Today I Watched a Spider Spin It's Web

Sometimes I forget that people have other circles of friends than the one I'm involved in. This means I will sometimes try to monopolise you or be paranoid about why you're not always there when I need you, selfish really.

Apparently I'm popular at work, when did that happen, hmm.

Do you know that saying that you can't love someome if you don't love yourself, is that true?

I've been wondering if I'd be better off in a relationship.

Iambic pentameter rocks my socks.

But I am still rubish at it you know.

Garage forecourt flowers for my sweetheart.

She threw them at me, my biggest mistake.

Eva, I'm sorry, but you will have me

A young lady stroked the back of my hand with her thumb but I didn't look her in the eye. She was saying something but I didn't hear her. I was concentrating on trying not to fall for her. I get crushes easily but I don't think it makes them any less meaningful. More often than not it turns to friendship or admiration depending on how well I've gotten to know them. It's like I date these people or I play the relationship out in my head sometimes before I even say two words to them. The end result being strange because I feel like I know them well but I don't and they don't know me. It sounds childish but I can't think of another way to write it, it's like I like them more than they like me, we're not on the same level emotionally, I've invested too much in something that was predominantly imaginary. I do it every time. Emotional detachment is nigh on impossible for me, more and more as I get older. I always thought it would be the other way round.

quite possibly

the funniest blog entry i've ever read

http://blag.xkcd.com/2007/10/06/wikipedia-blogs/

this just fell out of my fingers

I've found myself thinking about death a lot recently. My own, other people's. And what I can or can't do about it.

I'm going for promotion at work. I'm not bothered about getting it.

I'm listening to a beautifully voiced North London lass named Ny right now.

I've made some really good friends recently. Some of them I love unconditionally. They know who they are. I hope.

I can Still feel the last hug I participated in. It feels nice. It feels right.

I'm currently learning iambic pentameter. Thank you Stephen Fry.

I'm having nightmares. They also invade my daydreams.

The song You're My Waterloo makes me cry.

Randomorz with added cheese inspired by someone with the moon in her eye

You know you've grown up when you make friends with attractive people and you don't want to sleep with them.

She sent me on a guilt trip, I went to a place where I lost my grip.

I don't mind if you forget me.

I left my wit in the bottom of my pint glass.

It wasn't cold outside because there wasn't an outside.

Misty morning rain and the sweat of anticipation.

Note: I found these written in margins and the backs of books in my indecipherable handwriting. There were more but I couldn't read them and I know they're not great but i like them so I thought I'd share!

cheese on toast

The tie that binds is delicate, at least I think so. Though it's probably a lot stronger there's always a hint of naivety which comes from it's youth. It has strong roots and I hope they are enough to sustain it while it grows. We feed it as well because we need it and I don't know if our nourishment is helping regardless our heart being in the right place, it's true you can kill with kindness.

I need it, the tie, even though I shouldn't. I was OK before, well maybe not OK but settled at least. Now entwined is probably the best way to describe it and it's better, I think. The dangers while not physical are still real to me at least.

The truth is I'm scared not to be. It was lonely before. Surrounded by vines and reeds and weeds. I latched on when maybe I should have let it slip by to stay in my overgrown jungle.

I was comfortable there. Wallowing. It wasn't healthy but I knew my supposed place. Being out in the open is scary but a good scary. I was told recently about good scary and it's true, it exists. Though it changes from scary to thrilling and you are able to derive enjoyment from it.

I made the right choice I know I did.

An Orange on the table

Bouncy, high and low, nowhere in between.

The thing about things that bounce is that when they stop bouncing the stop at the bottom, on the ground, as low as you can go. What we need to find is an invisible platform just the right side of between high and low. That sounds rather boring, being at the same level. What would be the point, is it worth hitting the floor so hard after being so free in the air right on the top of the bounce.

I am not a thing that bounces despite all appearances to the contrary but I am acting that way right now.

I know what makes me happy in fact here is a short non exhaustive list

Music
Books
Nicole
Shey
Georga
Caz
Esther
The Thames
The Old Blue Last
The Trolley Stop
Last.fm
Grant Naylor
Joss Whedon
Proud Galleries Camden(RIP)
xkcd
Soho
The Fay Wrays
Ny
London Buses
Walking

but what makes me sad? Here is a short list

?
?
?
?

In short I'm stumped.

So, what I will try to do is concentrate on the 1st list and hope the 2nd becomes clear over time and try not to dwell on it or think too much because that just gets me in trouble.

Bounce, bounce

WTF is wrong with me?

I don't remember much about this weekend!

I dropped the kids home and went to an old haunt in Dalston, which had a golf club behind the bar that looked used, where I drank and wrote in my journal and chatted with the locals for a couple of hours. I should've went home at this point but instead I went to my local to carry on drinking and I met a mate's brother and we drank together for a while. This is where it gets hazy. For some reason I was sat round a table full of people I didn't know talking about god only knows what. The next thing I know all hell breaks loose and I'm stopping someone from chasing someone else out of the pub and he's saying who's this cunt and I remember being short of breath and I went outside to see what was going on, one of the bar staff was telling me to get my drinking buddies to leave. I went across to them and we did end up leaving but how it dissipated I'll never know.

