone I didn't know whose flowers I was holding. This all took place on a bus in the rain. The flowers were driping rain water over my jeans. Outside all the shops were closed and it was miserable, in the bus it was warm apart from the draft at the back (it was one of the old open back buses).

This comes after a dream in which I was kissing a confidant or rather she was kissing me. This dream was very vivid nad the kiss was very passionate and I woke with a start, and noticed I was very cold.

Dreams hey, who'd have 'em.

No direction home

I was listening to the new Eagles album on the way to work the other day. I walked through the park with the sounds making me feel like I was in sunny California as opposed to the biting London chill. The songs felt like I'd known them as well as their classics which I wasn't expecting at all, when bands get back together after a time the results are usually somewhat wanting. It also made a change hearing summery American tunes on the way to work which is when I usually hear cold British songs (that I adore) to take me to my cold British office (that I loathe).

So, I was thinking I might start a group about taking albums for walks, ones you usually wouldn't. There could be a "National Take an Album For a Walk Day" How about walking along a calm river listening to drum and bass or a busy street listening to chill out. That was a bit rubbish but I'm a do it anyway.

I like walking, I just go where my feet take me and I always end up somewhere with memories and those memories are always soundtracked.

do you ever get that feeling

you've forgotten to do something

and they said it would never come for you

Is there eloquence in these here words, some people seem to think so, I don't. What I try to put across is honesty and to be honest I do sometimes try to be beautiful. I love writing and I put out almost everything regardless of quality. I don't think I'm being modest when I'm dismissive of praise, (however I am always thankful when I get it) I genuinely don't think it's deserved. Praise isn't what I'm looking for, this is just an outlet that quite possibly saves me from being in a worse state than I'm already in.

Words, for me, are strange and beautiful and powerful and all in between. I like to read them and learn them and say them and write them and use them to create but not destroy. I try to use them to express my love but normally come up short. I get words wrong so much so that if there were a word police they'd lock me up. I don't mind if you don't "get" what I write, sometimes there is no point, sometimes you're not supposed to.

I was writing to a friend to try and tell them how I feel about them and I think I may have cocked it up monumentally. I won't know until I receive a reply, if I receive a reply at all. You see I'm a bit clumsy when it comes to that sort of thing. She's not someone whose pants I want to get in to, no matter how beautiful she is. I just want to be a friend in the truest, closest possible sense of the word. I saw The Bridge to Terebithia recently and I longed for a friendship like that of the two lead characters, I had nothing like it as a child and as an adult it's hard to achieve with all the adult distractions.

A thousand mile seems pretty far...throw away sentiments in a throw away song but I relate as, I would imagine, do many others. I'm pretty far from writing something like that even but I mean what I write at least.

I look for meaning when there's none to be found or it's staring me right in the face and I can't see it because I think it's more complicated than it really is. I wonder if it will be detrimental to my friendship.

Random ranting

Polar opposites drawn together somehow defying odds insurmountable.

It's not true, I don't think so anyway, everyone is connected in some way. Little Miss Popular is as lonely as the boy with no friends, they just deal differently. We're not equal but we're not so different either.

I have friends, with varying degrees of intimacy and success. I don't treat everybody the same, I should but I don't.

The selfishness of selflessness, do you only do selfless acts to seem righteous in front of your peers. These acts are surely kept to yourself or between you and god if you have faith. I do understand giving to charity and getting something out of it like the poppy for example, I suppose you wear it to promote awareness rather than look at me I gave to charity. If you get benefit of doubt.

I'm feeling rather despondent at the mo, I don't know where that comes from because there was no one there to begin with.

Sometimes I won't understand something you've said and instead of saying sorry I didn't understand I nod or say something non committal. Everyone has been polite enough to pretend not to notice, but I really wish I wouldn't do that because I carry on being ignorant of whichever subject we were discussing. I don't do it all the time just every once in a while. I baffle myself sometimes.

Aww look, he's asleep

I had a dream where two of my friends were staying at my house. They were lovers but I wasn't jealous. The thing I most remember about this dream was the cold silence and how it was uncomfortably broken by one of us. My friends looked different too how they normally do in reality. One was making tea while I was talking to the other who is one of the warmest people I've ever met but here she was ice cold and I felt, or my words rather, frozen by her. I also felt waves of insecurity coming from her. The friend who was making the tea came back in and sat on her lovers lap and they cuddled. I felt awkwardly excluded but a reassuring hand squeezed mine. There was more silence, unbroken this time. It felt like it should have been in black and white but wasn't.

In reality I do feel "awkwardly excluded" a lot and sometimes there is a reassuring hand in some guise or other just not always, I normally have to ask for it. The insecurity normally emanates from me (I'm normally too busy worrying about myself to see others). I don't know if my friends were representing themselves in this dream. The harshness of the cold upset me in the dream and still does now.

Flip the script so ridiculously

I went for a drink last night. I had about four pints and a tequila over about three hours. I woke with a ridiculous headache this morning, I was surprised because I hadn't had much. It was a rather odd night for me, for a start it was Sunday and I went out at 11pm when most pubs have been closed for an hour. I only wanted one or two but a couple of friends came so I decided to stay on .The landlord closed up with us still inside and he poured us some tequila and a pint each which was great, free drink always is though, we stayed a little while longer before heading off to a hotel bar for a last drink. I had a good time and a good chat with my friends and this made me feel the hangover was all the more undeserved.

Anyway got over it and went to HMV to see the newest releases and I picked up The Wombats, Sigur Ros and Jay-Z's albums, I wanted Bishi's debut but it's been pushed back to next Monday and thats pretty much all I've done today. I haven't really had contact with anyone today, I'm feeling rather odd about whether or not I want to be in company. I won't have a choice tomorrow because I have to go back to work. Will I put on a front or be moody, I don't know, it probably depends on who I see first when I get in. I like going to work, it's where I get most of my socialising done. I'm getting better at the hole (sic) socialising thing but I'm still awkward and shy like on the edge looking in. I still get things wrong but it's a learning curve, one which I'm glad to be on. Sometimes it's good to be on your own but I do it way too much.

(I just do as I'm told)

I don't hate anything or anyone but does that mean I don't really love anything or anyone. I'm thinking along the lines of passion, you can love or hate with it. Can you have one without the other. We all use both words far too much, I can't bring myself to write an example they're all too cheesy but you know what I mean. Are they linked or not, I hope they are not.

I don't know what love is, I thought I loved my ex but did I. I don't hate her now but she does get to me her infuriating smugness and righteousness drive me nuts but I don't hate, no, what I do feel is nothing, I just don't care. She hurts me but I don't care. She uses me but I don't care.

Before, there was happiness and contentment but was it love, does anybody really know and maybe it's different for each person, or not I don't know.

What makes me happy now is music, certain friends and certain places and it'd be great if I could say I loved these things and be certain of it.

I've lost touch with people I thought I loved and there was devastation but I got on, though I do still think about these people every now and then which warms and chills my heart all at once because the memories are great and I realise they're not here anymore.

What is hate? I'd imagine it consumes you completely with anger and aggression so much that you can't deal with anything else. I have felt like that but it doesn't last which is why I think I don't hate because hate is that but eternal, possibly.

What made me cry today - Rock 'n' Roll Suicide by David Bowie

Someone's coming - Look busy

I let someone read my journal.

I was in a revelatory mood and as it happened I was writing about said person when she asked if she could look. I didn't even hesitate. I passed it over and she read what I'd just written, I turned crimson with embarrassment, whilst not an expression of love it was, I felt, a beautiful piece of writing that happened to be about her (I may post it, it's only a line or two). She said she wanted to read the rest of it. I gave it to her later because I hadn't finished writing in it. She gave it back at the end of the day and was touched by what she told me. I wanted to discuss it with her further but didn't get the chance, I hope I do, soon.

Some people think I'm nuts letting someone in to my head like that but I didn't care, I don't care, I trust her completely. Although I may have said no on another day it's done now and I'm comfortable with my decision, so there.

:sticks out tongue:

Time for (my) Heroes The Best of The Libertines

It's not bad but it could have been so much better. I was wondering what everyone's own particiular best of would consist of.

I would like these tracks...

Music When The Lights Go Out (either from Legs 11 or The Libertines)
Dilly Boys
You're My Waterloo
Breck Road Lover
The Good Old Days
Arbeit Macht Frei
France
Hooray For The 21st Century
Skag & Bone Man

Not Exclusively and not in that order but yeah these and the singles I suppose.

Over to you...

Ooh Graphic

Remind me never to watch TV at 3am EVER again. Some bloke is castrating pigs and using their knackers for lottery balls.

Afterthought: sausages, eww!

You're a soppy cunt Mick but I love you!

Oh, for one more glimpse of that warm Californian sun. You burnt me but I forgave you, I hope you forgave me for my misguided preconceptions of the people you bathe everyday. When I hid from you under the pier whilst others were praying for your bounty I felt guilty for our time together was short but my Irish skin pleaded for me to stay. I was in awe as you beat a path up the Pacific Coast Highway through various places along the way like Big Sur and Long Beach and L.A. and Santa Monica and Santa Barbara and Monterey and Santa Cruz and finally San Francisco where the Colt cast it's shadow over our disoriented souls. We settled on Mission while you were hours away. You weren't as fierce in this city and my skin peeled under a straw trilby and long trousers. I'd like to imagine you tried your hardest to raise the temperature but to no avail this land being a peninsula, the water keeping you from glory. I remember you did come out one day while we were on the Embarcadero waiting to play Al Capone. When we headed home to Huntingdon you followed us back like a puppy who had taken a liking to us. Martha Wainwright and Snow Patrol figured heavily in the soundtrack to your direction. We spent a lot of time face to face once I'd grown accustomed to yours and I was happier for it. I miss the way you shone on us in the state you made golden.