The night was interspersed with drunken texts to people on my phone as well.

The next day I couldn't do anything, I felt really down and guilty the just for the day, the guilt is a result of the drink/text combo. I hadn't done it for a long time and I'm sure it's nothing to worry about but I can't shake the guilt til the next day the depression lasted for the day too.

Sunday I felt better and went for a walk but ended up in the pub again, I only stayed for a couple and had a bite to eat with it and read over what I'd written in my journal and remember most of it bar one passage, the last. This is it unedited.

"I don't know how long she can keep it going before she lets go in the wrong way. I really believe this but I could be mistaken. I love her to pieces and it ????? when the facade drops and I see the real girl inside."

Fiction or not I don't know, I have no idea what it means in the slightest. The question marks is a word I can't make out, I have atrocious hand writing but I think it says works which doesn't fit but I was pished so..

Before this weekend I'd had one drink in about two weeks and I have no plans to drink in such copious amounts anytime soon, although I'll probably do just that because I'm weak.

At least I was trying to stop someone fighting instead of jumping in, a small saving grace to know I'm not a thug and morally I'm in the right place.

EDIT: It turns out the missing word is hurts, who knew!

The Language of Love

Is it possible to be in love and not want a physical relationship. I mean there are things and people I love but is it different to be in love with them. Or is it just the new use of language where there are less rules and they mean one and the same, or is it different for each individual. There are certain people I feel really passionate about no matter how little I really know them and it feels misplaced sometimes, the passion that is, and I end up with all these feelings I don't know what to do with. Grrr. I know that the way you feel about people changes according to circumstance and I could easily not feel so in love or could fall deeper who knows but what I'm really interested in knowing is are we just using labels to make our feelings easier to pigeon hole, do we really need to, can't we just feel it and not name it and be happy that we can feel it in the first place, could you imagine not being able to feel, even bad feelings....

....I fell asleep writing this and can't remember where I was going with it!?

50 @ 100

Not an exhaustive list but it's me none the less, I tried to get a 50/50 balance but I don't know if it comes accross that way,here goes:

I expect too much of others.

I give people second chances.

I fall in love easily.

I can be selfless.

I have mood swings that baffle me.

I'm generous.

I'm Jealous.

I put others first.

I blush at compliments.

I take things for granted.

I'm happy when it'smy round.

I question my conscious.

I listen.

I'm overweight.

I'm not fussy.

I trust the wrong people.

I'm loyal.

I Care about the unimportant things too much.

I don't "hate" anyone.

I find it hard to say no.

I'm willing to learn

I panic quicker now.

I have a passion for music.

I have low self esteem.

I love to read.

I think too much instead of doing.

I will meet you anywhere at anytime whenever you need me.

I'm clumsy.

I wil give you my coat when you're cold.

I find it awkward talking to people.

I'm good at my job.

I'm emotionally retarded.

I have my heart in the right place though.

I'm socially inept.

I'm honest

I'm not afraid of dying but...

I am afraid of what I'll leave behind for others.

I'm trustworthy

I worry far too much.

I'll look after the bags while you go to the loo.

I suit the word Monotonous.

I don't want anything bar music and love

I drink a lot.

I wear my heart on my sleave.

I eat a lot.

I take responsability for my actions

I'm stubborn.

I'm open minded.

I'm confused.

I'm old fashioned in the sense of holding open doors and walking on the road side of the pavement but not in the stay at home in the kthen biatch sense.

Don't put your trust in walls or What I learned this week

After the weekends highs I fell into a black hole of some sort where I felt ridiculously low and heavy on my chest and in my heart. There was a feeling of impending doom that went straight through me like I was being run through with a bloodied extremity extremely slowly. I spent three days on the verge of tears which did come early on. I can honestly say I've never felt anything like it before, I just didn't know what to do at all. When I was at work I pretty much did everything on autopilot, most of the people thought I was "flu-ey" and I just let them believe it, it was easier than than telling them the truth which was unexplainable anyway.

I still don't know why I was in such a state but I'm not anymore. I think the reason for this was a good old chat with other people. I mean I spoke to Nicole at work for over an hour and a half, we touched on my feelings but it was just a good general chat about nothing in particular. Afterwards I chatted with Kymm for a while but I didn't tell her I was down because she was too distracted with work so I just talked about the good times. When I got home I chatted with Georga on msn for a bit which was extraordinarily reassuring and helpful and lifted my spirits somewhat.I also had an email conversation (at the same time as Georga on msn) with Caz whom I hardly know but extremely fond of where I just poured it all out and in a few short words on her part I was feeling better and it may also have had something to do with a small admission to her on my part that seemed to lift more weight from my tired soul.

Now I'm not ow anymore it feels wrong, which is bad of me to think or feel but I do and I can't help feeling bad about feeling good, well I wouldn't go so far as to say good just better, one step at a time I suppose.

and in no particular order:

I learned south of the river ain't so bad

I learned that it's good to talk

I learned not to assume what others are thinking

I learned that it's OK to like Calvin Harris

I learned I should trust myself

I learned I should trust friends

I'm sure I learned more but...